Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Real or fake bacon news


Have you noticed that bacon is taking over everything nowadays? You can pretty much get any food with bacon and most things come bacon scented. What will they think of next? See if you can figure out which of these items are real things or something I just made up to amuse myself.

Bacon scented candles

Bacon flavored lipstick

Bacon lollipops

Bacon scented toilet paper

Beer infused with bacon

Chocolate covered bacon

American cheese slices with bacon

Bacon cereal

Bacon scented deodorant

Bacon flavored water

Meatless bacon

Bacon scented condoms

Bacon toothpaste

Yogurt with bacon

Taco Bell bacon flavored tacos (The taco shell is bacon flavored)

Bacon flavored coffee

Bras with essence of bacon

Bacon air freshener

Bacon scented hand lotion

Bacon scented baby wipes

What would you try?


Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Weird Laws: Part 18



If you find this post amusing and tickling your funny bone, there are seventeen others similar to this one in the 'Weird Laws' page tab under the header. (psst, next to the 'Home' button above)

Texas

It is illegal to sell one's eye. What if I trade for it, like an eye for a nose?

Utah

It is illegal NOT to drink milk. Vegans are not welcome here.

Vermont

Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. It is good to be a lesbian in Vermont. 

Virginia

Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. So on Christmas or Martin Luther King Jr day it is perfectly acceptable?

Washington

The harassing of Bigfoot, Sasquatch or other undiscovered subspecies is a felony punishable by a fine and/or imprisonment. That is bullshit. Those Squatches are always giving me purple nurples and atomic wedgies. 

West Virginia

Whistling underwater is prohibited. It upsets SpongeBob and Squidward. 

Wisconsin

It is illegal to serve butter substitute in prison. Only butter makes a good lube. 

Wyoming

You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit. The Easter Bunny and his family would like you to respect their privacy. 

Thursday, May 2, 2019

Thoughts of the husband while the wife is in labor


"I am glad I am not a woman"

"She can do this but anal sex is too painful?"

"Is this here poop face?"

"Did I remember to lock the front door?"

"It has been awhile since I've had some Taco Bell"

"Is it wrong that I'm super horny right now?"

"This thing is gonna be such a cock block"

"Is this nurse giving me the 'fuck me' eyes right now?"

"I am so glad she is not giving birth on 9/11"

"It look like her vagina is blowing a bubble"

"Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy and....?"

"I should write a blog post about this experience"

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Household Items: Original uses


You have probably read somewhere that the original use for Silly Putty was as a wallpaper remover and that plastic was invented by accident. Well here are some everyday items that were made for a different reason than how we use them today.

Everyday Item   -  Original usage

Jump Rope - Heavy duty floss for Michael Strahan

Kitchen Spatula - Tennis racket

Red Bull - Alternative NASCAR fuel

Toilet Plunger - CPR Tool

Cotton Swab - Constipation Tool

Mayonnaise - Foot scrub

George Foreman Grill - Efficient grill 

Blender - White noise machine

Socks - Ejaculatory receptacles 

Butter - Edible sex lubricant

Crayons - Makeup for kids

Turkey Baster - Eye dropper for Andre the Giant and Shaq

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Some Random Thoughts


Why do we still find ourselves saying 'videotape' instead of record or DVR?

How is space endless? And how do the planets just float in space?

What is the point of a fly that only lives for one day?

How come it is NYPD and FDNY? Why not NYFD?

How do we get glass from sand? And how it a solid object see through?

Why do The Home Depot and Kohl's have like 50 handicapped parking spaces?

Does a person with only one foot have to buy both shoes?

How do you really know when sour cream goes bad?

If I have sex with my clone does that make me gay?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?


Thursday, April 18, 2019

Interview with the Easter Bunny



I recently took my kids to see the Easter Bunny. After the pictures were taken I swooped in and asked Mr. Bunny if he would be willing to sit down for an interview. He said to call his agent to check his schedule. I called his agent. He was booked solid for a month.

 Luckily, the Mall he was scheduled to be at was evacuated because someone pulled the fire alarm. Also someone let thousands of bees loose. Don't know who did it but I thank them.Here he is for a quick chat.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man): Thanks for sitting down with me for a quick chat. I know you are super busy. So what do you prefer, Easter Bunny, Mr. Bunny or E.B.?

Easter Bunny: Actually it's just a stage name. You can call me Ralph.

PTM: Sure thing Ralph. You can call me PTM. I know you don't have a lot of time so let's get right down to it. What is your favorite sexual position?

Easter Bunny: Whoa! Coming at me right out of the gate. I like your spunk. The answer is Reverse Cowgirl. My 2nd favorite is the Tijuana Surprise.

PTM: I don't mess around. Just ask Cupid. I've always wanted to try Reverse Cowgirl but I have never heard of the Tijuana Surprise. 

Easter Bunny: Really?? I pegged you for a kinky SOB. I don't have time to explain all the details but it involves 6 pairs of rubber gloves, lime juice, snorkels and a very sturdy unicycle. 

PTM: We must talk more about that when you have the time. I am always up for something new. I am sure you get this question a lot but do you hang out with any of the other Holiday Mascots?

Easter Bunny: Well first off we don't like to be called mascots. We prefer the term Holiday Sponsors. Santa used to be fun but he is old and bitter now since Mrs. Claus doesn't touch his dick anymore. Cupid is a lonely alcoholic and only wants to watch British Documentaries on Netflix. The Leprechaun and I don't speak anymore since he slept with my mom 5 years ago. The only one I still talk to is the Tooth Fairy. We went to High School together. We go paint balling every other weekend. He's super weird but a lot of fun.

PTM: I interviewed Cupid like 6 years ago. I could see that he would become an alcoholic. Such a sad and depressed dude. I used to play a lot of paint ball when I was younger. I would love to join you guys for a game sometime. 

Easter Bunny: I have to run it by the Tooth Fairy first. He is very particular on who he plays with. One time I ran into one of the Keebler Elves while grocery shopping and I invited him to play with us. That was a disaster.

PTM: Which Keebler Elf?

Easter Bunny: I want to say his name was Guillermo but don't quote me on that. 

PTM: You sure he was a Keebler Elf? I don't remember a Guillermo.

Easter Bunny: Or maybe it was one of those dudes from Rice Krispies. Ya know, Snatch, Krinkle and Plop.

PTM: Umm, ok then. I would love to find out who else you think you know but we are out of time.

Easter Bunny: I did a lot of drugs in high school, and college and in my 30's.

PTM: I bet you did. That would explain a lot. Thanks for doing this Ralph. I hope those bees I let loose didn't kill anyone.

Easter Bunny: I knew it!!!!


If you would like to read the interview with Cupid, click here.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

A short story behind 'Just the Cheese'


Come August, this blog is celebrating 10 years of being on the Internet. I want to share how this blog came to be and why it is called 'Just the Cheese.'

Originally my blog was going to be mostly movie reviews. I was going to put a spin on them and make them humorous. That is why the URL name is reviewsyoucantuse.blogspot.com. I shortly discovered that only writing movie reviews would be difficult and time consuming. I would also have to watch movies in genres that don't appeal to me.

One of my first posts was a review about the movie Funny People. I enjoyed writing it but it took so much effort. I am all about working smart but not hard. Somehow my blog turned into random humor and silly nonsense.

The original title of my blog was 'Oh, Fiddlesticks!' I liked that name but something was missing.

I quickly changed it to 'Just the Cheese.' I am sure some of you that came here thought this blog was about cheese or food. It is named after a comedy bit done by Dane Cook. He talks about going to the movies and getting just the cheese, no nachos. You can watch a quick 3 minute clip here.

That Dane Cook bit has always been a joke between my wife and I, it just made sense to use it as part of my blog.

And if you are a fan of Ren & Stimpy then you know why I am Powdered Toast Man. If you have no idea, well I am going to leave that a mystery and you will have to find out on your own.

Here is to another 10 years of random nonsense!!