Monday, January 13, 2020

Did You Know?

40 million years ago Penguins were 6 feet tall and weighed over 250 pounds.

Must have been similar to the penguin in Super Mario 64 that you had to race down the ice slide.

Russia is about the same size as Pluto in square kilometers.

I live in the USA. I need that converted to square miles.

On average, a person sheds about 100 pounds of skin in their lifetime.

Then why am I not losing any weight?

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

New Year's Resolutions

Elmo - Stop talking in the 3rd person

Cap'n Crunch - Stop sending death threats to the Trix Rabbit

The Hulk - Practice meditation

Big Foot - Start a Youtube channel

Michael J. Fox - Get most of the pee in the toilet

Stevie Wonder - Learn how to drive

Molly Ringwald - Quit my job at Foot Locker

The Big Bad Wolf - Stick to my plant based diet

John Madden - I forgot

Betty White - Learn how to ride a unicycle

Santa Claus - Convince the wife to do anal

Ronald Mcdonald - Catch that damn Hamburglar

Vanilla Ice - Start a band

Waldo - Come out of hiding

Elmer Fudd - Hire a hitman to murder Bugs Bunny

Justin Bieber - Go back to my home planet

Barack Obama -Stop wearing black face

John Travolta - Admit that i'm g.... gonna star in a musical

O.J. Simpson - Buy a new Ford Bronco

Tyler Perry - Make a movie worth watching

Monday, January 6, 2020

Did You Know?

Some interesting facts with a little added snark.

If your nearest Waffle House is closed, you should probably run. Because the=hour chain only shuts down during absolute devastation, FEMA unofficially determines the severity of natural disasters by whether local Waffle Houses remain open or not. They call this "The Waffle House Index."

So if you work at IHOP, you must be a pussy.

You can fit 63 Earths inside Uranus.

You are going to need a lot of space lube.

An Earth year is 365.2214 days. We have leap years every four years to account for this extra day.

I always though a leap year designed by the school system to give us more homework.

Thursday, January 2, 2020

Celebrity survey questions

I mailed out a questionnaire to a boat load of celebrities. Surprisingly a lot of them responded. I picked the survey responses at random. Here are some of them.

Question: What is your favorite food?

Tom Hanks wrote: Fried shrimp, boiled shrimp, shrimp scampi, shrimp gumbo, shrimp kabobs, coconut shrimp, bbq shrimp, spaghetti with shrimp, raw shrimp, scrambled eggs & shrimp...

Janet Jackson wrote: Hershey nipples, I mean kisses.

Chris Christie wrote: Children

Question: What is your worst childhood memory?

Caitlin Jenner wrote: Having a penis.

Meatloaf wrote: My mom doing anything for love.

Macaulay Culkin wrote: Being left home alone during Christmas. That's right, it was based on real events.

Question:  Name a superpower you would want to have.

Nicholas Cage wrote: The ability to not accept shitty movie roles.

Pamela Anderson wrote: Be able to inflate or deflate my breasts whenever I wanted to.

Betty White wrote: To undo my immortality.

Question: If you could only ever watch one movie, what would it be and why?

Vanilla Ice wrote: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. You know why.

Neil Patrick Harris wrote: Mean Girls. I know I'm gay but I still have a thing for Lindsay Lohan.

Bill Clinton wrote: Shallow Hal. Something about Gwyneth Paltrow with some mean on her bones just rubs me the right way.