Monday, August 19, 2019

Disney Princess Jobs

Have you ever wondered what a princess would do if they had to get a real job? Now you don't have to think. I figured out which job each Disney Princess would have if she couldn't be a princess anymore.

I did Google Disney Princesses because I couldn't remember them all. A few sites claim that there are 14. I know that Mulan isn't technically a princess but just go with me here.

Ariel (The Little Mermaid) - Aquarium Tour Guide and moonlights as a Stripper. Her costume is mermaid themed. Who wouldn't love to see an authentic clam shell bra?

Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) - Zookeeper. For her love of animals.

Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs) - Aide at an old folk's home. She has already worked and lived with a bunch of old men.

Cinderella (Cinderella)- I know you are probably thinking maid but I am going with Fashion Designer. She designs the clothes and her animal labor makes them.

Rapunzel (Rapunzel) - She would make a great Interior Decorator. How many times do you think she rearranged her room being locked in that tower for so long?

Jasmine (Aladdin) - Lion Tamer at the circus. I know she had a pet tiger but I figure a big cat is a big car.

Mulan (Mulan) - Some will argue that she is not a princess but when I Googled Disney princesses her name came up. She would be a fantastic Secret Agent.

Moana (Moana) - Cruise Ship Captain. Maybe she would start off as Activities Director and work her way up.

Belle (Beauty and the Beast)- Librarian. She loves books, not much else needs to be said.

Pocohontas (Pocohontas) - Campground Manager. She is very outdoorsy.

Tiana (Princes and the Frog) - Restaurant owner. She wanted to own a restaurant. Now she can.

Merida (Brave)- Owner of a chain of shooting ranges specializing in archery.

Elsa (Frozen)- Ice Sculptress  for weddings or Zamboni Driver

Anna (Frozen)- Elsa's Booking Agent.

Friday, August 16, 2019

Presidential High School Nicknames

George Washington - "Boy George"

Abraham Lincoln - "Tall Drink of Water"

John F. Kennedy - "All brains"

Richard Nixon - "Just Dick"

Bill Clinton - "The beaver snatcher"

Barack Obama - "Black and white cookie"

Gerald Ford - "Hey you"

Thomas Jefferson - "T-Dog"

George W. Bush - "Snooki"

Ronald Reagan - "The next Pauly Shore"

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

Failed state slogans

New Jersey

The Garden State. Yeah Gardens are what people think of when they drive through Jersey.

Do you smell that?
We apologize for The Jersey Shore.
Now with less medical waste at the beach!


Big Sky Country. How can the sky be bigger?

Every house comes with a free 27 acres of land.
I bet you forgot we were a state.
We have one Walmart and it's a 3 hour drive from everywhere.


The Sunshine State. I have been to plenty of other states that had sunshine.

Bring us your old people.
The penis of the USA.
Disney World is overrated but you're gonna come anyway.


Sweet Home Alabama. Heart of Dixie. You are not allowed to have more than one slogan!

No, Deliverance was not filmed here.
Come to Alabama, we will show you our Dixie.
More cousin weddings than Arkansas and Kentucky combined!


More than you can imagine. You reeeaallly don't want to know what I can imagine.

Not Merry-Land, Mar-eh-land
Home of the .....?
We are pretty tight with Delaware.

Monday, August 12, 2019

Interview with E.T.

I finally did it. I killed James Lipton. Inside the Actor's Studio is now my show. Don't bother trying to find his body. I gave it to Hannibal Lecter to dispose of it properly. Now that I got that announcement out of the way, we can move on to the show.

Today our special guest is E.T. You might know him from his role in the 1980's hit movie, E.T. The Extra Terrestrial He can also be seen hanging out with Drew Barrymore a lot. Occasionally you may see him with Corey Feldman. Let's get on with the interview.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man) - Thank you E.T. for coming on the show today. I am glad you could fit us into your busy schedule.
E.T. - Yeah, it's tight, but that's how I like it.
PTM - I can see where this interview is headed already. How much of the Stephen Spielberg movie is based on true events?
E.T. - What movie?
PTM - I am not prepared to open that can of worms. I will have to have a one on one with Drew later. So, what is Drew Barrymore really like?
E.T. - She's all grown up now, hot as ever. Between us guys, though, she's dumb as my doorknob and twice as loose.
PTM - Are you referring to an actual doorknob or your penis? And I thought you liked it tight? Never mind, I don't want to know. Which Golden Girls character is your favorite and why?
E.T. - Estelle Getty because of the tightness factor.
PTM - I guess that answers my previous question. Betty White is my gal, bigger rack. Where do you shop to find clothes that fit?
E.T. - Pee Wee Plus Sizes for the Short and Thick
PTM -  Must be an online only store, I have never heard of it. Are you dating anyone right now?
E.T. - Yeah, Drew and I are still dating. It's an open relationship. Punky Brewster's a side dish, along with all of the Bachelorette rejects. 
PTM - I call her Soleil Moon Frye. The restraining order states I can't call her Punky Brewster anymore. I heard a rumor that you haven't spoken to Elliot in 5 years. What happened?
E.T. -  He didn't invite me to his Bar Mitzvah, and that really hurt. But he eventually apologized, gave me a phone and lots of rides. *Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.*
PTM - You are one horny little alien. I would love to harness your sex drive. You were recently with Drew being interviewed by Rawkn Robyn on Life by Chocolate. I have always had a big crush on her. Since you were close enough to see, I have to ask. Are they real?
E.T. -  I once got my finger stuck in them for hours. She loved it. Yes. They're real, and they're spectacular!
PTM - I hope you get an endorsement check for that Seinfeld reference. For once and for all, what does E.T. actually stand for?
E.T. - Emerging Testicles 
PTM - That raises a lot more questions that we really don't have time for right now. What is your biggest accomplishment?
E.T. -    Bea Arthur. She's 5'10".
PTM - That picture will be burned into my brain forever. Camera man #3 is your biggest fan. He wants to know if he can buy you a drink after the show?
E.T. -  No, Betty White hates it when I'm late - or premature. 
PTM - I hope you carry lube, she must be like a desert down there. Let's turn the tables for a minute. I am going to let you ask me a few questions. I haven't done this in awhile. I am a little gun shy after what happened with Dustin Diamond. You get 3 questions.
E.T. - Briefs, boxers, or commando and why?
PTM - None of the above. I have worn Speedos since I was nine.
E.T. - What's your favorite sexual position? 
PTM - It is a toss up between the German shepherd and lazy grasshopper.
E.T. - Do you have a recommendation for loose bowels? I'm asking for a friend.
PTM - Cut down on the anal sex. Twice a month is recommended. Ask Dr. Phil. 
E.T. - *Holds up two wet thumbs*
PTM - That is all the time we have plus E.T. soiled the chair cushion twice. I knew I should have put down newspaper. See ya next time. 
E.T. -  Dope! Catch ya on the flip side. 

I would like to thank Rawkn Robyn from Life by Chocolate for playing the part of E.T. I never knew E.T. was so perverted. Rawkn Robyn is an old blogger buddy. We have done a plethora of blog posts together. It has been awhile since we collaborated but it feels damn good to work together again. Click here to check her out. 

Friday, August 9, 2019

Prequels, sequels and remakes.... maybe?

My main hobby is watching movies. Love me a good flick especially late at night when the family is already in bed snoozing. I love looking up upcoming sequels to see what potential awesome or horrendous thing Hollywood has made. Here are some prequels, sequels and remakes that probably won't happen but if we wish hard enough maybe they will.

Back to the Future: Back to the Past - A Back to the Future prequel that portrays Doc Brown as a kid getting into all sorts of trouble with his wacky invention and experiments. Maybe an older version of himself visits him to give advice about the future.

Back to the Future: Part 4 - Set in 2030, Marty has a family of his own and his son travels back in time with Doc Brown to give advice to a younger and unwise Doc Brown. The question is which film comes out first, the prequel or sequel? Mind blown!

Titanic Remake - Rose dies this time. Jack finds a door to float on that only has room for one person. The rest of the movie is exactly the same.

The Return to Shawshank - A sequel to The Shawshank Redemption. Red (Morgan Freeman) finds Andy (Tim Robbins) after getting out. Turns him into the authorities and steals all the money he took from the warden. The lesson is you can never trust a criminal. Andy goes back to Shawshank. After 10 years he escapes again but is mauled and eaten by a bear.

Jaws: The Beginning - A prequel to the classic. It tells the story on how Quint (Robert Shaw's character) tortured Jaws and his family all the time for years. Since Robert Shaw died in 1978 they will have to find another actor to play Quint. I'm thinking Channing Tatum. The original movie Jaws is simply just revenge on Quint.

Zack and Miri Make Another Porno - Zack and Miri fall on hard times again. This time Kevin Smith comes out from behind the camera and gets in on the action. Let's just say in this one there is a lot of butter.

Doom Remake - The original movie was pretty terrible. I loved the video game as a kid. Back in the day on Super NES you couldn't save your progress, you had to beat the game without stopping. So in this movie it will just be some kid playing the Doom video game all the way through with only one life.

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Phobias - Real or Crap?

You decided if these are real phobias or made up crap from the inner nether regions of my brain. 

  1. Fear of your shoelaces being untied 
  2. Fear of otters
  3. Fear of eating calamari because the suction cups on the tentacles might get stuck in your throat
  4. Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth
  5. Fear of phobias
  6. Fear of running into Carrot Top in real life
  7. Fear of tipping too much at a restaurant
  8. Fear of monsters biting your toes while you are sleeping
  9. Fear of a megalodon not being extinct
  10. Fear of opening your eyes
  11. Fear of somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you
  12. Fear of not having phone service
  13. Fear of the McRib never coming back
  14. Fear of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny having sex
  15. Fear of shadows
  16. Fear of getting an erection while going to the doctor
  17. Fear of getting bit by a Zombie
  18. Fear of running out of ketchup
  19. Fear of string
  20. Fear of wind
  21. Fear of having a baby with Snooki
  22. Fear of clowns
  23. Fear of horses dressed up as cows
  24. Fear of O.J. Simpson being innocent
  25. Fear of ghosts using your toothbrush

  1. Crap - I suffer from this on roller coasters and stuff.
  2.  Real - Lutraphobia
  3. Crap - my wife suffers from it.
  4. Real - Arachibutyrophobia
  5. True - Phobophobia
  6. Crap - That hair is very scary
  7. Crap - Before cell phones were invented when math was done in your head.
  8. Crap - We all had this as a kid and I still suffer from it.
  9. Crap - There is still one out there. Shark week wouldn't lie to me.
  10. Real - Optophobia
  11. Crap - I know it can see me.
  12. Real - Nomophobia
  13. Crap - Feels real.
  14. Crap - Just imagine it and be afraid.
  15. Real - Sciophobia
  16. Crap - Every guy's worst nightmare.
  17. Crap - May be real in the future.
  18. Crap - Always have a back-up!!!
  19. Real - Linonophobia
  20. Real - Ancraophobia
  21. Crap - I might need counseling.
  22. Real - Coulrophobia
  23. Crap - This one is my favorite.
  24. Crap - Controversial!!
  25. Crap - But ghosts don't have teeth, do they?

Monday, August 5, 2019

Claw Game Prizes

I am sure everybody has played the claw game at an arcade or pizza place or carnival or that guy's basement. The machine is usually meant for kids whose parents don't mind losing $40 for no prize. I recently built a miniature claw game from a kit that my daughter got for her birthday from Grandma. It is made of plastic and string. It took me hours to put together and I do not recommend getting one for yourself.

Any who,  this got me thinking about the prizes that are usually in these machines. Normally they are filled with stuffed animals or candy that you rarely win. I would fill the game with random weird prizes that you would win most of the time. Fun for the whole family.

Random Claw Game Prizes

Already chewed wad of gum

Anal beads

K-cup coffee pods

Brand new diaper

Naked Barbie

Very ripe banana

Single serve box of cereal


Light bulb

Frozen meatloaf

Travel sized shampoo

Jar of pickles

Set of billiard balls


Heads of stuffed animals

Live lobster

Edible underwear

Open box of condoms

Garden gnomes

Plate of mashed potatoes