Urinal Etiquette

This post is from the beginning of the year. I don't think anyone read it. I will have a fresh new post for tomorrow or Friday. Enjoy!


Do women know about urinal etiquette? Does every guy know all the rules? I have this game on my ipod touch called the urinal test. It is a pretty silly game but it's fun and gets lots of laughs. Basically there are 7 urinals and some of them are occupied, which one should you take? The basic idea is that the distance between users should be maximized, at the same time minimizing a newcomer's chance of getting too close.
Every guy has been faced with a predicament where he has to choose which urinal to do his business at. I hate it when the urinals don't have the dividers between them and you hope the guy next to you isn't staring at your junk. I also hate when the only urinal available is the low one made for little kids and hobbits. And what is with the ones that go all the way to the floor? I'm not a big fan of peeing on my shoes. You also have to watch out for the random splatter affect that boggles the minds of scientists. You will start peeing and all of a sudden it mysteriously shoots back at you.
The number one urinal rule is: if I'm holding my dick don't talk to me. That's a big no-no. For some reason some of you guys out there think it's okay to make idle chitchat at the urinal but you are incorrect. The only acceptable time is when you are both washing your hands and/or drying them. Please follow all rules of urinal etiquette. You will not be asked a second time.

Is it Bologna or Boloney?

I wrote this post back when I had no followers. Now I have over 100!! I hit 100 followers on Monday or Tuesday I think and forgot to mention it. Where would I be without all of you? Thanks for following 'Just the Cheese', you are all awesome in your own way. Sorry ahead of time about the language in the post, I had some built up aggression in my earlier writing.

I have never understood the English language entirely. For instance who the hell decided on the spelling of words? Was it one guy or like a board meeting type of situation where everybody gives their idea and then it's voted on? One word I never understood especially when I was younger is "colonel." What happened to the "R?" Other words like bologna, knife, phlegm and cough. Why do we need silent letters in the first place, do they help us at all in school when we are learning how to read?

Okay Timmy spell the word 'knife.' Timmy sounds it out and says N-I-F-E. No Timmy I'm sorry but there is a 'K' at the beginning. What the fuck you talking about 'K' at the beginning? It's not KA-NIFE, who put that 'K' there? You're telling me the 'K' is silent? Oh like KFUCK YOU!!

How come we don't have silent letters in our names? I'm going to add a 'Z' in my name so it's JAMZIE now, don't forget that the 'Z' is silent. I have actually thought about this before but I forgot about it until I saw a Katt Williams stand up where he does an entertaining skit involving the pronunciation of words. I kind of stole it from him but I'm sure he won't sue, I'm not getting paid like he is. Also Jim Gaffigan does a small bit about it. I love Jim Gaffigan, I think he's hilarious, he talks about the most simplest things and makes them funny like hot pockets and bacon.

Maybe 'colonel' is spelled that way because we already have 'kernel' and nobody wants to be a 'kernel' in the armed forces.

Why can't words just be spelled the way they sound? I would really like to find out the back story on the spelling of these ridiculous words. The ironic thing is that I'm a stickler for spelling words correctly. I used to edit my texts so they the words were spelled right and it would bother me if I didn't do it. I'm better now but I'm still a little anal about it. You know what is bullshit, my Microsoft Word is screwed up and I can't use spell check on it. It sucks for doing school work, I have to email it to myself and spell check it at the library or Nicole's house.

Okay I have wandered away from the subject once again but that's what makes it interesting or something along those lines. Wherever I was going with this is now gone. I might write a follow up piece if I can remember what I was talking about. "And I'm Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego."

Repost: Superhero Accesory

I am having a little creative writer's block. I have plenty of ideas for posts but my brain can't pump out anything creative or funny. So instead of not posting anything I decided to delve into my archives. I wrote this back in September of 2009 I don't think anyone read it.

The new fashion fad for next year is going to be capes. I'm starting my own cape business, now everyone can be fashionable along with magicians, superheroes and eccentric, rich old geezers. I will probably be up and running by the beginning of 2010. Here are some of my different cape ideas:

• Fireproof cape - geared towards firefighters and home safety


• Glow in the dark cape - for clubbing and night time fun


• Waterproof cape - to wear in the rain or pool


• Stain resistant cape - for clean freaks


• Mini cape - for the vertically challenged, kids or don't like full size


• Look at me cape (with lights and sounds) - for attention whores


• Floatation Device cape - in case you're on the Titanic


• Parachute cape - may come in handy


• Bib cape - for the fancy baby


• Groomsman cape - an addition to the top hat and cane


• Purse cape - with pockets so women don't need to carry a bag


• Roll-up cape - rolls up into a pouch like a hood for when you don't need it


• Blanket cape - is thicker for the colder nights


• Advertising cape - market your business


• Animal cape - a penguin would look awesome, it already has the tuxedo

I want to give partial credit to my buddy Dustin Horton for creating these brilliant ideas. We got bored on the way back from a sales conference in Pittsburgh and started talking about capes for some reason. We talked for like an hour about it in detail and were laughing hysterically. I think the monopoly guy could use a nice cape. If you have any creative cape suggestions please let me know. This is definitely going to catch on........well probably not.

Repost: Marshmallow Fluff

This was my first pros and cons post back when nobody was following me. It is one of my faves. Nippy actually helped me with this one. We were brainstorming pros and cons at work one night. For some reason the spacing and font size is all wacky and I can't seem to fix it. Oh well, enjoy it anyway.

Pros

• Very tasty snack
  

• Made of marshmallow
  

• Can fix a leaky sink
  

• Can be used as whiteout
  

• The Fluffernutter would not exist without it
  

• Good sugar high
  

• Great name for a snack food
  

• Instant Santa Claus beard
  

• Used as a good prank food like whipped cream
  

• Hide other food underneath the table with it
  

• Acts as a Nair replacement
  

• Caulk around the bathtub with it
  

• Give grandma a facial
  

• Style your hair

Cons

• A bit too sweet
  
• Way too sticky
  
• Actually I just tried and it cannot fix a leaky sink
  
• Your high friends might mistake your homework for a snack after using it as whiteout
  
• Extremely difficult to get out of the jar
  
• Might have to explain to your coworkers why it looks like you have dried semen around your mouth
  
• Terrible name for a kid
  
• Very difficult to roast over the campfire
  
• After a few days, having to deal with the smell coming from underneath the table
  
• Girlfriend kills you after using Marshmallow Nair
  
• Lots of insects in your bathtub