Choose Your Own Apocalypse Blogfest

For complete rules and naked pictures of Richard Nixon, go HERE. There have been so many blogfests, bloghops and other blog related things to participate in, it is hard to keep up. I know about 83% of you didn't click the link to read the rules and background for this blogfest, so I will sum it up in a few words. Basically, how does the world end? 

How I think the Apocalypse will happen:

A crazed fan will somehow clone Justin Bieber but something goes terrible wrong (besides the fact that the fan cloned him). The cloning machine goes haywire and continues to clone Justin Bieber. No one can stop it, not even the scientist that invented the cloning device. Hundreds, then thousands, then millions of Biebers wander the streets. They invade stores, peoples homes and make their way to other countries. The worst part is all they do is sing "oh baby," over and over again. 

Nobody knows what to do. The leaders of every country get together and a decision is made. The only option is mass murder and suicide. Every human on Earth that is not Justin Bieber commits suicide. For those unable to do it themselves such as children, coma patients and the elderly, they are murdered first. I, Powdered Toast Man only survive to write down the events and then I take my own life. Millions of Justin Biebers are left to roam Earth by themselves. God help any extra terrestrials that land on Earth. 

This blogfest is hosted by Chuck over at Apocalypse Now and Shannon over at The Warrior Muse. Join in on the fun or be a bum, either way. 

Does Santa have sex?

This post is 98.4% fat free. I am going light today. I was trying to figure out what to write when my blogger buddy Rawknrobyn over at Life by Chocolate told me she was reposting a holiday post featuring myself, Rawknrobyn and The Invisible Seductress. I will share the link and give a brief synopsis of the post but I have a quick announcement. Most people make a big deal about hitting milestones, I might be one of those people.

I earned my 300th follower yesterday (or today, I really don't know) and I have posted over 600 posts. That has to count for something right? I believe I receive a pie of my choosing from the 300th follower. That blogger is Elsie Write. I would like you to mix an apple pie with a blueberry pie. You have one week to deliver it. Thank you.

Back to the awesome post I helped with on Life by Chocolate back in 2010. It is about Mr and Mrs. Claus, some alcoholism, infidelity and elf sex. Intrigued? I thought you would be. I play the part of Mr. Claus.
 Go HERE and enjoy. Go already. Stop reading this and read that post. You never listen to me. LINK

Party Like Slim Dyson

If you are not familiar with the blog A Beer for the Shower than this post might not make sense. You can quickly go HERE to read a little back story to this post. You didn't click the link did you? I knew you wouldn't. You lazy bastard. Now this post will just be random and it will have no context to you. I don't care anyway, do what you want.

Okay fine, here is some background: Book release; party; Slim Dyson; homeless writer; creativity.


The party takes place on the #9 Loop Bus at around 5 o'clock pm. I promise the driver a signed copy of Slim's book so he will make some unscheduled stops and drive us around for a little while. He picks up Slim and some of his homeless buddies up at the shelter. I run in and steal as many saltines as I can. We pick up some ketchup packets and assorted dipping sauces at a fast food place. As we dine, I ask the driver to take a detour through the fancy neighborhood. For some reason Shoeless Pete starts singing Happy Birthday to Slim and the rest of the passengers on the bus join in. I explain to the passengers that we are honoring Slim, many of them ask questions on why they sang Happy Birthday. I ignore their questions and ask if anyone has an ipod to put it on speaker so we can have some party music. I get 4 or 5 people playing their ipods at the same time. They fight over which song should be played and I give up on music.

 I slip the driver a $5 so he will look the other way as I rummage through the lost & found box for a nice present for Slim. He receives one red baby shoe, a pair of sunglasses with one of the lenses popped out, a DVD of Big Momma's House 2, ipod ear bud covers, the top to a thermos, and a naked barbie with her head missing. I keep the other $5 that I was given to throw this party and no one is the wiser. Slim signs some autographs even though none of the passengers knows who he is and the party is over at 5:27 pm.

If you are interested in buying Slim's book go HERE. I think it might be written by the guys at A Beer for the Shower but I am only 78.46% sure on that.

Simple & Fun Question of the Week: Would you rather...?

Would you rather have a piece of gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe forever?

OR

Always have a shoelace come untied everyday?

"Cheers, Cavanaugh Blogfest"

If you want to participate go HERE. If you don't, make yourself a tasty sandwich and then read this post. If somehow you were looking for porn and came here accidentally then I'm not sure what to tell you.

I joined this blogfest and totally forgot about it. It is a good thing the host sent reminder emails. Now I am suppose to answer some questions and write a short story about Alex. I am not what you call a true 'writer' but I will give it a try. As a side note, I made some Jell-O gelatin and I am very excited to eat it in a few hours.

1.) In +/-20 words, what does Alex look like?

Alex changes form and shape constantly.

2.) In +/- 20 words, who could play Alex in a documentary? (living or dead)

Time traveler Alex from 12/23/2012.

3.) In +/- 20 words, who does Alex remind you of?

That guy, dammit, what's his name....?

4.) In +/- 100 words, (excluding the title) write flash fiction using all these prompts: Cavanaugh, Ninja, IWSG, Cosbolt, Guitar:

The Origin of Bacon

Since I am not an author I had to look up the definition of flash fiction. It is defined as any story where the main character, Alex, plays guitar for a living but moonlights as a ninja for the IWSG. He lives at 99 Cavanaugh Place, apartment J, where in his spare time builds model Cosbolts that he sells on ebay to pay for his Sci-Fi movie collection.

...........

You really didn't expect me to answer those questions seriously? But in all seriousness Alex J. Cavanaugh is an awesome person, blogger and cyber friend. I am sure we all owe him for something he did for us. This is we would all clank our glasses together in honor of Alex. Not too hard, these glasses are fragile!!

"And You Are...? Blog Hopamajig

It's one of those things that people do. I think I am suppose to answer some questions and then give some blood. I forget exactly what goes on.

1. How many speeding tickets have you gotten?Zero. Once I reach 88 MPH the cops can't even find me.
(P.S. Back to the Future reference if you aren't a nerd)
2. Can you pitch a tent?
Only with my pajama pants in the morning.

3. What was your worst vacation ever?
This one time at band camp.....

4. What was the last thing you bought over $100?
A baby, I got a great deal on the Black Market.

5. We're handing you the keys to what?
The piano that I am building. 

6. What was the last meal you cooked that made even you sick?
That time I added Ipecac to my chicken noodle soup.

7. Fill in the blank: Oh my gosh! Becky, look at her butt! It is so big. She looks like a ..
Woman with a giant ass that Sir Mixalot would make a song about.

8. What was your first car?
Barbie's Corvette and man was it fast.

9. Your best friend falls and gets hurt. Do you ask if he/she's okay or laugh first?
I have a best friend? Who?

10. What's the worst song ever?
The next song Justin Bieber writes. 

To participate in this Blog Hop, head on over to Emily R. King.

How to Survive a Zombie Apocalypse: As a Zombie

I'm sure we have all seen the awesome movie Zombieland (and if not, go rent it right now and then come back and finish reading and preferably write a kick-ass comment). And we all know now that there are rules in surviving a Zombie Apocalypse if you are a living human. But what about the Zombies? Who is on their side? Well, in case you fall victim to a Zombie bite, here are some survival tips.

Survival Tips - If you are a Zombie

#3 - Wear protective headgear at all times. The living will be targeting your brain, keep it safe.

#11 - Make your home in the woods. Less people to bother you and more assortment of food.

#16 - If you are going to wander, travel in a large pack of at least 20.

#17 - Make it your #1 goal to eat Snooki.

#24 - Pick up your feet when you walk, dragging your feet is a dead giveaway that you are a Zombie.

#45 - Eat plenty of fiber.

#51 - Hunt children, they are less likely to attack.

#79 - Don't eat Pop Rocks and drink a Coke at the same time.

#88 - Cover up any scars, loss of flesh or missing limbs.

#92 - Don't be fooled, Rob Zombie is not your friend.

#99 - Learn some pointers by watching The Walking Dead.

For more survival tips, buy the book.

I was going somewhere with it

Do followers even matter anymore? Are you a better blogger/writer if you have 2000 followers opposed to someone that has only 40? I don't think it counts for anything. I think it all depends on the quality of the comments and the character of the person leaving them. I truly hate people that follow you just so you will follow them back so they can inflate their numbers. They never leave a comment or interact with you at all. Frankly, I don't really pay attention to who follows me. I think it's cool that I'm almost at 300 followers but without people actually reading and commenting those numbers mean diddly squat. The other day I went back through the original followers I had. None of them exist anymore and I don't recognize any of their names.

I would rather get 30 comments per post than have 10,000 followers. This isn't Myspace, you don't just follow someone so they will follow you. Hopefully those bloggers get weeded out because the real bloggers won't fall for their games and they will fall by the wayside. My rule is if you comment on my post I will gladly return the favor even if I am not an avid reader of your blog. It might take me a couple of days but I will stop by your site. I expect the same in return. I would love to eventually make a cyber friend along the way. Someone that I can rely on to leave a great comment and expect the same from me. Someone that is open to guest posting and someone that likes to interact either through email, Facebook or Twitter.

I remember when I first started blogging, I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't know how to get people to read what I wrote or find other blogs. I use to check the stats all the time to see how many people had visited my site that day. So young and foolish. That doesn't matter anymore. It is about the friends that you make and the connections that occur. I have no idea where I am going with this post. I had one idea when I started it and it could go on forever.

Blogging is a lot more fun when you connect with the people that read your stuff. To know that strangers appreciate what you write is kind of cool. I now know that I'm funny because this blog wouldn't exist if I wasn't. I have all of you to thank for that. I'm going to end it here.......no here.