Sunday, June 28, 2015

What's rolling around up there

I don't understand personalized license plates. They only make sense to the people driving that car. Most of the time it is a guessing game, trying to figure out what the letters and numbers could mean. But even if we decipher the puzzle, we still don't actually know the meaning behind it. It's like the driver is fucking with us by putting "LUV2CKS". They love to make cakes? They love two cocks? They love to cookies? We will never know.

Why did Domino's change it's name from Domino's Pizza to Domino's? So they want to say that they are more than just pizza. Can't they just say that without having to spend millions of dollars to change every sign, pizza box, napkin and merchandise. Seems like a waste of money. I don't think anyone cares.

Why are there no female breakfast cereal mascots? I remember one, the Waffle Crisp Grannies but that cereal doesn't exist anymore so it's a sausagefest out there in cereal land.

Why is it acceptable to say bye-bye or b-bye but it doesn't work with a greeting like hi-hi or h-hello? And why is it goodbye but not good hello?

I have been overwhelmed and underwhelmed but never just whelmed. Have you ever been whelmed?

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

That ol' saying

We have some sayings that have been around for awhile that we just say because we have heard them all our lives. But have you ever actually thought about what these sayings really mean and where they came from?

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink" - Are horses that dumb that they need us to lead them to the water. They are animals, I think they are fully capable of finding water on their own. And how would one forcibly make a horse drink water? I would like to see that.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too" - Why wouldn't I be able to eat my own cake? Why would someone give me cake and tell me I couldn't have any? If I get my own cake, you are damn well going to let me eat it too.

"The cat's pajamas" - If you ask someone if they liked something and they said it was the cat's pajamas, we somehow know they meant it was pretty good. Who are these people that are pajaming their cats? The world is filled with too many hoarders with 75 dead cats in their homes, we don't need people trying to put pjs on their cats too.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" - By bird do they mean penis?

"As happy as a clam" - I have conversed with many clam in my day and none of them seem that happy. Most of them come from broken homes or they are in bad relationships. The phrase should be changed to "As happy as a dog licking it's crotch."

"As easy as pie" - Eating or baking? Because they are two very different things. And I am sure that some pies are a lot harder to make than others. This saying needs to be more specific. Or maybe it was said by a mathematician and they meant easy as Pi.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Honest Corporate Slogans

What if corporate slogans had some truth to them?

Skittles - "Taste the cavities"

Hot Pockets - "Every bite is a different temperature"

Maybelline - "Maybe she is born with it, maybe it's photoshop"

Triscuits - "Every box is guaranteed to cut the roof of your mouth"

Facebook - "Keeping divorce lawyers in business"

AOL - "How are we not bankrupt by now?"

Chapstick - "You'll lose it before the tube is empty"

Digiorno - "It's obviously not delivery"

Gillette - "You keep buying them and we will keep adding more blades"

IKEA - "We add in extra parts just to fuck with you"

Pringles - "We only make the can that size so you get your hand stuck"

MTV - "If you are looking for music listen to Pandora"

WebMD  - "Convince yourself you have a disease"

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Pros and Cons: Toilet Paper

Cleans your ass
Is a good listener
Doubles as a tissue
Perfect for decorating trees with
A mummy's best friend
Used to make boobies look bigger
Was secretly involved in finding Waldo
2 ply is like rubbing a baby's bottom
TP is fun to say when in a hurry
Doesn't have much flavor
Doesn't come in other colors
That first piece is hard to start
Is always clogging your hot date's toilet
Doesn't come in 10 ply
Is wanted in 7 states for racketeering and arson
Has a longtime feud with toilet brush
Doesn't absorb like paper towel
Gave an STD to Megan Fox