Friday, September 23, 2011

Lame Joke of the Day

A rope walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "we don't serve ropes here, you will have to leave." The rope goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays both ends of himself. He re-enters the bar and orders a drink again. The bartender says, "didn't you just hear what I said, we don't serve ropes here." The rope replies, "I'm afraid not." (I'm a frayed knot)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Get off the phone!!

I haven't ranted in awhile and I do love some good old fashioned ranting like my great grandma used to do. Okay, I have no idea if my great grandma ranted a lot, I might be lying, please don't hold me to it. Most of my rants are about how annoying or frustrating people are, especially while driving but this rant isn't about driving. I could rant everyday on people's inability to drive. Don't get me started.

I think technology has taken over our lives. I think cell phones especially have taken control of people. I have to admit that I am addicted to my cell phone from time to time, mostly playing word games. What bothers the crap out of me is when people walk and use their cell phones, whether it be texting or playing a game, talking on their cell and walking doesn't bother me as much. People who text and walk should be beaten with a pillow case full of bars of soap. Either these idiots walk to slow or have no idea where they are walking. How about you pull over to the edge of the sidewalk or walkway and do whatever you need to do on your phone. I even saw people walking and texting in the rain, really people? You can't even be off your phone in the rain?
It is mostly on school campus that I run into this annoyance. Damn young people have no respect.

While I am on the subject of young college students, I would also like these kids to learn some sidewalk etiquette. It is sort of like driving a car, you are suppose to stay to the right (if you live in the U.S.). You don't walk on the left side and you don't walk with a group side to side taking up the whole damn walkway. I would really like to punch one of these kids in the face. Who taught these kids the rules anyway? I think I just hate large groups of people because somehow or another they always are in my way. I will have to invest in a Segway so I can run them over.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Worst Movies Ever Blogfest

Alex J. Cavanaugh is hosting yet another blogfest. I love it when the blogfest involves movies. This one was probably harder to make compared to the favorite movies blogfest. I try to stay clear of movies that I think are potentially going to be bad or I just plain forget about the bad ones. I am sure there are lots of movies I forgot about. These are the ones that popped into my head so that is what I am using. I will definitely see films I missed on other blogs. And not in a specific order, here is my list.

Freddy Got Fingered - I got this movie for Christmas one year from my mom for whatever reason. I watched it and immediately sold it to a store in the mall for $3.

Balls of Fury - I thought this movie would be similar to Dodgeball and have some humor in it but I don't think I laughed once. I have less respect for Christopher Walken and Robert Patrick now.

S. Darko - This is probably the worst sequel coming from a great movie I have ever seen. I love Donnie Darko but this sequel was worst than Casey Anthony's verdict.

I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer - This would be the straight to video third installment of the I Know What You Did Last Summer series. I am going to tell you who the killer is so you don't watch it. SPOILER ALERT!! The killer is the ghost of the original killer. Very terrible.

Charlies Angels: Full Throttle - I liked the first one because it was hot girls kicking ass but I couldn't even watch this whole movie. Did they win?

Tenacious D: Pick of Destiny
- I love the band, I think they are hilarious but something went horribly wrong when making this flick. Why Jack Black, why?

Mission: Impossible 2 - As a stand alone movie this would probably be okay but when compared to the 1st and 3rd films it is pretty bad. 

Lost in Space - Matt Le Blanc should stick to 90's sitcoms. Danger, Gary Oldman, Danger!!

Cabin Fever -
Mmm flesh eating virus. Why wasn't Ben Savage co-starring with Rider Strong. I would of enjoyed the movie better.

DreamCatcher - I was very excited to see this movie when it came out. Then I saw it when it came out on DVD and immediately regretted my decision. Stephen King tricked me. I sent him a letter requesting a refund for my ticket. I never got a response.

Make sure you head over to Alex's blog to join in the fun and check out the other participants. 

Friday, September 16, 2011

Barker Beauty Interview

I'm not sure if it is publicly known but Bob Barker from the daytime game show The Price is Right was involved in many sexual harassment lawsuits with the women that he worked with. They were ironically called The Barker Beauties. The lawsuits were kept very hush-hush and not much information was known, until now. I have with me today one of Barker's Beauties who is going to sit down and do an exclusive first time interview with me here on 'Just the Cheese'. Please welcome to the stage Ivonna Bangkok.

PTM: I am so glad that you picked this blog to do your first interview on. I am truly honored. How are you feeling today?

Ivonna: Rich. Oh...please edit that out. Where is the buffet I was promised?

PTM: How long did you work on The Price is Right?

Ivonna: What? Oh that, hmmm....I'm not supposed to discuss it, but long enough to get a reputation.

PTM: What were some of the names that Bob called you?

Ivonna: in Oh mostly, which is better then being referred to as a Barker. I'll tell you something that's not well known, everyone thinks we got called that because it's his name but it's actually more about his favorite position. And the fact that he liked us to bark when he was doing it. But please don't ask about the dog collar...although I think there might be pictures on a website somewhere.

PTM: Were you intimately involved with any of the other girls on the show?

Ivonna: Well yes, but then sometimes Bob needed a rest.

PTM: What do you think of these abs? (lifts up shirt and points at abs)

Ivonna: Are you doing anything later?

PTM: Would it be all right if I asked what your favorite sexual position is?

Ivonna: I like them all, but of course there is one that will always remind me of Bob. Would you like me to show you? 

PTM: There was a rumor going around that Bob has a penile implant, can you comment on that?
Ivonna: Yes, the surgeon did a great job - you really wouldn't know it used to be a vagina.

PTM: Did Bob and Rod Roddy, may he rest in peace, ever gang up on you?

Ivonna: Only on public holidays....and once on my birthday.

PTM: Your son looks an awful lot like Bob, could he be the father?

Ivonna: I beg your pardon? I have a daughter.

PTM: You know, I have a jacuzzi in my dressing room. How about you meet me in there after the show? I'll bring the bubble bath.

Ivonna: As long as the price is right, just be sure and bring those abs.

PTM: Don't forget you signed that waiver before the show so you can't sue me for sexual harassment. I'm smarter than Bob. Last question then we are out of time. What is your favorite Price is Right game?

Ivonna: The ones the censors wouldn't let you see. And I'll be the one doing the harassment but don't be thinking you can sue me, it's not like I have any money. I spent it on these (lifts top and points at massive tits)
How much am I getting paid for doing this? 

PTM: We can discuss that in the jacuzzi. That's all the time we have today. Thanks for watching and tune in next time when we will have Bob Barker to tell his side of the story. (looks at producer) What's that? We couldn't get Bob? The best we could do is Drew Carey?  No, no, I will not stand for this. I will call Bob personally. Drew is a douche. See you next time folks.

I would like to thank Dirtycowgirl for playing the part of Ivonna. It was her first time guest posting on JTC and she did an awesome job. Anyone that goes and gives her some blog love will get a free T-shirt. Click HERE to visit Left Alone With A Full Moon.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

In the Bedroom

Awhile ago I did a post on the phenomenon of sleep kissing. If you are not familiar with it, I will explain. Sleep kissing is when you randomly wake up from sleep or a nap and starts kissing your partner. It usually feels different than regular kissing and is more passionate. A lot of the times I forget that I even did it until I wake up and think 'did I wake up and do that?' Sometimes sleep kissing leads to sleep groping but not that often. I am not telling you all this as a repost but more as a continuation of the first post.

I am here to tell you about a new phenomenon that just occurred the other night. I will call it sleep sex. The other night I woke up after only being asleep for an hour or so and started kissing Nicole. Normally I would just go back to sleep but for some reason it really turned me on and things just progressed without even thinking. It felt like I was half dreaming. It was very hot and sensual. That is the first time that sleep kissing has turned into sleep intercourse. I always thought it would and I was just waiting on it.

So do you sleep kiss or maybe even sleep sex?

Monday, September 12, 2011

Where Are They Now?

This series accounts the lives and events of people that were once famous and now you don’t know what they are doing. I’m here to give you the lowdown.

I am here to tell you the whereabouts of the Maytag Repair Man. I am sure a lot of you are wandering what happened to that man. I am going to divulge some secrets about the Maytag Repair Man. He didn't know anything about how to fix a washer or dryer. He had no mechanical experience at all. He was just a face behind the name. Most people that needed service on their appliance just assumed that he would be the one to stop by their house. The actual repair man would have to lie and tell the customer that he was out on another service call.

The fact that he couldn't fix an appliance isn't his biggest secret. He was hiding something from the company for awhile that he just couldn't keep to himself any longer. He told them that he was a cross dresser and could no longer hide it from the world. He demanded that he be able to "be himself" in the commercials. He was still under contract and the company couldn't discriminate against his lifestyle so they shot the commercials with him dressed as a woman. The company told him that they would air the commercials after the old ones did their run. They ran one of the new commercials at 3 in the morning. They waited until his contract expired and then they fired him for some bullshit reason. He was devastated.

He tried looking for other spokesperson positions. He auditioned for the Chiquita banana lady, Welch's grape juice girl and one of Barker's beauties on The Price is Right. Nobody would hire him. He goes by the name Ruth and only dresses as a man when he attends church. He spends a lot of his money at Victoria's Secret. You might see his at your local Walmart if you look hard enough.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Cheesy Interview

I have brought my very special blogger buddy here today to do a serious interview. Rawknrobyn of Life by Chocolate is going to share with us her thoughts and feelings about 'Just the Cheese'. I think we all want to know what she thinks about this blog and where it is headed. So please, turn off your tv, silence you pagers and put your kids down for a nap, this could get pretty intense.
PTM:  Thank you Robyn for being here today. I know that you are a very busy lady.

Robyn: Sure thing. Actually I haven’t gotten busy--*wink, sigh and elbow nudge*-- in a long, long time. You’re looking pretty sexy in those Speedos. Do you always dress like that for the office? Hubba hubba!

PTM: Let's get right down to it. I'm going to ask you some real serious and perhaps controversial questions today. Each question will be tougher than the last. Are you up for the challenge?

Robyn: Honey, you’re the one who needs to be UP for it (unbuttoning her top shirt button, Robyn leans in closer to PTM). Give it to me, babe!

PTM: Great, my first question is, what is your favorite kind of cheese and why?

Robyn: double chocolate cheesecake with chocolate chips on a chocolate graham cracker crust drenched in chocolate syrup. I like it because it has no anchovies.

PTM: What is your least favorite kind of cheese and why?

Robyn: Swiss because it’s holy. I’m not such a holy gal. *Wink, wink.*

PTM: When you hear the name 'Just the Cheese', what is the first word that pops into your head?

Robyn: Do you need a private secretary? I’ll do the job for free.

PTM: What is your favorite thing about 'Just the Cheese'?

Robyn: (scanning PTM from head to toe) I like the whole package.

PTM: What thing do you like least about 'Just the Cheese'?

Robyn: (Distracted by PTM’s manliness, Robyn pushes a pencil from the desk onto the floor and it drops at her feet.) Oh I’m sorry. Will you please get closer and pick that up for me? I have back problems.

PTM: What is it about 'Just the Cheese' that kept you coming back?

Robyn: (unbuttoning another shirt button) It’s getting really hot in here! Did you say something?

PTM: Does JTC need some chocolate added to it?

Robyn: Well, let’s go off-stage and find out.

PTM: It's obvious that you are secretly in love with me. How does it make you feel knowing that I am taken?

Robyn: Great. I’m hopeful for a foursome - you two, me and Danny De Vito.
PTM: How many slices of cheese do you like on your sandwiches?

Robyn: It depends how many times I cut the cheese.

PTM: Does it bother you that the Trix Rabbit never gets the cereal?

Robyn: Nah. He’s got connections. I’ve seen him at parties all hopped up on Cocoa Puffs. That hare brain!

PTM: Unfortunately that is all the time we have. Join us next time when we will have, um, somebody else on the show. Robyn, let me show you that thing I was telling you about before, it's in my dressing room. (PTM escorts Robyn backstage with what looks like a roll of quarters in his pocket).

I would like to thank RawknRobyn for playing the part of herself. She did a phenomenal job as usual. I always love having her on as a special guest. Don't forget to head over to her blog and give her some love. Tell her I sent you (I get one cookie for each person I send over).

Monday, September 5, 2011

My Bucket List

I decided to set my goals pretty low on my bucket list. It's the under achiever in me that put this on paper.

  • Eat a whole carton of ice cream
  • Win a prize out of the claw machine game
  • Watch all three extended editions of The Lord of the Rings Trilogy in a row
  • Do an entire crossword puzzle by myself without cheating
  • Win a staring contest
  • Donate sperm
  • Attempt (but not set) a Guinness World Record
  • Meet Bob Barker
  • Pet a giraffe
  • Eat a bug
  • Fly a kite in a thunderstorm
  • Watch someone slip on a banana peel
  • Inherit a super power
  • Try some heroin
  • Get 100 Hula Hoop revolutions
  • Beat Yo! Noid video game for Nintendo 
  • Build a four story card house
  • Pickpocket a complete stranger
  • Reverse pickpocket a gang member
  • Become a judge on The Miss America Pageant
  • Run a 1/4 of a marathon
  • Be the first person to purchase a 4D Television (when available)
  • Read an entire book, cover to cover
  • See if the toilets and sinks south of the equator drain clockwise
  • Grow a beard