Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Not-so-well-known driving laws

You only need to stop for a full 3 seconds at a stop sign if there is a cop nearby.

Cutting someone off or tailgating is permitted if you are late for work or if you have to take a shit.

There is a limit on how many times you can flip people the bird within a week. That number is 3.

If you are over the age of 65 you are allowed to drive whatever speed limit you want.

Using your turn signal is optional if you are an asshole.

If you don't understand the personalized plates on the car in front of you, it is legal to ram them.

Speeding during a rain or snow storm is encouraged.

 It is illegal to park in front of a fire hydrant except on the 3rd Tuesday of the month, if it is raining and you are left handed.

Having a bumper sticker that read 'Proud parent of an honor roll student' will result in suspension of driver's license and 10 days in jail.

Between the hours of 2 am and 5 am red lights are optional.

Deer, cows and penguins have the right of way on all highways.

The only safe way to transport a mattress is tying it to the roof of your car with flimsy rope.

Speeding is legal if you just watched any of the Fast & Furious movies.

Having a blow-up doll or mannequin in your passenger seat does qualify you to use the carpool lane.

Monday, October 28, 2019

'Goofy' Thoughts

Thoughts of the person inside the Goofy character at Disney World. Male and female perspectives.

You would think this thing would have a fan or decent ventilation, cheap fucks

No one can see my boner, no one can see my boner

I wonder what my under boob smells like?

I bet I could take that kid's ice cream

We got some hot moms here today, thank you Jesus

There is an epidemic of dudes in sock and sandals

I would fuck Ariel, marry Cinderella and kill Snow White

I would fuck Grumpy, marry Bashful and kill Happy

I can make it to the toilet, do not shit your pants again

Most of these people belong on the People of Walmart site

I wonder if the chick in Minnie Mouse was messing with me when she said Walt Disney's middle name was Muriel.

This job sucks balls

Final decision, I am not having kids

Gloria Estefan was right, the rhythm is going to get you

Oh look it's Mickey Mouse, I know him!!

I miss Obama

47 bottle of beer on the wall, 47 bottles of beer....

Thursday, October 24, 2019

Toothpaste Flavors I wish existed


BBQ Ribs

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup


Sour Patch Kids

Chocolate Mint


Mountain Dew

Peach Mango Salsa

Movie Theater Popcorn

Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket

Blueberry Pie

General Tso's Chicken

Everything Bagel

Anything Taco Bell

Watermelon Chapstick


Fresh Cut Grass

Eggs with Ketchup

French Dressing

Monday, October 21, 2019

Candle scents that didn't sell


After Sex

Burnt Hair



Horse Farm

Pet Store

Canned Tuna

Gas Station

Day Old Socks

Two Week Old Sponge

Shower Drain

Over Ripe Mangoes


Gym Bag

Under Boob


Swamp Ass

Friday, October 18, 2019

Dad Jokes

Did you hear about the cross-eye teacher?

He couldn't control his pupils.

I would tell you a joke about beds but it hasn't been made up yet.

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Dear John Letter: written by a dyslexic five year old

Daer Jhon,

 I Konw yuor nmae ins't Jhon, my mtheor tlod me to use taht nmae. I am srory to hvae to say tihs to you but I tinhk we sohuld see oehtr popele. Nipnapg wtih you has been fun but I need to mvoe on wtih my lfie. You cluod do so mcuh bteter tahn me. Suise is snlige and she is awyals lioknog at you. I hvae seen you cechk out her big, runod bule eeys. I hvae dnrak Ptere's mlik and I lkie the tsate of his wihte stutf bteetr. He ralely ejnyos it wehn I paly wiht his lolcnin log. I am keniepg the marcanoi pcitrue taht you mdae me. I whis you all the bset. Good lcuk nxet yaer in fisrt gadre. You wlil awyals be my frist ksis.

Lvoe, Smatnaha

 To view the unjumbled paragraph right click with your mouse and highlight below.
Dear John,

I know your name isn't John, my mother told me to use that name. I am sorry to have to say this you  but I think we should see other people. Napping with you has been fun but I need to move on with my life. You could do so much better than me . Susie is single and she is always looking at you. I have seen you check out her big, round blue eyes. I have drank Peter's milk and I like the taste of his while stuff better. He really enjoys it when I play with his lincoln log. I am keeping the macaroni picture that you made me. I wish you all the best. Good luck next year in first grade. You will always be my first kiss.

Love, Samantha

Studies show that the brain can read words even if they are jumbled as long as the first and last letter are correct. Was it easy to read the jumbled paragraph?

Monday, October 14, 2019

Failed car names

Ford Turtle

Nissan Widowmaker

Toyota Serendipity

Chevrolet Tea Bag

Kia Whip

Honda Cucaracha

Mazda Artichoke

Buick Light Saber

Lincoln Nebraska

Cadillac Tsunami

Acura Accurate

Lexus 1234

Mitsubishi Paper Weight

Jeep Declaration of Independence

Dodge Truckavan

GMC Big Truck

Chrysler Curds & Whey

Pontiac Toaster

Saturn Rings

Oldsmobile Tetrahedron 

Isuzu B39HK-88P

Mercedes-Benz $$$$

Hyundai Abortion

BMW Infinity Series

Mercury Falafel

Friday, October 11, 2019

Boardroom meeting with the Vowels

All the vowels (A, E, I, O, U) and Y are in a board meeting to discuss whether or not Y should be classified as a vowel.

E: Thank you all for coming in today. We are hear to discuss this 'sometimes Y' bullshit. I am sick and tired of trying to decide if this asshole is a vowel or not. I have had it up to..

A: Whoa, whoa E. Calm down. Can we stay professional here? We are all a little frustrated with the situation. If you can't keep your cool, I'm gonna have to ask you to wait outside. Are we on the same page?

E: It just makes me so mad!!

A: What did I just say?!?!

E: Okay, okay, I can be cool.

Y: Yeah man, be cool like a cucumber.

I: Shut up Y, you're the reason why we are all here.

Y: I'm sensing some unwanted hostility from some of you. Do you need me to clean your Ora?

O: Enough of your hippie bullshit mumbo jumbo.

Y: Don't be mad because I found inner peace. I can show you how to align your shakras.

A: Y, just be quiet for right now before one of these guys stabs you.

U: Damn straight!!

A: We are here to decide if Y should be identified as a vowel or consonant. There will be no more flipping back and forth when it's convenient for you. 

E: Yeah, we don't even need you. You're just extra baggage like the K in knight.

I: Not cool man, you know K is my brother-in-law.

E: Sorry dude, I forgot.

Y: I'm important. Without me how would you spell Gypsy or end most adjectives.

O: I and//or E could easily solve those problems. You are not needed.

U: Hear that? Not needed. So pack your bags! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

A: I'd watch what you're saying U. You're not that popular either. 

U: What does that mean?

A: People aren't very happy when they get you playing Scrabble. That extra point is not worth the frustration. You might need Y as a buddy.

U: I thought we were hear to get rid of Y. How come you're getting on my case?

A: Let's just say I know who has been eating my Reese's Pieces.

U: Fuck.

Y: Can I just say one thing?

A: Nope! All in favor of kicking Y out of the vowels, say aye.

E: Aye.

I: Aye.

Y: Nay.

O: Aye

A: Aye.

P: Nay

U: Aye.

A: P? Where the hell did you come from?

P: I was hiding under the table.

E: That's weird dude. Now get out. This doesn't concern you.

P: Okay, okay. I'm outta here. Wanna hang out later?

A: Go!!

P: Okay, okay. I get it.

O: That was a bit odd. Oh well.

A: And the ayes have it. Sorry Y. No hard feelings. Say hi to Z for me. While snickering

Y: I hate you guys! Crying uncontrollably, runs out of the room.

I: Inner peace, my ass.

Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Nursery Rhymes: Behind the story

We all know and love the nursery rhymes we heard as a child. But do you know the back story or the aftermath of those stories. Well I am here to share those with you.

The stories of Jack & Jill and Humpty Dumpty are connected.

 Jack & Jill were actually twins and Jack got most of the attention. Also, Jill and Humpty were secretly dating. Jack didn't know because Jill knew he would not approve. Jill was fed up with all the attention that Jack got. In High School, he was captain of the football team and all around popular guy. He was also the favorite twin. Their mom would never admit it but he definitely got more of the love. She snapped and convinced Humpty to get rid of her problem. Jack falling down and breaking his crown was no accident. He was murdered by Humpty Dumpty. Humpty was so distraught over what he did that he took his own life by jumping off that wall. 

He left a suicide note and this it what it read:

To whomever finds my body,

I am so sorry. I am a bad egg. I deserve to be cracked on the sidewalk. I have done an unspeakable thing. Jack did not fall down the hill by accident. I pushed him. I just wanted to break his legs or maybe disfigure him. I swear I wasn't trying to kill him. Tell my mom that I love her and I always hate my name.

With deepest regret,
Humpty Dumpty

P.S. Please don't let those horses try and put me back together. They have no hands and will only make a mess. I have watched them play with jigsaw puzzles.

As you can read, Humpty did not snitch on Jill. He took full blame like a man. Jill split town as soon as she heard of Humpty's accident. She never got wind of the suicide note. She just assumed the police would pin it on her somehow. She bounced around from state to state as an exotic dancer working local strip clubs. She called herself 'Tumbles'. No one has seen her in years. Her mom doesn't know if she is alive or dead. 

Monday, October 7, 2019

Movie Title Change

Movie titles with one or more words added for fun.

Finding Captain Nemo

Pulp Free Fiction

Courage Under Fire Hydrant

When Harry Met Sally Struthers

Fight Club Sandwich

Field of Wet Dreams

The Seven Year Crotch Itch

A Few Good Humor Men

Lady and the Trampoline

Gone with the Breaking Wind

Back to the Near Future

The Dark Chocolate Knight

Ferris Bueller's Day Jerk Off

The Hunger Strike Games

Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark

The Passion Fruit of the Christ

The Wizard of Dr. Oz

Toilet Paper Moon

Fist Bumps of Fury

Kung Fu Panda Express

Friday, October 4, 2019

Weird Laws Part Nineteen

Here is the next installment of weird laws of the United States. If you look above there is a link to a page with all the weird laws posts I have done.


It is a misdemeanor to impersonate a member of the clergy. This will result in jail time and/or a fine up to $500. You will have to find another way to get close to young boys.


If you kill a moose, you have to salvage all the meat so people can eat it. Hope they have a sale on freezers. 


You need a permit to feed garbage to a pig. I will just feed the raccoons and tell them they have to share. 


In Little Rock, no person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9pm. Assemble all the clowns with honking noses!!


You can have as many frogs for as many frog-jumping contests that you want. But if they die, you cannot eat them. Officer, no these were not my jumping contest frogs. They were my juggling frogs. Excuse me so I can eat my lunch. 


In Boulder, you are not permitted to roll, throw or move any boulders on any public property. That is the only souvenir I want from Boulder, Colorado!


In Southington, you may not use silly string unless it is in the privacy of your own home. Man the Chuck E. Cheese parties must be so lame. 


In Fenwick Island, you can't tailgate or otherwise picnic around your car between midnight and 6am. Everybody knows the best picnics are at 3am. 

Thursday, October 3, 2019

Alternate Endings to Movies

I love alternate ending to movies, especially when the director goes a totally different way. Here are some of my own alternate endings. They are very popular older movies. Spoilers may be present. 

Titanic - Jack survives because he got on top of a door that was just big enough for him. Rose drowns. 

E.T. : The Extra Terrestrial - After E.T. flies away with his parents, Elliot's mom reveals that ALF has been hiding in her closet.

The Sixth Sense - It turns out that Bruce Wills character is alive. Haley Joel Osment's character has been dropping acid every day. 

Independence Day - Randy Quaid's character falls in love with an alien. He leaves with them and the aliens succeed in destroying the Earth.

Finding Nemo - The whole movie is Marlin's dream. He has been living in the dentist's fish tank . Nemo and Dory both died several years ago. 

Forrest Gump - It ends on Forrest looking in the mirror. He laughs to himself and says "I can't believe everyone is still falling for this stupid act."

Saving Private Ryan - Tom Hanks whispers into Matt Damon's ear "I shit my pants."

Terminator 2: Judgment Day - As he lowers himself into the molten metal, The Terminator says "John Connor, I love you." There is just awkward silence from everyone. The Terminator is gone and John says "what the fuck was that about?"

Jaws - Brody shoots the oxygen tank and blows jaws up. Two seconds later another great white shark comes up behind him and kills him. The end. 

Toy Story - Buzz and Woody fall in love. You see them holding hands walking into Andy's room. They kick out all the toys into the hallway. They close the door behind them. Barry White is heard in the background. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

Would you rather: Moral & Ethical dilemmas

I love the 'would you rather' game. My daughter comes up with some very odd ones like would you rather eat a tree or be a dinosaur? Most of them are like that. Kids are silly. How about some moral and ethical would you rathers?

You will be successful in whatever you do as a career but one of your closest friends will never be successful and will always be a failure. Would you do it?

Your spouse has an incurable but not fatal disease that inconveniences both of your lives all the time. You are given a magic pill that will cure your spouse but they will hate you forever. Do you give them the pill?

You and your best friend work together. Your friend embezzles a lot of money and tells you about it. You promise not to tell anybody. An innocent coworker is charged for the crime. Do you rat your friend out?

You can reverse the effects of global warming with the press of a button but in doing so will kill all the dogs on Earth. Do yo press the button?

A genie will grant you 3 wishes but with every wish a kid that you don't know dies. Do you ask for the wishes?