Monday, January 30, 2012

Inside the Actor's Studio

For some reason James Lipton is always sick and I, Powdered Toast Man have to fill in for him. I should just take over as the host of this show. I do more work than that overpaid pompous ass. One day the producers of this show will get their heads out of their asses and figure that out for themselves. Enough about me, let's get on to the meat and potatoes of this program. Today, as always, we have a very special guest. Here with us today is none other than Captain Planet (cue Captain Planet theme music).

PTM: Thanks for being with us here today.

Captain Planet: No problem PTM, I'm glad to be here. Better than that fucking old folks home I'm stuck in.

PTM: Do you mind if I call you CP?

CP: Go ahead, just don't call me late for dinner. I'm serious, at the home, they feed us dinner at 4:30 and if I miss it I don't eat again until breakfast the next day. 

PTM: Sorry to hear that. I notice that your hair isn't green anymore. Are you going for a new look?

CP: No, it just got too expensive to keep dying my hair green all the time and saving the planet isn't really a lucrative job.

PTM: You know what has always bothered me? How come you wore a belly shirt and banana hammock all the time?

CP: Isn't it obvious? To show off my tan rock hard abs and huge package. GTL!!

PTM: You watch Jersey Shore don't you?

CP: Watch it? I lived it. That show it what my life was like outside of helping those stupid kids save the planet. I am The Situation.

PTM: No you're not and never say that again or I will have to punch you in the face. Let's move on. Do you keep in touch with any of the planeteers?

CP: Only Linka and that's because we have 3 kids together. I am paying out of my ass in child support. 

PTM: Must be tough paying for all that and your living expenses.

CP: Tell me about it, that greedy bitch won't let up. I had to sell a lot of my Exxon Mobil and BP stock to pay for those snotty nosed mistakes. 

PTM: So I guess you never got married?

CP: Hell no, I don't need no bitch dragging me down. I'm a playa, I can get any woman any day of the week.

PTM: And how is that working out for you?

CP: (starts crying uncontrollably) I'm so lonely, why won't anyone love me? (gives PTM a hug while crying into his chest).

PTM: Whoa there, it's okay, I'm sure you will find somebody. (pats CP on the head)

CP: I'm a failure!! This planet is shit and it's all my fault!!

PTM: That's true, it probably is. You were terrible at your job but don't beat yourself up over it. George W. Bush was terrible at his job and he's doing just fine. You know what I'm going to do for you? I'm going to get you a nice prostitute to cheer you up, on me. How does that sound?

CP: If you think it would help. Can she be Asian with really big tits?

PTM: Whatever you want. Now suck it up and  be a man, hookers don't like cry babies. And that is all the time we have today. Join us next time where we will have another washed up actor. Good bye. 

Monday, January 23, 2012


So getting back into blogging is harder than I thought. All the creative juices I had months ago have apparently dried up. I'm debating on whether to get some on the black market or not. I know a guy who knows a guy who  works with a guy that can get me the good stuff. I have all these drafts, each with a great topic but I just look at them and nothing springs to mind. I don't think I have writer's block, I think I have been just been away too long. A lot of my ideas were in my head and I didn't write them down and now they might be lost forever. I have only been able to muster up one measly post since we began the new year. I am behind on my blog goals. There has to be some inspiration in here somewhere, under the bed perhaps? Nope, only missing socks and half eaten crackers. Actually there are only socks under there now, a little stale but still edible. I feel like I'm disappointing everyone in the blogosphere. I said I was back and I haven't done anything to prove it. Time to get back to the drawing board! Dammit, that's my problem, I was using a drawing board and not a computer. No time to look at porn, I got work to do.

P.S. I came up with the title of this post afterwards and it was the first word that came to mind. I have no idea where it came from.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Thoughts of a newborn baby

What a newborn baby might be thinking or trying to say:

- Whoa, was it slimy in there. Wipe this crap off of me.

- I'm starving, can you direct me to the nearest nipple?

- Can you smell that?

- Excuse me, when do I get my balls?

- I was so bored for the last nine months, you have no idea.

- Thank you, I've had to burp for the past hour.

- Should I tell him that I'm onto this peek-a-boo game and I know he's not disappearing?

- I think I sprung a leak down here.

- If you were sitting in your own shit for the past 4 hours, you would be crying too.

- I'm not sure why you put shoes on my feet, I can't even walk.

- I love boobies.

- Hey mom, daddy and the babysitter were wrestling again today.

- I hate Dr. Phil.


Friday, January 6, 2012

Who missed me?

School is over!! I can finally get back to blogging. I feel so lost without it in my life. I have no idea where I left off  or what I was thinking about four month ago. I got to get back to the drawing board. I have so much creative juice running through my veins. It is overwhelming to think about what I want to write about. I need a secretary or assistant. Any one need a job? I can pay you in jelly beans. Good ones too, I have Jelly Belly's. Ok, I think that is all I can say right now, my brain is about to explode. Come back next week for the start of a great JTC year.