Friday, January 14, 2011

Problems in Jellystone Park

Ranger Smith and Boo Boo have been worried about Yogi Bear for a long time now. They think his obsession with stealing picnic baskets has gotten way out of hand. They have decided to do the best thing for Yogi by staging an intervention. The Ranger and Boo Boo have brought Yogi to our studios to talk to him. Yogi doesn't know he is heading into an intervention. He thinks he is here to meet RawknRobyn and The Invisible Seductress. He is huge fans of them both and wants their autographs real bad. I, Powdered Toast Man, will be in charge of the intervention. I have no prior experience (don't tell Ranger Smith and Boo Boo that, they are paying me a hefty sum to do this) and I am just going to wing it. Shhh, here they come now.

PTM: Welcome fellas, take a seat and we will get started (Locks door behind them).

Yogi Bear: I am so excited. I have always wanted to meet RawknRobyn and Seductress. They are my favorite bloggers and I have a huge crush on one of them.

Ranger Smith: Yeah, well, I have a huge crush on  (peering at Boo Boo). I mean, how long will this take? I've got a meeting with Mrs. Possum in 15 minutes. (He sets the alarm on his watch).
Boo Boo:  I live directly across from Mrs Possum! In fact if I leave my window shades up she can see RIGHT in my shower but she moved out months ago! I have seen a strange realtor videotaping from the window, though they're probably just getting it ready to sell.

PTM: Well Yogi, there has been a change of plans. Unfortunately, we tricked you into coming here. You are here for a different reason. You are not here to see Robyn and Seductress. You have a serious problem and we are all here to help you

Yogi Bear: Is it because of my chronic masturbation?

PTM: Err, no but we might get back to that afterwards. Go ahead Boo Boo, tell him why he is here.

Boo Boo: Are you sure we couldn't address the chronic masturbation issue first PTM? There has not been an unviolated fruity pastry in Jellystone Park for years, and maybe the two are related! Yogi, pie violations aside, your picnic basket thievery has gotten out of hand and we are here to help you work through it.

PTM: Ranger Smith, is there anything you want to add before we get started?

Ranger Smith: (Eyeing Boo Boo, licking his lips) What? Oh, no, not a thing to add.

Yogi Bear: @#$% all of you.

.PTM: Now Yogi, there is no reason for such language. We are here to help.

Yogi Bear:  Who put you in charge anyway? And why is your head shaped like a piece of bread?

PTM: They put me in charge and I was born this way.

Boo Boo: I do see the issue here PTM. Your warm buttery accentuated head and finely sculptured abs wrapped entirely in flattering blue Lycra makes my mouth water! Are you seeing anybody?

PTM: Thank you Boo Boo for that disturbing compliment. As a side note I'm not attracted to male bears unless they are in the circus.

Ranger Smith: (Clearing his throat, sticking chest out, and unbuttoning top shirt button) Lycra is my specialty, Boo Boo

Yogi Bear: What the hell is going on here?!? How is it that I'm the one with the problem?

PTM: The first step is admitting you have a problem. Oh wait, that's the 11 step program.

Yogi Bear: Don't you mean the 12 step program you sorry excuse for a man. Are you even qualified to be running an intervention. Where did you go to college?

PTM: I didn't exactly err go to umm *cough* . Never mind me. Now where was I? Dammit you stupid ass Bear, I've lost my train of thought. Ranger Smith, put this Bear in his place while I try to figure out what I was gonna say.

Ranger Smith: Yogi, I’m afraid I need to discipline you again. Remember who’s the boss? (Wink).

Yogi Bear: I'm going to say Angela, no Tony, no definitely Angela is the boss. Mona wishes she could be the boss. Oh Alyssa Milano, if only I weren't a bear.

Boo Boo: And if only Alyssa was a warm pastry!! (Nudge, nudge) right Yogi??

PTM: Yogi,why do you feel the need to steal picnic baskets?

Yogi Bear: Probably because my dad abandoned me when I was only 6 and my mom verbally and physically abused me.

PTM: Really, wow, I didn't know that. I am so sorry.

Yogi Bear: Ahhh what a douche, you actually believed me?

PTM: That's not funny Yogi. Why can't you take this seriously?

Yogi Bear: Did you hear they took the word gullible out of the dictionary? You should check.

PTM: I already fell for that when Fred Flintstone got me with it. I'm not falling for it again.

Yogi Bear: Hey Boo Boo, do you believe this guy? What an arse!

Ranger Smith: (Looking up "gullible" in his handy pocket dictionary.)  Mmmhmm, just as I suspected. It's right here on page 58, with a little picture of me. Look, Boo Boo. (Whispering) You can't tell from the photo, but I was wearing blue Lycra underneath my uniform. (Wink, wink).

Boo Boo: Can I lick your cheek PTM?

PTM: Okay Boo Boo you can get one lick but that's it.

(Boo Boo spreads a little butter on PTM's cheek and slowly licks it off. He then tries to caress PTM's abs).

PTM: (slapping Boo Boo's paw) Keep your hands off my abs, you can look but not touch.

Boo Boo:  Yogi, I think maybe our relationship has come to a climax (Stares lovingly at PTM).

Yogi Bear: But Boo Boo who is going to be my catcher on those cold, cold nights? You have always been there to help relieve my "stress".

Boo Boo: Those are not my fondest of memories and we promised NOT to speak of it!! We NEVER need to speak of it!!

PTM: I am curious to know the details of those events. It seems like you two have a lot of unresolved issues that you need to work out. I would like to have you too back here another time to discuss them.

(Boo, Boo hides in the corner and starts sobbing)

Ranger Smith: (His watch alarm goes off) Time's up. I gotta go. I can't keep a good Possum waiting, fellas if you know what I mean. I’ll catch you later, Boo Boo (Wink, wink).

PTM: Well, I suppose we will end the intervention there. No use continuing without the Ranger. Next time we will have Chuck Norris in to discuss why he wouldn't let Ranger Smith become a Texas Ranger.

Yogi Bear: Are we going to talk about my masturbation problem now?

PTM: No Yogi, I'm sorry but we are all out of time for today. Call up my secretary tomorrow and schedule a meeting. I will see if Dr. Phil is available to sit down with us. He owes me a favor after I took care of that "problem" that him and Oprah had.

Yogi Bear: In that case I need to use the bathroom. (He runs off into the bathroom with a huge erection).

PTM:  (whispers to himself) I need to find another line of work. I wonder if the Red Lobster is still hiring?

I want to throw out a big thanks to RawknRobyn and The Invisible Seductress for lending their talents for this intervention. Robyn played the part of Ranger Smith and Seductress played the part of Boo Boo. Thank you girls, you were awesome as always. I played the parts of PTM and Yogi Bear. I hope Yogi finds the help he needs. 


Oilfield Trash said...

Yogi bear with a masturbation problem. That gives a whole new meaning to "Hey Boo Boo".

This was a fucking awesome story. said...

We are one sick, sick threesome. I love it! Boo boo is a bad boy. Yogi does seem like the most sane one in the bunch.
Thanks PTM and Seductress. Great job.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That was wrong on so many levels, but still not as wrong as the recent Yogi Bear movie. Good job!

Baby Sister said...

No wonder why Yogi has so many issues...

Chuck said...

Congrats! Your story was way better than I've heard the movie is. I'm not seeing it but I may read your post a couple more times...well done.

Copyboy said...

Douchiness? Disciplining? What kind of park is this?

Sylvia Plathypus said...

LMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAOLMAO <---Me while reading this post!! xD

Marnie said...

Hilarious. I was laughing out loud while reading this post. The three of you make a really good team.

Anonymous said...

I love it when a few of my favourite bloggers get together. Combined, you are all smarter than the average um, err,... blogger! Have a great weekend y'all! - G

Pat Tillett said...

This totally explains why Yogi has such hairy palms...

The Man-Cave said...

An intervention for Yogi was way overdue, so thanks for stepping up to the plate. Hilarious!

Stephanie said...

LOL! Great story!

Anonymous said...

Totally disturbing...which means I love it!

I always had a weird vibe about Ranger Smith..just sayin.

Tara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tara said...

I agree with Alex: wrong, but not nearly as wrong as the movie ;)

RosieC said...

PTM, that was flipping hysterical. Thanks for pointing me in this direction.

Hahaha :)

Jessica Bell said...

hahahah!!!! I am now totally and utterly emotionally maladjusted. Even more than I used to be. LOL. Awesome post, guys!