Monday, May 15, 2017

How are you?

This phrase/greeting has always bothered me. How so you ask? Well, I work in a retail/customer service job and I talk to about 150 to 200 people a day. That is a lot of 'how are yous' to listen to and say. I just don't like as a society that we have replaced the simple hello/hi to an unrealistic obligation. When people say this phrase to me they could care less about how I am actually doing. They are just following the social norms. What they really mean is hi but for some reason unbeknownst to me they would rather stick me with a question to answer.

If you ask me how I am, I am not going to give you the typical 'good, how are you' response. I am going to throw you off by saying something like; I'm tired or hungry or maybe a little horny. But you don't really care how I am and frankly nor do I care how you are doing. Can't we just say 'what's up instead. It is much more low key and does not elicit an actual response to the question. You can merely just say what's up right back.

If you really want to engage in conversation maybe change up your opening. How about: How is your day going so far? or How is the family doing? or What are your plans for the weekend? or Did you get rid of that rash yet?

Over the years my mother has perfected the How are you response into one word: goodnu. Long version: Good and how are you? I am thinking she doesn't give a shit either and that is where I probably get it from. Or maybe I am just a cynical asshole.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Gyno or bank teller?

Recently I did a post on things a bank teller would say that would be weird coming from your gynecologist. Someone requested that I do it the other way so here are things a gynecologist might say that would be weird coming from your bank teller.

'You can take your pants off now'

'When was your last period?'

'After examining you, I believe you have a yeast infection'

'This might pinch a little'

'Do your breasts ever get sore?'

'Have you always had this mole?'

'Do you plan on getting pregnant anytime soon?'

'There is some blood but that is perfectly normal'

'That's herpes alright'

'Some of them do have an unpleasant odor'

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Random Thoughts and Junk

How are we growing seedless watermelons without the seeds from the watermelon to grow them? That's like women giving birth without any eggs in their ovaries. Are these watermelons being artificially inseminated?

I learned that peanuts are used in the making of dynamite. Are people that are allergic to peanuts able to handle dynamite? "No, it wasn't the dynamite that killed him, it was his peanut allergy."

If the Hulk cut off Thor's hand, could he pick up the hammer using Thor's hand? Also if Thor is holding the hammer can the Hulk pick him up?

Do you know that the average cloud weighs 1.1 million pounds? I bet you are Googling that to see if it is true. I'll wait......... blew your mind didn't it?

When is the last time someone heard a car alarm going off and thought the car was being stolen? Let's do away with the car alarm, it doesn't work.

Are the flowers that bees are pollinating consenting to being pollinated? Or is it flower rape?

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

You might hear otherwise

Things your bank teller might say that would be weird coming from your gynecologist.

- "How much does your husband come and make deposits in here?"

- "You have quite a bit of money in there"

- "I see your mother and sister in here all the time"

- "I can't accept tips"

- "Is it okay if I give your kid a lollipop?"

- "I can only take rolled coin"

- "I need to see your license before I can do that"

- "Have you heard about our credit card promotion?"

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Artichokes or wizards?

Holy crap, it has been almost a month since I posted something. I lost track of time or I have been lazy and tired. I need to search around in my bag of creativity to create something worth reading. Stay tuned for something amazing. Until then don't you love the feeling of putting on a brand new pair of socks. Isn't it like an orgasm for your feet?

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Babies suck

I had my wisdom tooth removed this week so I have been in pain and it is blocking my creative juices. Oddly enough I took off of work this week so I could do more writing but that has backfired on me. They only gave me a prescription for 8 pills to help with my pain. I might have to hit the streets in search of some heroin. I can't believe I haven't posted anything in 2 weeks. Time really does fly by. It doesn't help either that my 4 month old son gets up 56 times after we put him down for the night. Brain function is pretty low with lack of sleep. Hopefully it will get better. See ya next week.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Plucked from my brain

Every now and again a thought will enter my head and I think to myself, maybe I should share that? I would say I forget 80% of what I want to write. Most of these thoughts happen while I am driving or in the shower. Neither of which is a good time to be typing on a phone, tablet or computer.

What is up with the Star Registry program? Apparently you can name a star after someone and it only costs $59. Sorry this scam is only if you live in the United States but they might have a similar program where you live. I don't recall the U.S. owning the sky or the stars so I don't know how they are able to do this. The guy in the radio commercial sounds like Penn Jillette. What a lame present to give someone. How the fuck do you know where the star is?

"Hey, I was lazy so I named a star after you."
"Which one?"
"Umm, that one." (points randomly at the sky)
 "How much did it cost?"
"Only $59!)
"Next time just give me the money, douche."

Let's change the subject. Say you are moving into your first apartment and you bought all brand new stuff, new furniture, new utensils, new linens, new toiletries, etc. Say you bought a new pair of scissors and new set of steak knives. How do you open the packages without having a pair of scissors or knife to open it? You will never be able to tear open that thick plastic. Seems like a catch-22. You might have to knock on your neighbors door to borrow their scissors unless their scissors are still in the packaging from when they moved in. This situation could spiral out of control.

Two topics to discuss with your friends.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Questions for Sesame Street

A questionnaire sent to Sesame Street:

Why do you talk in the third person? It confuses my children.

Cookie Monster
You have no nose. How can you enjoy cookies without being able to smell them?

Big Bird
Do you regret the steroids you took when you were younger?

Oscar the Grouch
Do you poop in that trash can?

The Count
Enough with the numbers. Why don't you switch it up and sing the alphabet?

Are you in a homosexual relationship with Gonzo from the Muppets?

Is is true that tinkerbell is your 2nd cousin?

Does Ernie swallow?

Is Bert a tender lover?

Is that trunk good for a rub 'n' tug?

I hope they respond back.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Interview with my 3 month old son

I have finally decided it is time to sit my son, Little Toast, down and have a formal interview. He is only 3 months old but he has already mastered the English language.

Powdered Toast Man: Thank you son for sitting down with me and letting the blogosphere know what you're all about.
Little Toast: No problem dad, glad to share my thoughts.

PTM: Now I said that you are 3 month old but you will be 4 months old in a week. Would you rather I say that you are 3 or 4 months old?
Little Toast: Let's stick with 3 months, I don't want the ladies to think that I am too old for them.

PTM: Good thinking, you always need to impress the ladies. I know you can't really do much since you are still a baby and have no control over your arms or legs but what would you say is the favorite part of your day?
Little Toast: Sucking on mommy's titties.

PTM: We have a lot in common because that is my favorite part of the day too. Now just for your information son, those jugs were mine first. You are just renting them out for a little longer  so enjoy them while you can.
Little Toast: You jealous pop? I knew it,  you are always eye balling me when it's time for dinner. Let me suck them dry, then you can have the empty bags.

PTM: I think you are getting a little big for your britches. You better watch what you say. Let's move on. During a diaper change do you pee on purpose?
Little Toast: Most babies want you to think this is done involuntarily but we have full control. It is about the only think I can do so I take advantage when you take off the diaper. I'm aiming for your eye but I can never reach.

PTM: That is pretty fucked up Little Toast. How about I pee in your eye?
Little Toast: And how about I call CPS?

PTM: Point taken. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Little Toast: You can't come up with a more original question? How about you think outside the box for once.

PTM: Ok, no reason to get nasty. Who would you rather have sex with, Scarlett Johansson or Jessica Biel?
Little Toast: Those are both fine ass bitches but I would nail Jessica Biel. She seems like she would be easier to bang. How about you pops?

PTM: I've jerked off to Scarlett Johansson more times that I can count so that is my answer.
Little Toast: Damn, I wish I could jerk off. I can't get a hang of these arms yet.

PTM: In due time son, in due time. And once that time comes oh how magical it is. Just don't let your mother catch you.
Little Toast: I think we offended a lot of the audience. Half of them left.

PTM: They must have never seen my show before. 90% of the time the conversations leads towards boobs and jerking off.
Little Toast: You can't win them all dad.

PTM: No you can't son. Any final words? We are out of time.
Little Toast: What's a clitoris?

PTM: I will tell you in 15 years. That's our show. Have a good day. 

Come back next time when I will be interviewing The Red and Yellow M&M's. 

Monday, January 16, 2017

New Year's Top Ten Goals

  1. To stop picking my nose in the car and swiping the boogers under the seat
  2. To stop jerking off while the dog is watching me
  3. To finally ask the barista at the coffee house about her uni-brow
  4. To find out what the parents of Dick Butkus were thinking when they named him
  5. To yell out the 'N' word on a city bus just to see what happens
  6. To finally gain the courage to beat up a clown
  7. To go up to the hot girl that works at Abercrombie & Fitch, grab her big titties and run like the wind
  8. To cut a bagel perfectly in half
  9. Learn to play the bagpipes, then to never play them again
  10. Get a random game of Tag going at a gas station 


Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Back in Business

So I have decided to try and give this blogging thing another shot. I have been pretty much on hiatus since mid 2013 with a sprinkling of random posts here and there just to let you know I wasn't murdered. I don't even know who blogs anymore from back in the day (4 years ago). I guess I will have to search the interweb for some old friends.

The main reason I stopped blogging was because my daughter was born. She is 3 years old now. And those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know I now have a 3 month old son. It should be much easier to consistently blog with two kids....right?

I also finished school 2 years ago and have done nothing with my degree. I really just wanted a piece of paper in a plaque with my name on it. I still have yet to buy the plaque.

I've been married for four years now. Most of you probably don't care but there are a select few of you that were curious to know if PTM was still unavailable.

I want to keep this short seeing how only one person is going to read my first few posts. I will try and remember how to be funny and make up stupid shit like I did at one point on this blog.

See ya around folks!