Thursday, December 30, 2010

A Movie Review, You Don't Say?

Okay so it has been waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long since I have done a movie review. You are probably wondering how long. Well I will tell you if you can just sit still and stop hitting your sister. My last movie review was May 31st!!! WTF?!?! What have I been doing? I know I have seen movie since then. I am very disappointed in myself and so should you. After this post I will sit in the corner for a timeout wearing my dunce cap. I got it from Santa, it's made of sharp cheddar, mmmmm. Now let's get this wagon train a movin'.

My sister knows that I love movies so she got me super saver movie tickets for Christmas, eight of them to be exact. She also threw in some SnoCaps, Butterfinger Bites and Goobers. She buys them in bulk so she can get a discount. I think it breaks down to like $6 or $7 a ticket which is well worth it since they rape you at the theaters. Nicole and I decided (well more my decision than hers, I kind of forced her) to see True Grit. Now before I get into the juicy details I want to start with a little negative to boil your blood a little. So essentially we have free tickets to see this movie. When we get our tickets for the movie at the window the girl tells us that they are allowed to charge a surcharge for certain movies and we owed them $3 ($1.50 per ticket for those of you struggling with the math). $3 is not a lot of dinero but it is the principle of the matter. What is the point of super saver tickets if they can charge you extra fees?!?! Fucking bullshit.This girl was a bitch too. I have gotten these tickets from my sister before and I have never run into this problem. I think this girl was making it up and was pocketing the money. Now that I got that out of my system, onto the review.

First off, I love the Coen brothers. They write and direct some awesome flicks. If you haven't seen and loved The Big Lebowski than there is something wrong with you. Right Pat? If you haven't seen the trailer or commercials for True Grit then you must be living under a rock with Patrick Star. I heard from someone that it wasn't suppose to be a remake of the 1969 True Grit starring John Wayne but it appeared to me that it was with the character names and synopsis but I haven't seen the John Wayne version so I can't be sure on that. I would assume that the John Wayne version is more westerny and not modernized like this one.

The new True Grit stars Jeff Bridges (who is full of awesomesauceness), Matt Damon, Hailee Steinfeld, Josh Brolin and Barry Pepper. The simple plot of the movie is the Earth is attacked by aliens on July 4th and much of the major cities get destroyed. No, that doesn't sound right. I think that is the plot of Independence Day. Wait let me think for a second, it will come to me......(playing Jeopardy music)

Ah huh, got it! Hailee Steinfeld's character Mattie hires Rooster Cogburn (Jeff Bridges) who is a tough, drunk U.S. Marshall to track down her father's murderer. Matt Damon plays a Texas Ranger named LeBouef who helps along the way. I know exactly what you are thinking. You think they should of cast Chuck Norris as the Texas Ranger since he has Texas Ranger acting experience. Well I concur with your thoughts. As much as I like Matt Damon I think Chuck would of brought some more whoop-ass to the scene. Come to think of it he could of played all the roles and directed and worked the camera all at the same time. (See previous post to learn more about Chuck Norris).

I have never seen or heard of Hailee Steinfeld before this movie. She deserves an award for her performance. She was superb. Her and Bridges were a dynamic pair. Her character is very spunky and assertive. She can light some fires under some asses. I don't think anyone else can pull off the eye patch like Jeff Bridges, not even a real pirate. I wonder if his wife asks him to wear it in the bedroom? That has to throw off your depth perception a little bit. 'Honey, you're about 3 feet from the hole.' Jeff's performance was also amazing. Coen brothers movies always have excellent dialogue. There was just the right amount of humor in this film not too make it cheesy. I would throw in some of my favorite lines but I don't want to spoil it for you. I try to tell you as little as possible so as not to ruin anything for you. A true review you can't use.

I want to see the original John Wayne version to see how this one holds up. I'm sure I will like the new one better. I'm not a big true western fan. I like westerns that aren't really westerns if you know what I mean. If you don't, it's alright, I'm special, I took the short bus to school.

I highly recommend True Grit. You kind of don't really know what is going to happen. I give it 8 out of 10 stars. It currently stands as a 8.5 on IMDB with over 6,000 votes. How can over 6,000 people be wrong? Unless we are talking about Nazis then you have to rethink what we are discussing.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

He Told Me To Do It

I downloaded a Chuck Norris Facts app on my phone. I should do a review of my new phone, it's the Droid 2. I will work on that another day. This post is about Chuck Norris. He might get angry that I started a post about him and didn't finish. I wanted to share some of the crazy facts on this app. I found them funny. Tell me what you think of them.

Disclaimer: Some of you might have heard them already and some of you don't give a crap about Chuck Norris. To this I say, I don't care, read them anyway.

Chuck Norris counted to infinite twice.

Chuck Norris wipes his add with duct tape.

If you look under China it says 'Made by Chuck Norris'.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly it affects the economy.

Chuck Norris' beard can grow a mustache.

Chuck Norris beat angry birds on a rotary telephone.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands.

Chuck Norris rhymes with orange.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag the ladies, he potato sacks them.

Michael Jordan wears Air Chucks.

Chuck Norris gargles with peanut butter.

Chuck Norris planted the idea for the movie Inception.

Chuck Norris once smoked a cigarette. The cigarette got cancer.

Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris receives mail on Sundays.

Chuck Norris had sex in a semi truck. Some of his semen got infused with the seat. The truck is know known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris is the only man that can give a girl a boner.

Chuck Norris can rape you during phone sex.

As a side note, I will be starting up Trivia Corner again next week. So get those thinking caps on real tight.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Inside the Actor's Studio

Today we have a special guest in the studio. Appearing for his first interview ever, give a warm welcome for Jason Voorhees. (Very few applause, shock on everyone's face)

PTM: It is nice to have to hear Jason. Is it alright if I call you Jason or do you prefer Mr. Voorhees?
Jason: You can call me whatever you want...just don't call me late to a slaughter. I'm sorry I know that was a bad joke. But you know that I am not known for my humor.

PTM: Now Jason you have appeared as the main character in the Friday the 13th series. That must have been very lucrative for you. How have you spent your money?
 Jason: Sadly I did not spend my money wisely. While I originally had plans to invest in the stock market, I wound up spending a large portion to acquire Crystal Lake from the previous owners and perform some upkeep on a yearly basis. Even though I say "some" upkeep, the camp is damn near 100 acres, so it gets pricey. Add in the marketing and advertising to keep importing kids to this camp to slaughter every summer and then add on the payola and hush money I pay out to the local authorities to keep these killing sprees under wraps and I am in the red by year's end. Oh and don't forget my coke habit. Why do you think I wear the same clothes all of the time and live in that ghetto ass shack? I mean, I would love to get one of those new age hockey masks with the cage, but I just don't have the bread.   

PTM: Out of all the movies including the one with Freddy Kruger, which Friday the 13th is your favorite and why?
 Jason: Great question! I would have to say the 8th installment, Jason Takes Manhattan, but for selfish reasons. I have always wanted to visit New York and that was my one and only chance. The producers put me up at the Plaza, took me to Nobu and I brought the sun up at Marquee with my co-star Dansen Jaggett, who is a bit of freak if you know what I mean,
PTM: What was the deal with Jason X? Were you in desperate need of some cash? I mean my 90 year old grandmother could of made a better script.
 Jason: Well Mr. Toast Man, after The Final Friday in '93, I hit a rough patch in my life. In Hollywood, if you are out of sight, you are out of mind. People stopped talking about me and stopped dressing like me for Halloween. And then that asshole Kevin Williamson made Scream , which established a new horror icon in Ghostface and left me as an afterthought. I missed the attention and all of the parties that go along with it. So I fell in with some bad people and turned to drugs and booze as a full-time hobby. And that can be very costly for someone like me who can never die. I can have a fatal overdose and be back on the horse 20 minutes later. Money was tight when the creators of Jason X came around to offer me the gig. I didn't read the script at all and mailed in my performance. But imagine my disappointment when I found out we really weren't going into outer space. Talk about FAIL.

PTM: Out of these 3 females who would you fuck, marry and kill? Kathy Griffin, Sarah Silverman and Martha Washington.
 Jason: Silverman, Washington, Griffin. Silverman is the hottest so that's a no-brainer and Washington looks a lot like my mother...and you know I am a major mama's boy. So I'd kill Griffin by default...but can you kill something that's already dead? Or should I say someone with a dead career?

PTM: Do you have any plans to settle down, marry and have some kids?
 Jason: Unfortunately I have no dick. It fell off permanently when I was blown apart in Jason X. Just kidding! No I don't want a wife or kids to cramp my style. I am all about the party and banging chicks anyways. Like the great Aldous Snow once said, "I want to get lost in fuck." Wait can I say fuck?
PTM: Sure you can. We don't censor here at Just the Cheese. The only exceptions are Justin Bieber and Philadelphia Eagles fans. I'm going to play psychiatrist for a minute now. Why do you feel it necessary to hide behind a mask?
 Jason: Have you seen my face? It looks like vomit from a cat who ate a diseased rabbit and a whole can of cranberry sauce. More importantly, it really turns off the ladies.

PTM: What is your favorite board game?   
Jason: Clue. But people hate playing it with me. I don't get the whole cat-and-mouse hush-hush deal with the game. I am very vocal and tell other players straight off the bat that I killed everyone in the house with my machete. What are they gonna do about it? I will "slash a bitch" if someone steps to me. Oh and I like Chutes and Ladders too.

PTM: How do you think you would do in a fight against Warwick Davis as the Leprechaun?
 Jason: Haha that's a joke right? Leprechaun is the Church's Chicken of horror film icons. contest.

PTM: Do you miss your mom? I hear that you kept her decapitated head, is this just a rumor?
 Jason: Yes it's true and I sleep with it every night. I get emotional when I talk about it, but my mom never put up with anyone's shit and always had my back. That mentality got her head cut off and I felt so guilty. If I was just a little older, her and I would be the best man-woman killing team since Bonnie and Clyde. I love my mommy!

PTM: Have you ever visited The Man Cave blog formerly Enter the Man-Cave? If so, what do you think of Geof?
Jason: Ugh. That P.O.S. site? It is about as lifeless as my skin. And yeah I know Geof. He's a talentless hack who can't spell the name Jeff correctly. Don't hang out with him if you want to live long because he's a worse animal then me. And tell him that he still owes me that boat he lost to me in our card game.

PTM: That is all the time we have for today. I want to thank Jason for stopping by and giving us insight into the mind of a psychopath. I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight.

I want to thank Geof from The Man Cave for playing the part of Jason Voorhees. Make sure you stop by his blog and say hi.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Monday Minute: I'm Hosting for a 2nd Time

Cristy over at 'Is There a Doctor in the House?' has been abducted by aliens this week so she asked me to host the Monday Minute for today. I'm sure the aliens are just going to probe her a few times and have her back for next week's Monday Minute. But for now I'm in charge so no chewing gum and keep your hands to yourself (that especially goes for you RawknRobyn and Invisible Seductress).

Seeing how I don't always participate every week, nor do I read every Monday Minute, my questions might be a repeat. If they are, well tough noogies. If you really have a problem you can write a well informed letter to your congressman. If you don't know who your congressman is then ask your neighbor. Okay enough with the chit chat, let's get down to brass tax.


1) If you could invent a new animal, what two animals would you combine to create a new one? And what would be it's name?

2) What is your least favorite sexual position?

3) If you could ask Abraham Lincoln one question, what would it be?

4) Would you rather be allergic to bacon or not be able to bathe for 6 months?

5) Which would you rather have as a pet; penguin or giraffe? and why?

My Answers (not to sway your answers at all):

1) Hillary Clinton + Rosie O'Donnell = The Lesbot.

2) Either upside-down lumberjack or swinging python.

3) Did you shave the mustache because it tickled Mary Todd?

4) I can live as a pig while eating some strip o' pig.

5) This is a trick question. The answer is Chuck Norris.

Now link up or leave your answers in a comment.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Weird Laws: Part 11

Here is another dose of weird laws of the United States. I know you love them.


In Rocky Hill it is illegal for any public place to have more than four amusement devices. WTF is an amusement device?!? That could mean anything from Go-Karts to a dildo.

In Southington it is illegal to possess silly string. Because kids mistake it for whipped cream?


It is illegal for drive-in movie theaters to show R-rated movies. Dammit, when I'm having sex in the car I would like to be watching sex on the screen.

On Rehoboth Beach it is illegal to change your clothes inside your car. Does changing my socks count?


All doors on public buildings must open outward. It just confuses people otherwise.

The state constitution mandates that pregnant pigs must not be kept in cages. I heard that Miss Piggy go this mandate passed with some support from Kermit and Gonzo.


In Athens-Clarke County it is illegal to sell two beers for the price of one. What about one beer for the price of two? Or eight beers for the price of one?

In Athens-Clarke County it is illegal for anyone under the age of 16 to use any amusement machine (for example pinball) after 11 p.m. See now this law gives an example of amusement machine.


Most billboards are illegal. That is pretty vague. I bet they allow children to smoke on their billboards.


In Eagle it is illegal to camp or sleep overnight on public property. Where will all the hobos go?

In Eagle it is illegal to sweep any debris into the streets. They said nothing about mopping or brooming it into the streets.

If you want to see the other 10 weird law posts just type in 'weird laws' in the search box on the top of the page. Enjoy!

Monday, December 13, 2010

What Do We Really Know About This Frosty Character?

What is the deal with Frosty the Snowman? Have you ever actually listened to the lyrics or thought about him at all? I have some questions and concerns about Mr. Frosty. If you are somehow not familiar here are the lyrics and his likeness.

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal.
Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale, they say,
He was made of snow but the children
Know how he came to life one day.
There must have been some magic in that
Old silk hat they found.
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around.
O, Frosty the snowman
Was alive as he could be,
And the children say he could laugh
And play just the same as you and me.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Frosty go.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Over the hills of snow.

Frosty the snowman knew
The sun was hot that day,
So he said, "Let's run and
We'll have some fun
Now before I melt away."
Down to the village,
With a broomstick in his hand,
Running here and there all
Around the square saying,
Catch me if you can.
He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop.
And he only paused a moment when
He heard him holler "Stop!"
For Frosty the snow man
Had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye saying,
"Don't you cry,
I'll be back again some day."
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Frosty go.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Over the hills of snow

First off, I think the song needs to be updated. Where are kids finding coal nowadays to use for his eyes? And was it safe for kids back then to be playing with coal?
Isn't him having a corn cob pipe sending the wrong message to kids? What does he need it for? He is smoking one of two things; tobacco or marijuana. Shame on you Frosty for trying to influence our innocent children.
What in the hell does he need a broomstick for? Does he moonlight as a janitor? Is he a neat freak?
Be honest, if you made a snowman and he came to life and started to dance around, wouldn't you freak out and run home to your mom and dad? That is a little frightening. I would not be all excited and follow this strange dude into town. Stranger Danger, Stranger Danger!!!
How come he gets arms and legs if he's a snowman? I don't think the kids added those limbs on him.
Is he anatomically correct?

Can anybody answer these questions??

Friday, December 10, 2010

This Post Contains no Artificial Sweetners

So I inadvertently took a week off from blogging. I had a lot of homework at the beginning of the week and then just forgot to post anything. I apologize for not reading any of your blogs. School and real life come first unfortunately. I have plenty of things to write about just not as much free time to write them. I will hopefully work on them this weekend. I think I might have said that last week in which case I I just got home from work and I am too tired to be creative right now. I will leave you with three Youtube videos I just saw. You have probably already seen them but ya never know. Enjoy and have a super spectacular weekend filled with gum drops and hookers.

Friday, December 3, 2010

What is Santa up to now?

I kind of slacked on the blogging this week. I had a lot of homework to do. Hopefully it will pick up next week. Now go check me out at Life by Chocolate where I am involved in the Mr. and Mrs. Claus divorce scandal. If you want to know more click HERE.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Monday Minute & Shocking News

Go check out Is There A Doctor In The House? for the questions.

(1) What's your favorite fast food establishment?

There is this guy by my childhood elementary school that makes some great enchiladas out of the trunk of his car. You can get 5 for 87 cents. He also has candy but he says the candy is only for the kids....lucky kids. 

(2) What's your favorite sport to watch on TV?  

This is a toss up between Jerry Springer and Martha Stewart

(3) Do you like mushrooms and onions?  

Who wants to know? I think that is a very intrusive and personal question. I might have to contact my lawyer.

(4) If you had to get a tattoo tomorrow, what would you get done?

I would definitely get my blog URL smack dab on my forehead. That or Regis Philbin's face on my lower back.

(5) What are your thoughts on the female proposing marriage to the male?

I would only accept if I got to wear the engagement ring. I love shiny things!! 

Did you hear?!?! Santa and Mrs. Claus might get a divorce! RawknRobyn has the scoop. Head over to Life By Chocolate to read the shocking scandal. Click HERE.

Monday, November 22, 2010

My ipod might be lying to me

I have an app on my ipod called 'Cool Facts'. I find these so called facts very interesting and I'm also skeptical of them but what the hell do I know. Would Steve Jobs lie to me? Here are some random ones I picked. Do you think they are all true?

63 feet of wire is required to make a Slinky toy.

"101 Dalmatians" and "Peter Pan" are the only Disney animations in which both of a character's parents are present and don't die during the movie.

Cher's last name was Sarkissian, she changed it because no one could pronounce it and it would not be accepted in show business.

The honeybee kills more people worldwide than all the poisonous snakes combined.

85% of all Valentine's Day cards are purchases by women.

Most Greyhounds are universal blood donors and are used to provide extra blood during another dog's surgery.

Gutzon Borgium, the sculptor of the four Presidents on Mount Rushmore, died a few months before the project was completed. It took him 14 years.

A human's scent membrane in the nose is about the size of a postage stamp. A dog's is about the size of a handkerchief. 

The first TONKA truck was made in 1947.

Holland has the densest population per square mile of any nation in the world.

The DNA of humans is closer to a rat than a cat.

The Atlantic Ocean is saltier than the Pacific Ocean.

When gentlemen in medieval Japan wished to seal an agreement, they urinated together, crisscrossing their streams of urine.

In other blog related news, Mr. Peanut beat Mr. Monopoly in their battle on November 12th. He only won by one little vote. If you missed that post for some reason which you can't explain and will make up a ridiculous excuse in two minutes, click HERE.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

There is a duck in there somewhere

 A week and a half ago on November 5th was our 3 year anniversary (Nicole and I). It also marked our one year anniversary of being engaged. The past year has just flown by. It feels like I just proposed the other day. I knew that if I didn't plan something special that I would be in trouble. Since we don't live together yet it is difficult to plan a romantic evening. I also didn't want to go to any ol' restaurant that we have been do 38 times already. I chose a restaurant that we have only been to once before (for my birthday last year, I would of blogged about this restaurant then but I didn't start my blog until after my birthday). I made reservations at The Melting Pot. It's a dining establishment where you get to cook your own lobster at your table. No, no, no, that sounds barbaric. It is actually a fondue place.

Last year there were 8 of us with only 2 fondue pots at the table so it seemed a little crowded. I figured it would make for a better experience if it was just the two of us (cue "Just the Two of Us" by Dr. Evil). And like most of the time, I was right. They seated us at Lover's Row which was a little booth with a table and ell shaped seating where you are forced with cuddle with your partner. It was very romantic. The lights were dimmed in that section and there was a single candle on the table with an anniversary card from the restaurant signed by the staff. Nice touch Melting Pot, way to earn your tips.

I'm not going to lie, the menu is a bit pricey but it's not one of those places you would go all the time anyway. We went all out and got the four course meal, cheese fondue, salads, main course and chocolate fondue. We chose the cheddar fondue with had some Swiss and other spices. That was served with apples, bread and veggies for dipping. Boy do I love me some cheese. The salads were very flavorful and delicious. For our main course fondue we had a Caribbean style oil. Nicole got the filet mignon while I chose an assortment of meat. My dish came with pork, chicken, shrimp, teriyaki steak, duck and pot stickers. The meat is served raw and your job is to throw it on a fondue fork and cook it the way you want it. Cooking time is very minimal, only need 2 minutes per slice of meat. Accompanying our dishes were more veggies (potatoes, mushrooms, broccoli, asparagus and peppers) and 5 dipping sauces (curry, ginger, teriyaki, cream cheese and some other white one).

With it only being the two of us it was a lot less crowded in the fondue pot and cooking time was quick. When it was the 8 of us last year it took forever to cook our food. I wasn't too thrilled with the duck, it had a ginger glaze and I'm not a big fan of ginger. However the teriyaki steak was delicious, I wish I had more of that. We were both pretty much full after our main course but we had to make a little room for dessert. How often do we get to eat chocolate fondue? We chose the flaming turtle which is milk chocolate, caramel and chopped pecans which was flambeed right in front of us. It was a pretty cool sight and I wish I had a picture to show you but Nicole was too slow with the camera.

For dippers we had strawberries, marshmallows coated in chocolate, cheesecake, brownies, bananas and sesame chicken....... there was no chicken (just seeing if you are still paying attention). More chocolate fondue please!!! We should of started with that. We had a tough time deciding on what chocolate fondue to get. There are so many tasty looking choices.

I recommend The Melting Pot for 2 to 4 people, any more and it seems a bit crowded. It's perfect for two people. It is definitely a different dining experience. Getting to cook your food at your table is fun and it leaves a lot of room for talking. The night doesn't go by so fast. Oh I forgot one of the best things I had. Order up a Love Martini, it is so yummy. It might be a girly drink but I don't care. It has peach schnapps, coconut rum, cranberry juice and fresh strawberries. Our bill came to about $125 including tip. At least try it once and see what you think, it may not be for everybody.

We also did something the next day for our anniversary which I will save for another post cuz this one is way too long already. I also have to talk about our anniversary presents next time. Could it be a real live pony or a banjo perhaps?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

I Got Good News and Gooder-er News

The good news is that this blog has 100 fewer calories and 4 grams less fat, so take a few extra bites if you want. The gooder-er news is that I am guest posting over at THE INVISIBLE SEDUCTRESS today along with another blogger buddy, RawknRobyn. You will laugh, you will cry, you will hopefully pee your pants a little. The topic at hand is the controversy regarding Pluto and Goofy. Want to know more? Hop on over there by clicking HERE or HERE but not HERE.

If for some reason you are too lazy to click on a link then scroll back a post and read my Monday Minute.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Monday Minute: My Turn

Cristy over at Is There  Doctor in the House? is letting me host the Monday Minute this week. She put out an open invitation in her last post asking if anyone wanted to come up with questions and I jumped on the chance. All the questions you see here are from my own noggin'.

My Questions:

1) Would you rather be stuck on a bumpy roller coaster while having to pee extremely bad OR be stuck on a crowded elevator with really bad gas with co-workers?

2) What is the one thing you miss most from your childhood?

3) If aliens exist, what do you think they look like? (describe)

4) Would you rather discuss your body weight or your salary with people that you know?

5) If you were stuck in a predicament like in the movie Alive, could you revert to cannibalism? If so, how would you feel about eating your deceased friends and family?

6) People that are born blind, what do they dream about? Sounds?

My Answers:

1) I would have to pick the elevator. I would be afraid that my bladder might explode on the roller coaster plus I like the smell of my own farts (they smell like a spring meadow).

2) I miss my imaginary friend Gordon. He was attacked and killed by a swan.

3) They have Tom Arnold's head, Roseanne Barr's body before the plastic surgery and the voice of Fran Drescher.

4) They are both the same number, 185, blogging doesn't bring home the bacon.

5) I wish my family was a little chubbier, I'm not going to get much meat from them.

6) All they dream about is James Earl Jones' voice when he played Mufasa in The Lion King.

If you want to participate either link up to your own blog with the answers in a post or leave them in a comment. Make sure you go visit Cristy's blog to show the real hostess some love.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Mr. Peanut vs Mr. Monopoly

It's about time we decide which lovable character looks better in a cane and top hat. I list some pros and cons about each of them and then you decide who is better based on whatever criteria you want to use.



  •  Is the mascot for an entire company
  • Uses his cane to rescue kittens from trees
  • Knows how to rock a monocle
  • Can speak 11 different languages
  • Has never cheated on a test
  • Was once the mayor of Fargo, North Dakota
  • He tastes delicious

  • He has high blood pressure from all the salt
  • Carries around pornography under his hat
  • Never learned how to ride a bike
  • Sexual harasses women, men, plants and goldfish, especially at work
  • Can't grow facial hair
  • Has battled with bulimia most of his life
  • He doesn't actually need the cane, he is not handicapped, only pretending to be



  • Sports a sexy mustache
  • Can recite the alphabet backwards while gargling milk
  • Owns the rights to the best selling board game
  • Still has all his own teeth
  • Had sex with Marilyn Monroe before JFK
  • He is the 14th richest man in the world
  • Gives blood every month

  • Never washes his hands after using the bathroom
  • He beat up Wilfred Brimley for no good reason
  • He smells like pickles and burnt toast
  • Gave Marilyn Monroe an STD
  • Hasn't made monopoly 3D yet
  • Trips people with his cane for fun
  • Has never seen the movie E.T. the Extra Terrestrial

Time to vote for your favorite cane-wielding-top-hat-wearing character. All the votes will be counted 3 times for accuracy. Absentee ballots for those of you in space are not being accepted at this time.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Urinal Etiquette

This post is from the beginning of the year. I don't think anyone read it. I will have a fresh new post for tomorrow or Friday. Enjoy!

Do women know about urinal etiquette? Does every guy know all the rules? I have this game on my ipod touch called the urinal test. It is a pretty silly game but it's fun and gets lots of laughs. Basically there are 7 urinals and some of them are occupied, which one should you take? The basic idea is that the distance between users should be maximized, at the same time minimizing a newcomer's chance of getting too close.
Every guy has been faced with a predicament where he has to choose which urinal to do his business at. I hate it when the urinals don't have the dividers between them and you hope the guy next to you isn't staring at your junk. I also hate when the only urinal available is the low one made for little kids and hobbits. And what is with the ones that go all the way to the floor? I'm not a big fan of peeing on my shoes. You also have to watch out for the random splatter affect that boggles the minds of scientists. You will start peeing and all of a sudden it mysteriously shoots back at you.
The number one urinal rule is: if I'm holding my dick don't talk to me. That's a big no-no. For some reason some of you guys out there think it's okay to make idle chitchat at the urinal but you are incorrect. The only acceptable time is when you are both washing your hands and/or drying them. Please follow all rules of urinal etiquette. You will not be asked a second time.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Monday Minute: Episode 46

(1) What's for dinner tonight?
A box of Cheez-It's, 12 marshmallows, 3 boiled slugs, crumbs from the bottom of the toaster and a glass of hot sauce.
(2) Have you ever been stung by a bee or a wasp?
No, but I was once stung by a rhinoceros.
(3) What time do you go to sleep every evening?
Zombies don't sleep.
(4) What's your favorite ice cream flavor?
Porcupine quill swirl.
(5) If you could have one power, what would it be?
Never have to pee or poop ever again. 

Make sure you go check out the new Man-Cave. Geof relaunched his blog. He ditched the "Enter" and now it is just The Man-Cave. Go check it out HERE.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

New Game Show

Welcome to the Celebrity Marriage Game Show. I ask a celebrity couple that has been married at least a few years some questions to test how much they know about each other. With us today are Roger and Jessica Rabbit from the hit movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

PTM: Roger and Jessica, I asked both of you questions back stage. We are going to see how well you know each other. I am going to ask the questions again and you will reveal your answers. It's sort of like the newlywed game but for couples that have been married awhile. Let's get started.

PTM: Roger where did you two have your first kiss?
Roger: Oh it was j-j-just so special, I snuck in while she was performing and put something in her drink, they said it was a "sugar" pill,, she fell asleep like an angel, I sm-sm-smelled her pits and got some sugar!
Jessica: I can’t believe you said that, my bunny! (Whacking him on the head with the card) It was at the playboy mansion, remember? You had a tequila carrot shot, and I had you.

PTM: What is Jessica's favorite food?
Roger: Jessica is rather fond of the Smorgasboard restaurant in Toontown, it's all she can eat pickled platypussss, it tastes like chicken.
Jessica: (Glaring at Roger) What’s wrong with you? You know I’d do anything for your chocolate covered carrot, darling!

PTM: What is Jessica's bra size?
Roger: (holds paws out, does back flip) Rogersized!!
Jessica: My bra is a one-size-fits-all, sugar.

PTM: What is Jessica's favorite sexual position?
Roger: The neighbor recommended one that he thought she might like, I have not tried it yet, it has feathers and ju-ju bes.
Jessica: I always liked churches, ministers, and the basic missionary. Anything else confuses him. As you can tell, he’s a bit of an idiot.

PTM: If Jessica were to describe you in two words what would they be?
Roger: Pellet dropper.
Jessica: Long eared, hare brained, and sexy as any long eared, hare brained guy could be.

PTM: Who is Jessica's celebrity crush?
Roger: Some guy who's blog she reads, he's some kind of breakfast chef/superhero.
Jessica: Jack Black revs my engine. Once you go Jack.,,.well, it’s getting real hot in here, honey.

PTM: Would Jessica sleep with me for $1000?
Roger: Maybe if you were a breakfast chef/superhero? She likes to call me her "waffle toast guy" sometimes, shes s-s-so silly
Jessica: No. You’re cute for Powdered Toast and all, but I prefer to get my bunny hopping – if you know what I mean (Wink, wink).
PTM: What is the first thing that attracted you to Roger?
Jessica: His long, erect ears. I think he was excited to see me.
Roger: She loved my long erect ears

PTM: What is Roger's favorite cartoon?
Jessica: Me, silly.
Roger: Simon Says

PTM: How many licks does it take Roger to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
Jessica: Oh, we like that game! He’s fast. Roger does it in 3 licks. I do it in 2  (Wink. Wink).
Roger: I love soda and sticky tape!

PTM: Who is Roger's least favorite Spice Girl?
Jessica: Vanilla Spice. He says she isn’t a real singer.
Roger: Dirty Spice! Or was that Xtina Aguilera?  (Eyes pop out of head) Zowzerzzzz! She's beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring her down!!

PTM:: What does Roger think your best feature is?
Jessica: That’s a really hard one, really hard. (Giggle. Giggle) My buxom, supple pinkie toes.
Roger: CaZONGAS!!!!!!!!

PTM: What is Roger's favorite sexual position?
Jessica:  Yes, my Roger’s in favor of sex. He just needs to turn the GPS on first to find his way around. 
Roger: The ones where she joins me wearing a Michelin Man costume and a can of fix-a-flat. I love air!

PTM: What is Roger's biggest phobia?
Jessica: Chuck E. Cheese. Can you blame the guy?
 Roger: Anvils being dropped on me.

PTM: You two have been married over 20 years and it doesn't seem like you've ever met. I think you had one matching answer. Jessica, I think you have hypnotized Roger with your cazongas. The puddle of saliva is getting too big for the maintenance staff to keep up with. Well that's our show folks. Come back next time where we will have another celebrity couple to harass....err question.

I would like to thank RawknRobyn and Invisible Seductress for playing the parts of Jessica and Roger Rabbit. Robyn was Jessica and Seductress was Roger. Great answers ladies. Go give them some love now.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Monday Minute: Halloweenie Style

Go jump over to Is There a Doctor in the House? to join in on the fun.

What did you dress up as your first Halloween?

I dressed up as a sperm entering an egg.

What has been your favorite Halloween costume of all time?

When I was 20 I dressed up in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume from when I was like 7. It was a snug fit but I was an awesome Leonardo.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes but only because Patrick Swayze's acting is so believable.

What's your favorite holiday of the year?

It's definitely National bring your pet guinea pig to work Day. I get so excited abut that one that I almost pee my pants. 

What's your favorite fall dessert? 

Leaf Pie. The ingredients are very simple, two parts leaves, one part pie.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Mashed Potato of Thoughts

Finding time to blog regularly is difficult when you have real life stuff going on. I had Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday off from work but I spent most of it doing homework and studying for a midterm. I did go see Paranormal Activity 2 on Friday with Nicole. It was better than I expected. It wasn't a cheesy sequel just to make a sequel. It actually tied into the first one. I didn't find it as scary as the first one but Nicole was latched onto my arm and leg the whole time so you can guess what she thought.

If any of you care I am doing well in school. I have only received A's so far with what I have done. I recently just got a 97 on my Computer Information Systems test, which was the highest grade in the class. I also got an A+ on my Speech Communications midterm. Writing bullshit always gets me a good grade. Imagine if I actually put in some effort. I am not writing all this to gloat. I am just updating you on my life..... okay maybe I am gloating a little. I am also acing my Health and Conditioning class which basically consists of exercising and working out for an hour. I don't see how anyone could fail that, it's so frickin' easy.

Nicole and I recently went to check out the new gardens that they put in at Anthony's Pier Nine (the venue for our wedding). It was beautiful. Stone walls with different levels and a waterfall that has lights with different colors. We looked at some pictures of a recent wedding. The waterfall/fountain looks awesome with the different color lights. There is a big staircase that the bride walks down before she gets to the aisle. I wish I had pictures but Nicole is in charge of taking pictures and she didn't have her camera. If the inside renovation turn out anything like the new garden then we are in for a kick-ass wedding.

We have also been meeting with dj's, photographers and videographers. We found this awesome company called JimmyDee music and they also do photography and videography. They gave us a great price for all three packages. I don't think we are going to find a better deal then what they gave us. The guy we spoke to seemed like a cool dude and they come highly recommended by other people. Things are slowly coming together. Little by little we are accomplishing things. It's now less than 2 years til the big day.

I am very behind on things that I want to write about. Finding the time is difficult with working overnight, school and sleeping odd hours. Blogging isn't at the forefront of my brain because it really isn't that important. I still need to write the post about Pat Tillett and his blog. This was his prize for winning the last trivia contest. I still haven't gotten around to writing anything. Don't worry Pat, I will get to it eventually. Baygirl will be guest posting sometime in the near future. That is her prize for also winning the trivia contest. I don't know how mommy bloggers get around to blogging all the time unless they are stay-at-home moms. I will find a way to schedule some much needed blog posting and reading. Until then don't forget about me. If I haven't been commenting on your blog then you are in the same boat as everyone else. I know I am probably missing a lot of good stuff. As a random last side note, I did a speech on giraffes yesterday in class. I am not kidding.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Technology is Taking Over

Before I actually got followers I used to rant about things in my posts. I haven't done that in awhile. Usually something bothers me but by the time I want to write about it my feelings have change and I'm not pissed off anymore. Well something has bee irritating me for awhile now and it's just getting worse.


First I will admit that I do have a cell phone. I text a lot at home, I use it to check email and browse the Internet when I need too. I don't use it that much when I'm out and about. With that said, I have to say that texting has gotten way out of control. People can't put down their cell phones for one minute to do something. I will present you will some situations that bothered me.

!) People using their cell phones at the beach. Do we really need our phones at the beach? People can't enjoy the sun, sand and water without communicating it to everyone else? If you are going to the beach to talk or text on your cell the whole time, just stay home.

2) Students on their phones all through class. I'll admit that if I get bored in class I will text a little bit but it's the students that are engrossed in their phone and aren't paying attention to the professor at all. In my computer class the professor is lecturing and writing stuff on the board that will be on our next test. A lot of students in class are on Facebook on the computer and aren't writing down any notes. The girl next to me this past week was on Facebook the whole class. Why even come to class? Technology is taking over people's lives.

3) People at the gym with their cell phones. On the treadmill texting or using the leg press while texting. How about you leave the fucking phone in the car for an hour and actually workout. Are these people that important that they need their phone right by the side wherever they go? Same deal with kids in my gym class at school. After each exercise they have to check their phone and text somebody. I really hope that these kids get bad grades, they deserve that.

4) This one really boggled my mind and the guys are probably going to understand more than the women. I was in the bathroom relieving myself at the urinal when a guy comes in and is holding his manhood in one hand to pee and texting with the other hand. Seriously, this guy couldn't wait the 2 minutes to pee? It was so important to be on the phone while taking a piss? I'll admit that on occasion when I know I'm going to be in there awhile I will text while going number 2. When there isn't a magazine that's how I pass the time but never have I texted at the urinal.

5) This last one really irritated me. I was at a wake and during the pastor's sermon a woman in her 30's was texting next to me. Do people have no respect at all these days. To text at a wake, that is just wrong. It gets me thinking, there better not be anybody on their phone at my wedding ceremony. I will kick some disrespectful ass.

There is an exception with the phone usage. If people are using it for business then I can understand why they are on it so much. It's the people that use it for personal use that bug the hell out of me. And don't even get me started on people that text and drive. I hope that they get whats coming to them.

Do you hate people overusing their phones? Do you have a little story that you would like to share? I want to hear your stories in a comment.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Polling the World

As you may or may not know, I am quite the movie buff. There is a new guy at work that also considers himself a movie buff. The only problem is that he rates a lot of movies that I believe to be great as terrible. One film that I can't understand his dislike for is A Bronx Tale with Robert De Niro and  Chazz Palminteri. Everybody at work loves this movie but for some reason he did not care for it. I want to know what the blogging world thinks of this movie. There is a poll to the left on the sidebar. Please vote in terms of how much you enjoyed or disliked the film A Bronx Tale. Only vote once please and spread the word. I want to get at least 50 votes. I will shoot for 100. I am keeping the poll up for one month. Make me proud my blogger buddies.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Tongue Twisted

Here are some funny tongue twisters to amuse yourself (and others) with. Make sure you read them out loud in front of people to make them funnier. Also the rule is each time you read it you have to go faster. At least 5 times.


I slit the sheet, the sheet I sit.and on the slitted sheet I sit

I like to cut socks so I am a sock cutter  (this one is my favorite, can you guess why?)

Blunt Cut Bangs

I mix biscuits

A box of biscuits,
a box of mixed biscuits
and a biscuit mixer

I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
And I'm only plucking pheasants
'till the pheasant plucker comes.

Stupid superstition

A cheap ship trip

So how did you do? Were you able to say any of them without messing up? Which is your favorite?

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Weird Laws: Part X

Well I've gone through all the U.S. States once. How about I start from the beginning of the alphabet with some new laws, well not new but ones I haven't posted yet.


It is illegal to pretend to be a clergyman. Even for Halloween? but that's the best costume.

It is illegal to injure yourself in order to escape duty. That's a little vague. Jury duty? Military duty? Dog duty?


In Anchorage, it is illegal to carry an animal on the outside of a vehicle. But my moose looks so good strapped to the front of my car.

In Haines, it is illegal to carry a concealed slingshot unless properly licensed. Damn, that's how I killed the moose.


It is illegal to hunt camels. Are they just loose running around the desert?

It is illegal to manufacture or distribute any imitation controlled substance. They would rather you sell real cocaine and heroin.


In Little Rock it is illegal to honk your car's horn at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 p.m. WTF?!?!

In Little Rock, it is illegal to suddenly start or stop your car at any drive-in restaurant. I guess you have to throw your car in neutral and push it first.


In Chico, it is illegal to play baseball on any street, sidewalk, lane or alley. This is how stick ball was invented.

In Cathedral City it is illegal to sleep in any parked car. You can't tell me what to do Cathedral City.


In Alamosa it is illegal to urinate or defecate in public. This one actually makes sense, why is this one weird? Unless public restrooms are illegal too.

It is illegal to mutilate, deface, disfigure or injure any rocks, trees, shrubbery or wild flowers in a state park. How does one mutilate or disfigure a rock?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Cheesecake Factory Review Revisited

If you are keeping track, which you're probably not, this is my 2nd Cheesecake Factory review. If you missed the first one click here. You didn't click there did you? Why not? It's either because you read it already, you're lazy or you hate me for some reason. Was it because I bought the last Justin Bieber tickets and you didn't get to go? I'm sorry, I will bake you some chocolate chip cookies and mail them out to you asap.

Nicole, her family and I went to the Cheesecake Factory 2 Sunday's ago to celebrate her dad's retirement. This is especially good for me because her parents always treat. Nothing better than a free meal. They don't let me pay, they don't accept cash, food stamps or rubles.

I am going to try and give each food item a quick review so as not to bore you. I also want to keep your attention long enough so my band of ninjas can raid your garage and/or shed.

Appetizers: (Her dad always orders more than enough appetizers)

The Bread - Warm and heavenly. No need for butter.

Sweet Corn Fritters - I don't know how the farmers grow the corn this way but it is tasty. They came with a yellowish dipping sauce. I don't know what it was. It could of been honey mustard, liquid corn sauce or pureed crayon but it was delicious.

Nachos - You figure nachos are nachos. And you'd be right. Nothing extra special about these bad boys except they came with it's own Mariachi.

Dynamite Tempura Shrimp - I ordered these for myself cuz I'm selfish like that. They were good but didn't meet up to my expectations. The waiter made them sound orgasmic. I kept lighting the tails but they wouldn't explode. Talk about your false advertising. My lawyer is filling out the paper work for the lawsuit.

Avocado Eggrolls - I'm not a big fan of avocado but these were scrumptious. These also came with a mystery sauce. I suppose I could go to the CF website and look it up but that would ruin the mystique.

Fried Calamari - I only had one so I forget what it tasted like. They usually don't have much flavor. Do you ever get worried that the suction cups are going to stick to your throat? Do calamari have suction cups or is that just squids and octopuses?

Soup of the Day: White Cheddar Broccoli - As soon as the waiter uttered the words 'white cheddar' my taste buds screamed 'get it, get it'. Nicole wanted it too so we shared a bowl. I think they were out of bowls because they served it in a mini bathtub. I must of pissed off the cook without knowing it because it was more like broccoli broccoli soup than white cheddar broccoli. The broccoli was also chopped very fine and smothered the taste of the white cheddar. I was highly disappointed as was Nicole. 

Hungry yet?

Main Course/Entree:

Pasta Carbonara - This is what Nicole ordered. I had a few bites. It was tasty but it's hard to remember how good it was because of what I had. I vaguely remember what everyone else order and it doesn't matter cuz I didn't eat anyone else's food.

Spicy Chicken Chipotle Pasta - My meal. Here is the description straight from their menu: Honey Glazed Chicken, Asparagus, Red and Yellow Peppers, Peas, Garlic and Onion in a Spicy Chipotle Parmesan Cream Sauce. Your mouth is watering right now isn't it? And nothing you eat in the next hour with satisfy your hunger. Oh, I wish I still had leftovers. It was deeeeeeeelicious. I made sure I ate enough to satisfy my craving but that I left enough room for dessert. Also I made sure I had a good amount of leftovers. Those lasted me 2 days. I had to fight the urge not to eat it when I got home.


Chocolate Tower Truffle Cake - Nicole's brother ordered this. It looked like the Empire State Building made of chocolate. It was enormous and he ate most of it. Everyone else ordered cheesecake but I didn't sample any but my own.

Chocolate Coconut Cream Cheesecake - Coconut Cheesecake Topped with Coconut Cream Custard, all on a Chocolate Macaroon Crust. I ate every last bite (except for some cream custard) and it was delectable. And guess what? You didn't have any. Neener, neener, neener. I'm a mean son of a bitch, aren't I? I don't care that it probably had 1000 calories.

The only big downside to this dinner was that I missed the first half of the Giants game. I hope that I made you hungry, try not to slobber to much on your keyboard, saliva is hard to clean out of the keys.

Monday, October 11, 2010

It's Time to play the Weakest Link....errr Monday Minute

It has been a few weeks since I participated in a Monday Minute. I almost couldn't find who was hosting it nowadays. If you're wondering, it's Cristy from Is There a Doctor in the House?
(1) What color undies/ boxers do you have on right now?
I always blog naked so I'm not wearing any.
(2) What song have you been playing on repeat lately?
The theme song from Married with Children.
(3) What's your best personality trait?
(4) Are you a leader or a follower?
I'm the one that led all those lemmings off that cliff that time.
(5) What's your least favorite household chore?
Waxing grandma's back and knuckle hair.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Vacay: Day 6

Damn, my last vacation post was on July 30th. How did I get so far behind? I only went on vacation for a week but it's taking me forever to talk about it. I hope I can remember all the exciting events that occurred. Aha! I kind of remembered what happened. We went to this awesome go-kart place called Motor World (I think that was the name of it, it might of been Captain Ned's fast paced kart racing). This place had lots of different tracks and go-karts to ride. They had some pretty fast ones, I was whippin' around the turns. I think I can go up against Earnhardt Jr  now.

Amidst the tracks was a small section of games you would find at a fair. There was a particular one that intrigued us. There was a Russian guy with an old style bike. He had lots of prizes to win, such as a PS3, flat screen tv, remote control cars and other cool gizmos. The object was to ride this bike a distance of 8 feet without falling off and you would win. The catch was that the steering was reversed, if you turned the handlebars right, the tire turned right and vice-versa. You were given 3 tries. It seemed easy so I gave it a try. The following video is my first youtube video. Watch it all the way through. Try and listen to the Russian guy, he was very amusing.

I'm convinced if I practiced for about an hour, I could do it. He made it look so easy. I don't think we captured it on video but he brought over a girl (who I think was his sister) to show us that even a girl could do it. We watched 2 other people try to do it, they didn't have any better luck than I did. I'm going to cut this post short. I have a few other videos of that day I want to post but haven't uploaded them up to youtube yet. Also I want to do a review of the place we went for dinner. The next vacay post will be a continuation of this one.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Rare Interview

I have here today two special guests. Henry Thomas and E.T. from the classic movie E.T.: the Extra-Terrestrial are in the studio today. Henry played the main character Elliot and E.T. well played you know. I sat down with these two and asked them some questions.

PTM: Welcome fellas, glad to have you in the studio today.
Henry: No problem PTM.
E.T.: E-l-l-i-o-t
Henry: Dude, stop calling me that. That was my character's name. It's been 28 years already, it's played out. Enough is enough.
PTM: I see that there is so animosity between you two.
Henry: Sorry but he is still living in the past. I know that E.T. was a great movie but I have done a lot of other things since 1982.
E.T.: Points glowing finger at Henry.
Henry: Do not touch me with that thing. I don't know where it has been. I'm pretty sure you have alien finger herpes.
PTM: Don't you think you are being a little hard on him?
Henry: No, he does this all the time. I can't go anywhere without him acting like this.
PTM: You two are still close?
Henry: Unfortunately yes.  I ran into him on the street one day, he was homeless so I did the humane thing and let him stay with me until he got back on his feet. That was three years ago.
PTM: So E.T., why haven't you been able to get back on your feet yet?
E.T.: E.T. phone home.
PTM: Do you need to make a call? We are in the middle of our interview.
Henry: Don't play into his mind games. He likes to annoy me by slipping into his E.T. character.
PTM: Do either of you keep in touch with Drew Barrymore?
Henry: We get together a few times a year to catch up on old times and what's new. Drew has a restraining order against bozo here. He's not allowed within 250 feet of her. He got a little too touchy-feely during a cast reunion 5 years ago. It's sad really.
PTM: I never heard about any of this. They must have kept in under wraps.
Henry: Yeah, Steven Spielberg didn't want the press to catch wind of it and have his movie tarnished at all. Frankly I don't give a shit anymore. I'm tired of this bum.
PTM: E.T., do you have anything to say to Henry? He seems to have a real problem with you.
Henry: Fuck me? Why don't you go probe yourself, you piece of shit.
PTM: Whoa, watch the language, this is a family show
Henry jumps out of his chair and dropkicks E.T. to the floor.
PTM: Well that is all the time we have for our show. Tune in next time to see who we will have next.