Barker Beauty Interview

I'm not sure if it is publicly known but Bob Barker from the daytime game show The Price is Right was involved in many sexual harassment lawsuits with the women that he worked with. They were ironically called The Barker Beauties. The lawsuits were kept very hush-hush and not much information was known, until now. I have with me today one of Barker's Beauties who is going to sit down and do an exclusive first time interview with me here on 'Just the Cheese'. Please welcome to the stage Ivonna Bangkok.

PTM: I am so glad that you picked this blog to do your first interview on. I am truly honored. How are you feeling today?

Ivonna: Rich. Oh...please edit that out. Where is the buffet I was promised?

PTM: How long did you work on The Price is Right?

Ivonna: What? Oh that, hmmm....I'm not supposed to discuss it, but long enough to get a reputation.

PTM: What were some of the names that Bob called you?

Ivonna: God...as in Oh mostly, which is better then being referred to as a Barker. I'll tell you something that's not well known, everyone thinks we got called that because it's his name but it's actually more about his favorite position. And the fact that he liked us to bark when he was doing it. But please don't ask about the dog collar...although I think there might be pictures on a website somewhere.

PTM: Were you intimately involved with any of the other girls on the show?

Ivonna: Well yes, but then sometimes Bob needed a rest.

PTM: What do you think of these abs? (lifts up shirt and points at abs)

Ivonna: Are you doing anything later?

PTM: Would it be all right if I asked what your favorite sexual position is?

Ivonna: I like them all, but of course there is one that will always remind me of Bob. Would you like me to show you? 

PTM: There was a rumor going around that Bob has a penile implant, can you comment on that?

Ivonna: Yes, the surgeon did a great job - you really wouldn't know it used to be a vagina.

PTM: Did Bob and Rod Roddy, may he rest in peace, ever gang up on you?

Ivonna: Only on public holidays....and once on my birthday.

PTM: Your son looks an awful lot like Bob, could he be the father?

Ivonna: I beg your pardon? I have a daughter.

PTM: You know, I have a jacuzzi in my dressing room. How about you meet me in there after the show? I'll bring the bubble bath.

Ivonna: As long as the price is right, just be sure and bring those abs.

PTM: Don't forget you signed that waiver before the show so you can't sue me for sexual harassment. I'm smarter than Bob. Last question then we are out of time. What is your favorite Price is Right game?

Ivonna: The ones the censors wouldn't let you see. And I'll be the one doing the harassment but don't be thinking you can sue me, it's not like I have any money. I spent it on these (lifts top and points at massive tits). 

How much am I getting paid for doing this? 

PTM: We can discuss that in the jacuzzi. That's all the time we have today. Thanks for watching and tune in next time when we will have Bob Barker to tell his side of the story. (looks at producer) What's that? We couldn't get Bob? The best we could do is Drew Carey?  No, no, I will not stand for this. I will call Bob personally. Drew is a douche. See you next time folks.

I would like to thank Dirtycowgirl for playing the part of Ivonna. It was her first time guest posting on JTC and she did an awesome job. Anyone that goes and gives her some blog love will get a free T-shirt. Click HERE to visit Left Alone With A Full Moon.

Interview With a Legend

With us today is a very well known and respected female figure. Please give a warm welcome to the one and only Miss Piggy.

PTM: Thank you for sitting down with us today. It is nice to finally meet you.

Miss Piggy: I know!

PTM: Are you excited about the new Muppets movie coming out?

Miss Piggy: You mean the one I'LL be starring in? Of course! I'm drunk. You're exciting....

PTM: I heard a rumor that you and Kermit were having some marital problems. Something about an affair with Fozzie. Is any of that true?

Miss Piggy: Next question.

PTM: Have you ever eaten bacon?

Miss Piggy: I have. Problem?

PTM: Who is your celebrity crush and what would you do if you met them?

Miss Piggy: Taylor Lautner. everything I would do to him is probably illegal and not just because I'm an animal (winks)

PTM: You have had a very successful career, what do you think you will be doing 10 years from now?

Miss Piggy: Justin Bieber.

PTM: Ok, my director is telling me that a stage hand found a pile of feces in your dressing room. I knew you were a pig, but come on. You couldn’t use the toilet?

Miss Piggy: That's not mine.....OKAY! OKAY! I'm DRUNK. Shit happens!

PTM: Is it true that a few years ago Gonzo was in rehab for 2 months for a coke problem?

Miss Piggy: Yes. But seeing as this questionnaire is about your truly (bats eyes) we could talk about MY coke pro...I mean......(smiles)

PTM: We only have a few more minutes so I’m going to take a question or two from the audience. You, in the front in the Goonies shirt. What is your question?

Audience Member: Can any of the Muppet Babies understand Beaker?

Miss Piggy: When we're under the influence. 

PTM: Last question, you, the guy that looks like Santa Claus.

Audience Member: Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants but when he comes out of the shower he wraps a towel around his waist. What’s up with that?

Miss Piggy: That might be due to the time he got arrested for coke. Despite Gonzo's warnings, Donald dropped the soap multiple times. I personally think he enjoyed it.....

PTM: Thank you Miss Piggy for stopping by.

I want to thank my friend Johana for playing the part of Miss Piggy.

Inside the Actor's Studio

I am filling in for the regular host James Lipton, he is out with a really bad case of diarrhea. I was given some disturbing details about it but I won't share that with you. We have a special guest with us today. Don't we always have a special guest? Why would I have a regular person on here that no one knows? I'm getting sidetracked. Please welcome to the stage, the one and only, Betty White.

PTM: Thanks you for joining us today Betty. I know that you are very busy these days.

Betty: Oh yes, very busy these days. You know, PTM, on top of my busy acting career I've taken up nude modeling. There will be an exclusive centerfold debuting in Playboy next month!

PTM: I need to get this off my chest. I have always had a crush on you. You are my favorite Golden Girl. Even at 89 years old I would still bend you over a table. Are you still sexually active?

Betty: Well, of course I am. That's a silly question. And I must say, you are pretty dashing yourself there young fella'.

PTM: So is there a chance that we can get together after the show and have a few drinks?

Betty: Well, PTM, let me take you off stage now and show you the real golden side of Betty White.  

Betty takes PTM's hand and takes him offstage for about 5 minutes. They come back onstage, PTM with a giant grin on his face.

PTM: Thank you Betty for showing me that. Now, there was a rumor after Rue McClanahan's passing that you and her had a short love affair back in 1988. Is there any truth to this?

Betty:  No! I would have never had a love affair with just Rue alone..the other  golden girls were involved also. You would have never guessed the moves Bea Arthur had up her sleeve....ahh...memories.

PTM: You are almost 90 years old and you look fabulous. How do you do it? What is your secret?

Betty: I surround myself with ugly younger women. They really bring out my eyes. 

PTM: I loved your performance in Lake Placid. You were so sassy. Is there a movie role you have always wanted to play or one that you think you should have been cast for?

Betty:  I think I would be pretty good as the Terminator, no?

PTM: Besides death, what is your biggest fear?

Betty:  There is nothing to fear but fear itself!!

PTM: Do you have to wear diapers or are you able to still use the toilet?

Betty:  Yes..I do have to wear them, you will see my new line of pull-ups debut in my upcoming Playboy centerfold. 

PTM: Who is your celebrity crush?

Betty:  Charlie Sheen..there is something just so forbidden about him. Hey Charlie, if you are watching this interview, come to Betty and I'll show you what WINNING is really about. 

PTM: One last question Betty then you can go take your nap. Since they have all passed and they won't find out, do you have any juicy secrets or dirt on the rest of the Golden Girls cast?

Betty:  I think I'll just leave you with the image of Bea, Estelle, Rue and I getting it on....on set....taped....the lost episode.

PTM: Thank you Betty for stopping by our studio and answering some questions for us. 

I would like to thank Golden Girl for playing the part of Betty White. She did an excellent job for her first guest post. Go check out her blog if you haven't done so yet. It is called '.... and the pickles'. She is a new blogger and also my fiance.

Interview with a Pirate

I have a special guest in the studio with me today. He is an iconic figure in the food industry and all over the world (I think, don't quote me on that). Please give a warm welcome to the one and only Cap'n Crunch.

Powdered Toast Man: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down and do this interview. Now what can I call you? Do you prefer Cap'n or Mr. Crunch?

Cap'n Crunch: When you’re dressed like that – in a skimpy muscle shirt and hot red biker shorts? He leans in and lowers his tone. Call me Captain and I’ll show you my plank.

PTM: Maybe later in my dressing room.Now, I have to ask this right off the bat because I know it is on every one's mind. What is your true real name?

Cap'n: What makes you think I’m not Cap'n Crunch? He leans in again, loosening his belt this time. Do you need to see some proof?

PTM: Wait until later (whispering under his breath). I heard a rumor from another mascot, who shall remain nameless, that you have never actually been on a pirate ship. What do you have to say about this accusation?

Cap'n: Tony’s just jealous and – leaning in again- quite the Tiger, grrrr.

PTM: Is it hard being out in public without people constantly harassing you?

Cap'n: Yes. He smiles widely.

PTM: I heard that you beat out Ranger Smith from Jellystone Park and David Hasselhoff to be the mascot and spokesperson for Cap'n Crunch. Did they have any hard feelings about it and do you keep in touch with either of them?

Cap'n: Nah, Ranger Smith doesn’t have hard anything – if you know what I mean. He winks and nudges PTM. David, though, ooh, I tell ya. Some things do get better with age.

PTM: Ok then, I'm sorry I asked.  What do you think about this whole Arnold Schwarzenegger scandal?

Cap'n: What? Who is he?

PTM: Umm, he is the former governor of California, a famous action movie star. He played the Terminator.

Cap'n: Never heard of the dude. What is the scandal about? Was he dealing drugs with Lucky the Leprechaun?

PTM: Never mind, let's move on. Answer this next one quickly without thinking. Trix Rabbit, Toucan Sam, Smacks the Frog, Fuck, marry or kill? Go!

Cap'n: Smacks probably has some sort of STD from all the inter venous drugs he's taken. I'd kill that dude. Trix seems like a tender lover and his fur would feel good against my skin so I would definitely hit that. Toucan has already raised some kids so I'm sure he would be a good spouse, I'll marry him. How about you PTM?

PTM: Oh, I'd fuck all of them. 

Cap'n: My kind of guy. 

PTM: Cap'n there is another reason why I brought you on the show. There is something I need to get off my chest that I have been feeling guilty about for years. I'm the reason your wife left you 3 years ago. She was having an affair with me. We bumped into each other at an IHOP and things just happened. She told me that you aren't crunchy enough for her and that your plank doesn't stay straight. She just wanted some good ol' fashion cereal sex. I'm sorry Cap'n. I didn't mean to be a home wrecker.

Cap'n: I accept your apology. And now you can accept this. He jabs his hook into PTM's thigh.

PTM is bleeding and screaming in agony 

PTM: What the hell!?!? Oh, it hurts. MEDIC!!!!

Securtiy comes rushing out to grab Cap'n. He starts waving around his hook at them. One of the guards drops him with a tranquilizer dart. The producer comes running out.

Producer: Cut! Cut! Go to commercial! (Addresses PTM) I told you he would stab you with his hook but did you listen to me? Noooooo. You can't trust a pirate. I learned that the hard way when backed into Long John Silver's car. He came to my house the next week and left a shark in my bathtub. My wife is missing two of her toes now.

PTM: Great story, now how about you bring me to the hospital before I bleed to death. I think I need a tetanus shot.

I would like to thank RawknRobyn for supplying some of the Cap'n's lines.

Q&A with a Special Guest

We have a special guest on the show today. Welcome to 'Just the Cheese' none other than the Pillsbury Doughboy. He is here to just hang out and answer questions from the audience. Before the show everyone in the audience was given a blank index card to write one question that they wanted to ask Mr. Doughboy. I will randomly pick them one at a time from this oversize sombrero. I will have the person that wrote the question come down and ask it directly to Mr. Doughboy.

PTM: Are you ready Pillsbury Doughboy?

Pillsbury Doughboy: Like a diabetic in a game of arm-darts!

PTM: Would you mind if I called you PD for short?

Pillsbury Doughboy: If we're going to be chummy, I'd prefer HotBlast GooMan.

PTM: Are you ready audience?

Audience: YEAH!!

PTM: Here we go. The first question is from Claudia Gaynes. (An old woman probably in her 80's slowly comes down with a walker) Any day now lady, we only have an hour show.

Claudia: Mr. Doughboy, does your mother know that you are a nudist?

PD: She still lives in the old country (Germany), so anything outside of genocide, tourism and alcohol abuse is alien to her. I'm not even sure they have a word for nudity/nudism: they'd probably think you were talking about some misanthropic philosopher or a way to groom flowers.

PTM: Wow tough first question. Let's see who is next. Gary Shiffing, come one down. (A portly man with a hot dog in his hand comes down) Where did you get that hot dog?

Gary: I brought it from home. Mr. Doughman, who is your favorite muppet and why?

PD: Justin Bieber. His hair is...uh...very absorbent. (Looks around awkwardly...) Do you have a cigarette?

PTM: A strange question coming from a man who brought his own lunch. The next question goes to Agnes Yurkelvoss. (An older woman wearing too much makeup comes down) I'm glad I didn't have a name like that growing up, ouch.

Agnes: It was my grandmother's name passed down you bastard. PD, is it true that you stole your delicious croissant recipe from Betty Crocker?

PD: Horseshit! That two bit hustling sack of waste stalked me for months, harassing my friends, sleeping outside my house, eating things off my floor! until I agreed to give her brother-in-law a job in one of our factories as a compromise. (Mumbles to self...) When will I be free from that sick woman's mind?

PTM: Oooh scandalous. Mitchell Stork, you are the next contestant on The Price is.... wait wrong show. Come down anyway. (A boy who looks to be about 6 or 6 1/2 holding a rubber duckie runs downs to the stage) I think we have a lost child.

Mitchell: (runs straight to PD and gives him a big hug) Oh my god, it's really you!! I love your cinnamon rolls!! Did you bring any with you, did ya?

PD: What?! No! Take your filthy, booger-picking, midget, neglected hands off me! I should throw up in your mouth! (High-pitched) Woo-hoom!

PTM: Security, please find this kid's parents or guardians. Who let's their kid come to this kind of show? Mary Rose Adams you have the next question. (Silence in the audience) Mary Rose Adams, are you here? (Every one looks around) Does anybody know sign language? Maybe she is deaf.  (Nobody speaks up) I guess I will have to read her question for her. Pillsbury Doughboy, who do you think would win in a fight, you or Powdered Toast Man? Ha this is an easy question. I could kick the snot out of this pile of dough.

PD: Don't flatter yourself, chump. I might look soft and pudgy, but beneath this shapeless form I'm all man. I could pound you  into moth poop. (Stares determinedly at PTM for several moments...)

PTM: And the next question goes to Peter Puleski.... Peter, you are the cameraman. How many times do I have to tell you that you can't participate in the show? You have to work the camera. Furthermore, this question doesn't even make sense. Why would he know where your bowling ball is? Get back to work!!

Peter: Sorry, I've asked everyone I know so I took a shot in the dark. I don't know where that ball could be. 

PTM: Have you checked your trunk?

Peter: Uhh No. I'll be right back. (Peter runs out the exit)

PTM: Stop!! Who is going to work the camera?!?! Someone remind me to fire him after the show. Enough of these shenanigans We have time for one final question. William Clinton, come ask your question. (Former President Bill Clinton graciously walks down to the stage) Oh my god, Mr. President, welcome to the show. I'm speechless. (Bill puts out his hand, PTM just stares at it for a second) Nice to meet you sir. You have a question for the Pillsbury Doughboy?

Bill Clinton: Yes I do. Mr. Doughboy, did you have sexual relations with that woman?

PD: Well, I can say this much: I know at least one place Peter hasn't looked for his bowling ball....

PTM: Wowzer!! I have a more personal question to ask Mr. Doughboy so I will save it for after the show when we can have some privacy. Well that is our show. I would like to thank the Pillsbury Doughboy for stopping by and answering some pertinent questions. Join us next time when we will have another special guest stop by and entertain us. I am going to help Peter look for his bowling ball.

I would to thank my friend Rich for playing the part of the Pillsbury Doughboy. His answers were raunchy and disturbing. I would send you to his blog but he doesn't have one. He isn't one of the cool kids yet.

Problems in Jellystone Park

Ranger Smith and Boo Boo have been worried about Yogi Bear for a long time now. They think his obsession with stealing picnic baskets has gotten way out of hand. They have decided to do the best thing for Yogi by staging an intervention. The Ranger and Boo Boo have brought Yogi to our studios to talk to him. Yogi doesn't know he is heading into an intervention. He thinks he is here to meet RawknRobyn and The Invisible Seductress. He is huge fans of them both and wants their autographs real bad. I, Powdered Toast Man, will be in charge of the intervention. I have no prior experience (don't tell Ranger Smith and Boo Boo that, they are paying me a hefty sum to do this) and I am just going to wing it. Shhh, here they come now.

PTM: Welcome fellas, take a seat and we will get started (Locks door behind them).

Yogi Bear: I am so excited. I have always wanted to meet RawknRobyn and Seductress. They are my favorite bloggers and I have a huge crush on one of them.

Ranger Smith: Yeah, well, I have a huge crush on  (peering at Boo Boo). I mean, how long will this take? I've got a meeting with Mrs. Possum in 15 minutes. (He sets the alarm on his watch).

  

Boo Boo:  I live directly across from Mrs Possum! In fact if I leave my window shades up she can see RIGHT in my shower but she moved out months ago! I have seen a strange realtor videotaping from the window, though they're probably just getting it ready to sell.

PTM: Well Yogi, there has been a change of plans. Unfortunately, we tricked you into coming here. You are here for a different reason. You are not here to see Robyn and Seductress. You have a serious problem and we are all here to help you

Yogi Bear: Is it because of my chronic masturbation?

PTM: Err, no but we might get back to that afterwards. Go ahead Boo Boo, tell him why he is here.

Boo Boo: Are you sure we couldn't address the chronic masturbation issue first PTM? There has not been an unviolated fruity pastry in Jellystone Park for years, and maybe the two are related! Yogi, pie violations aside, your picnic basket thievery has gotten out of hand and we are here to help you work through it.

PTM: Ranger Smith, is there anything you want to add before we get started?

Ranger Smith: (Eyeing Boo Boo, licking his lips) What? Oh, no, not a thing to add.

Yogi Bear: @#$% all of you.

.PTM: Now Yogi, there is no reason for such language. We are here to help.

Yogi Bear:  Who put you in charge anyway? And why is your head shaped like a piece of bread?

PTM: They put me in charge and I was born this way.

Boo Boo: I do see the issue here PTM. Your warm buttery accentuated head and finely sculptured abs wrapped entirely in flattering blue Lycra makes my mouth water! Are you seeing anybody?

PTM: Thank you Boo Boo for that disturbing compliment. As a side note I'm not attracted to male bears unless they are in the circus.

Ranger Smith: (Clearing his throat, sticking chest out, and unbuttoning top shirt button) Lycra is my specialty, Boo Boo

Yogi Bear: What the hell is going on here?!? How is it that I'm the one with the problem?

PTM: The first step is admitting you have a problem. Oh wait, that's the 11 step program.

Yogi Bear: Don't you mean the 12 step program you sorry excuse for a man. Are you even qualified to be running an intervention. Where did you go to college?

PTM: I didn't exactly err go to umm *cough* . Never mind me. Now where was I? Dammit you stupid ass Bear, I've lost my train of thought. Ranger Smith, put this Bear in his place while I try to figure out what I was gonna say.

Ranger Smith: Yogi, I’m afraid I need to discipline you again. Remember who’s the boss? (Wink).

Yogi Bear: I'm going to say Angela, no Tony, no definitely Angela is the boss. Mona wishes she could be the boss. Oh Alyssa Milano, if only I weren't a bear.

Boo Boo: And if only Alyssa was a warm pastry!! (Nudge, nudge) right Yogi??

PTM: Yogi,why do you feel the need to steal picnic baskets?

Yogi Bear: Probably because my dad abandoned me when I was only 6 and my mom verbally and physically abused me.

PTM: Really, wow, I didn't know that. I am so sorry.

Yogi Bear: Ahhh what a douche, you actually believed me?

PTM: That's not funny Yogi. Why can't you take this seriously?

Yogi Bear: Did you hear they took the word gullible out of the dictionary? You should check.

PTM: I already fell for that when Fred Flintstone got me with it. I'm not falling for it again.

Yogi Bear: Hey Boo Boo, do you believe this guy? What an arse!

Ranger Smith: (Looking up "gullible" in his handy pocket dictionary.)  Mmmhmm, just as I suspected. It's right here on page 58, with a little picture of me. Look, Boo Boo. (Whispering) You can't tell from the photo, but I was wearing blue Lycra underneath my uniform. (Wink, wink).

Boo Boo: Can I lick your cheek PTM?

PTM: Okay Boo Boo you can get one lick but that's it.

(Boo Boo spreads a little butter on PTM's cheek and slowly licks it off. He then tries to caress PTM's abs).

PTM: (slapping Boo Boo's paw) Keep your hands off my abs, you can look but not touch.

Boo Boo:  Yogi, I think maybe our relationship has come to a climax (Stares lovingly at PTM).

Yogi Bear: But Boo Boo who is going to be my catcher on those cold, cold nights? You have always been there to help relieve my "stress".

Boo Boo: Those are not my fondest of memories and we promised NOT to speak of it!! We NEVER need to speak of it!!

PTM: I am curious to know the details of those events. It seems like you two have a lot of unresolved issues that you need to work out. I would like to have you too back here another time to discuss them.

(Boo, Boo hides in the corner and starts sobbing)

Ranger Smith: (His watch alarm goes off) Time's up. I gotta go. I can't keep a good Possum waiting, fellas if you know what I mean. I’ll catch you later, Boo Boo (Wink, wink).

PTM: Well, I suppose we will end the intervention there. No use continuing without the Ranger. Next time we will have Chuck Norris in to discuss why he wouldn't let Ranger Smith become a Texas Ranger.

Yogi Bear: Are we going to talk about my masturbation problem now?

PTM: No Yogi, I'm sorry but we are all out of time for today. Call up my secretary tomorrow and schedule a meeting. I will see if Dr. Phil is available to sit down with us. He owes me a favor after I took care of that "problem" that him and Oprah had.

Yogi Bear: In that case I need to use the bathroom. (He runs off into the bathroom with a huge erection).

PTM:  (whispers to himself) I need to find another line of work. I wonder if the Red Lobster is still hiring?

I want to throw out a big thanks to RawknRobyn and The Invisible Seductress for lending their talents for this intervention. Robyn played the part of Ranger Smith and Seductress played the part of Boo Boo. Thank you girls, you were awesome as always. I played the parts of PTM and Yogi Bear. I hope Yogi finds the help he needs. 

New Game Show

Welcome to the Celebrity Marriage Game Show. I ask a celebrity couple that has been married at least a few years some questions to test how much they know about each other. With us today are Roger and Jessica Rabbit from the hit movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

PTM: Roger and Jessica, I asked both of you questions back stage. We are going to see how well you know each other. I am going to ask the questions again and you will reveal your answers. It's sort of like the newlywed game but for couples that have been married awhile. Let's get started.

PTM: Roger where did you two have your first kiss?

Roger: Oh it was j-j-just so special, I snuck in while she was performing and put something in her drink, they said it was a "sugar" pill,, she fell asleep like an angel, I sm-sm-smelled her pits and got some sugar!

Jessica: I can’t believe you said that, my bunny! (Whacking him on the head with the card) It was at the playboy mansion, remember? You had a tequila carrot shot, and I had you.

PTM: What is Jessica's favorite food?

Roger: Jessica is rather fond of the Smorgasboard restaurant in Toontown, it's all she can eat pickled platypussss, it tastes like chicken.

Jessica: (Glaring at Roger) What’s wrong with you? You know I’d do anything for your chocolate covered carrot, darling!

PTM: What is Jessica's bra size?

Roger: (holds paws out, does back flip) Rogersized!!

Jessica: My bra is a one-size-fits-all, sugar.

PTM: What is Jessica's favorite sexual position?

Roger: The neighbor recommended one that he thought she might like, I have not tried it yet, it has feathers and ju-ju bes.

Jessica: I always liked churches, ministers, and the basic missionary. Anything else confuses him. As you can tell, he’s a bit of an idiot.

PTM: If Jessica were to describe you in two words what would they be?

Roger: Pellet dropper.

Jessica: Long eared, hare brained, and sexy as any long eared, hare brained guy could be.

PTM: Who is Jessica's celebrity crush?

Roger: Some guy who's blog she reads, he's some kind of breakfast chef/superhero.

Jessica: Jack Black revs my engine. Once you go Jack.,,.well, it’s getting real hot in here, honey.

PTM: Would Jessica sleep with me for $1000?

Roger: Maybe if you were a breakfast chef/superhero? She likes to call me her "waffle toast guy" sometimes, shes s-s-so silly

Jessica: No. You’re cute for Powdered Toast and all, but I prefer to get my bunny hopping – if you know what I mean (Wink, wink).

_________________

 

PTM: What is the first thing that attracted you to Roger?

Jessica: His long, erect ears. I think he was excited to see me.

Roger: She loved my long erect ears

PTM: What is Roger's favorite cartoon?

Jessica: Me, silly.

Roger: Simon Says

PTM: How many licks does it take Roger to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Jessica: Oh, we like that game! He’s fast. Roger does it in 3 licks. I do it in 2  (Wink. Wink).

Roger: I love soda and sticky tape!

PTM: Who is Roger's least favorite Spice Girl?

Jessica: Vanilla Spice. He says she isn’t a real singer.

Roger: Dirty Spice! Or was that Xtina Aguilera?  (Eyes pop out of head) Zowzerzzzz! She's beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring her down!!

PTM:: What does Roger think your best feature is?

Jessica: That’s a really hard one, really hard. (Giggle. Giggle) My buxom, supple pinkie toes.

Roger: CaZONGAS!!!!!!!!

PTM: What is Roger's favorite sexual position?

Jessica:  Yes, my Roger’s in favor of sex. He just needs to turn the GPS on first to find his way around. 

Roger: The ones where she joins me wearing a Michelin Man costume and a can of fix-a-flat. I love air!

PTM: What is Roger's biggest phobia?

Jessica: Chuck E. Cheese. Can you blame the guy?

 Roger: Anvils being dropped on me.

PTM: You two have been married over 20 years and it doesn't seem like you've ever met. I think you had one matching answer. Jessica, I think you have hypnotized Roger with your cazongas. The puddle of saliva is getting too big for the maintenance staff to keep up with. Well that's our show folks. Come back next time where we will have another celebrity couple to harass....err question.

I would like to thank RawknRobyn and Invisible Seductress for playing the parts of Jessica and Roger Rabbit. Robyn was Jessica and Seductress was Roger. Great answers ladies. Go give them some love now.

 

Rare Interview

I have here today two special guests. Henry Thomas and E.T. from the classic movie E.T.: the Extra-Terrestrial are in the studio today. Henry played the main character Elliot and E.T. well played you know. I sat down with these two and asked them some questions.

PTM: Welcome fellas, glad to have you in the studio today.

Henry: No problem PTM.

E.T.: E-l-l-i-o-t

Henry: Dude, stop calling me that. That was my character's name. It's been 28 years already, it's played out. Enough is enough.

PTM: I see that there is so animosity between you two.

Henry: Sorry but he is still living in the past. I know that E.T. was a great movie but I have done a lot of other things since 1982.

E.T.: Points glowing finger at Henry.

Henry: Do not touch me with that thing. I don't know where it has been. I'm pretty sure you have alien finger herpes.

PTM: Don't you think you are being a little hard on him?

Henry: No, he does this all the time. I can't go anywhere without him acting like this.

PTM: You two are still close?

Henry: Unfortunately yes.  I ran into him on the street one day, he was homeless so I did the humane thing and let him stay with me until he got back on his feet. That was three years ago.

PTM: So E.T., why haven't you been able to get back on your feet yet?

E.T.: E.T. phone home.

PTM: Do you need to make a call? We are in the middle of our interview.

Henry: Don't play into his mind games. He likes to annoy me by slipping into his E.T. character.

PTM: Do either of you keep in touch with Drew Barrymore?

Henry: We get together a few times a year to catch up on old times and what's new. Drew has a restraining order against bozo here. He's not allowed within 250 feet of her. He got a little too touchy-feely during a cast reunion 5 years ago. It's sad really.

PTM: I never heard about any of this. They must have kept in under wraps.

Henry: Yeah, Steven Spielberg didn't want the press to catch wind of it and have his movie tarnished at all. Frankly I don't give a shit anymore. I'm tired of this bum.

PTM: E.T., do you have anything to say to Henry? He seems to have a real problem with you.

E.T.: FUCK YOU HENRY!!

Henry: Fuck me? Why don't you go probe yourself, you piece of shit.

PTM: Whoa, watch the language, this is a family show

Henry jumps out of his chair and dropkicks E.T. to the floor.

PTM: Well that is all the time we have for our show. Tune in next time to see who we will have next.

Inside the Actor's Studio

We have a special treat for you today. First, I will be filling in for James Lipton, he has come down with a bad case of Pacaderm flu. Second, today on the show we have a special guest. Wile E. Coyote has dropped by to give us a look inside his real life.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man): First off, I want to thank you ahead of time for taking some time out of your busy life to talk to us about the real you.

Wile E Coyote: Not at all my good sir, not at all. Glad to be a part of such an illustrious tradition.

PTM: My first question I know is on every one's mind. What does the "E" stand for in Wile E. Coyote?

Wile E. Coyote: It doesn't. That is to say, it doesn't stand for anything. Wile is a common coyote name. When I first started out in the business, Hollywood was flooded with so many other coyotes that you had to find a way to stand out. That E got me my first job.

PTM: Interesting., I thought it stood for Egbert. What is your life like when you aren't chasing the Road Runner?

Wile E. Coyote: I'm chasing down life. Last year I participated in a triathlon. I was the oldest contestant there. Sure I only placed fourth, but it's not about winning, it's about giving what you've got and enjoying what you're given.

PTM: Good for you. Do you have any kids?

Wile E. Coyote: [smiling] I'm proud to say that I am the father of 3 wonderful kids. I also have 16 grandchildren and 31 great grand children. It was 32 but my son mistook one of the children late at night for a pot roast and devoured it.

PTM: I'm sure that kid tasted like pot roast. Are you friends with Road Runner off the set?

Wile E. Coyote: That depends on which one you mean. In all there have been 7 Road Runners. I was close to the original till he died last year. The other 6... well maybe the last one. The rest though were royal pricks.

PTM: I had no idea, they all looked the same to me. Do you do your own stunts? If yes, have you ever gotten hurt?

Wile E. Coyote: Yes and yes. You may remember about 20 years back I won that lawsuit against Acme after nearly killing myself with their rocket roller skates. We wrote the scene where I slam into the wall, into the script. But that shot was real, as was the pain.

PTM: I ordered those skates once, they were hard to use and there was no instruction manual. If you could make a career change right now, what would you do?

Wile E. Coyote: At this age my next move is to retire [laughs] but I'll tell you, when I was a young pup I considered becoming a chef. I was vegan before anyone knew what that meant. I think I could have revolutionized the world of professional cuisine.

PTM: A vegan coyote? Now I've heard everything. I heard a rumor that your wife had an affair with Foghorn Leghorn, is that true?

Wile E. Coyote: [looking wistfully towards the stage lights] Claire was always looking for something. When she couldn't find it with me, she looked elsewhere. I haven't seen her in a few years now. I just hope she found whatever she was looking for.

PTM: That's sad, I would of eaten that over sized rooster. Do you get tired of chasing that Road Runner? Do you wish that they would just end it and let you catch him?

Wile E. Coyote: No, not all. Everyone knows people lose interest in a show when something actually happens. It's all about the tease.

PTM: Like how Trix Rabbit doesn't get the cereal. This last question is from one of our audience members, Gayle Prudent from High Ridge, Colorado writes: I love you Wile, you are the reason why I became an Ostrich farmer. My question is, how do you feel about Linda McMahon running for senator of Connecticut?

Wile E. Coyote: What does it matter? Everyone knows the senate is fake. Real politics happen in the house.

PTM: Well said sir. Well that's all the time we have today.I want to thank Wile for sitting down with us today and also for not eating any of my camera men.

Wile E. Coyote was played by T.S from The Non-Review, he also came up with the idea of it being "Inside the Actor's Studio". I (PTM) came up with the questions. I am sure you all follow T.S. by now but go give him some love anyway but first give me some love.

If you haven't yet go vote on the 3rd round of the battle of the cereal mascots. Polls close on Sunday at 11:59pm.

Something else to enjoy.