Thursday, December 20, 2012

Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest

For complete rules and naked pictures of Richard Nixon, go HERE. There have been so many blogfests, bloghops and other blog related things to participate in, it is hard to keep up. I know about 83% of you didn't click the link to read the rules and background for this blogfest, so I will sum it up in a few words. Basically, how does the world end? 

How I think the Apocalypse will happen:

A crazed fan will somehow clone Justin Bieber but something goes terrible wrong (besides the fact that the fan cloned him). The cloning machine goes haywire and continues to clone Justin Bieber. No one can stop it, not even the scientist that invented the cloning device. Hundreds, then thousands, then millions of Biebers wander the streets. They invade stores, peoples homes and make their way to other countries. The worst part is all they do is sing "oh baby," over and over again. 

Nobody knows what to do. The leaders of every country get together and a decision is made. The only option is mass murder and suicide. Every human on Earth that is not Justin Bieber commits suicide. For those unable to do it themselves such as children, coma patients and the elderly, they are murdered first. I, Powdered Toast Man only survive to write down the events and then I take my own life. Millions of Justin Biebers are left to roam Earth by themselves. God help any extra terrestrials that land on Earth. 

This blogfest is hosted by Chuck over at Apocalypse Now and Shannon over at The Warrior Muse. Join in on the fun or be a bum, either way. 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Does Santa have sex?

This post is 98.4% fat free. I am going light today. I was trying to figure out what to write when my blogger buddy Rawknrobyn over at Life by Chocolate told me she was reposting a holiday post featuring myself, Rawknrobyn and The Invisible Seductress. I will share the link and give a brief synopsis of the post but I have a quick announcement. Most people make a big deal about hitting milestones, I might be one of those people.

I earned my 300th follower yesterday (or today, I really don't know) and I have posted over 600 posts. That has to count for something right? I believe I receive a pie of my choosing from the 300th follower. That blogger is Elsie Write. I would like you to mix an apple pie with a blueberry pie. You have one week to deliver it. Thank you.

Back to the awesome post I helped with on Life by Chocolate back in 2010. It is about Mr and Mrs. Claus, some alcoholism, infidelity and elf sex. Intrigued? I thought you would be. I play the part of Mr. Claus.
 Go HERE and enjoy. Go already. Stop reading this and read that post. You never listen to me. LINK

Monday, December 17, 2012

Party Like Slim Dyson

If you are not familiar with the blog A Beer for the Shower than this post might not make sense. You can quickly go HERE to read a little back story to this post. You didn't click the link did you? I knew you wouldn't. You lazy bastard. Now this post will just be random and it will have no context to you. I don't care anyway, do what you want.

Okay fine, here is some background: Book release; party; Slim Dyson; homeless writer; creativity.

The party takes place on the #9 Loop Bus at around 5 o'clock pm. I promise the driver a signed copy of Slim's book so he will make some unscheduled stops and drive us around for a little while. He picks up Slim and some of his homeless buddies up at the shelter. I run in and steal as many saltines as I can. We pick up some ketchup packets and assorted dipping sauces at a fast food place. As we dine, I ask the driver to take a detour through the fancy neighborhood. For some reason Shoeless Pete starts singing Happy Birthday to Slim and the rest of the passengers on the bus join in. I explain to the passengers that we are honoring Slim, many of them ask questions on why they sang Happy Birthday. I ignore their questions and ask if anyone has an ipod to put it on speaker so we can have some party music. I get 4 or 5 people playing their ipods at the same time. They fight over which song should be played and I give up on music.

 I slip the driver a $5 so he will look the other way as I rummage through the lost & found box for a nice present for Slim. He receives one red baby shoe, a pair of sunglasses with one of the lenses popped out, a DVD of Big Momma's House 2, ipod ear bud covers, the top to a thermos, and a naked barbie with her head missing. I keep the other $5 that I was given to throw this party and no one is the wiser. Slim signs some autographs even though none of the passengers knows who he is and the party is over at 5:27 pm.

If you are interested in buying Slim's book go HERE. I think it might be written by the guys at A Beer for the Shower but I am only 78.46% sure on that.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Simple & Fun Question of the Week: Would you rather...?

Would you rather have a piece of gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe forever?


Always have a shoelace come untied everyday?

Monday, December 10, 2012

"Cheers, Cavanaugh Blogfest"

If you want to participate go HERE. If you don't, make yourself a tasty sandwich and then read this post. If somehow you were looking for porn and came here accidentally then I'm not sure what to tell you.

I joined this blogfest and totally forgot about it. It is a good thing the host sent reminder emails. Now I am suppose to answer some questions and write a short story about Alex. I am not what you call a true 'writer' but I will give it a try. As a side note, I made some Jell-O gelatin and I am very excited to eat it in a few hours.

1.) In +/-20 words, what does Alex look like?

Alex changes form and shape constantly.

2.) In +/- 20 words, who could play Alex in a documentary? (living or dead)

Time traveler Alex from 12/23/2012.

3.) In +/- 20 words, who does Alex remind you of?

That guy, dammit, what's his name....?

4.) In +/- 100 words, (excluding the title) write flash fiction using all these prompts: Cavanaugh, Ninja, IWSG, Cosbolt, Guitar:

The Origin of Bacon

Since I am not an author I had to look up the definition of flash fiction. It is defined as any story where the main character, Alex, plays guitar for a living but moonlights as a ninja for the IWSG. He lives at 99 Cavanaugh Place, apartment J, where in his spare time builds model Cosbolts that he sells on ebay to pay for his Sci-Fi movie collection.


You really didn't expect me to answer those questions seriously? But in all seriousness Alex J. Cavanaugh is an awesome person, blogger and cyber friend. I am sure we all owe him for something he did for us. This is we would all clank our glasses together in honor of Alex. Not too hard, these glasses are fragile!!

Thursday, December 6, 2012

"And You Are...? Blog Hopamajig

It's one of those things that people do. I think I am suppose to answer some questions and then give some blood. I forget exactly what goes on.

1. How many speeding tickets have you gotten?Zero. Once I reach 88 MPH the cops can't even find me.
(P.S. Back to the Future reference if you aren't a nerd)
2. Can you pitch a tent?

Only with my pajama pants in the morning.

3. What was your worst vacation ever?

This one time at band camp.....

4. What was the last thing you bought over $100?

A baby, I got a great deal on the Black Market.

5. We're handing you the keys to what?

The piano that I am building. 

6. What was the last meal you cooked that made even you sick?

That time I added Ipecac to my chicken noodle soup.

7. Fill in the blank: Oh my gosh! Becky, look at her butt! It is so big. She looks like a ..

Woman with a giant ass that Sir Mixalot would make a song about.

8. What was your first car?

Barbie's Corvette and man was it fast.

9. Your best friend falls and gets hurt. Do you ask if he/she's okay or laugh first?

I have a best friend? Who?

10. What's the worst song ever?

The next song Justin Bieber writes. 

To participate in this Blog Hop, head on over to Emily R. King.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse: As a Zombie

I'm sure we have all seen the awesome movie Zombieland (and if not, go rent it right now and then come back and finish reading and preferably write a kick-ass comment). And we all know now that there are rules in surviving a Zombie Apocalypse if you are a living human. But what about the Zombies? Who is on their side? Well, in case you fall victim to a Zombie bite, here are some survival tips.

Survival Tips - If you are a Zombie

#3 - Wear protective headgear at all times. The living will be targeting your brain, keep it safe.

#11 - Make your home in the woods. Less people to bother you and more assortment of food.

#16 - If you are going to wander, travel in a large pack of at least 20.

#17 - Make it your #1 goal to eat Snooki.

#24 - Pick up your feet when you walk, dragging your feet is a dead giveaway that you are a Zombie.

#45 - Eat plenty of fiber.

#51 - Hunt children, they are less likely to attack.

#79 - Don't eat Pop Rocks and drink a Coke at the same time.

#88 - Cover up any scars, loss of flesh or missing limbs.

#92 - Don't be fooled, Rob Zombie is not your friend.

#99 - Learn some pointers by watching The Walking Dead.

For more survival tips, buy the book.

Monday, December 3, 2012

I was going somewhere with it

Do followers even matter anymore? Are you a better blogger/writer if you have 2000 followers opposed to someone that has only 40? I don't think it counts for anything. I think it all depends on the quality of the comments and the character of the person leaving them. I truly hate people that follow you just so you will follow them back so they can inflate their numbers. They never leave a comment or interact with you at all. Frankly, I don't really pay attention to who follows me. I think it's cool that I'm almost at 300 followers but without people actually reading and commenting those numbers mean diddly squat. The other day I went back through the original followers I had. None of them exist anymore and I don't recognize any of their names.

I would rather get 30 comments per post than have 10,000 followers. This isn't Myspace, you don't just follow someone so they will follow you. Hopefully those bloggers get weeded out because the real bloggers won't fall for their games and they will fall by the wayside. My rule is if you comment on my post I will gladly return the favor even if I am not an avid reader of your blog. It might take me a couple of days but I will stop by your site. I expect the same in return. I would love to eventually make a cyber friend along the way. Someone that I can rely on to leave a great comment and expect the same from me. Someone that is open to guest posting and someone that likes to interact either through email, Facebook or Twitter.

I remember when I first started blogging, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know how to get people to read what I wrote or find other blogs. I use to check the stats all the time to see how many people had visited my site that day. So young and foolish. That doesn't matter anymore. It is about the friends that you make and the connections that occur. I have no idea where I am going with this post. I had one idea when I started it and it could go on forever.

Blogging is a lot more fun when you connect with the people that read your stuff. To know that strangers appreciate what you write is kind of cool. I now know that I'm funny because this blog wouldn't exist if I wasn't. I have all of you to thank for that. I'm going to end it here.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Simple & Fun Question of the Week

Q: What are worst pet names you can think of for a cat? A dog? A pony?

Monday, November 26, 2012

State Propositions

I know it's a few weeks after the election and a lot of you are tired of politics but here is a list of state propositions and initiatives that you probably didn't read about.


Not Passed: Prop 81 - Seceding from the United States and becoming a province of Canada

Passed: Prop 12 - Banning Celine Dion from performing at any event forever

New Jersey

Not Passed: Prop 22 - Installing battering rams on all motor vehicles

Passed: The Snooki Initiative: The accidental death of Snooki will not be investigated


Not Passed: The Favre Initiative - Every 100th male child born will be named Brett

Passed: Prop 56 - The top row of all vending machines will be replaced with cheese


Not Passed: Prop 73 - Fast Food size Mega Triple Extra Grande

Passed: The Curious Rancher Initiative - Sex with farm animals will no longer be frowned upon


Not Passed: The Corn Initiative - Corn will replace paper money as new currency

Passed: Prop 99 - Anyone confusing our state with Ohio will get tased


Not Passed: The Volcano Initiative - Once a month a virgin will be sacrificed to the volcano

Passed: Prop 37 - Every Friday is Hawaiian shirt day


Not Passed: Prop 94 - The age limit for walking around a mall is 55

Passed: The Mickey Mouse Initiative - Every Florida citizen receives 5 shares of Disney stock

Friday, November 23, 2012

My Ipod might be lying to me

This is a repost from two years ago. I assumed many people were reposting because that is the thing to do around the holidays. If you are a new follower you probably haven't read it.

I have an app on my ipod called 'Cool Facts'. I find these so called facts very interesting and I'm also skeptical of them but what the hell do I know. Would Steve Jobs lie to me? Here are some random ones I picked. Do you think they are all true?

63 feet of wire is required to make a Slinky toy.

"101 Dalmatians" and "Peter Pan" are the only Disney animations in which both of a character's parents are present and don't die during the movie.

Cher's last name was Sarkissian, she changed it because no one could pronounce it and it would not be accepted in show business.

The honeybee kills more people worldwide than all the poisonous snakes combined.

85% of all Valentine's Day cards are purchases by women.

Most Greyhounds are universal blood donors and are used to provide extra blood during another dog's surgery.

Gutzon Borgium, the sculptor of the four Presidents on Mount Rushmore, died a few months before the project was completed. It took him 14 years.

A human's scent membrane in the nose is about the size of a postage stamp. A dog's is about the size of a handkerchief. 

The first TONKA truck was made in 1947.

Holland has the densest population per square mile of any nation in the world.

The DNA of humans is closer to a rat than a cat.

The Atlantic Ocean is saltier than the Pacific Ocean.

When gentlemen in medieval Japan wished to seal an agreement, they urinated together, crisscrossing their streams of urine.

In other blog related news, Mr. Peanut beat Mr. Monopoly in their battle on November 12th. He only won by one little vote. If you missed that post for some reason which you can't explain and will make up a ridiculous excuse in two minutes, click HERE.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Simple & Fun Question of the Week: Thanksgiving style

I figured not many people would be posting or reading around the holiday so might as well be a little lazy with the post.

Q: Would you rather have to kill your own turkey for thanksgiving by beheading it OR drink two cups of gravy?

Monday, November 19, 2012

Pros & Cons: Having your own Blog

10 pros and cons on having your own Blog


  1. It creates new friendships
  2. Helps develop writing skills
  3. You get introduced to hot celebrities
  4. You inadvertently learn the truth behind the JFK assassination
  5. Self esteem booster
  6. Potential one night stands
  7. You get nominated for a Bloggy
  8. You receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame
  9. Takes your mind off the imminent Zombie Apocalypse
  10. Socially and intellectually satisfying

  1. Relentless daily upkeep
  2. Your blog posts naked pics of you on Twitter
  3. Your spouse nags that you are wasting your time and not spending time with them
  4. Your blog cheats on you with other bloggers
  5. Writer's block/can't come up with new ideas
  6. Blogger constantly showing signs of bugs and errors
  7. Your blog orders things off of ebay without your knowledge
  8. Most blogs are allergic to cats
  9. SPAM
  10. Time consuming

Friday, November 16, 2012

Oh, How I Miss You Blogfest

If you don't know what this post is about head over to Alex J. Cavanaugh's Blog to join the fun and then come back here to finish reading this.

Come back, I miss you -

Cheeseboy from The Blog O' Cheese - He last posted 8 months ago. He is still very active on Twitter and Facebook but I miss his humorous and odd blog posts. Cheeseboy come back to the blogger world!!

Oilfield Trash from Make Daddy a Sammich - He posted 2 weeks ago that he is still alive but it almost been a year since his hiatus. I will stop with the threatening letters if you come back for good.

The Invisible Seductress from THE INVISIBLE SEDUCTRESS - She has had many problems in her life but still manages to stay afloat. She was an awesome part of my blogger trio with Rawknrobyn. She has an amazing way with words and I have always enjoyed anything she has written..

I know I was only suppose to mention 1 to 3 blogger I miss but I want to give a shout out to 2 bloggers who have been missing from the blogosphere for over 2 years. They would be Asblackasobama from I Think It's Interesting and Jerry from My Thoughts Brought to the Light. They were good people.

Don't leave, I would miss you -

Alex J. Cavanaugh from Alex J. Cavanaugh - Alex is an integral cog that keeps this blogosphere moving in the right direction. I think most people would be devastated if Alex left and I am sure he is on many a lists.

Bryan and Brandon from A Beer for the Shower - These guys can draw and be funny. I love the comic art that they have in almost every post. Normally I don't like reading long posts but theirs are worth it.

Rawknrobyn from Life By Chocolate - Robyn and I have been through a lot together. So many guest posts I can't even count. She is my blogging buddy and she always leaves great comments.

There are a lot of other bloggers and blogs I would miss but I was only allowed to pick three and these are the ones that came to mind. It doesn't mean that I don't appreciate you too. Go create your own post about who you miss or would miss if you haven't yet.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Simple & Fun Question of the Week

I was posting this on Mondays but I think I will post it on random days from now on to keep you on your toes. Maybe one week I won't post it at all and drive you crazy.

Q: Can you put anything on a pizza and still call it a pizza? Are there ingredients that it needs to possess in order for it to be called a pizza? Have you concocted your own odd recipe?

Monday, November 12, 2012

Time to Step Up

This post is not about that dancing movie. For a long time now I have been trying to get back into a flow or consistent state of blogging. I have not been able to. I am not the same blogger I used to be, I am a little lazier now. That kind of pisses me off. I always say to myself I am going to do this or that but I don't follow through. Maybe planning a wedding and moving had a little to do with it but I don't want to make excuses. I would rather create a plan of action.

I wrote down some points that I would like to stick to related to blogging. I titled my notes 'blog standards'. Each week I would like to accomplish each of these points so that I can be more consistent and create a better flow like in the olden days. I want you, the reader, to hold me accountable. If you notice I am slacking feel free to kick me in the ass. Right now I have 11 key points, they are as follows:

  1. Write at least 2 posts per week. I would like to eventually write 3 per week. I used to write 5 a week. I don't know how I kept it up.
  2. Receive a minimum of 10 comments per post. I don't have as much control over this but if I read and comment on enough blogs I should get that in return.
  3. Comment for a comment. Whoever comments on my blog, I will return the favor.
  4. Read a minimum of 5-10 blogs per day. I most likely will only be reading Sunday thru Friday.
  5. Utilize my Just the Cheese Facebook page to promote posts.
  6. Utilize Twitter to reach more readers and fellow bloggers.
  7. Reply to all comments I receive on Just The Cheese via email.
  8. Read one new blog per week.
  9. Keep blog looking clean and fresh. Remove clutter and blogs from blogroll that aren't active. 
  10. Have a guest poster or guest post on another blog once a month.
  11. Have fun and write whatever the fuck I want.. 
I do most of this anyway. I lack most on posting and reading consistently. I want to go back to 2010 where I wrote 321 posts that year. Last year I only wrote 84. What the hell happened? I want to be a staple blog in the blogosphere. I feel I have lost some of my appeal. Okay, time to stop bitching about my blog laziness. Now I am off to read your blogs. 
Oh yeah, If you read my last post I told you I had a secret to tell you. In 7 months I am going to be a daddy!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Wedding Bliss

I am now a married man. I can't get used to this ring on my finger yet. I don't wear jewelry, except for a watch every now and then so this is new to me. Nicole and I got married on October 20th. It felt like the day would never come. Maybe because it was a three year engagement. I might be slightly biased but it was the best wedding I had every attended. I danced until I had calluses on my toes, then I took off my shoes and danced some more.

Nicole was a beautiful bride. She looked amazing in her dress. If you are friends with me on Facebook you can view some wedding pics. I have to give props to Nicole for having the idea to have a candy table. Our guests stormed that thing like we were giving away money. Anyone need any candy? We have a lot left over. You just have to pay for shipping.

Anthony's Pier Nine really knows how to put together a wedding reception. If you are looking for a venue to get married or have a party at, I would highly recommend Anthony's Pier Nine in New Windsor, New York. There was so much freaking food!! There is no way anyone went home hungry. Our DJ, MC, photographer and videographer were also pretty awesome. Jimmy Dee Music and Fantasy Flash Photography are top notch. They are out of White Plains, New York. I wish I was getting paid to recommend these places.

It was a blast, I wish I could do it again. I couldn't of asked for a better wedding. And it was such a beautiful day to top it off. I'm still not sure why none of my blogger friends showed up, I have Nicole all the invitations to mail out. Damn that post office!! Maybe I will see some of you when we renew our vows. I kept this post short and sweet. I may give more details in a future post if you are interested.

I have other good news to tell you but I'm going to keep it a secret for now and hope that you rack your brain with curiosity.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Naked shadows

I decided not to post this week (except for this post) since a lot of people were/are without power because of hurricane Sandy. I wasn't sure how many people would be able to blog this week. This post is just to say I will be up and blogging next week. Maybe I will tell you about my wedding, maybe I won't. Stay tuned.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Exciting News!!

I will be unavailable for the next week. I am getting married tomorrow then on to the Honeymoon. Please send cash gifts. We don't need any toasters. After Saturday there will be a Mrs. Powdered Toast Man. Wish us luck!!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

Q: If you could say something to Wile E. Coyote, what would it be?

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Fucking People!!

The title might have fooled you. This post isn't about sex, at least I don't think it is but feel free to turn anything I say into a sexual innuendo. Now onto the topic at hand. I loathe last second customers. I used to get annoyed with them, then into turned into not liking them. that turned into a strong hate and now I loathe them. I work at a financial institution, I am not going to tell you which one or where, that way I can protect my own ass. I have figured out that no matter what time you are open to there is always going to be a few people that come in just a few minutes before you close and 50% of the time one of them says "oh, just made it." I would like to hold a hot iron to these peoples' faces.

You have to be some kind of dick to walk into a place knowing it is closing in 3 minutes. Now I understand some people have emergencies but not all of them do. The worst of it is that I can only have so much money in my drawer and if it goes above a certain number I have to sell it to the vault. Normally it is not a problem, but at closing it is a pain in the ass and it takes us a hell of a lot longer to close up. For example, last night a business dropped off a crap load of money five minutes before we closed. We got out 30 minutes later than we normally do. So freaking annoying!!!

Last minute customers never have a simple deposit, either they are depositing a lot of cash or they need to withdrawal a lot of cash. Why do you need $5000 right now?!?!?! I want to poll customers that take out a lot of money and ask them what they are using it for. The choices for answers would include: house repair, purchasing a car, paying taxes, buying drugs and gambling addiction. 70 year old ladies do not need to take out $8000, something fishy is going on.

I also hate people that after pulling on the locked door and reading the 'we are closed sign' still ask us if we are open. Some lade the other day came in last second to deposit $10 in her account. Seriously?!!? These people get me so mad.

Do you get last second customer where you work?

Monday, October 8, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

Q: What celebrity do you find most annoying and what would you like to do to them?

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Inside the Actor's Studio

Hello everyone!! Once again I am filling in for James Lipton. That man gets sick or goes on vacation a lot. What's that? The producer is trying to tell me something. Mr. Lipton is not on vacation, he is having surgery. What kind of surgery? He is getting his webbed feet unwebbed. I am sorry that I asked. I am now going to have nightmares about this. Let's move on before I start vomiting. Our guest today is a very recognizable TV Spokesman. Let's all welcome the Travelocity Gnome.

PTM: Welcome to the program. Is there a nickname I can call you? Travelocity Gnome is a lot to say.

Travelocity Gnome: My crew calls me T-Dog.

PTM: Ummm, I would rather not call you that. How about TG?

Travelocity Gnome: I guess that is all right. Can I call you PTM?

PTM: Everyone else does, go ahead. So my first question is a little personal. How is it that when you speak your mouth or lips don't move?

TG: Well you see I learned when I was very young that my inner monologue is so loud that I never have to open my mouth to speak.

PTM: That is fascinating. Have you ever thought of becoming a ventriloquist?

TG: I have an unnatural fear of puppets. I have at least one nightmare a week about one of the muppets trying to kill me, it's usually Kermit or Beaker.

PTM: That is a tough thing to live with. I am going to move on since I am not a licensed psychiatrist. Do you enjoy travelling all over the world for free?

TG: You actually think I travel all over the world for free? Those destinations in the commercials aren't real. There's a green scene and lots of back drops. PTM, you are so naive.

PTM: Well I just assumed you traveled. I feel like a dumb-ass. Fucking James Lipton and his webbed feet.

TG: Let me ask you a question. How are you qualified for this job? Did you do any research before you came up with your questions?

PTM: I get the call the last minute to fill in for Mr. Lipton. Someone else does the research for me. Who do you thing you are?

TG: Sorry PTM, I got a little worked up. I have been very tense and irritable lately. I just found out a few days ago that my wife was cheating on me with William Shatner.

PTM: Ouch, the Priceline negotiator. That must of stung twice as bad?

TG: It did. I don't fully understand it. The man is 80 years old, how is he still getting it up? I am freaking made of wood!! TG starts to cry uncontrollably

PTM: Pull yourself together man, you are on national television. Listen I know a guy that can take care of Mr. Shatner and your wife if that is what you want.

TG: You would do that for me?

PTM: Sure, we are pals now. Just say the word and Bill Shatner will be sleeping with the fishes.

TG: You know I never understood that line. Fish is already plural like deer. You wouldn't say he will be running with the deers.

PTM: That is an excellent question. And why is Colonel spelled and pronounced the way it is? There is an R sound, why is there an L there?

TG: And why does cargo go by ship and shipment go by car?

PTM: I think we have gotten off track. We have much more to talk about TG. Wait, the producer is now telling me we are out of time. Thanks for being here TG. Talk to me after the show about that thing. Thanks for joining us. Hopefully James Lipton will make a quick recovery.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

Q: If you could go back in time to punch someone in the face, who would it be and why?

Friday, September 28, 2012

Rant and thou shall be saved

I have not ranted in a really long time. It is time to express my feelings about the annoying dumb asses of the world. I recently just moved to Connecticut from New York, about a month ago. I am not going to tell you what town/city because I have enough stalkers already and I cannot fit anymore into my busy schedule. Now I thought New York had terrible drivers, most of them speeding all the time and always in a rush. I have quickly learned that Connecticut has worse drivers. In the Connecticut driving manual there must not be a section on how to use a turn signal. I am almost certain that drivers in Connecticut don't even know they have a turn signal stalk attached to their steering wheel. I am just going to cut across three lanes of traffic and you will be notified exactly as I am doing it. And I am not talking about turns that are slow and you know they are turning. I am speaking of the ones that seem spontaneous and abrupt.

Besides not knowing how to operate a turn signal there are many motor vehicle operators that cut you off like they are in a hurry just to turn onto the next street. Wait your fucking turn!!! I am boggled by how much terrible driving goes on in Connecticut. I have said this before but I think that people should have to retake their driving test every 5 years. Maybe that would cut down on bad drivers. Driving gets so frustrated when you are surrounded by assholes. I apologize for this rant if you live in Connecticut and are a terrible driver.

On second thought fuck you if you live in Connecticut and are a terrible driver.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday (on Tuesday)

Q: If you couldn't eat a certain food for the rest of your life would you give up chocolate or cheese?

Thursday, September 20, 2012

More Failed Slogans

Product slogans that didn't last that long. You probably don't even remember seeing them.

Heinz - "For the record, it's fucking pronounced KETCHUP not Catsup"

Netflix - "Going to the movies sucks, watch one at home"

Craftsman - "Don't let a woman touch these tools"

Hanes - "If only walking around in your underwear in public was acceptable"

Pizza Hut - "Made with 70% imitation cheese"

Maybelline - "If you are already ugly, our products won't help you"

Dannon - "We put the fruit on the bottom because we are lazy just like you"

Apple - "We could promote a cardboard phone and you would buy it"

Toyota - "Eli Manning is our sponsor because Peyton and Archie declined our offers"

Colgate - "For whiter teeth, go to the dentist"

Monday, September 17, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

Q: What is your biggest goal in life?

Friday, September 14, 2012

Stay Tuned

I finally got my Internet installed this week. Been busy moving in and stuff. 'Just the Cheese' will be back to it's regularly scheduled program next week. Be careful if you plan to be on the edge of your seat.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

They Can Suck It

Nicole and I just moved this past weekend. Yay for us!! Unfortunately the cable company screwed me over with my installation date and I won't have internet access until next week. I had it scheduled for yesterday and somebody dropped the ball and entered the wrong date. Sons of bitches. I ordered them to not charge me for installation, we will see how that goes when I get the bill. I am writing this post from the library. I didn't have a library card so I flashed the clerk and she let me use the computer for an hour. What I am trying to say is no posts this week nor will I be able to read your blogs that I love so much. I will miss you all.

P.S. All the neighbors have their internet password protected if that is what you were thinking. I already tried that.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Celebrity Tombstones

Haven't you always wanted to know what current living celebrities would put on their tombstones? Well I interviewed a whole bunch of them recently and most of them told me what they were going to write.

Tom Cruise - "I wasn't gay, seriously"

Richard Dreyfuss - "I never watched Jaws"

Kirk Cameron - "That born again Christian crap worked like a charm"

Dennis Rodman - "Was I buried in a dress?"

Tony Danza - "I'm the boss, bitch"

Ron Howard - "I deeply apologize for putting my ugly brother in my movies"

Bob Barker - "Fuck you, Drew Carey"

Bill Clinton - "Fat chicks need lovin' too"

Snooki - "I knew I would get skin cancer from all that tanning"

Oprah Winfrey - "I still think Tom Cruise is gay"

Jeff Bridges - "Dude"

Tara Reid - "That fourth boob job was a bad idea"

Conan O'brien - "Jay Leno can suck it"

Matt Leblanc - "Stop calling me Joey"

Brad Pitt - "I had sex with Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie"

Monday, August 27, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

What is the difference between mocha flavored coffee and mocha flavored chocolate? I don't know the answer to this one, you have to give me your opinion.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Medical Jargon

New definitions used in medical reports

Negative patient care outcome ............ the patient died

Mental activity at the margins ......... insanity

Therapeutic misadventure ................ medical malpractice

Hematophagous arthropod vectors ............................. fleas

Spontaneous bowel contraction..................................... shit your pants

Engorged cellular depositing...................................... fat ass

Misfiring synaptic responses....................................... stupid

Underdeveloped phallic response................................ can't get an erection

Aggravated bovine ejection .............. being bucked off of a bull

Monday, August 20, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

Would you rather eat whatever you want for a week without gaining weight or incurring any health issues?


Would you rather have telepathic abilities for a week?

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Testing your wits

Hi, want to play? No? Too bad, I am forcing you to. I will train your logical thinking skills to look for unusual laws lurking in outwardly ordinary lists of words. In this paragraph, I want you to look for what is missing. Although my words may look ordinary, this is not typical writing. An unusual constraint limits my words. I could not put just any word in this paragraph. Many words simply would not fit. Did you find it? Is your brain in pain? What is missing in this paragraph?

Answer: (Right click your mouse and highlight below)
There is no letter E in the paragraph.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

Q: Out of Spongebob Squarepants, Patrick Star and Squidward Tentacles, who do you think is most likely a homosexual?

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Olympic events, or so we thought...

Olympic events that didnt make it

  • Jell-O Wrestling
  • Pie Eating
  • Dwarf Tossing
  • Ultimate Tic-Tac-Toe
  • Ice Fishing
  • Sand Castle Building
  • Extreme Hopscotch
  • Paper Airplane Flying
  • 100m Potato Sack Race
  • Kickball
  • Marco Polo
  • Duck, Duck, Goose
  • Thumb Wrestling
  • Snowman Building
  • Air Hockey
  • Hide and Seek

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Lifeguard Application

National Lifeguard Application

Next to each question please write yes, no or I don't know.

1) Can you swim? (minimal requirement is doggy paddle)

2) Are you attractive? (minimal requirement is 7 out of 10)

3) Do you know how to use a whistle?

4) Is your favorite show Bay Watch?

5) Do you look good without a shirt on?

6) Is temporarily making out with the same sex a problem for you?

7) Do you know the difference between an ocean, a lake and a pool?

8) Can you look cool wearing sunglasses while sitting in a giant chair?

9) Are you allergic to sand?

10) Can you tolerate screaming, crying and whining kids for an extensive amount of time?

11) For male applicant: Do you have at least a 4-pack?

12) For female applicant: Do you have at least a C-cup?

13) Are you good at charades?

14) Are the words radical, gnarly, cowabunga, or bodacious in your vocabulary?

15) Were you able to read this application?

Please mail to your local beach or country club.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

Happy 3 year blogoversary to me!!!! I cannot believe I have been blogging for 3 years. Time flies when you are having fun. I would like to thank me for everything I have done on this blog, I couldn't have done it without myself. I am throwing a surprise party for myself later tonight, shhh don't tell me about it.

Q: If you could change the name of my blog to anything, what would it's new name be and why?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Out of steam

I have plenty of ideas but I have been too tired to come up with anything good. I thought about ranting about some bullshit that has happened but I am sort of over that now. Instead I will leave you with a joke to tell your friends, coworkers and drug dealer.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: How do you breathe with that thing?

Monday, July 30, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday


What was/is your favorite childhood cartoon?

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

So Batty

I just saw The Dark Knight Rises twice and it was awesome. I first saw it at the drive-in but the picture quality wasn't that great so I decided to see it in a regular theater a few days later. Much better visually the second time around. I know a friend of a friend of a cousin of a guy that cuts Christopher Nolan's mother's hair and he scored me a copy of The Dark Knight Rises script. I read through it and noticed there were a few scenes that they didn't use. I figured since you are not going to see them in the movie, you might as well read them on my blog. Here is a short scene between Bruce Wayne and Alfred.

Bruce Wayne comes home to the mansion after a bite to eat. He walks into the main hall. Alfred is cleaning and wearing the bat suit.

Bruce Wayne: Alfred, what are you doing?

Alfred: Oh sir, you startled me. I thought you went out for Taco Bell?

Bruce Wayne: I came back for my wallet, I left it on my dresser. Why are you wearing the bat suit?

Alfred: Well, uh, it's hard to explain.

Bruce Wayne: Try me.

Alfred: Well, you see, I'm an old man with needs. You wouldn't think to look at me but I am a bit kinky. I tried on the bat suit for fun one day while you were out. I can't tell you how good it feels against my bare skin. You can't tell but my willy is fully erect right now.

Bruce Wayne: What the fuck Alfred!! I go out for some food and I come back to find you getting off in my batman suit. How can I fight crime in that now?

Alfred: I always make sure I thoroughly clean it each time.

Bruce Wayne: Each time? How long as this been going on?

Alfred: Don't know exactly. I would guess 4 months, at least.

Bruce Wayne: 4 months?!?!? Holy shit. I am going to have to burn that one and make another.  Please don't tell me you released your little Alfreds inside the suit.

Alfred: I would be lying if I said that didn't happen a few times.

Bruce Wayne: That is disgusting. Why did I have to forget my wallet?!?

Alfred: If you are going to get rid of the suit anyway, can I keep it? I promise not to put it on in front of you.

Bruce Wayne: Ok, I am going to get my wallet and leave now. We will pretend that this never happened. I don't want to know any more secrets.

Alfred: Can you get me a Doritos Locos Taco?

Bruce Wayne: Fine. Bye.

I personally think they should of left that scene in there. Would of added some humor.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

Would you rather listen to Justin Bieber's song Baby for 12 hours straight


Would you rather eat five live cockroaches?

Friday, July 20, 2012

Presidential Campaign Slogans...... Not Quite

Many presidential candidates have had popular and inspiring campaign slogans. Most candidates go through many ideas before they commit to one. Here are some that never made it off the drawing board.

George W. Bush - "Hooked on Phonics worked for me"

Bill Clinton - "I support fat chicks"

George H. Bush - "My wife does not look like George Washington"

Richard M. Nixon - "You can call me Dick"

Abraham Lincoln - "Not only will I free the slaves but I will get rid of all these freaking' zombies too"

George Washington - "Wooden teeth for everybody!!"

Ulysses S. Grant - "Stop naming your sons Ulysses"

Herbert Hoover - "Time travel is our future"

Thomas Jefferson - "If you liked the last guy, you will love me"

Grover Cleveland - "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands"

Theodore Roosevelt - "Prostitution will be legalized"

Barack Obama - "I'm not George W. Bush"

Woodrow Wilson - "Where's Waldo?"

Millard Fillmore - "We need to trust children more"

John F. Kennedy - "To answer your question, yes, I had sexual relations with Marilyn Monroe"

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Reviews You Can't Use: Red Lobster

I went to Red Lobster this past Sunday with Nicole for my 28th birthday. I haven't been to Red Lobster in 7 years since my 21st birthday. I was banned for getting in an altercation with the chef. He refused to let me cook my own lobster so I stabbed him with a fork. After the 7 year ban, I was allowed back. I had to bring my lawyer and sign some papers stating that if I attempt to cook my own lobster I will see jail time. After I made a formal apology to the chef, we were seated at our table. I told my lawyer his services were no long needed and to vamoos.

If you have read other restaurant reviews of mine you know that I don't give a normal review. Here is a transcript of how the evening went with commentary and our thoughts. Conversation is in bold, thoughts are italicized.

Waitress: Let me show you to your seats. Looks like another shitty tip coming my way.

PTM: Thank you. Stop thinking about stabbing the chef.

Nicole: Thank you. Next time I pick the restaurant.

Waitress: Can I start you off with something to drink? When I come back you better be ready to order!!

Nicole: I'll just have some water. Ha, my boobs are so much bigger than hers. I love having big tits. Look at these things, if I was a dude, I would motor boat the shit out of them.

PTM: Ill have a Mango Mai Tai. I hope it's mango-y.

Waitress: I'll be right back with those. What a homo ordering a Mango Mai Tai.

PTM: She probably thinks I'm gay since I ordered that girly drink. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay.

Nicole: It is a girly drink to order. Why must he embarrass me in public all the time!!

Waitress: Here are your drinks. Are you ready to order? If I have to come back I am spitting in your entree.

PTM: For an appetizer we will have the Coconut Shrimp. I'm so glad Nicole doesn't eat shrimp, I get to eat this all by myself, muah ha ha.

Nicole: I will have the Center Cut Sirloin with a side of Snow Crab Legs. What a douche, I can't believe he ordered an appetizer he knew I wouldn't eat. There goes his birthday blow job.

PTM: I will have the Peach Bourbon BBQ Shrimp and Bacon wrapped Scallop Kabobs. I hope the scallops aren't too scallopy. 

Waitress: Great, I will put that in for you. Shrimp with a side of shrimp, great choice dumb ass.

Nicole: I'm excited to see Ted after this. I'm so jonesing for a nap right now.

PTM: I'm excited too, should be pretty funny. I'm gonna get a blow job later, do da do do do.

Waitress: Here is your Coconut Shrimp, your entrees will be out shortly. I hope he doesn't notice I snagged one of his shrimp. Naaah, I rearranged them. He won't even know.

PTM: Mmmm, I love Coconut Shrimp. That bitch seems a little stressed. She needs to finger one out in the bathroom or something.

Nicole: I guess I will try one. I don't really want one, I just want him to have one less. JERK!!

Waitress: Here are your entrees. Careful, the plates are really hot. I bet you after I walk away they touch the plates anyway. I hope it burns them bad.

PTM: Ouch, the plates are hot. I should blog about Red Lobster, maybe I will write a review.

Nicole: She did warn you. You never learn. I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deely deely do.

Waitress: Is everything okay? Do you need anything? What does she see in this guy? He's balding and I'm pretty sure he's gay.

PTM: Can I have some more water, please? If I were a lobster and a genie could grant me a wish, it would be to have the claw strength to break rubber bands.

Nicole: I'm okay, Thanks. That bitch best not be eyeing my man. I will go Tanya Harding on her ass.

Waitress: Care for any dessert? Quick decide, I have to fart so bad right now.

PTM: We need a minute please. She really needs some dick in her.

Nicole: The cookie lava thing looks tasty. I wish his semen tasted like cookies.

Waitress: Have you decided? If I have to come back again, I will seriously take a shit on her lap.

PTM: We will have the cookie lava thing. Instant Diabetes!!

Waitress: Here is your bill too, whenever you are ready to pay. Ten bucks she pays.

Nicole: How much for tip? Why do I have the song from Ghostbusters in my head right now?

PTM: Like fourteen bucks. Happy birthday to me.

Waitress: Thank you, have a good night. Wow, I just realized I am not wearing any underwear.

Nicole: Bye, you too. Next time, we are going to Sizzler.

PTM: Bye, thank you. Oh gotta poop, gotta poop.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

I haven't had a themed post in awhile so I will start one on Mondays and it will be called Simple & Fun Question Monday. I will ask you a simple and fun question and you will answer it as serious or creative as you want.

Today's question: If you could create your own animal using parts from 4 existing animals, what animals would you use and what would you name your new animal?

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Reviews You Can't Use: Apollo 18

 I would now like to present to you a long awaited (I think) review you can't use. I, unfortunately, decided to watch Apollo 18 the other day. If you haven't seen it, heard about it or think I'm confusing it with the Tom Hanks' Apollo 13, here is the IMDb synopsis: "Decades-old found footage from NASA's abandoned Apollo 18 mission, where two American astronauts were sent on a secret expedition, reveals the reason the U.S. has never returned to the moon."

It looked like it could be a decent movie when it came out. It had that Paranormal Activity look to it and it seemed different. I knew what I was going in to before I sat down to watch it. I read the rating on IMDb and some of the reviews but still decided to give it a chance. It is filmed like a documentary like how Paranormal Activity was with different camera angles and the feeling that you are there with them. I finished the movie last week and I am still waiting for something to develop. 

Ahead is a spoiler alert. If you still want to see the movie don't read ahead even though the movie was terrible and nothing could really spoil it. Also the best part of my post is in the following so I encourage you to read on. 

So I expected there to be some cool aliens on the moon but instead there were little spider looking things that took the shape of moon rocks. I have to admit I don't believe this movie to be true at all. I have had a moon rock in my room for three years and I have never seen it move or do anything but sit there. There is no way....wait, I think it moved. Oh my god you have to see this. It's coming towards me, what do I do? Ahhhh, get off me!! Help! Help! Hel.....

Powdered Toast Man is temporarily incapacitated. Don't worry he is not dead. This is the moon rock taking over now. You probably have a few questions like why or how did PTM continue to type as I was attacking him, or how I know how to use a computer, or how I know the English language? None of that is important at the moment. The important thing is that Apollo 18 was based on true events. Us moon rock aliens were just waiting for the right time to strike. We needed enough of us on Earth. Now that there is enough we can plan our takeover of this planet. 

We have a few things to do before the complete takeover of Earth. 1) Turn all the Kardashians into pet goats, 2) Try Taco Bell for the first time, 3) Drink a coke and eat pop rocks at the same time, 4) Go to Disney World, 5) Watch Two Girls One Cup. Death to the Humans!!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Simple Victories in Life

I love moments in life that feel like a small victory or make you feel really good for just a short bit of time. Something simple and maybe even silly that makes your day. These things make life just a little sweeter.

- Toasting your bread or bagel just the right amount

- Tying your tie the right length the first time

- A very satisfying sandwich for lunch

- Having exact change

- Getting a freebie from the vending machine

- Finding money in your pocket that you didn't know was there

- Having the hot girl in a tank top bend over near you

- Knowing the answer to the Jeopardy question when your partner didn't

- You didn't do your homework and the teacher forgets to collect it

- The feeling you get from trusting your instinct after you finish your meal out to dinner

- Finding something that you thought was lost

- Winning a prize playing a carnival/fair game  (I recently won, for the first time, that water gun game where you have to shoot inside the clown's mouth and be the first to ring your bell)

- Finishing your homework days early

- Paying less for something that you thought you knew the exact amount

- Remembering something that you were trying to figure out all day

- Realizing you are not Snooki or George Bush

Friday, July 6, 2012

Posing the Question

I am sure this question has been asked a lot but I still want to know.

Why do you blog? Are you an amateur writer trying to gauge your material? Did you create a blog because everyone else was doing it? Were you just bored one day? Do you still have no idea what you are doing?

I blog because it is a way for me to express myself in a way that I can't do in the real world. My blog humor is different than my real life humor. What I write in my posts only works in my posts. I like knowing that people that I don't know find me funny.

So what is your reason?

Monday, July 2, 2012

Fan Mail

Occasionally I will receive some fan mail. The mail comes in the form of an email, letter, telegram, Morse code transmission and/or sky writing. People have questions, concerns, comments, recipes and pictures of their hot daughters and/or sons. Here is some of that mail with my responses.

PTM, does your head and face get badly sunburned or burnt to a crisp when you go to the beach? Email from Peter Gardo, Texas

I try to avoid the beach as much as possible nowadays. Anytime I go to the beach I get attacked by seagulls and it doesn't help that I have to use butter instead of sun tan lotion on my head. Hope that answers your question Pete.

Hi, PTM, my name is Roy G. Biv. I love your blog. I have a big problem. People won't stop asking me about rainbows and I can't take it anymore. Should I change my name? If yes, what do you think is a good name? Letter from Roy G. Biv, New York

Tough break Roy. I guess you have no other option but to change your name. I have always liked the name Grover. I would of loved to meet the president Grover Cleveland. I got a great name for you, Grover Indiana. Hope you like it. Before you change your name though, I have a question. What color is indigo?

Hey PTM, I've been reading your blog for awhile and I am a huge fan. I just recently watched Back to the Future for the first time. Do you know how to build or find a flux capacitor? I just put a bid on a Delorean I found on ebay. It's going to cost me $32,000 but I am really excited to start time travelling. So again if you know anything about flux capacitors, that would really help me out. Email from John Asterin, Ohio

No, John, unfortunately I don't know anything about flux capacitors. I bet if you call up Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox, they would be glad to help you build or find one. I think you can find them on Twitter. Good luck.

Dear Mr. Powdered Toast Man. My name is Lucy and I am 16. I love eating Taco Bell. It is one of my favorite places to eat. I always go there on my school lunch. The problem is I always get really bad diarrhea from eating Taco Bell. I'm talking burn your ass hairs off diarrhea. What can I do? Letter from Lucy Johnstone, California

Lucy, I would recommend eating KFC, Popeyes and Arby's in between your Taco Bell meals to help with that diarrhea. If that doesn't work eat a lot of greasy Chinese food. Stay healthy Lucy.

PTM, I have had this rash on my inner thigh for a month and I am scared to go to the doctor. Enclosed in this letter is a photo of my thigh. Do you know what it is? Letter from Sam Blimpkin, New Mexico

I'm sorry Sam, as soon as I saw the photo I threw up all over it and then I had to burn the photo so I wouldn't look at it again out of curiosity. But from what I saw you probably need to be quarantined and have your leg amputated because that shit wasn't normal. Be safe. 

If you have any questions, comments or concerns please don't hesitate to write.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Random Thoughts

Why do the French get their own vanilla? Where is the Spanish vanilla?

Who is running IMdb and how do they know so much about movies?

Why do we still have flat head screws? Phillips head screws are superior. And why didn't they name them cross head screws? Who is this Phillips guy?

How much gum would you have to eat in order to kill you?

Do you think people are good so they can get into heaven and then when they are there they are bad?

How is livery pronounced? I see it on taxicab license plates.

How come when people get shot in movies or on tv they just look at their gunshot wound in awe without screaming bloody murder? When I stub my toe in real life I want to throw a table across the room and punch the first person I see.

I think Tyler Perry just really likes to cross dress. There isn't a logical explanation for making so many Madea movies.

Can a tree die from old age?

I like lunchables but where are the breakfastables and dinnerables?

Tuesday, June 26, 2012


I just watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes and I thought it was fantastic. I have to admit that before viewing this flick I was a Planet of the Apes virgin. I know, I am as shocked as you are. Now I have to go back and watch the original and the sequels from the 70's. I heard the 2001 remake sucked so I won't get my hopes up when I eventually watch that one.

In my opinion you really can't go wrong with prequels. There is always a story to tell and Hollywood many routes to go. Unfortunately sequels are harder to live up to because it is tough to top the original. I'm excited about The Wizard of Oz prequel that comes out next year. It tell the story of The Great Oz.

I have a great idea that I have mentioned in the past that someone should come up with a series of at least a trilogy and start at the end and work back to the beginning. Star Wars kind of did that but not entirely. Each movie would leave you wanting to know how you got to that point. They would be prequels to prequels. Someone will eventually have to run with this idea, Hollywood is running out of ideas. Remakes, prequels and sequels seem to be mainstream nowadays.

What do you think Hollywood should do? Do you have any film ideas?

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Eloquent rambling

Dammit, time just slips by without me noticing. I haven't posted anything in over a month. First I was sick and couldn't write. Then I had my wisdom teeth taken out and wasn't up to doing anything. And the last two weeks just went by and I totally forgot about blogging. What is wrong with me? Am I losing the urge to write? Do I not find blogging as awesome as when I first started? Have I lost my edge? So many questions to ask and be answered.

I need to stop making excuses and whining like a baby and shit or get off the pot. Either blog like I mean it or don't do it at all because this half ass crap isn't working. It is not like I don't have the time, I have plenty of time but I choose to do other things for some reason. It's not like I don't like writing, because I do. It's the reading of other blogs and keeping up on comment replying that gets time consuming and over whelming. I need to hire an assistant for very little money to read blogs all day and comment as Powdered Toast Man. That would make things so much easier. I feel like I should have some ultimate goal with blogging but I don't. It is really just to get comments. Isn't that all we really care about? What people have to say about what we write?

I get overwhelmed thinking about what I need to write sometimes like it's school or a job or something. It is just for shits and giggles and I need to just loosen up and go with the flow. I need to slowly make a comeback. I was at the top of my game once. I just need to figure out a way to do it again.

Or just say fuck it and be done. Any thoughts?

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Stupid is as stupid does

Fire Investigator: Do you know how the fire might have started?

Homeowner: Yes, I smelled gas in the basement. So I went down there and lit a candle so I could see where it was coming from.

Actual conversation after a fire in Medina, Ohio. Can't make this stuff up.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Wrestling or porn?

Time for a little game. You are going to guess which are the names of Wrestling Pay-per-view events and which are the names of Pornos.

PPV or Porno?

1) Fatal 4-Way
2) Breaking and Entering
3) Backstage Rumble
4) Carnage in the Cage
5) One Night Stand
6) Muscle Explosion
7) Hard Justice
8) 3-Way or the Freeway
9) The Eruption

Answers: Right click the mouse and highlight underneath to reveal the answers

1) PPV
2) Porno
3) Porno
4) PPV
5) PPV
6) Porno
7) PPV
8) Porno
9) PPV

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Man vs Wild: In the ring

I have decided that I could take on a wolf or coyote in hand to hand combat. As long as it doesn't get a hold of my jugular I believe I could defend myself and come away with minor injuries. I am able to take down my sister's pit bull no problem so I figure a wolf or coyote wouldn't be that much different. Now a bigger animal like a bear or a lion, then I'm fucked, there is no winning that fight unless I had a AK-47. I actually wouldn't even want to fight something small like a raccoon or a opossum. Those things are secret ninja assassins and way to squirrelly for me. They would be on top of my head and I wouldn't even know it.

I am sure this goes on in other countries. Like Man versus wild: to the death or Man versus animal: MMA style.  Where a man or woman would go one on one versus another animal in the hexagonal cage. Animals like bears and lions would have to be fought 3 or 4 on 1 to make it fair. No weapons though, only what you are born with and your clothes on your back are allowed in the ring. And it wouldn't be like bull fighting where they kill the bull regardless of what happens. In this fight, if the animal wins, they get to live another day and fight another fight. Sure, it is somewhat inhumane but as long as the animals sign waivers, then it shouldn't be a problem.

We would never be able to organize this thing in the U.S., so a third world country would have to be it's birthplace. I would love to see three grown men fighting a bear inside a cage. Ah man, a fight against a porcupine would be interesting. I personally would feel bad just going up to the animal and kicking it in the face unless it provoked me first. Only land animals are allowed, there will be no fighting a shark in a giant fish tank, that is just asking for trouble. I'm not sure yet if I would allow birds, at least ones that could fly. Ostriches are okay because they are flightless. But is flying an advantage? The cage would have to have a roof in order for that too work. And no dueling against nonviolent or cute animals like penguins or rabbits. I will have to create a rule book and a list of animals that are allowed.

What do you think? Would you watch?

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Dumb things kids do

I just have one random story to share with you from my childhood. It will be quick and painless so stop your moaning. It's not a long story and I think you will find it amusing. So back when I was about 12 or 13 my mom was having a shindig over at our house with friends and family. I decided that I wanted to play a prank on one of the adults by shaking up a can of beer and watching it spray all over them when they opened it. After shaking it up real good I remembered an episode of The Simpsons where Bart when through tremendous efforts to shake up Homer's beer. Bart even used a paint shaking machine to shake the beer. In this episode when Homer opened the beer it exploded and blew the roof off of the house. At the time I was young and naive so I thought this could actually happened. For fear that the shaken beer would explode in a fiery ball, I ran into the woods with it and buried it near the bank of a pond where no one could find it. Years later I remembered that I did this and went searching for the buried beer, alas, I could not find it.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Maxim cheating advice

I was lucky enough to sit down and talk with former President Bill Clinton and he had a lot to talk about. We don't have the time to go over everything we talked about but he did leave me with some advice. I give you, in no specific order, Slick Willy's guide to cheating on your spouse. Warning: The tips below are not the opinions of Powdered Toast Man or anyone affiliated with Just the Cheese. We do not condone or endorse the following information. It is solely promoted by Bill Clinton.

1) Do not leave bubble wrap lying around on the floor of your house or apartment. It makes it difficult to sneak back into the house after tapping some ass.

2) Do not text or sext your mistress or gigolo while you are having relations with your significant other.

3) Do not get involved with glitter, it is impossible to wash off and stays with you for weeks.

4) When receiving fellatio or cunnilingus in your office make sure the door is securely locked.

5) Do not babysit for the person you are having an affair with. It arises suspicion and poses too many questions.

6) Always sign a prenuptial agreement.

7) When thinking of baby names disregard the names of the hooker's you slept with.

8) Having two wives/husbands that don't know about each other only works on TV.

9) Deny, Deny, Deny.

10) A tattoo of a woman's name that is not your wifes' is suicide.

Advisory: Any interest in these tips by Just the Cheese staff is only for amusement. We are in no way consenting that these are good tips.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Pros & Cons: Bacon



Has a PhD in deliciousness 
Has improved salads by 155%
It single handedly stopped the Cold War
Has greatly improved the image of the turkey
Helped Bill Clinton become president
Turned the economy around after The Great Depression
Along with ketchup helped hamburger kick it's coke habit
Chili's Triple Thick Bacon
Always lifts the toilet seat up
It's bacon


Clogs the arteries
Gives you the meat sweats
Introduced Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky
Shrinks when you cook it
Not toaster friendly
Has a prostitution addiction
Taught Lindsay Lohan how to drive
You can never get enough
Doesn't wear a condom
Watches Jersey Shore

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Missed Connections

The missed connections are real. I took them straight from Craigslist. The replies are my creation.

Class - m4w

Missed Connection - We have a couple classes together and we have had class together in past. Sometimes we sit by each other. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are really cute, you have this look about you, it is different but really sexy. 

Reply - Are you talking about my glass eye? No one has ever told me it was sexy before. I lost it in a fight with my brother over the last hot dog at dinner. Want to grab a breakfast burrito at 7-Eleven?

Buying gas with change this morning - m4w

Missed Connection - You were petite and very good looking in line in front of me purchasing fuel with a bagful of change, hope you see this, and i hope you werent looking at me because i had something on my face or a booger or sumthing....anyways, your cute! 

Reply - U thunked I were cute? Dat iz so swet. I founded dat monies on der grownd all ober da plaic. U did haf a boogie in yer nose. I thunked it were funnie. I like putty tats!!

Chinden Trailer Park - m4w

Missed ConnectionI drove by and you were putting up pink flamingos in your yard. You caught my attention because you were wearing bright pink spandex and a tank top. My truck was so muddy you asked if you could wash it. I couldn't take my eyes off your missing tooth, and couldn't wait to get closer to that mouth. You make my pants tight when I think about you and want to see you again. I want to see your toes too. I love toes. 

Reply - Are you serious dude? Are you talking about my wife? Is that how you pick up chick by telling them you want to see their toes? Get a life you fucking loser. I'm the reason she is missing that tooth and if you come near our trailer again I will beat your ass with one of the flamingos. 

In your own heart - m4w

Missed know what you did wrong. You betrayed me at Thanksgiving through a curtain
of lies and deceit. After everything we had gone through as friends and you tossed it aside
like it was nothing.
No wonder your ex left you. No wonder you have so few friends. 

I forgive you but you are not a very good person.
Karma will bite your ass...hard, and yet I will always
keep my promise to protect you when you need it.
Because I'm a good man.
Much better than you deserve.

Reply - That is no way to speak to your grandmother. Just for that, I am not giving you any money for your birthday or Christmas this year. You think long and hard about what you did. I will be waiting for a phone call with your apology or I am telling your mother. 

Friday, April 13, 2012

Subway vs Quiznos

We have all wondered, which is the better sandwich franchise, Subway or Quiznos? Let me be the first person to tell you that you cannot base your decision on taste alone. Here are 10 not so well known facts about each of the dueling franchises.


1) It was the first sandwich to be eaten on the moon.

2) The lite mayo is 1/3 part Jared Fogle's semen.

3) They reuse lettuce from the garbage.

4) Jared Fogle is their personal assassin. He has killed approximately 91 people that have bad mouthed Subway.

5) One dollar from every sale is donated to Lindsay Lohan to pay for driving school.

6) Red Heads are charged an extra 4% tax.

7) All the vegetables are bought from a bodega in NYC.

8) The chicken breast is 40% turkey.

9) Some of the Keebler Elves help with making the bread.

10) Three babies were named Subway in 2009.


1) About 85% of their employees have or have had a serious crystal meth addiction.

2) If you are not fully satisfied with your meal and you call customer service to complain, they will send over a prostitute to your house free of charge.

3) Can't tell you how, but they are linked to the Watergate Scandal.

4) All employees are forced to get "Mmmmm, toasty" tattooed somewhere on their body.

5) The word Quizno is Thai for erect pickle.

6) Are involved in a lawsuit with Chili's for the patent of triple thick bacon

7) Hulk Hogan briefly worked there in the summer of 2006.

8) They are currently working on a board game.

9) There is a sign in the bathrooms that states the employees have the option of washing their hands.

10) Too much ranch is what caused Wilfred Brimley's Diabetes.

Now based on your new knowledge, which is the better franchise?

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Pizza Pizza

Well you may or may not know but Pizza Hut has come out with a new pizza, a stuffed crust pizza with hot dogs. That's right, the pizza crust is stuffed with hot dogs. Whether you like or dislike the idea is besides the point. The important thing is that I was able to infiltrate Pizza Hit headquarters and steal the stuffed crust brainstorming folder. Here are the ideas that launched and failed or never make it off the drawing board.


  • Tuna Fish
  • Jelly Beans
  • Butter
  • Maple Syrup
  • Lucky Charms
  • Jello Pudding
  • Sushi
  • Brussel Sprouts
  • General Tso's Chicken
  • Salt
  • Cocaine
  • Cole Slaw
  • Pumpkin Pie Filling
  • Bubble Gum
  • Fruit Roll Ups
  • Live Worms
  • Helium
  • Pop Rocks
  • Raisins
  • Tooth Paste
  • Coffee
I have to say, that Jello Pudding idea doesn't seem that bad.


Wednesday, April 11, 2012


I think my brain is sabotaging my blogging career. I want to write things but it tells me it doesn't have any good ideas. I tell my brain that I have plenty of ideas stored as drafts. My brain is being a stubborn asshole. I am going to hit it with a frying pan soon. Maybe my run at blogging is over? I hope not. I miss it but can't seem to get started again. I have the time but lack the drive. I will just call this an unexpected hiatus. Don't count me out yet. I know I have something up my sleeve.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Weird Laws: Part 15


In Carrizozo it is forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public. There must be a lot of streaking going on in that town.

In Deming persons may not spit on the steps of the opera house. Vomiting, urinating and defecating are perfectly okay.

In Deming hunting is prohibited in Mountain View Cemetery. Take your zombie hunting to another cemetery. 


Women may go topless in public, providing it is not being used as a business. Dammit, I thought my topless car wash idea was genius. 

A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. What is the fine for dressing up your penis as Abraham Lincoln and walking around naked?

It is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun. What if I'm just dong it out of boredom?


The mere possession of a lottery ticket is illegal and may result in a $2,000 fine. If I'm a winner do I still get to keep the money?

It is against the law to sing off key. Britney Spears better stay our of NC. 

Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields. Just imagine how much they could fertilize the fields as they plow.


It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep with your shoes on. So you are saying I need to sleep standing up if I want to keep my shoes on?

Beer and pretzels may not be served at the same time in any bar or restaurant. Beer and pretzels are like coke and pop rocks to them. 

It is illegal to shoot an Indian on horseback, provided you are in a covered wagon. This law only applies if you are playing the game Oregon Trail. 

Friday, February 17, 2012


I have taken six 2-word phrases traditionally found on those little candy hearts and changed one letter in each word in each phrase, but kept the order of the letters and the order of the words the same. Can you figure out all the original sayings?







ANSWERS (Right click and highlight with mouse to reveal answers)







Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Things an xmas tree might say...

I thought up this idea mid December but never got around to writing it. Better late than never. If a Christmas Tree and a Hanukkah Menorah ever crossed paths. Things a Christmas Tree might say to a Hanukkah Menorah

Do these ornaments make me look gay?

Every year I tell them no tinsel, but do they listen to me?

If I had the ability to urinate, I would take a leak on all these presents.

At least at the end of you holiday you get to be blown.

You know my cousin Sal was the tree in Rockefellar Center last year, no joke.

Do you know where I can get one of those hats your people wear?

If I hear those damn kids sing that Jingle Bells song again I will burn this mother down.

Are you giving me the finger?

Oh no!! I'm losing all my needles. I knew this day would come.

So do you know the deal behind the Easter Bunny and hiding eggs?

Have you seen Passion of the Christ yet? Man, they really gave it to that Jesus dude.

I can't hear them but I know all those trees out there are laughing at me.

I don't like the way that cat is looking at me.