Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Inside the Actor's Studio

Today we have a special guest in the studio. Appearing for his first interview ever, give a warm welcome for Jason Voorhees. (Very few applause, shock on everyone's face)

PTM: It is nice to have to hear Jason. Is it alright if I call you Jason or do you prefer Mr. Voorhees?
Jason: You can call me whatever you want...just don't call me late to a slaughter. I'm sorry I know that was a bad joke. But you know that I am not known for my humor.

PTM: Now Jason you have appeared as the main character in the Friday the 13th series. That must have been very lucrative for you. How have you spent your money?
 Jason: Sadly I did not spend my money wisely. While I originally had plans to invest in the stock market, I wound up spending a large portion to acquire Crystal Lake from the previous owners and perform some upkeep on a yearly basis. Even though I say "some" upkeep, the camp is damn near 100 acres, so it gets pricey. Add in the marketing and advertising to keep importing kids to this camp to slaughter every summer and then add on the payola and hush money I pay out to the local authorities to keep these killing sprees under wraps and I am in the red by year's end. Oh and don't forget my coke habit. Why do you think I wear the same clothes all of the time and live in that ghetto ass shack? I mean, I would love to get one of those new age hockey masks with the cage, but I just don't have the bread.   

PTM: Out of all the movies including the one with Freddy Kruger, which Friday the 13th is your favorite and why?
 Jason: Great question! I would have to say the 8th installment, Jason Takes Manhattan, but for selfish reasons. I have always wanted to visit New York and that was my one and only chance. The producers put me up at the Plaza, took me to Nobu and I brought the sun up at Marquee with my co-star Dansen Jaggett, who is a bit of freak if you know what I mean,
PTM: What was the deal with Jason X? Were you in desperate need of some cash? I mean my 90 year old grandmother could of made a better script.
 Jason: Well Mr. Toast Man, after The Final Friday in '93, I hit a rough patch in my life. In Hollywood, if you are out of sight, you are out of mind. People stopped talking about me and stopped dressing like me for Halloween. And then that asshole Kevin Williamson made Scream , which established a new horror icon in Ghostface and left me as an afterthought. I missed the attention and all of the parties that go along with it. So I fell in with some bad people and turned to drugs and booze as a full-time hobby. And that can be very costly for someone like me who can never die. I can have a fatal overdose and be back on the horse 20 minutes later. Money was tight when the creators of Jason X came around to offer me the gig. I didn't read the script at all and mailed in my performance. But imagine my disappointment when I found out we really weren't going into outer space. Talk about FAIL.

PTM: Out of these 3 females who would you fuck, marry and kill? Kathy Griffin, Sarah Silverman and Martha Washington.
 Jason: Silverman, Washington, Griffin. Silverman is the hottest so that's a no-brainer and Washington looks a lot like my mother...and you know I am a major mama's boy. So I'd kill Griffin by default...but can you kill something that's already dead? Or should I say someone with a dead career?

PTM: Do you have any plans to settle down, marry and have some kids?
 Jason: Unfortunately I have no dick. It fell off permanently when I was blown apart in Jason X. Just kidding! No I don't want a wife or kids to cramp my style. I am all about the party and banging chicks anyways. Like the great Aldous Snow once said, "I want to get lost in fuck." Wait can I say fuck?
PTM: Sure you can. We don't censor here at Just the Cheese. The only exceptions are Justin Bieber and Philadelphia Eagles fans. I'm going to play psychiatrist for a minute now. Why do you feel it necessary to hide behind a mask?
 Jason: Have you seen my face? It looks like vomit from a cat who ate a diseased rabbit and a whole can of cranberry sauce. More importantly, it really turns off the ladies.

PTM: What is your favorite board game?   
Jason: Clue. But people hate playing it with me. I don't get the whole cat-and-mouse hush-hush deal with the game. I am very vocal and tell other players straight off the bat that I killed everyone in the house with my machete. What are they gonna do about it? I will "slash a bitch" if someone steps to me. Oh and I like Chutes and Ladders too.

PTM: How do you think you would do in a fight against Warwick Davis as the Leprechaun?
 Jason: Haha that's a joke right? Leprechaun is the Church's Chicken of horror film icons. contest.

PTM: Do you miss your mom? I hear that you kept her decapitated head, is this just a rumor?
 Jason: Yes it's true and I sleep with it every night. I get emotional when I talk about it, but my mom never put up with anyone's shit and always had my back. That mentality got her head cut off and I felt so guilty. If I was just a little older, her and I would be the best man-woman killing team since Bonnie and Clyde. I love my mommy!

PTM: Have you ever visited The Man Cave blog formerly Enter the Man-Cave? If so, what do you think of Geof?
Jason: Ugh. That P.O.S. site? It is about as lifeless as my skin. And yeah I know Geof. He's a talentless hack who can't spell the name Jeff correctly. Don't hang out with him if you want to live long because he's a worse animal then me. And tell him that he still owes me that boat he lost to me in our card game.

PTM: That is all the time we have for today. I want to thank Jason for stopping by and giving us insight into the mind of a psychopath. I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight.

I want to thank Geof from The Man Cave for playing the part of Jason Voorhees. Make sure you stop by his blog and say hi.


Oilfield Trash said...

Awesome post.

Edlund said...

I was just thinking how much I miss the Ren and Stimpy days....

The Invisible Seductress said...

Spit out liquids reading this...;}

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Never knew Jason had a coke habit!

Pat Tillett said...

This is why we come here...
you just can't get this kind of personal stuff at IMDB or Wikipedia..

Chris 'Frog Queen' Davis said...


Cheers! said...

Geof really got into the role. You both did great. I especially liked the question and response about Jason's mother's head. xo

Cheeseboy said...

Silverman? Ugh, she is anorexic and gross.

The Man-Cave said...

Boo-hoo Jason! Another success that flamed out and spent his money unwisely. I would've loved to hear his thought on the remake.