Wednesday, June 26, 2013

New Edition to the Family

Fantastic news!! My stubborn baby finally decided to check out of the womb. Born on Wednesday June 19th at 6:28 pm. Only 11 days late and 30 hours of labor later, Olivia Marie Scully is finally here. At 6lb 2oz and laying down at 18" long, she is the best thing to happen to me. Just look how cute she is!!

It is such a great feeling to be a daddy. I tear up every time I look at her. She is such a good baby. She has such a cute girly cry. I want her to stay like this forever. I didn't know how I would handle being a new parent but it seems to come naturally. I've already changed like 10 diapers and don't even care that I got a little poop on my one time. I can't express how happy and excited I am to have her in my life. If you are a parent I am sure you know what I am feeling.

As you probably guessed I am going to take a little sabbatical from blogging to spend time with my daughter. I will be back soon. I need to get adjusted to her schedule and learn how to function on less sleep. Enjoy the pics and see you soon. 

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Deathbed Confessions

Hillary Clinton - "I got a blow job from Monica too."

Dustin Hoffman - "Tom Cruise propositioned me on the set of Rain Man."

Jennifer Lopez - "Taco, Taco, Burrito, Burrito."

George W. Bush - "I never actually read Superfudge."

Samuel L. Jackson - "You will never know what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction, Mother Fucker."

Ryan Seacrest - "I'm overrated."

Ray Romano - "I don't think anyone really liked me."

Pamela Anderson - "At least I had big boobs."

Ozzy Osbourne - "Clean the bats out of my freezer please."

David Letterman - "I stole the top ten idea from Jay Leno."

Jon Hamm - "Fine, you can look at it but no pictures."

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Simple & Fun Question of the Week

Q: If you were shrunk to the size of a nickel, where would you go and what would you do?

Friday, June 7, 2013

Celebrity Survey

I wanted to interview a whole group of celebrities but I couldn't get all them in at one time. I did the next best thing and sent out a survery. Surprisingly a lot of them actually responded. I asked them to finish a certain question.

The movie I could watch over and over again that I star in is...

Jack Nicholson wrote: The one where I play a crazy guy.
Morgan Freeman wrote: The one where I play the President.
Nicholas Cage wrote: The one where my acting isn't so good.

When I first heard that Will Smith's movie After Earth bombed...

Jada Pinkett Smith wrote: I already have the divorce papers signed.
Tommy Lee Jones wrote: It's because it wasn't released around 4th of July.
Barack Obama wrote: I thought I was letting down the black community.

The biggest fear I have with raising kids in this world is....

Katie Holmes wrote: Scientology.
Russell Crowe wrote: There are other people like George Bush.
Dustin Diamond wrote: Having Screech as a father.

My favorite food is...

Chris Christie wrote: Deep fried whole chickens
Snooki wrote: New born babies
Larry King wrote: Brontosaurus ribs

The first person I would thank in an award acceptance speech would be...

Kanye West wrote: Kanye West
Gary Busey wrote: The flamingo that gave me acting lessons.
Charlie Sheen wrote: My drug dealer.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Inside the Actor's Studio

Once again I am filling in for James Lipton. He should really see a doctor, he is out sick quite a bit. Our special guest today is Lamp Chop from 90's show Lamp Chop's Play-Along.

PTM: Thanks for stopping by Lamb Chop. How have you been?

Lamb Chop: I'm okay, times are hard for a once famous lamb. People look at me now and whisper "that lamb was once in some kids show, now look at her." I just want people to know I have grown! It’s like Selena Gomez’s breakthrough performance in “Spring Breakers” I need that, I can be a bad little lamb.

PTM: It will be 15 years this August since Shari Lewis passed away. Have you been able to cope with her death?

Lamb Chop: It was very difficult for me, she always told me my “purity and innocence” would always bring people in, I always had to be that way with her. It was like I was living a double life, innocent little lamb by day and freaky little lamb by night. I am happy she is not here to see that, it would break her heart; the drugs, the men, the men trying to ride me when they were on drugs… complete shit storm.

PTM: I knew you had a little freak in you. Dating anyone nowadays?

Lamb Chop: Nothing serious, I am still trying to figure out what I want, I definitely swing both ways, but I am torn. Guys are always a good time of course, I mean what girl doesn't want the dick?  But they are such douche bags. Girls are more sensitive, and understanding, I have a serious girl crush on Jessica Rabbit.

PTM: What a coincidence, I have a crush on Jessica Rabbit too. I don't think she feels the same way because she has never replied to any of my letters. I heard a rumor that you have a mint jelly fetish, is this true?

Lamb Chop: Well you heard right, but its not what you think, it’s more of a fetish in the bed room …. Some people use whipped cream, I use mint jelly.

PTM: That's exactly what I was thinking. What is your biggest fear?

Lamb Chop: Tailgate parties. Drunken motherfuckers, grills, and a lamb. You do the math.

PTM: Mmm grilled lamp chops (starts salivating). Sorry, forgot who I was talking to. If Hollywood was to make a movie about you, what actress would play you?

Lamb Chop: Mmhhmmm, I am thinking Pamela Anderson makes a come back by debuting in a movie about me, the resemblance is there for sure.

PTM: I'm sure she has had a hand up her before. I have a chocolate pudding stain on my couch, what do you recommend to get it out?

Lamb Chop: Are you on drugs?

PTM: Only Viagra and Benadryl. I still have that song from your show stuck in my head. Has the person that created that song been murdered yet?

Lamb Chop: It was a children’s show you dickwad, A CHILDRENS SHOW!

PTM: Whoa, didn't know that was a touchy subject. What is your favorite cheese?

Lamp Chop: You are definitely on drugs, damn it this is what I mean, never taken seriously you took drugs for this damn interview because you thought it would make this “joke” even funnier.

PTM: I take drugs for every interview. Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Lamb Chop: Get fucked! (walks away while mumbling to herself) Damn it, my agent is going to kill me.

PTM: I guess I'm eating dinner by myself tonight. That's all the time we have today. I want to thank Lamb Chop for taking time out her day to sit down with us.

I want to especially thank my coworker Shaden for playing the part of Lamb Chop. She did an awesome job for her first guest post. She is thinking about joining the blogosphere and starting her own blog. Do you think she can bring the necessary snark?

Monday, June 3, 2013

Failed Slogans

Failed product slogans you might not remember hearing or seeing.

Isotoners - "If they are good enough for O.J., they are good enough for you"

Firestone - "Causing SUVs to roll over is in the past"

Tyson - "We choke our chickens before you eat them"

Apple - "It doesn't matter what we make because you are still going to buy it"

Jif - "May contain peanuts"

Oscar Mayer - "Do you really want to know what's in our hot dogs?"

Samsung - "Not your grandmother's television"

Ford - "We have reliable cars, we promise"

Fisher Price - "Lead paint free since 2004"

Head & Shoulders - "Your disgusting scalp is our #1 concern"

Crest - "Also removes zits"