Monday, December 16, 2019

Would you rather game

Would you rather........

1) See into the future OR read people's minds?

2) Do something great for humanity but be remembered as a bad person OR do nothing great but be remembered as a hero?

3) Be able to eat anything you wanted and not gain weight OR sleep only an hour but receive the benefits of sleeping 8 hours?

4) Have an old head with a young body OR young head with an old body?

5) Never have to poop again OR never have to brush your teeth?

6) Be allergic to chocolate OR be allergic to coffee?

My decisions:

1) See into the future. I don't want to know what other people are thinking.

2) Do something great. I'm not a big enough dick to go the other way.

3) Eat anything I want. The sleep thing is very tempting but I would probably use that time to eat.

4) Young head with old body. This way being naked surprises everybody.

5) Never have to brush my teeth. I enjoy a good poop. Plus I won't have to go to the dentist.

6) Coffee. I am addicted to chocolate and can get my caffeine fix elsewhere.

Don't let my answers influence you.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Interview with Gorton's Fisherman

It is time for me to play guest hose on 'Inside the Actor's Studio' again. James Lipton is pretty cool and lets me come on here whenever I want. All he wants in return are pictures of Harriet Tubman wearing lingerie. Those pictures are impossible to find so it is a good thing that my buddy is good at photoshop. Today's guest is that well-known fisherman from Gorton's seafood.

Powdered Toast Man: Thank you for being with us today.

Gorton's Fisherman: Glad to be here PTM, I love your show.

Powdered Toast Man: What show?

Gorton's Fisherman: To Catch a Predator.

Powdered Toast Man: That is Chris Hansen. I have a blog called 'Just the Cheese'.

Gorton's Fisherman: I always get you two mixed up. And I have never heard of your blog.

Powdered Toast Man: That's okay. I don't eat your seafood. 

Gorton's Fisherman: I don't either. I prefer Mrs. Pauls.

Powdered Toast Man: Aren't you afraid you might lose your job by saying that?

Gorton's Fisherman: Nah, I got dirt on all the big shots. They aren't getting rid of me without making a big mess.

Powdered Toast Man: You play dirty, I like that. 

Gorton's Fisherman: You should see me in the bedroom. That yellow raincoat comes in handy in other ways if you know what I mean. 

Powdered Toast Man: I really, really don't and I have no interest in finding out. 

Gorton's Fisherman: That is disappointing. Word on the street is that you are kinky as all get out.

Powdered Toast Man: I was, I mean I am. Uhh, I had to tone it down a bit. I'm involved in several sexual harassment cases at the moment. Mums the word.

Gorton's Fisherman: I hear ya loud and clear. Been there done that. What a headache.

Powdered Toast Man: I am embarrassed to ask this now but are you Gorton or do you just work for him?

Gorton's Fisherman: Everyone is confused by this too. Gorton is the name of the boat. My name is Ben. 

Powdered Toast Man: Thanks for the clarification. You look like a Ben. 

Gorton's Fisherman: Thanks, I get that a lot. You look delicious.

Powdered Toast Man: Thanks, I get that a lot too.

Gorton's Fisherman: Is this interview going to be over soon?

Powdered Toast Man: Why?

Gorton's Fisherman: I think I ate some bad clams for breakfast. I got something percolating here.

Powdered Toast Man: That is all I needed to know. Maybe we can have you back and actually answer some real questions.

Gorton's Fisherman: Sounds gooooood. He says as he runs down the hall to the bathroom.

Friday, December 6, 2019

Rare Interview

Repost from 2010.

I think that Jaws gets a bad rap. We don't know what was going on in his life. We all just assume he's an evil shark bent on killing innocent people. We don't know the truth....... until now. I recently found a rare interview with Jaws' wife after his untimely death. Never before released to the public.

Reporter Neil Blacksmith & Jaws' Wife

I am sorry for your loss Mrs. Jaws

Thank you Neil, you can call me Marg.

Marg, I apologize in advance if my questions are blunt but people need to know things.

That's quite alright. Ask whatever you want.

Did you know your husband was a serial killer?

How dare you call him that!! He was a good fish, he didn't deserve what he got (starts to tear).

How was he a good fish? He murdered innocent people.

You don't know what he was going through. He was recently diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia with multiple personalities. He didn't know what he was doing half the time.

Please, continue.

He was such a gentle husband and father. He never hurt anybody for any reason. He would come home with blood all over him with an arm or a leg hanging out of his mouth and he had no idea what happened. He didn't know he was killing people. His other personality was doing it. I named his other half Lenny. We didn't know what to do. We couldn't go to the police, they would just lock him up or throw him in the loony bin. We thought the problem would just go away on it's own but it just ended up getting worse. What would you have done?

I'm sorry, what was the question? Your cleavage is distracting me.

You perv!! You track me down to interview me and then you stare at my chest? Is this how you do all your interviews?

Well... yeah, if the person/fish I'm interviewing has big boobs and is wearing a skimpy top. Don't get mad at me, I'm just a guy.

You best be glad that my eldest son isn't here or he would tear off your arms off (grabs her jacket and covers herself up). Now can you concentrate?

Yes, I'm sorry, can we continue with the interview? (nonchalantly conceals his massive erection).

I suppose so...... I hated that Quint, he got what he deserved. I would of ate him if my husband didn't. He was such an asshole. I am still trying to track down Chief Brody. I am going to enjoy eating him little by little (licking her lips and showing her teeth). I'm starting to get hungry.

What's for dinner? I'm pretty hun......... CHOMP!

(son enters the room) Mom, where's that reporter? I wanted to talk to him about dad.

I don't know what he's doing now but in a few hours he will be digesting.

Mom!?!? Again? That's 2 reporters this week!

What the hell do you expect? I'm a great white shark. I'd eat you if you weren't my son.

Tuesday, December 3, 2019

If I won the lottery I would ....

 Castrate all the people that society deems dumb 

Block out every other parking spot in a parking lot so no one can ever park next to you

Create a mandatory dress code for anyone that shops at Walmart

Close all stores on Sunday and make everyone stay home

Introduce my own flavors of Doritos

Get rid of pennies forever

Turn off cable and the Internet for a few hours each week to force families to spend time together

Resurrect Robin Williams

Create a real version robot from Bicentennial Man

Repopulate the giraffe population

Create a miniature version of Jurassic Park

Bring back Toys 'R' Us but rename it Toys For Me but only I can shop there

Create another Mount Rushmore but use the heads of The Golden Girls

Cancel The Simpsons, you had a good run but enough already

Make Seinfeld shoot another final episode

Get trained as an astronaut, fly to the moon and play hacky sack

Make Wednesday part of the weekend

Give everyone a free boob job

Discontinue yellow Starburst

Dig a hole to China