Friday, October 19, 2012

Exciting News!!

I will be unavailable for the next week. I am getting married tomorrow then on to the Honeymoon. Please send cash gifts. We don't need any toasters. After Saturday there will be a Mrs. Powdered Toast Man. Wish us luck!!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

Q: If you could say something to Wile E. Coyote, what would it be?

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Fucking People!!

The title might have fooled you. This post isn't about sex, at least I don't think it is but feel free to turn anything I say into a sexual innuendo. Now onto the topic at hand. I loathe last second customers. I used to get annoyed with them, then into turned into not liking them. that turned into a strong hate and now I loathe them. I work at a financial institution, I am not going to tell you which one or where, that way I can protect my own ass. I have figured out that no matter what time you are open to there is always going to be a few people that come in just a few minutes before you close and 50% of the time one of them says "oh, just made it." I would like to hold a hot iron to these peoples' faces.

You have to be some kind of dick to walk into a place knowing it is closing in 3 minutes. Now I understand some people have emergencies but not all of them do. The worst of it is that I can only have so much money in my drawer and if it goes above a certain number I have to sell it to the vault. Normally it is not a problem, but at closing it is a pain in the ass and it takes us a hell of a lot longer to close up. For example, last night a business dropped off a crap load of money five minutes before we closed. We got out 30 minutes later than we normally do. So freaking annoying!!!

Last minute customers never have a simple deposit, either they are depositing a lot of cash or they need to withdrawal a lot of cash. Why do you need $5000 right now?!?!?! I want to poll customers that take out a lot of money and ask them what they are using it for. The choices for answers would include: house repair, purchasing a car, paying taxes, buying drugs and gambling addiction. 70 year old ladies do not need to take out $8000, something fishy is going on.

I also hate people that after pulling on the locked door and reading the 'we are closed sign' still ask us if we are open. Some lade the other day came in last second to deposit $10 in her account. Seriously?!!? These people get me so mad.

Do you get last second customer where you work?

Monday, October 8, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

Q: What celebrity do you find most annoying and what would you like to do to them?

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Inside the Actor's Studio

Hello everyone!! Once again I am filling in for James Lipton. That man gets sick or goes on vacation a lot. What's that? The producer is trying to tell me something. Mr. Lipton is not on vacation, he is having surgery. What kind of surgery? He is getting his webbed feet unwebbed. I am sorry that I asked. I am now going to have nightmares about this. Let's move on before I start vomiting. Our guest today is a very recognizable TV Spokesman. Let's all welcome the Travelocity Gnome.

PTM: Welcome to the program. Is there a nickname I can call you? Travelocity Gnome is a lot to say.

Travelocity Gnome: My crew calls me T-Dog.

PTM: Ummm, I would rather not call you that. How about TG?

Travelocity Gnome: I guess that is all right. Can I call you PTM?

PTM: Everyone else does, go ahead. So my first question is a little personal. How is it that when you speak your mouth or lips don't move?

TG: Well you see I learned when I was very young that my inner monologue is so loud that I never have to open my mouth to speak.

PTM: That is fascinating. Have you ever thought of becoming a ventriloquist?

TG: I have an unnatural fear of puppets. I have at least one nightmare a week about one of the muppets trying to kill me, it's usually Kermit or Beaker.

PTM: That is a tough thing to live with. I am going to move on since I am not a licensed psychiatrist. Do you enjoy travelling all over the world for free?

TG: You actually think I travel all over the world for free? Those destinations in the commercials aren't real. There's a green scene and lots of back drops. PTM, you are so naive.

PTM: Well I just assumed you traveled. I feel like a dumb-ass. Fucking James Lipton and his webbed feet.

TG: Let me ask you a question. How are you qualified for this job? Did you do any research before you came up with your questions?

PTM: I get the call the last minute to fill in for Mr. Lipton. Someone else does the research for me. Who do you thing you are?

TG: Sorry PTM, I got a little worked up. I have been very tense and irritable lately. I just found out a few days ago that my wife was cheating on me with William Shatner.

PTM: Ouch, the Priceline negotiator. That must of stung twice as bad?

TG: It did. I don't fully understand it. The man is 80 years old, how is he still getting it up? I am freaking made of wood!! TG starts to cry uncontrollably

PTM: Pull yourself together man, you are on national television. Listen I know a guy that can take care of Mr. Shatner and your wife if that is what you want.

TG: You would do that for me?

PTM: Sure, we are pals now. Just say the word and Bill Shatner will be sleeping with the fishes.

TG: You know I never understood that line. Fish is already plural like deer. You wouldn't say he will be running with the deers.

PTM: That is an excellent question. And why is Colonel spelled and pronounced the way it is? There is an R sound, why is there an L there?

TG: And why does cargo go by ship and shipment go by car?

PTM: I think we have gotten off track. We have much more to talk about TG. Wait, the producer is now telling me we are out of time. Thanks for being here TG. Talk to me after the show about that thing. Thanks for joining us. Hopefully James Lipton will make a quick recovery.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

Q: If you could go back in time to punch someone in the face, who would it be and why?