Thursday, December 1, 2011

FYI and all that stuff

School is almost over, only a couple of weeks left. After that I can get back to my regular blogging hours. I haven't posted anything significant in over two months. I was on a roll for awhile with ideas. 2012 will be filled with good blogging times. Keep PTM in the back of your mind. See ya soon.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Dear Blogosphere,

I do apologize for my lack of posting and commenting. I meant to take off a week and it kind of snowballed. I am busy with school and work so it is tough to find free time to blog. I haven't forgotten about my duties here at JTC. I will try to write up some things this week but I can't make any promises. I will leave you with a joke.

Why did the lollipop cross the road?

Because it was stuck to the chicken.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Q & A

Here are some fun questions to answer. Just leave your responses in a comment so others can read your creativity.

1) What would your stripper/stage name be?

2) What is the most ridiculous name you have heard someone call the female or male genitalia?

3) If you could get away with killing one celebrity, who would it be and why?

4) If you could create your own holiday, what would it be called and what would it be about?

I will post my answers on Thursday or Friday.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Lame Joke of the Day

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve ropes here, you will have to leave." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays both ends of himself. He re-enters the bar and orders a drink again. The bartender says, "didn't you just hear what I said, we don't serve ropes here." The rope replies, "I'm afraid not." (I'm a frayed knot)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Get off the phone!!

I haven't ranted in awhile and I do love some good old fashioned ranting like my great grandma used to do. Okay, I have no idea if my great grandma ranted a lot, I might be lying, please don't hold me to it. Most of my rants are about how annoying or frustrating people are, especially while driving but this rant isn't about driving. I could rant everyday on people's inability to drive. Don't get me started.

I think technology has taken over our lives. I think cell phones especially have taken control of people. I have to admit that I am addicted to my cell phone from time to time, mostly playing word games. What bothers the crap out of me is when people walk and use their cell phones, whether it be texting or playing a game, talking on their cell and walking doesn't bother me as much. People who text and walk should be beaten with a pillow case full of bars of soap. Either these idiots walk to slow or have no idea where they are walking. How about you pull over to the edge of the sidewalk or walkway and do whatever you need to do on your phone. I even saw people walking and texting in the rain, really people? You can't even be off your phone in the rain?
It is mostly on school campus that I run into this annoyance. Damn young people have no respect.

While I am on the subject of young college students, I would also like these kids to learn some sidewalk etiquette. It is sort of like driving a car, you are suppose to stay to the right (if you live in the U.S.). You don't walk on the left side and you don't walk with a group side to side taking up the whole damn walkway. I would really like to punch one of these kids in the face. Who taught these kids the rules anyway? I think I just hate large groups of people because somehow or another they always are in my way. I will have to invest in a Segway so I can run them over.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Worst Movies Ever Blogfest

Alex J. Cavanaugh is hosting yet another blogfest. I love it when the blogfest involves movies. This one was probably harder to make compared to the favorite movies blogfest. I try to stay clear of movies that I think are potentially going to be bad or I just plain forget about the bad ones. I am sure there are lots of movies I forgot about. These are the ones that popped into my head so that is what I am using. I will definitely see films I missed on other blogs. And not in a specific order, here is my list.

Freddy Got Fingered - I got this movie for Christmas one year from my mom for whatever reason. I watched it and immediately sold it to a store in the mall for $3.

Balls of Fury - I thought this movie would be similar to Dodgeball and have some humor in it but I don't think I laughed once. I have less respect for Christopher Walken and Robert Patrick now.

S. Darko - This is probably the worst sequel coming from a great movie I have ever seen. I love Donnie Darko but this sequel was worst than Casey Anthony's verdict.

I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer - This would be the straight to video third installment of the I Know What You Did Last Summer series. I am going to tell you who the killer is so you don't watch it. SPOILER ALERT!! The killer is the ghost of the original killer. Very terrible.

Charlies Angels: Full Throttle - I liked the first one because it was hot girls kicking ass but I couldn't even watch this whole movie. Did they win?

Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny
- I love the band, I think they are hilarious but something went horribly wrong when making this flick. Why Jack Black, why?

Mission: Impossible 2 - As a stand alone movie this would probably be okay but when compared to the 1st and 3rd films it is pretty bad. 

Lost in Space - Matt Le Blanc should stick to 90's sitcoms. Danger, Gary Oldman, Danger!!

Cabin Fever -
Mmm flesh eating virus. Why wasn't Ben Savage co-starring with Rider Strong. I would of enjoyed the movie better.

DreamCatcher - I was very excited to see this movie when it came out. Then I saw it when it came out on DVD and immediately regretted my decision. Stephen King tricked me. I sent him a letter requesting a refund for my ticket. I never got a response.

Make sure you head over to Alex's blog to join in the fun and check out the other participants. 

Friday, September 16, 2011

Barker Beauty Interview

I'm not sure if it is publicly known but Bob Barker from the daytime game show The Price is Right was involved in many sexual harassment lawsuits with the women that he worked with. They were ironically called The Barker Beauties. The lawsuits were kept very hush-hush and not much information was known, until now. I have with me today one of Barker's Beauties who is going to sit down and do an exclusive first time interview with me here on 'Just the Cheese'. Please welcome to the stage Ivonna Bangkok.

PTM: I am so glad that you picked this blog to do your first interview on. I am truly honored. How are you feeling today?

Ivonna: Rich. Oh...please edit that out. Where is the buffet I was promised?

PTM: How long did you work on The Price is Right?

Ivonna: What? Oh that, hmmm....I'm not supposed to discuss it, but long enough to get a reputation.

PTM: What were some of the names that Bob called you?

Ivonna: in Oh mostly, which is better then being referred to as a Barker. I'll tell you something that's not well known, everyone thinks we got called that because it's his name but it's actually more about his favorite position. And the fact that he liked us to bark when he was doing it. But please don't ask about the dog collar...although I think there might be pictures on a website somewhere.

PTM: Were you intimately involved with any of the other girls on the show?

Ivonna: Well yes, but then sometimes Bob needed a rest.

PTM: What do you think of these abs? (lifts up shirt and points at abs)

Ivonna: Are you doing anything later?

PTM: Would it be all right if I asked what your favorite sexual position is?

Ivonna: I like them all, but of course there is one that will always remind me of Bob. Would you like me to show you? 

PTM: There was a rumor going around that Bob has a penile implant, can you comment on that?
Ivonna: Yes, the surgeon did a great job - you really wouldn't know it used to be a vagina.

PTM: Did Bob and Rod Roddy, may he rest in peace, ever gang up on you?

Ivonna: Only on public holidays....and once on my birthday.

PTM: Your son looks an awful lot like Bob, could he be the father?

Ivonna: I beg your pardon? I have a daughter.

PTM: You know, I have a jacuzzi in my dressing room. How about you meet me in there after the show? I'll bring the bubble bath.

Ivonna: As long as the price is right, just be sure and bring those abs.

PTM: Don't forget you signed that waiver before the show so you can't sue me for sexual harassment. I'm smarter than Bob. Last question then we are out of time. What is your favorite Price is Right game?

Ivonna: The ones the censors wouldn't let you see. And I'll be the one doing the harassment but don't be thinking you can sue me, it's not like I have any money. I spent it on these (lifts top and points at massive tits)
How much am I getting paid for doing this? 

PTM: We can discuss that in the jacuzzi. That's all the time we have today. Thanks for watching and tune in next time when we will have Bob Barker to tell his side of the story. (looks at producer) What's that? We couldn't get Bob? The best we could do is Drew Carey?  No, no, I will not stand for this. I will call Bob personally. Drew is a douche. See you next time folks.

I would like to thank Dirtycowgirl for playing the part of Ivonna. It was her first time guest posting on JTC and she did an awesome job. Anyone that goes and gives her some blog love will get a free T-shirt. Click HERE to visit Left Alone With A Full Moon.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

In the Bedroom

Awhile ago I did a post on the phenomenon of sleep kissing. If you are not familiar with it, I will explain. Sleep kissing is when you randomly wake up from sleep or a nap and starts kissing your partner. It usually feels different than regular kissing and is more passionate. A lot of the times I forget that I even did it until I wake up and think 'did I wake up and do that?' Sometimes sleep kissing leads to sleep groping but not that often. I am not telling you all this as a repost but more as a continuation of the first post.

I am here to tell you about a new phenomenon that just occurred the other night. I will call it sleep sex. The other night I woke up after only being asleep for an hour or so and started kissing Nicole. Normally I would just go back to sleep but for some reason it really turned me on and things just progressed without even thinking. It felt like I was half dreaming. It was very hot and sensual. That is the first time that sleep kissing has turned into sleep intercourse. I always thought it would and I was just waiting on it.

So do you sleep kiss or maybe even sleep sex?

Monday, September 12, 2011

Where Are They Now?

This series accounts the lives and events of people that were once famous and now you don’t know what they are doing. I’m here to give you the lowdown.

I am here to tell you the whereabouts of the Maytag Repair Man. I am sure a lot of you are wandering what happened to that man. I am going to divulge some secrets about the Maytag Repair Man. He didn't know anything about how to fix a washer or dryer. He had no mechanical experience at all. He was just a face behind the name. Most people that needed service on their appliance just assumed that he would be the one to stop by their house. The actual repair man would have to lie and tell the customer that he was out on another service call.

The fact that he couldn't fix an appliance isn't his biggest secret. He was hiding something from the company for awhile that he just couldn't keep to himself any longer. He told them that he was a cross dresser and could no longer hide it from the world. He demanded that he be able to "be himself" in the commercials. He was still under contract and the company couldn't discriminate against his lifestyle so they shot the commercials with him dressed as a woman. The company told him that they would air the commercials after the old ones did their run. They ran one of the new commercials at 3 in the morning. They waited until his contract expired and then they fired him for some bullshit reason. He was devastated.

He tried looking for other spokesperson positions. He auditioned for the Chiquita banana lady, Welch's grape juice girl and one of Barker's beauties on The Price is Right. Nobody would hire him. He goes by the name Ruth and only dresses as a man when he attends church. He spends a lot of his money at Victoria's Secret. You might see his at your local Walmart if you look hard enough.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Cheesy Interview

I have brought my very special blogger buddy here today to do a serious interview. Rawknrobyn of Life by Chocolate is going to share with us her thoughts and feelings about 'Just the Cheese'. I think we all want to know what she thinks about this blog and where it is headed. So please, turn off your tv, silence you pagers and put your kids down for a nap, this could get pretty intense.
PTM:  Thank you Robyn for being here today. I know that you are a very busy lady.

Robyn: Sure thing. Actually I haven’t gotten busy--*wink, sigh and elbow nudge*-- in a long, long time. You’re looking pretty sexy in those Speedos. Do you always dress like that for the office? Hubba hubba!

PTM: Let's get right down to it. I'm going to ask you some real serious and perhaps controversial questions today. Each question will be tougher than the last. Are you up for the challenge?

Robyn: Honey, you’re the one who needs to be UP for it (unbuttoning her top shirt button, Robyn leans in closer to PTM). Give it to me, babe!

PTM: Great, my first question is, what is your favorite kind of cheese and why?

Robyn: double chocolate cheesecake with chocolate chips on a chocolate graham cracker crust drenched in chocolate syrup. I like it because it has no anchovies.

PTM: What is your least favorite kind of cheese and why?

Robyn: Swiss because it’s holy. I’m not such a holy gal. *Wink, wink.*

PTM: When you hear the name 'Just the Cheese', what is the first word that pops into your head?

Robyn: Do you need a private secretary? I’ll do the job for free.

PTM: What is your favorite thing about 'Just the Cheese'?

Robyn: (scanning PTM from head to toe) I like the whole package.

PTM: What thing do you like least about 'Just the Cheese'?

Robyn: (Distracted by PTM’s manliness, Robyn pushes a pencil from the desk onto the floor and it drops at her feet.) Oh I’m sorry. Will you please get closer and pick that up for me? I have back problems.

PTM: What is it about 'Just the Cheese' that kept you coming back?

Robyn: (unbuttoning another shirt button) It’s getting really hot in here! Did you say something?

PTM: Does JTC need some chocolate added to it?

Robyn: Well, let’s go off-stage and find out.

PTM: It's obvious that you are secretly in love with me. How does it make you feel knowing that I am taken?

Robyn: Great. I’m hopeful for a foursome - you two, me and Danny De Vito.
PTM: How many slices of cheese do you like on your sandwiches?

Robyn: It depends how many times I cut the cheese.

PTM: Does it bother you that the Trix Rabbit never gets the cereal?

Robyn: Nah. He’s got connections. I’ve seen him at parties all hopped up on Cocoa Puffs. That hare brain!

PTM: Unfortunately that is all the time we have. Join us next time when we will have, um, somebody else on the show. Robyn, let me show you that thing I was telling you about before, it's in my dressing room. (PTM escorts Robyn backstage with what looks like a roll of quarters in his pocket).

I would like to thank RawknRobyn for playing the part of herself. She did a phenomenal job as usual. I always love having her on as a special guest. Don't forget to head over to her blog and give her some love. Tell her I sent you (I get one cookie for each person I send over).

Monday, September 5, 2011

My Bucket List

I decided to set my goals pretty low on my bucket list. It's the under achiever in me that put this on paper.

  • Eat a whole carton of ice cream
  • Win a prize out of the claw machine game
  • Watch all three extended editions of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy in a row
  • Do an entire crossword puzzle by myself without cheating
  • Win a staring contest
  • Donate sperm
  • Attempt (but not set) a Guinness World Record
  • Meet Bob Barker
  • Pet a giraffe
  • Eat a bug
  • Fly a kite in a thunderstorm
  • Watch someone slip on a banana peel
  • Inherit a super power
  • Try some heroin
  • Get 100 Hula Hoop revolutions
  • Beat Yo! Noid video game for Nintendo 
  • Build a four story card house
  • Pickpocket a complete stranger
  • Reverse pickpocket a gang member
  • Become a judge on The Miss America Pageant
  • Run a 1/4 of a marathon
  • Be the first person to purchase a 4D Television (when available)
  • Read an entire book, cover to cover
  • See if the toilets and sinks south of the equator drain clockwise
  • Grow a beard

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

For Your Information and Yours Too

As you may have noticed JTC got some minor cosmetic surgery. I changed a few fonts, updated PTM's profile, changed the description and added some tabs. All the 'Weird Laws' posts that I have done are under the Weird Laws tab. The 'Where Are They Now?' tab has the two posts that I have done with that subject. I plan to do more and I will add them on there when I do. I know how all of you love the Weird Laws so now you can easily access the ones you didn't read and leave comments (because you like me).

I like the background to much to change it. I hadn't changed anything on here in awhile so I thought it needed some sprucing up. I really like the font I picked for the header. It is called cherry cream soda or something weird like that. I recently deleted my entire blog roll and started from scratch. I had every blog I followed on that roll but a lot of those blogs didn't exist anymore or were moved to another blog. Don't be offended if you aren't on the list. I only started with the blogs that I frequently visit. Your blog could be up there next.

In other news, I will be starting school again next week. It came up out of nowhere. I have five more classes to take then I can graduate with an Associates Degree in Marketing then on to some other school, I don't know where yet. What does this mean for you? Unfortunately homework and school comes first so I will have less time for blogging. I will most likely be posting less frequently and reading your blogs less. This doesn't mean that I don't love you anymore but PTM needs priorities and blogging is not one of them. I will do my best to be as involved as possible but I can't make any promises. I have a day job now so maybe this semester will be different than last semester. I didn't get much sleep working overnights last semester.

I have a ton of ideas to play with and some guest posts to work on to keep it fresh. Don't forget about your buddy PTM. I will still be around just not as much. I did recently buy my first laptop so the Internet is more accessible than it was.

So what do you think of the changes I made I here?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Interview With a Legend

With us today is a very well known and respected female figure. Please give a warm welcome to the one and only Miss Piggy.
PTM: Thank you for sitting down with us today. It is nice to finally meet you.

Miss Piggy: I know!

PTM: Are you excited about the new Muppets movie coming out?

Miss Piggy: You mean the one I'LL be starring in? Of course! I'm drunk. You're exciting....

PTM: I heard a rumor that you and Kermit were having some marital problems. Something about an affair with Fozzie. Is any of that true?

Miss Piggy: Next question.

PTM: Have you ever eaten bacon?

Miss Piggy: I have. Problem?

PTM: Who is your celebrity crush and what would you do if you met them?

Miss Piggy: Taylor Lautner. everything I would do to him is probably illegal and not just because I'm an animal (winks)

PTM: You have had a very successful career, what do you think you will be doing 10 years from now?

Miss Piggy: Justin Bieber.

PTM: Ok, my director is telling me that a stage hand found a pile of feces in your dressing room. I knew you were a pig, but come on. You couldn’t use the toilet?

Miss Piggy: That's not mine.....OKAY! OKAY! I'm DRUNK. Shit happens!

PTM: Is it true that a few years ago Gonzo was in rehab for 2 months for a coke problem?

Miss Piggy: Yes. But seeing as this questionnaire is about your truly (bats eyes) we could talk about MY coke pro...I mean......(smiles)

PTM: We only have a few more minutes so I’m going to take a question or two from the audience. You, in the front in the Goonies shirt. What is your question?

Audience Member: Can any of the Muppet Babies understand Beaker?

Miss Piggy: When we're under the influence. 

PTM: Last question, you, the guy that looks like Santa Claus.

Audience Member: Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants but when he comes out of the shower he wraps a towel around his waist. What’s up with that?

Miss Piggy: That might be due to the time he got arrested for coke. Despite Gonzo's warnings, Donald dropped the soap multiple times. I personally think he enjoyed it.....

PTM: Thank you Miss Piggy for stopping by.
I want to thank my friend Johana for playing the part of Miss Piggy.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Failed Slogans

The average consumer can probably identify many of their favorite companies' slogans. We hear them on the radio or seem them on tv and they just get glued to our brain. Some companies like to change their slogan/motto every once in awhile to change things up while others stick with the one that works. I am here to share with you slogans that failed miserably. After you are done with this head on over to Life by Chocolate to check out an awesome post that I contributed to.....HERE.

Nabisco Triscuits - "We promise you it doesn't taste like cardboard."

Hoover - "We suck."

IHOP - "At least we aren't Denny's."

Jack Daniels - "Whiskey so smooth you'll want to drink it for breakfast."

Nike - "We make sneakers."

Old Spice - "Smelling like your grandpa since 1934."

Poland Spring - "Contains only 7% deer urine."

Coca-Cola - "Pepsi is our bitch."

Jelly Belly - "2 out of 5 dentists recommend it."

United Airlines - "Your safety is our #3 concern."

Mcdonalds - "We'll show you where the beef is."

Sears - "If we don't carry it, K-mart probably has it."

Viagra - "Giving elderly men a reason to get up in the morning."

Red Bull - "Crack in a can."

Trojan Condoms - "Cheaper than an abortion."

Don't miss out on The Mating Game created by Rawknrobyn, PTM, Oilfield Trash and Al Penwasser. A post included us four just has to be good.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

PTM Wants YOU!!

I love guest posting, whether it is me guest posting on another blog or someone guest posting here on Just the Cheese. I love blog post collaboration, it is a lot of fun. I have had many bloggers share their creative juices with me (that sounded kind of dirty). Just to name a few, there has been Golden Girl, Baby Sister, Rawknrobyn, Invisible Seductress, Geof (@ The Man-Cave) and many others.

I would like to invite YOU the reader to join me in creating a great blog post. This is an open invitation to whoever wants to guest post on 'Just the Cheese'. Don't be shy, I don't bite, unless you want me to. I usually end up doing a wacky interview with my guest posters but you never know what could happen. Also if you have an idea that you want to share with me then don't hesitate to throw it out there.

If you would like to team up just let me know in a comment or email me at

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Meet 'N' Greet

About 2 weeks ago, Nicole and I went to a tasting at the venue where we are getting hitched. If you follow
"... and the pickles" you might of read what she wrote on it. She had covered mostly what food was there and how it tasted, it definitely made me hungry and wanting to go back for more grub. I am not writing this post to repeat what Nicole had written about. I am here to cover something that she did not talk about.

We were seated with two other couples at our dinner table. Paul & Vanessa were a couple in their late 20's that are getting married this October. Peter & Donna were the parents of a bride that was getting married in September. They were awesome people. We definitely had the 'funnest' table at the tasting. There were about 80-100 people there total. We all just clicked and were laughing the whole time. The food was delicious and all but it was these two couples that made my night. I love meeting people that you can just connect with right away. It turns out that we were at the same Bridal Show in February that Paul & Vanessa attended. In fact Vanessa had said that she recognized Nicole and Nicole said she recognized Paul. I think his name was Paul, I can't remember, it doesn't really matter now.

So the night was fantastic, we were the last table to leave and we exchanged hugs and handshakes. What sucks is that we will probably never see them again. We didn't get their last names and we didn't exchange numbers. The only thing I do know is that they are getting married October 21st of this year at the same venue we are, I know what town they live in and I know the name of the band that Paul is in. I just tried searching for his band's website and I can't find it. The best shot we have to see them again is crashing their wedding. I've had this happen a few times were I have met people or a person that I've liked but never see them again.

Has anything like this ever happen to you?

Monday, August 22, 2011

Weird Laws: Part 14

Another installment of weird laws of the U.S.


It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail. No husband wants her wife finding out that he has fallen in love with a gay cowboy.

It is a misdemeanor to show movies that depict acts of felonious crime. I didn't even know felonious was a word.

In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks attached to the wheels. How am I suppose compete in a death race?


In Nyala, a man is forbidden from buying drinks for more than three people other than him at any one period during the day. Who is keeping track of everyone's drink? Is that a high paying job?

It is illegal to drive a camel on the highway. It's because they can't reach the minimum speed of 40 mph.

In Eureka, men who wear mustaches are forbidden from kissing women. I found wear homosexuality got started.


It is illegal to sell the clothes one is wearing to pay off a gambling debt. Dirty underwear has a low resale value.

It is illegal to check into a hotel under an assumed name. How else is a politician going to get way with cheating on his wife with a hooker?

It is illegal to pick seaweed up off of the beach. That is the lifeguard's job when he isn't gawking at young girls in bikinis.


It is against the law to frown at a police officer. Frowning is the police officer's kryptonite, not many people know that.

In Newark, it is illegal to sell ice cream after 6 pm unless the customer has a note from his/her doctor. Who? Dr. Pepper?

It is illegal to slurp soup. No note from your dentist is going to get you out of this one.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

To the Bat Cave!

I'm sure we are all well aware of the things that Batman has in the Bat Cave. There is the Batmobile, hi-tech computer, different Bat suits and some cool gadgets. I have a list of items that you didn't know were in the Bat Cave.

Manicure/Pedicure Station

Library consisting of mostly Dr. Seuss, Judy Blume and Mick Foley books

A room for Batman's collection of Raberge Eggs

A closet filled with women's wigs and clothing

The entire collection of Sex and the City and Beverly Hills 90210 on Blu-Ray

A marble statue of Lou Ferigno

Knitting supplies with 3 unfinished afghans

A golden harp

 2 cardboard boxes filled with old Cosmo and Vanity Fair magazines

A sex swing

Disco ball

A blow-up doll that looks like Robin

One of those mechanical horses that you see outside of the supermarket that is coin activated

Bowling alley

The corpse of John Candy

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Belated Blogaversary

I'm late to my own anniversary. I lost track of the time, snorting hot sauce on the weekends has impaired my ability to tell time. On Tuesday August 9th was 'Just the Cheese' two year anniversary. I thought at some point I would lose interest in this hobby but it hasn't happened yet. I just read my one year anniversary post and 90% of the bloggers that commented on that post still follow and comment on this blog. I think that is so awesome that people have stuck by all this randomness. I wish that the one blogger that really started following and commenting on my blog was still around blogging. Asblackasobama come back to us, we miss you. I'm sure some of you remember him and others have no idea who he is, that is all right.

I would love to put all my time and energy into this blog so I can have thousands of followers and hundreds of comments but there isn't any money in it for me. I wish I could do this as a career, that would be awesome. I know there are professional bloggers out there but how many of them write random humor? What stinks is I have about double the followers I did last year but still get the same number of comments. Where did everybody go? Why don't they love me anymore? Okay PTM, stop crying, you're embarrassing yourself in front of your loyal fans. Deep breath, goooooosefraba.

I am turning this into some sort of rant and that wasn't my plan at the start of this post. I can't even remember what I was going to write about. Sausages? No. Hamsters? No. Macho Man Randy Savage? No. I guess I will never know. Thank you all for reading my nonsense and I hope that you will keep reading until either you spontaneously combust or you get kidnapped by a gang of dwarf ninjas. What's that? You want to offer me an award? How thoughtful, just put it with the others.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Just some ideas

I have some great ideas for movies that should be made.

Gremlins 3: The Newest Batch
The first two movies are cult classics and so original. I keep checking IMDb every now and then to see if someone is going to make it but nothing yet. The third installment of the Gremlins movies would take place at an amusement park at night. Billy (Zach Galligan) and Kate (Phoebe Cates) are back over 20 years later but now they have kids. One of the kids sneaks Gizmo into a backpack (even though they know better) and brings him to the park. Gizmo gets wet and the fun begins. I see Stripe and the Gremlins tying Gizmo to the front of a roller coaster to torture him. Maybe Hulk Hogan can be working one of the games like the strong man bell. I'm sure this one wouldn't be a blockbuster hit but I think it would be awesome to see anther Gremlins get made. Who's with me?

Jurassic Park IV
This one keeps getting announced and canceled. Speilberg needs to lock down that script. The first one was awesome, the sequel was pretty good but the third one sucked ass. A fourth one needs to be done to save the franchise. I read somewhere that Joe Johnston (the director of Jurassic Park III) said that Jurassic Park IV would be the start of a new trilogy. If this is true then they have to go in a whole new direction. There are only so many times they can go back to those islands. There aren't any movies that come close to Jurassic Park and I just want to see some more dinosaurs.

Backwards Trilogy
A trilogy that starts with the third movie and works backwards with two prequels. Has this been done before? Would this confuse people?

Back to the Future 4
Christopher Lloyd isn't dead yet and they can find someone to replace Michael J Fox. I'm sure Emmett Brown can find a new protege. I just love time traveling movies. I'm sure it wouldn't be as good as the original trilogy and I am sure someone already tossed this idea around in their head.

Alice in Wonderland Prequel/Sequel
I am sure Tim Burton already has this up his sleeve. I liked Alice in Wonderland but felt he could of expanded on the story.

I know I had some more but I can't think of them right now. I will have to do a sequel to this post in the future.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Amended Proverbs

A twist on everyday proverbs and sayings

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it swim

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you will be gutting and cooking fish on the weekends.

You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can drop that old dog off at the pound and buy a new dog that will learn.

He who lives in a glass house shouldn't throw stones. He also shouldn't masturbate in the middle of the day.

If I had a nickel for every time I heard the saying 'if I had a nickel', I would have a boat load of nickels.

The early bird catches the worm. And the early ejaculator gets teased by the ladies.

A dog is a man's best friend, because he can't rat the man out to his wife.

A woman's work is never done, because there is always cooking and cleaning to do.

All good things come to he who waits. Tell to that to the man stuck in quick sand.

Never mix business with pleasure, especially if your business is a funeral home.

If at first you don't succeed, stop what you are doing and find a professional

Never judge a book by it's cover unless the cover has a picture of Pauly Shore on it.

You can't get blood out of a stone, except for Oliver or Emma Stone, they are filled with blood.

What goes up must come down. Viagra's new slogan.

It is better to give than to receive. Especially with STD's.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Pros & Cons: Cinnamon

Pros and Cons of Cinnamon

  •  Tastes great
  • Fantastic fairy dust substitution
  •  Keeps away tigers
  •  Great name for a girl
  •  Wash into hair to get rid of lice
  •  Very faithful to sugar
  •  Can get you into the best clubs
  • Keeps your feet dry and smelling fresh

  • Not a good food to snort
  •  Attracts zombies
  •  In stick form gets mistaken for candy
  •  Tastes terrible with whiskey
  •  Has a long standing grudge against oregano
  •  Causes a rash in the armpits
  •  Was arrested once for imitating brown sugar
  •  Likes Justin Bieber

Monday, August 8, 2011

Inside the Actor's Studio

I am filling in for the regular host James Lipton, he is out with a really bad case of diarrhea. I was given some disturbing details about it but I won't share that with you. We have a special guest with us today. Don't we always have a special guest? Why would I have a regular person on here that no one knows? I'm getting sidetracked. Please welcome to the stage, the one and only, Betty White.

PTM: Thanks you for joining us today Betty. I know that you are very busy these days.

Betty: Oh yes, very busy these days. You know, PTM, on top of my busy acting career I've taken up nude modeling. There will be an exclusive centerfold debuting in Playboy next month!

PTM: I need to get this off my chest. I have always had a crush on you. You are my favorite Golden Girl. Even at 89 years old I would still bend you over a table. Are you still sexually active?

Betty: Well, of course I am. That's a silly question. And I must say, you are pretty dashing yourself there young fella'.

PTM: So is there a chance that we can get together after the show and have a few drinks?

Betty: Well, PTM, let me take you off stage now and show you the real golden side of Betty White.  

Betty takes PTM's hand and takes him offstage for about 5 minutes. They come back onstage, PTM with a giant grin on his face.

PTM: Thank you Betty for showing me that. Now, there was a rumor after Rue McClanahan's passing that you and her had a short love affair back in 1988. Is there any truth to this?

Betty:  No! I would have never had a love affair with just Rue alone..the other  golden girls were involved also. You would have never guessed the moves Bea Arthur had up her sleeve....ahh...memories.
PTM: You are almost 90 years old and you look fabulous. How do you do it? What is your secret?
Betty: I surround myself with ugly younger women. They really bring out my eyes. 
PTM: I loved your performance in Lake Placid. You were so sassy. Is there a movie role you have always wanted to play or one that you think you should have been cast for?

Betty:  I think I would be pretty good as the Terminator, no?
PTM: Besides death, what is your biggest fear?

Betty:  There is nothing to fear but fear itself!!
PTM: Do you have to wear diapers or are you able to still use the toilet?

Betty:  Yes..I do have to wear them, you will see my new line of pull-ups debut in my upcoming Playboy centerfold. 
PTM: Who is your celebrity crush?

Betty:  Charlie Sheen..there is something just so forbidden about him. Hey Charlie, if you are watching this interview, come to Betty and I'll show you what WINNING is really about. 
PTM: One last question Betty then you can go take your nap. Since they have all passed and they won't find out, do you have any juicy secrets or dirt on the rest of the Golden Girls cast?

Betty:  I think I'll just leave you with the image of Bea, Estelle, Rue and I getting it on....on set....taped....the lost episode.

PTM: Thank you Betty for stopping by our studio and answering some questions for us. 

I would like to thank Golden Girl for playing the part of Betty White. She did an excellent job for her first guest post. Go check out her blog if you haven't done so yet. It is called '.... and the pickles'. She is a new blogger and also my fiance.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Forewords & Afterwords

 Each word in the two quotes below has been replaced with a word that comes right before it in the dictionary. What are the two related quotes?

1) "Hysterics plectrum allege tizzy thaw flaccid..."

2) "Nymphomania, saxophone, camshaft Yorkie sedulous..."

Answers (Just right click with your mouse to highlight)

1) "I pledge allegiance to the flag..."

2) "O, say, can you see..."

Each word in the two quotes below has been replaces with a word that comes right after it in the dictionary. What are the two related quotes?

1) "Young haven theater righteous toad remainder silhouette..."

2) "Theater truthful, theater wholehearted truthful, andante nothingness butane theater truthful."

Answers (Just right click with your mouse to highlight)

1) "You have the right to remain silent..."

2) "The truth, the whole truth, and nothing 
but the truth."

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Conclusion of Alan & Jack Sparrow

A month ago I did a post on what would happen if Alan from The Hangover crossed paths with Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean. I ended it with 'to be continued'. If you didn't read that post you should probably do so before reading this one. Go HERE before you continue on.

So the story left off with Alan being throw overboard. Let's see what happens next.

Alan: Wow that looks like real water and those look like real sharks
Jack: You do realize we are out in the middle of the ocean?
Alan: You mean we aren't in some sort of pirate play?
Jack: Are you really this dumb?
Alan: Ok, I surrender, just don't throw me overboard. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't have my floaties.
Jack: Put him down and untie him.
Alan: Do you have any lotion? Your crew gave me some rope burns.
Jack: What kind of man are you? 
Alan: I'm very sensitive. My dad says that I was breast fed for too long.
Jack: I still don't understand how you got aboard The Black Pearl.
Alan: Did Phil and Stu put you up to this? Classic Phil.
Jack: I don't know who this Phil and Stu you keep talking about are.
Alan: So you're going to play it that way are you? They are probably on here somewhere. I'll find them. 
Jack: You will do no such thing. You will tell me what the hell is going on or I will re-consider throwing you overboard!!
Alan: So you don't know where Phil is?
Jack: If you mention the name Phil one more time I will cut off your balls with my sword.
Alan: You have a sword? Cool, can I play with it?
Jack: Did you hear what I said? I am going to castrate you.
Alan: Hey man, where is your parrot? Aren't pirates suppose to have parrots?
Jack: Shut up!! Shut up!! Shut up!! You have to be the most annoying idiot that I have ever met. I can't take another second of you. Jack jumps overboard
Alan turns around to face the rest of the crew
Alan: Have any of you seen Phil?
The rest of the crew jump overboard
Alan: (To himself) I must be out of range. I'm not getting a signal on my pager.
The End

Monday, August 1, 2011

Exciting News!!!!!

We have a new blogger amongst us. Her blog is as new as a newborn baby (and smells like one too). Nicole (aka Golden Girl, my fiance) gave birth to her blog this weekend. It is called '.... and the pickles' and her blogger name is Golden Girl. She has guest posted once or twice here awhile back but now she can write whatever she wants without any guff from me. I'm not sure what she is going to write about yet but I'm sure it will be fantastic (I'm legally obligated to say that). Head on over to '.... and the pickles' and follow her and show her some blog love. If you don't I will steal all of your lawn gnomes and replace them with plastic flamingos.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Where's the Bacon?

Have you noticed that everything has bacon in it now? Here is a list of foods that you might see bacon in soon. Keep a look out next time you are at the grocery store.

Cereal – Instead of Cap’n Crunch Berries there will be tiny bacon balls.

Yogurt – Dannon will be unveiling a new line called ‘bacon on the bottom’.

Toothpaste – Nothing like the fresh breath of bacon without having to eat it.

Butter – Why not a spreadable bacon?

Bagels – Bacon, egg and cheese will be easier to make without the hassle of cooking the bacon.

Soda – I heard a rumor that Pepsi is tinkering with the idea.

Chicken – Scientists are crossbreeding pigs and chickens to create chigs (or pickens, they haven’t decided on the name yet) KFC’s stock will jump tremendously.

Ketchup – I’m going to patent this one. Sound delicious.

Maple Syrup – If we can flavor it with fruit why not bacon? Coming soon to your local IHOP.

Peanut Butter – Why hasn’t anyone thought of it before? I want some now!!

Coffee – I add salt instead of sugar anyway.

Cookies – Chocolate chip and bacon Chips Ahoy coming soon.

Cough Drops – Ever just suck on a piece of bacon for an hour? Mmmm

Pickled Bacon – If they can pickle pig’s feet, why not bacon?

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Battle of Sesame Street: Final Round

Ernie was Cookie Monster's bitch in that last round. He smacked Ernie around like he was a red-headed stepchild. I thought it would be a closer match but Ernie didn't bring anything to the ring. Now that the semi0finals are out of the way, it is time for the big kahuna. The final round of the Sesame Street battle in on. I'm predicting this one is going to be a slobber knocker. So sit back, relax and grab a brew.

The Count
Cookie Monster

Favorite Movie: You probably think it's Dracula but it's actually Bambi
Favorite Actor/Actress: Gary Busey
Favorite Food: Pussy
Biggest Fear: Impotence
Favorite Quote: I did not have sexual relations with that woman
Celebrity Crush: Michelle Obama
Mcdonald's, Wendy's or Burger King: Taco Bell

Some  Tough Questions:
What did you want to be when you were a kid? Phlebotomist
One thing you would change about yourself? Smaller testicles
Would you have sex with Hilary Clinton for $100,000? I'd rather sleep with Bill
How do you feel about turkey bacon? Why isn't there chicken bacon?
What would be your death bed confession? My fangs aren't real

Favorite Movie: Cool Runnings
Favorite Actor/Actress: Cher
Favorite Food: Chocolate Pizza
Biggest Fear: Being allergic to cookie dough
Favorite Quote: It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again
Celebrity Crush: Willy Wonka
Mcdonald's, Wendy's or Burger King: I'm unsure of the question so I will say the Burger King beats up Wendy and Ronald Mcdonald

Some  Tough Questions:
What did you want to be when you were a kid? Lion Tamer
One thing you would change about yourself? Less fur in my ass
Would you have sex with Hilary Clinton for $100,000? I'd do it for $500
How do you feel about turkey bacon? Goes great with pudding
What would be your death bed confession? I did some gay porn when I was addicted to coke

Now comes the tough decision on who to vote for. I would tell you who I would vote for but it is against the by-laws and would result in castration. Polls will close on Friday at 11:59 PM, get in your vote by then. Next week I will announce the winner.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Wedding Scavenger Hunt

I’m sure you are all aware of the normal scavenger hunt when you have to find things. Do you know about the scavenger hunt that requires you to do things instead of finding them? Here is a scavenger hunt you can play at the next wedding reception you are attending. Each action/thing to do has a different set of points.

Wedding Scavenger Hunt

Points              Action/Thing To Do

50        =          Motorboat the bride
48        =          Moon the groom’s mother
43        =          Give a toast with the phrase “Dirty Sanchez” in it
41        =          Cup and hold the groom’s balls for 10 seconds
38        =          Eat your dinner with only using your mouth, no hands
35        =          Slowly lick your lips while looking at the bride’s grandmother
32        =          Start playing hacky sack with a dinner roll on the dance floor
29        =          Find a large woman and ask her if you can feel the baby kick
27        =          Kiss one of the bridesmaids on the lips
25        =          Randomly talk to a stranger about your rash ‘down there’
22        =          Smell some guy’s hair and ask him what shampoo he uses
20        =          Tag the DJ and say ‘you’re it’ and run away giggling
17        =          Sit in the middle of the dance floor and throw a temper tantrum
15        =          Tell one of the female servers that you loved her in Titanic
12        =          Ask the person next to you to pull your finger
10        =          Bring back a roll of toilet paper and set it at your table
8          =          Take all the spoons from your table and put them in your pocket or purse
5          =          Ask the bartender to make you a ‘Dick Cheney’
3          =          Clap really obnoxiously after a slow song
1          =          Pick your nose and wipe it on the table

Try these at the next wedding you are at, even if it's your own.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

'Are you smarter than The Situation?'

Welcome to ‘Are you smarter than The Situation?’ The game show that determines if you are smarter than The Situation from the Jersey Shore. Our contestant today is Sandy the Squirrel from the cartoon Spongebob Squarepants.

PTM: The game is simple; I will ask both of you the same questions and you will write down your answers. You will read off your answers when you are prompted to. The questions range from all different categories. Correct answers will get you 10 pts and incorrect answers will result in a loss of 5 points. Let’s get started.

PTM: The first question is: How many stars are on the American Flag?
The Situation: That's an easy one. There is one star for each state we have so there are 53 stars.
Sandy: There’s only one star I care about and that’s the one on the Texas flag. I mean, Texas is its own country after all.

PTM: Who discovered electricity?
The Situation: I know it's Ben something ...... I got it, Ben Stein.
Sandy: Well me of course. Everyone says it’s that Ben Franklin fella…but he totally stole the idea from me.

PTM: What was Sylvester Stallone’s character name in Rocky?
 The Situation: This is a trick question. Sly wasn't in the Rocky & Bullwinkle movie.
Sandy: Aw shucks. It’s Rocky a-course.

PTM: What is a baby kangaroo called?
The Situation: Doesn't that depend on what the mother kangaroo names it?
Sandy: A joey, duh. Y’all shoulda known that one. Did you know the female kangaroo is called a flyer? And a papa is called a boomer? Ain’t I so smart?

PTM: What do the letters stand for in Alf’s name?
The Situation: Umm, errr.... Abs, Lollipops and Fur?
Sandy: Alien Life Form, but everyone knows there ain’t no such thing as aliens. I think it really stands for Aluminum Flouride which has the same initials. 

PTM: Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of what?
The Situation: Fear of triscuits.
Sandy: A fear of ducks. *shudder* I suffer from that.

PTM: What kind of animal is Ronald Mcdonald’s friend Grimace?
The Situation: He looks like what I shit out after a night of drinking and tacos
Sandy: That ain’t no animal I never seen. That there be a big purple grape.

PTM: What is Superman’s weakness?
The Situation: Boobs.
Sandy: Kryptonite of course. But I think his real weakness is me. Hai-yah!! 

PTM: What is the middle name of Stewie on Family Guy?
The Situation: Is he the dog? I'm going to guess Alabastor
Sandy: I don’t bother myself with such trivial things. I ain’t never seen the show. But I have it on good authority that it be Gilligan.

PTM: Who plays Kirk Cameron’s parents on Growing Pains? 10 pts for real names and 10 pts for character names.
The Situation: Katey Segal and Ed O'Neill played Al and Peg Bundy.
Sandy: Everyone knows it’s a pain to grow up. I ain’t never subjected myself to watching that. I already know what it’s like.

PTM: I was keeping score until I realized The Situation is a complete dumbass. Wait, what's that? I can't call the contestants names even if they are a moron? My producer says I need to apologize to The Situation. Sorry for calling you a dumbass.
The Situation: That's okay, I hear it from my mom and dad all the time.
PTM: I can't imagine why. The winner of today's show is Sandy the Squirrel. You win an all expenses paid trip to Saudi Arabia. Bring your sun screen. That's it for today. Tune in next time when Mr. T clashes wits with The Situation.

I want to thank Baby Sister over at La Esquina de la Estrellita for playing the part of Sandy the Squirrel. Go give her some blog love and tell her I sent you over.