I have a special guest in the studio with me today. He is an iconic figure in the food industry and all over the world (I think, don't quote me on that). Please give a warm welcome to the one and only Cap'n Crunch.
Powdered Toast Man: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down and do this interview. Now what can I call you? Do you prefer Cap'n or Mr. Crunch?
Cap'n Crunch: When you’re dressed like that – in a skimpy muscle shirt and hot red biker shorts? He leans in and lowers his tone. Call me Captain and I’ll show you my plank.
PTM: Maybe later in my dressing room.Now, I have to ask this right off the bat because I know it is on every one's mind. What is your true real name?
Cap'n: What makes you think I’m not Cap'n Crunch? He leans in again, loosening his belt this time. Do you need to see some proof?
PTM: Wait until later (whispering under his breath). I heard a rumor from another mascot, who shall remain nameless, that you have never actually been on a pirate ship. What do you have to say about this accusation?
Cap'n: Tony’s just jealous and – leaning in again- quite the Tiger, grrrr.
PTM: Is it hard being out in public without people constantly harassing you?
Cap'n: Yes. He smiles widely.
PTM: I heard that you beat out Ranger Smith from Jellystone Park and David Hasselhoff to be the mascot and spokesperson for Cap'n Crunch. Did they have any hard feelings about it and do you keep in touch with either of them?
Cap'n: Nah, Ranger Smith doesn’t have hard anything – if you know what I mean. He winks and nudges PTM. David, though, ooh, I tell ya. Some things do get better with age.
PTM: Ok then, I'm sorry I asked. What do you think about this whole Arnold Schwarzenegger scandal?
Cap'n: What? Who is he?
PTM: Umm, he is the former governor of California, a famous action movie star. He played the Terminator.
Cap'n: Never heard of the dude. What is the scandal about? Was he dealing drugs with Lucky the Leprechaun?
PTM: Never mind, let's move on. Answer this next one quickly without thinking. Trix Rabbit, Toucan Sam, Smacks the Frog, Fuck, marry or kill? Go!
Cap'n: Smacks probably has some sort of STD from all the inter venous drugs he's taken. I'd kill that dude. Trix seems like a tender lover and his fur would feel good against my skin so I would definitely hit that. Toucan has already raised some kids so I'm sure he would be a good spouse, I'll marry him. How about you PTM?
PTM: Oh, I'd fuck all of them.
Cap'n: My kind of guy.
PTM: Cap'n there is another reason why I brought you on the show. There is something I need to get off my chest that I have been feeling guilty about for years. I'm the reason your wife left you 3 years ago. She was having an affair with me. We bumped into each other at an IHOP and things just happened. She told me that you aren't crunchy enough for her and that your plank doesn't stay straight. She just wanted some good ol' fashion cereal sex. I'm sorry Cap'n. I didn't mean to be a home wrecker.
Cap'n: I accept your apology. And now you can accept this. He jabs his hook into PTM's thigh.
PTM is bleeding and screaming in agony
PTM: What the hell!?!? Oh, it hurts. MEDIC!!!!
Securtiy comes rushing out to grab Cap'n. He starts waving around his hook at them. One of the guards drops him with a tranquilizer dart. The producer comes running out.
Producer: Cut! Cut! Go to commercial! (Addresses PTM) I told you he would stab you with his hook but did you listen to me? Noooooo. You can't trust a pirate. I learned that the hard way when backed into Long John Silver's car. He came to my house the next week and left a shark in my bathtub. My wife is missing two of her toes now.
PTM: Great story, now how about you bring me to the hospital before I bleed to death. I think I need a tetanus shot.
I would like to thank RawknRobyn for supplying some of the Cap'n's lines.
