Thursday, October 8, 2020

7 Dwarfs - Behind the Scenes

Have you ever wondered where the 7 Dwarfs got their names? Now you know!!

Happy - Every time he comes out of the shower he has a giant smile on his face.

Dopey - Before being told how to do it, he used to wipe before he pooped.

Grumpy - Has an incredibly small penis and suffers from erectile dysfunction

Sleepy - Diagnosed with Narcolepsy at birth

Bashful - Needs to be drunk in order to talk to women

Sneezy - Is allergic to cocaine. And has a small cocaine problem.

Doc - Is obsessed with the show House. Has a Hugh Laurie tattoo on his thigh.

Tuesday, June 9, 2020

Write Something

Anyone else feel drained of creative juices? I have 55 drafts/ideas but my brain doesn't want to cooperate. Plus these damn kids are wearing me out. When I finally sit down to write I am exhausted, mentally and physically. Coffee isn't doing the job it used to do. 

I am not complaining. I just wanted to write something instead of staring at the computer screen. I haven't ranted in awhile. Seemed like a good time. Ummm... I don't have anything else to rant about. Well that was a big waste of time. 

I know why men have nipples but I am not telling you. 

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Failed inventions

Edible soap

Reusable toilet paper

Reversible diapers

Chicken flavored turkey

Non-alcoholic Whiskey

Coffee flavored milk

Glow in the dark bra

Magnetic coins

The O.J. Simpson Trial Video Game

Rape Whistle App

Communist Monopoly

Bacon scented deodorant

Pet Fish flea collar

Fireproof coffin

Cat nail polish

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

Discontinued Road Signs

Slow, Adults Drinking

Fallen Crack Pipe Zone

Stop, Hammer Time

Do Not Enter, unless your're an asshole

Polar Bear Crossing

Caution: Slippery when moist

Active Volcano Area

Road Work Ahead. Prepare to be annoyed

Yield to Podiatrists

Stop sign sign ahead

Left turns only between the hours of 1pm & 3pm on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday

Speed Limit 69

Monday, May 4, 2020

Flopped car model names

Car models we know and the names that were thrown out.

Kept: Patriot

Thrown out:  United States of America, Geep, Thing-a-majig, Stars & Stripes, #8

Kept: Tahoe

Thrown out: Detroit, Harlem, Mississippi, Baghdad, Cancun

Kept: Pilot

Thrown out: Co-pilot, Air Traffic Controller, Stewardess, Jet Blue, Adnoh

Kept: Town & Country

Thrown out: Horse & Buggy, Peaks & Valleys, Chutes & Ladders, Spaghetti & Meatballs, Vanity

Kept: Mustang

Thrown out: Clydesdale, Miniature Horse, Appaloosa, Shetland Pony, Mr. Ed

Kept: Ram

Thrown out: Ewe, Billy Goat, Llama, Emu, Lamb Chop

Kept: Pathfinder

Thrown out: Walkway, 5th Avenue, Yellow Brick Road, Oregon Trail, Rocky Road

Thursday, April 30, 2020

Not well known presidential quotes

"Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people named Tevin or Fannie." - George Washington

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and the Boogeyman." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph unless the conflict is with your wife." - George Washington

"It's easier to do a job right, if you hire one more Mexican." - Martin Van Buren

"It is not strange... to mistake Nathan Fillion for Jeremy Renner." - Millard Fillmore

"You don't know what you don't know because you don't know, you know." - Franklin Pierce

"Most folks are as happy as their tarot card readers tells them they are." Abraham Lincoln

"In the end, it is not the years in your life that count. It is how many Instagram followers you have." - Abraham Lincoln

"It is hard to fail, but it is worse if you were the brains behind New Coke." -Theodore Roosevelt

"Do what you can, with what you have and what you can steal." - Theodore Roosevelt

"Be patient and calm, no one can catch a fish while holding a crying baby." - Herbert Hoover

"What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the gun on the dog owner." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Monday, April 27, 2020

Pros & Cons: Corona Virus


More time with the family

Finish writing that book you have been working on

Check things off the Honey-Do List

So much sex

Something to complain to the grandchildren about in 20 years

No traffic to deal with

Finally time to start your Youtube channel

Binging on Netflix and Disney+

You figure out time travel

You catch up on playing Oregon Trail


You can die

More time with the family

Can't go anywhere, become stir crazy

You have 47 bags full of bottle returns

Divorce is even more imminent

Cookies and ice cream are now for breakfast

There is no more toilet paper

People are naming their kids Corona and Covid

Strip clubs are closed

Your septic is backing up

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

Interview with Corona Virus

Due to advances in technology, artificial intelligence and medical science we were able to insert the Corona Virus into a robot in order to conduct an interview.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man): Thank you Corona Virus for sitting down with us today. I am going to call you CV for short.

CV (Corona Virus): Glad to be here. I am going to call you PTM for short.

PTM: Sounds good. I am just going to get to the meat and potatoes of this thing. What the fuck are you doing?

CV: Umm, what do you mean? You have to be more specific.

PTM: What do I mean? You have killed thousands of people and infected thousands more. Why?

CV: You might find this funny. I was trying to get revenge on a guy named Gus that bullied me in middle school. 

PTM: So why didn't you just infect him?

CV: Well, I couldn't remember his last name and I haven't seen him in years so I don't know what he looks like. 

PTM: That is like trying to kill an ant with a bazooka.

CV: I know, I know. But he was a real jerk. He stole all my POGS and Slammers. Do you remember POGS?

PTM: Yes, I played with them when I was in 4th grade. They were a short lived fad. I am sure the people watching at home are going to Google POGS because they have no idea what they are.

CV: I bought some on Ebay last year if you want to play after the show.

PTM: Maybe if I have enough time before my bikini wax. Stop trying to sweet talk me. You are still a deadly virus that is causing a pandemic. Do you even know if Gus was infected?

CV: No, no I don't. I figured it would eventually get to him. 

PTM: That is what you are banking on?!? 

CV: I know it isn't the best plan. At least it is better than the plans Plankton has on SpongeBob Squarepants. I love that show.

PTM: I am finding it hard to hate you. That is one of my favorite shows. I reference it all the time.

CV: What do you think a Krabby Patty is made of? It can't be beef can it? Where would they get it from?

PTM: I don't know but my grandma has a theory that it has real and imitation crab in it.

CV: That would make Mr. Krabs so evil. Although, I have never seen him eat a Krabby Patty. 

PTM: That is a good point. I just thought my grandma was going a little crazy.

CV: We all go a little crazy sometimes.

PTM: So can you stop spreading the virus already?

CV: Not until I know Gus is dead.

PTM: What if I just track down Gus and kill him myself?

CV: I guess that would work.

PTM: I will assemble my team and get to work on finding Gus.

CV: Or was his name Kevin?

PTM: I fucking hate you. Forget about playing POGS. Just go, interview over.

CV: I will friend you on Facebook.


Thursday, April 16, 2020

Did you know?

In English counting the letters A, B, C and D do not appear if you spell out the numbers between 1 and 99.

D does not show up until hundred is used.

A does not appear until thousand.

B doesn't show up until billion comes around.

Guess when you see the letter C in the spelling of English counting? Never!!

I bet you started counting to double check? Didn't you?

Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Cereal mascot rehab

Every cereal mascot has had to go to rehab for something at least once. Here are their addictions.

Froot Loops, Toucan Sam - Snorting Cocaine (obviously)

Frosted Flakes, Tony the Tiger -  Tickling strangers

Cap'n Crunch, Cap'n Crunch - Playing Candy Crush

Lucky Charms, Lucky the Leprechaun - Chronic Masturbation

Honey Smacks, Dig'em Frog - Picking his nose

Cocoa Puffs, Sonny the Cuckoo Bird - Drinking Decaf Coffee

Honey Nut Cheerios, Buzz Bee - Playing Fortnite

Trix, Trix Rabbit -  Eating Twinkies

Count Chocula, Count Chocula - Instagram

Rice Krispies, Snap, Crackle & Pop - Watching the movie Legally Blonde

Life, Mikey - Pornhub, specifically Bukkake

Super Golden Crisp, Sugar Bear - Licking envelopes

Frosted Mini-Wheats, Mini - Sharpening pencils

Raisin Bran, Sunny - Playing Candy Land

Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Crazy Squares - Shoplifting

Friday, April 10, 2020

Product slogans that didn't make it

Folgers: "The best part of waking up is a set of boobs in your face."

Mastercard: "There some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's grand theft auto. "

M&M: "Melts in your mouth, not in your pants."

De Beers: "An STD is forever."

Dunkin' Donuts: "America runs on drugs and reality TV."

State Farm: "Like a good neighbor, we won't fuck your spouse when you're not home."

Maybelline: "Maybe she's born with it. Maybe she stole it on her lunch break."

The U.S. Marine Corps: "The Few. The Proud. Not the Navy.

Lay's: "Betcha can't eat a whole bag and not regret it."

Meow Mix: "Tastes so good. Cats will annoy the shit out of you for some more."

Verizon: "Can you hear me now? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!?!

Gillette: "The best a man can get for a Father's Day gift."

Skittles: "Taste the Diabetes."

Red Bull: "Red Bull gives you heart palpitations."

Kay Jewelers: "Every kiss begins with an awkward moment."

Monday, April 6, 2020

Famous sayings: 1st draft

Failed versions of famous sayings.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him brush his teeth.

Laughter is the best medicine for Herpes.

An apple a day keeps fruit flies in the house.

Blood is thicker than water but not ice.

Don't cry over spilled milk, instead grab a straw.

The early bird catches the flu.

People that live in glass houses should put up some blinds.

The way to a man's heart is through his Playstation.

At first you don't succeed, give up cuz you suck.

Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day, teach a man to fish and he will smell like fish for life.

Beggars can't be choosers unless you have a gluten allergy.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you know what you are going to get, it is right there on the underside of the lid.

The grass is always greener on the other side because your neighbor can afford a landscaper.

Give me liberty or give me death. Wait, no, I changed my mind. Give me liberty.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, sexually.

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Did you know?

That the Brazilian wandering spider's bite can cause painful 4-hour erections.

Is this how Viagra was invented?

Monday, February 24, 2020

Would You Rather?

Chew a piece of gum you found under a random table or suck on the big toe of a stranger?

Wipe your butt with a pine cone or blow your nose with sandpaper?

Know how you are going to die or your spouse/significant other but you can't let them?

Eat 10 banana peels or 10 orange peels?

Monday, February 10, 2020

Did you know?

During the Civil war more people died of illness and disease than they did during battle. Dysentery and diarrhea ran rampant through the soldiers. It was so bad that there was an honor code amongst soldiers that you did not shoot a man if he was pooping.

That would be a pretty shitty way to die.

Monday, January 13, 2020

Did You Know?

40 million years ago Penguins were 6 feet tall and weighed over 250 pounds.

Must have been similar to the penguin in Super Mario 64 that you had to race down the ice slide.

Russia is about the same size as Pluto in square kilometers.

I live in the USA. I need that converted to square miles.

On average, a person sheds about 100 pounds of skin in their lifetime.

Then why am I not losing any weight?

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

New Year's Resolutions

Elmo - Stop talking in the 3rd person

Cap'n Crunch - Stop sending death threats to the Trix Rabbit

The Hulk - Practice meditation

Big Foot - Start a Youtube channel

Michael J. Fox - Get most of the pee in the toilet

Stevie Wonder - Learn how to drive

Molly Ringwald - Quit my job at Foot Locker

The Big Bad Wolf - Stick to my plant based diet

John Madden - I forgot

Betty White - Learn how to ride a unicycle

Santa Claus - Convince the wife to do anal

Ronald Mcdonald - Catch that damn Hamburglar

Vanilla Ice - Start a band

Waldo - Come out of hiding

Elmer Fudd - Hire a hitman to murder Bugs Bunny

Justin Bieber - Go back to my home planet

Barack Obama -Stop wearing black face

John Travolta - Admit that i'm g.... gonna star in a musical

O.J. Simpson - Buy a new Ford Bronco

Tyler Perry - Make a movie worth watching

Monday, January 6, 2020

Did You Know?

Some interesting facts with a little added snark.

If your nearest Waffle House is closed, you should probably run. Because the=hour chain only shuts down during absolute devastation, FEMA unofficially determines the severity of natural disasters by whether local Waffle Houses remain open or not. They call this "The Waffle House Index."

So if you work at IHOP, you must be a pussy.

You can fit 63 Earths inside Uranus.

You are going to need a lot of space lube.

An Earth year is 365.2214 days. We have leap years every four years to account for this extra day.

I always though a leap year designed by the school system to give us more homework.

Thursday, January 2, 2020

Celebrity survey questions

I mailed out a questionnaire to a boat load of celebrities. Surprisingly a lot of them responded. I picked the survey responses at random. Here are some of them.

Question: What is your favorite food?

Tom Hanks wrote: Fried shrimp, boiled shrimp, shrimp scampi, shrimp gumbo, shrimp kabobs, coconut shrimp, bbq shrimp, spaghetti with shrimp, raw shrimp, scrambled eggs & shrimp...

Janet Jackson wrote: Hershey nipples, I mean kisses.

Chris Christie wrote: Children

Question: What is your worst childhood memory?

Caitlin Jenner wrote: Having a penis.

Meatloaf wrote: My mom doing anything for love.

Macaulay Culkin wrote: Being left home alone during Christmas. That's right, it was based on real events.

Question:  Name a superpower you would want to have.

Nicholas Cage wrote: The ability to not accept shitty movie roles.

Pamela Anderson wrote: Be able to inflate or deflate my breasts whenever I wanted to.

Betty White wrote: To undo my immortality.

Question: If you could only ever watch one movie, what would it be and why?

Vanilla Ice wrote: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. You know why.

Neil Patrick Harris wrote: Mean Girls. I know I'm gay but I still have a thing for Lindsay Lohan.

Bill Clinton wrote: Shallow Hal. Something about Gwyneth Paltrow with some mean on her bones just rubs me the right way.