Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Behind the scenes at Abe Lincoln's house

What if Abe Lincoln and his wife Mary Todd had a fight before they went to Ford's Theater? This is how I imagined it would have went a few hours before...

Abe: We are not going to that stupid play!

Mary Todd: Oh yes we are!

Abe: I'm the President.

Mary Todd: I don't give a rat's ass who you are, you promised a few weeks ago that we could go.

Abe: I was banking on you not remembering. I would much rather alphabetize my stamp collection.

Mary Todd: I am a woman, I remember things that aren't important to you. Besides John and Nancy saw it last week and they said Jesus and his technicolor dreamcoat is amazing.

Abe: John would say that, he's fancy boy.

Mary Todd: What do you mean by that?

Abe: You know, he drives his carriage on the other side of the road. He butters his bread with the other hand. He sits when he pees. 

Mary Todd: You are not making any sense to me.

Abe: Do I need to spell it out?!? He's gay!

Mary Todd: You don't know what you are talking about. You know what's gay? That stovepipe hat you wear all the time.

Abe: Everybody loves this hat!!

Mary Todd: Yeah, especially dudes that suck dick!

Abe: Mary Todd!! Such language, where did you learn to speak that way?

Mary Todd: Your mom.

Abe: Don't be talkin' about my momma!

Mary Todd: You are going to the play if I have to drag you there. Martha and Tom are meeting us there. We can't stand them up again.

Abe: I don't even like Tom. He always smells like cherry cough drops.

Mary Todd: Oh quit your fucking whining. I can't take you anywhere without you whining. You think you would grow some balls after becoming President. 

Abe: I don't know what has gotten in to you tonight but I don't like it. 

Mary Todd: Well, just stop being a bitch.

Abe: I am not being a bitch. I'm just tired and I have diarrhea. 

Mary Todd: Take and quick nap and drink some Imodium. 

Abe: I guess that might help. Do you really think my hat is gay?

Mary Todd: Most people do, they are just being nice because you are President of the United States. 

Abe: Who specifically said it was gay?

Mary Todd: Most of the women in my quilting circle, George at the bakery, Seamus at the farm supply store and old man Wilson that sits outside the Church all the time.

Abe: Old man Wilson, really? The other day he said it made me look quite dignified. 

Mary Todd: He lied. Maybe it is time to find a new hat. Enough talk about your hat. Go take a quick nap and I will wake you up for dinner. Then we are going to the play. 

Abe: I would rather put a gun to my head than go see that play. 

Mary Todd: I can make it happen, don't test me. 

Abe: Bullshit. 

Mary Todd: Mmmhmmm

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Real or fake bacon news

Have you noticed that bacon is taking over everything nowadays? You can pretty much get any food with bacon and most things come bacon scented. What will they think of next? See if you can figure out which of these items are real things or something I just made up to amuse myself.

Bacon scented candles

Bacon flavored lipstick

Bacon lollipops

Bacon scented toilet paper

Beer infused with bacon

Chocolate covered bacon

American cheese slices with bacon

Bacon cereal

Bacon scented deodorant

Bacon flavored water

Meatless bacon

Bacon scented condoms

Bacon toothpaste

Yogurt with bacon

Taco Bell bacon flavored tacos (The taco shell is bacon flavored)

Bacon flavored coffee

Bras with essence of bacon

Bacon air freshener

Bacon scented hand lotion

Bacon scented baby wipes

What would you try?

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Weird Laws: Part 18

If you find this post amusing and tickling your funny bone, there are seventeen others similar to this one in the 'Weird Laws' page tab under the header. (psst, next to the 'Home' button above)


It is illegal to sell one's eye. What if I trade for it, like an eye for a nose?


It is illegal NOT to drink milk. Vegans are not welcome here.


Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. It is good to be a lesbian in Vermont. 


Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. So on Christmas or Martin Luther King Jr day it is perfectly acceptable?


The harassing of Bigfoot, Sasquatch or other undiscovered subspecies is a felony punishable by a fine and/or imprisonment. That is bullshit. Those Squatches are always giving me purple nurples and atomic wedgies. 

West Virginia

Whistling underwater is prohibited. It upsets SpongeBob and Squidward. 


It is illegal to serve butter substitute in prison. Only butter makes a good lube. 


You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit. The Easter Bunny and his family would like you to respect their privacy. 

Thursday, May 2, 2019

Thoughts of the husband while the wife is in labor

"I am glad I am not a woman"

"She can do this but anal sex is too painful?"

"Is this here poop face?"

"Did I remember to lock the front door?"

"It has been awhile since I've had some Taco Bell"

"Is it wrong that I'm super horny right now?"

"This thing is gonna be such a cock block"

"Is this nurse giving me the 'fuck me' eyes right now?"

"I am so glad she is not giving birth on 9/11"

"It look like her vagina is blowing a bubble"

"Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy and....?"

"I should write a blog post about this experience"