Thursday, April 30, 2020

Not well known presidential quotes

"Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people named Tevin or Fannie." - George Washington

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and the Boogeyman." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph unless the conflict is with your wife." - George Washington

"It's easier to do a job right, if you hire one more Mexican." - Martin Van Buren

"It is not strange... to mistake Nathan Fillion for Jeremy Renner." - Millard Fillmore

"You don't know what you don't know because you don't know, you know." - Franklin Pierce

"Most folks are as happy as their tarot card readers tells them they are." Abraham Lincoln

"In the end, it is not the years in your life that count. It is how many Instagram followers you have." - Abraham Lincoln

"It is hard to fail, but it is worse if you were the brains behind New Coke." -Theodore Roosevelt

"Do what you can, with what you have and what you can steal." - Theodore Roosevelt

"Be patient and calm, no one can catch a fish while holding a crying baby." - Herbert Hoover

"What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the gun on the dog owner." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Monday, April 27, 2020

Pros & Cons: Corona Virus


More time with the family

Finish writing that book you have been working on

Check things off the Honey-Do List

So much sex

Something to complain to the grandchildren about in 20 years

No traffic to deal with

Finally time to start your Youtube channel

Binging on Netflix and Disney+

You figure out time travel

You catch up on playing Oregon Trail


You can die

More time with the family

Can't go anywhere, become stir crazy

You have 47 bags full of bottle returns

Divorce is even more imminent

Cookies and ice cream are now for breakfast

There is no more toilet paper

People are naming their kids Corona and Covid

Strip clubs are closed

Your septic is backing up

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

Interview with Corona Virus

Due to advances in technology, artificial intelligence and medical science we were able to insert the Corona Virus into a robot in order to conduct an interview.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man): Thank you Corona Virus for sitting down with us today. I am going to call you CV for short.

CV (Corona Virus): Glad to be here. I am going to call you PTM for short.

PTM: Sounds good. I am just going to get to the meat and potatoes of this thing. What the fuck are you doing?

CV: Umm, what do you mean? You have to be more specific.

PTM: What do I mean? You have killed thousands of people and infected thousands more. Why?

CV: You might find this funny. I was trying to get revenge on a guy named Gus that bullied me in middle school. 

PTM: So why didn't you just infect him?

CV: Well, I couldn't remember his last name and I haven't seen him in years so I don't know what he looks like. 

PTM: That is like trying to kill an ant with a bazooka.

CV: I know, I know. But he was a real jerk. He stole all my POGS and Slammers. Do you remember POGS?

PTM: Yes, I played with them when I was in 4th grade. They were a short lived fad. I am sure the people watching at home are going to Google POGS because they have no idea what they are.

CV: I bought some on Ebay last year if you want to play after the show.

PTM: Maybe if I have enough time before my bikini wax. Stop trying to sweet talk me. You are still a deadly virus that is causing a pandemic. Do you even know if Gus was infected?

CV: No, no I don't. I figured it would eventually get to him. 

PTM: That is what you are banking on?!? 

CV: I know it isn't the best plan. At least it is better than the plans Plankton has on SpongeBob Squarepants. I love that show.

PTM: I am finding it hard to hate you. That is one of my favorite shows. I reference it all the time.

CV: What do you think a Krabby Patty is made of? It can't be beef can it? Where would they get it from?

PTM: I don't know but my grandma has a theory that it has real and imitation crab in it.

CV: That would make Mr. Krabs so evil. Although, I have never seen him eat a Krabby Patty. 

PTM: That is a good point. I just thought my grandma was going a little crazy.

CV: We all go a little crazy sometimes.

PTM: So can you stop spreading the virus already?

CV: Not until I know Gus is dead.

PTM: What if I just track down Gus and kill him myself?

CV: I guess that would work.

PTM: I will assemble my team and get to work on finding Gus.

CV: Or was his name Kevin?

PTM: I fucking hate you. Forget about playing POGS. Just go, interview over.

CV: I will friend you on Facebook.


Thursday, April 16, 2020

Did you know?

In English counting the letters A, B, C and D do not appear if you spell out the numbers between 1 and 99.

D does not show up until hundred is used.

A does not appear until thousand.

B doesn't show up until billion comes around.

Guess when you see the letter C in the spelling of English counting? Never!!

I bet you started counting to double check? Didn't you?

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Cereal mascot rehab

Every cereal mascot has had to go to rehab for something at least once. Here are their addictions.

Froot Loops, Toucan Sam - Snorting Cocaine (obviously)

Frosted Flakes, Tony the Tiger -  Tickling strangers

Cap'n Crunch, Cap'n Crunch - Playing Candy Crush

Lucky Charms, Lucky the Leprechaun - Chronic Masturbation

Honey Smacks, Dig'em Frog - Picking his nose

Cocoa Puffs, Sonny the Cuckoo Bird - Drinking Decaf Coffee

Honey Nut Cheerios, Buzz Bee - Playing Fortnite

Trix, Trix Rabbit -  Eating Twinkies

Count Chocula, Count Chocula - Instagram

Rice Krispies, Snap, Crackle & Pop - Watching the movie Legally Blonde

Life, Mikey - Pornhub, specifically Bukkake

Super Golden Crisp, Sugar Bear - Licking envelopes

Frosted Mini-Wheats, Mini - Sharpening pencils

Raisin Bran, Sunny - Playing Candy Land

Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Crazy Squares - Shoplifting

Friday, April 10, 2020

Product slogans that didn't make it

Folgers: "The best part of waking up is a set of boobs in your face."

Mastercard: "There some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's grand theft auto. "

M&M: "Melts in your mouth, not in your pants."

De Beers: "An STD is forever."

Dunkin' Donuts: "America runs on drugs and reality TV."

State Farm: "Like a good neighbor, we won't fuck your spouse when you're not home."

Maybelline: "Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she stole it on her lunch break."

The U.S. Marine Corps: "The Few. The Proud. Not the Navy.

Lay's: "Betcha can't eat a whole bag and not regret it."

Meow Mix: "Tastes so good. Cats will annoy the shit out of you for some more."

Verizon: "Can you hear me now? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!?!

Gillette: "The best a man can get for a Father's Day gift."

Skittles: "Taste the Diabetes."

Red Bull: "Red Bull gives you heart palpitations."

Kay Jewelers: "Every kiss begins with an awkward moment."

Monday, April 6, 2020

Famous sayings: 1st draft

Failed versions of famous sayings.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him brush his teeth.

Laughter is the best medicine for Herpes.

An apple a day keeps fruit flies in the house.

Blood is thicker than water but not ice.

Don't cry over spilled milk, instead grab a straw.

The early bird catches the flu.

People that live in glass houses should put up some blinds.

The way to a man's heart is through his Playstation.

At first you don't succeed, give up cuz you suck.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and he will smell like fish for life.

Beggars can't be choosers unless you have a gluten allergy.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you know what you are going to get, it is right there on the underside of the lid.

The grass is always greener on the other side because your neighbor can afford a landscaper.

Give me liberty or give me death. Wait, no, I changed my mind. Give me liberty.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, sexually.