Monday, July 8, 2019

Where are they now? - Six Flags Old Man

Once in a while there will be an exciting spokesperson or mascot for a company that we all fall in love with, then suddenly they disappear and we forget about them. 

I have done previously posts about The Dunkin' Donuts "Time to make the donuts" guy and Wendy's "where's the beef" lady. Today, I am going to discuss the whereabouts of Danny Teeson, the Six Flags Old Man.

If you don't know who I am talking about then watch the Youtube clip. Okay even if you know who I am talking about you can watch the clip.

We all loved the Old Man (Danny Teeson) when he first appeared in the Six Flags commercials. He sure had the right kind of spunk and that tune was annoyingly catchy. 

Have you ever wondered what happened to him? Or maybe you just didn't realize he was gone. I did some research and found out some interesting tidbits. He is not really an old man. He is 22 years old and suffers from HGPS (Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria Syndrome) which is the rare disease that ages your body very rapidly. He has the body of a 91 year old man now.

I was visiting my Gamma in her assisted living community and I spotted him across the room eating tapioca pudding. I knew I recognized him but couldn't put my finger on it. After chatting with my Gam Gam I found out that she was having an affair with him and told me all about his disease. Even though he looks 91, he has the sex drive of an 18 year old. My Gamma is such a slut. 

I tried talking to him but he has a body guard. I attempted to get his attention by playing the Six Flags commercial on my phone. That was a terrible idea. The body guard snatched my phone and smashed it against the wall. So I stabbed him. I have to appear in court in 3 months, I am facing criminal assault charges. Any one know a good lawyer?

Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Inside the Actor's Studio: Chewbacca

Once again I am commandeering Inside the Actor's Studio from James Lipton. I have a guest that has never been interviewed before today and somehow I have gotten him to agree to sit down with me. Here in the studio today is the beloved Wookie from the Star Wars Universe. Let's give a big round of applause for Chewbacca.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man): Thank you Chewy for joining us. I am so happy I can be the first person to interview you. I was informed by your agent before the show that you actually speak English and that you are contractually obligated to speak Shyriiwook in any Star Wars production. 

Chewbacca: I actually speak French, Spanish, German, and Italian in the movies, but with my thick Shyriiwook accent, it all comes out as gurgling growls.

PTM: That is a damn shame. I have so many questions for you I don't know where to start.

Chewbacca: How about you start a long time ago…

PTM: Did George Lucas put you up to that joke? Hey, how old are you?

Chewbacca: In dog years I’m five hundred and twenty.

PTM: You are still younger than my grandma. What is your last name?

Chewbacca: Smith. I come from a long line of Smithies.

PTM: My guess is you were adopted and they never told you. What is your favorite cereal?

Chewbacca: I don’t know. No matter what I eat, it’s so matted with Wookie hair I can’t tell.

PTM: Hold on, my producers are telling me that these are some lame ass questions and I need to get down to the nitty gritty. I was working my way up to it but what the hell. You spent a lot of time around Princess Leia, did you tap that ass?

Chewbacca: The Millennium Falcon furry and plushie parties can get really crazy, so it’s possible.

PTM: So do you go as yourself or do you dress up as a furry even though you are furry? Never mind, we don't have time for all the details. I've always thought Han was kind of a dick. How do you really feel about Han Solo?

Chewbacca: Solo’s great. Now that Harrison Ford guy – total a-hole.

PTM: Probably because his last name is Ford. By the way I love Chevrolet. What is Jar Jar Binks doing nowadays?

Chewbacca: Porn. He’s finally putting that long tongue to good use.

PTM: He?!?! I always thought Jar Jar was a chick! Now I don't feel weird about all those dreams I had. There was a rumor going around that you had a gang bang with some of the Ewoks. I heard it from C-3PO. Is that at all true?

Chewbacca: Have you watched any of the movies? Nothing on an Ewok actually moves.

PTM: So it is more like necrophilia. What do you keep in your bandolier?

Chewbacca: My Pez stash.

PTM: That is an awful lot of Pez. I would love to be in a Star Wars movie or tv series. I have written many letters and sent numerous emails to George Lucas with no response. Is there any way you could put in a good word for me? I'm not looking for a big part. Maybe just one line like, "It's a trap!"

Chewbacca: I don’t think so – Solo told me you were a dick.

PTM: You run over a man's cat one time and he never gets over it. How do the bathrooms work on those space ships? Does the poop just get sucked out into space? Are there just tons of turds floating around in space?

Chewbacca: Those aren’t asteroids, buddy!

PTM: That's some cold shit. Who do you think is hotter, Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls or Megan Fox in Transformers?

Chewbacca: I actually prefer Harry from Harry and the Hendersons.

PTM: Nice choice. He's an old friend, I will set that up for you. Hold on, I am getting word from my producers that your wife is going into labor!! Holy shit! You better get the hell out of here. 

Chewbacca: Just what I need – another Lumpy. That kid’s so disappointing…

PTM: Dammit, this chair is covered with hair. I better get it cleaned before I have Betty White on. She is extremely allergic to Wookie. 

I would like to thank Alex from Alex J Cavanaugh for playing the part of Chewbacca. You did a bang up job. We should do this again sometime. I will have my people call your people. 

Wednesday, June 19, 2019

It's a girl!!!

I normally don't post about my personal life except when it matters. A new edition to the Powdered Toast Man family was born on Friday, June 14th. Emma Lynn is my 2nd daughter and 3rd child.

This is all 3 of my kids, Olivia, Ryan and Emma. 

Don't worry, I will still be around. Just need a little family time right now. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Crayon colors that didn't make the cut

Crayon colors not approved

Shade - Color Name - The Brains

Red  -  Murder - Submitted by 2Pac Shakur

Green  -  Wet Booger - Submitted by Oscar the Grouch

Blue  -  Frostbitten Toe - Submitted by your  Great Grandpa

Orange -  Orange Drank - Submitted by The Koolaid Man

Purple  -  Domestic Abuse - Submitted by Chris Brown

Yellow  -  Hot Urine - Submitted by R. Kelly

White  -  White Privilege -Submitted by Donald Trump

Black  -  Bubonic Plague - Submitted by Anonymous

Sunday, June 9, 2019

Awesome words

Once in awhile I will come across a word that I never use in my every day life. Here are some awesome words that we should try to fit into our everyday conversations.

Diabolical - Only seems to describe an evil villain in a cheesy movie or cartoon.

Vanquished - Something Batman might say in the old tv show.

Abominable - I only know the Snowman. I had to look up the definition because I never knew what it meant.

Shan't - It is a contraction of shall and not. People look at me weird when I try to slip it into a sentence.

Phantasmagorical - Something a extremely gay man might use to describe a Broadway play.

Swum - I have looked it up but still don't know when to properly use it.

Juxtaposition - Amazing word to use in scrabble.

Cuckold - Sounds dirty.

Hornswoggle - You don't want to know what I'm thinking.

Rapscallion - I always think of pirates.

Scalawag - Again, pirates.

Livery - I always see it on the license plate of a taxicab. I never know how to pronounce it.

Can you think of any words that tickle your fancy?

Sunday, June 2, 2019

Some random thoughts

How come at the movie theater before the movie starts they go through that spiel about locating the nearest exits and say something if you see something suspicious? They don't do this in other places like at a restaurant or grocery store? Are people that dumb that they wouldn't know where the exit is unless someone reminded them?

I was watching The Fifth Element recently and there are flying cars in the film. How would traffic lanes work with flying cars? In the movie they were just flying everywhere. Seems a bit dangerous.

Why do we say 'take a poop?' We are leaving it, not taking it. And we always say "I am going to the bathroom, even if we take a piss in the woods. There is no bathroom there.

Why is it appropriate to wear a bikini at the beach but not wear your bra and panties to the grocery store? Same look just different location.

Having a donut or muffin is acceptable for breakfast but If I ate cake it would be weird. They are essentially the same things. And a muffin is just a naked cupcake.

Is it gray or grey? I never know I never use the same one all the time.

Isn't it about time we got rid of pennies? Do you know the Government spends millions of dollars to make pennies? It cost more to make them then they are worth!!

Who coined the phrase blow job? Wouldn't suck job be more accurate?

No matter what time of day I am driving on the road there are way too many drivers out. Doesn't anybody have a job anymore? Where the fuck is everyone going all the time? Stay home!!

Have you noticed there are way too many dumb, annoying entitled people in the world? Nobody wants to do anything for themselves and expects things to be done for them.

What is the past tense of freezing rain?

Movie credits are ridiculously long. Do we really need to know everyone that worked on the movie? I don't care who the 2nd assistant to the head chef was.

Do ants drown when it rains? How do they keep their ant hills from flooding?

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Behind the scenes at Abe Lincoln's house

What if Abe Lincoln and his wife Mary Todd had a fight before they went to Ford's Theater? This is how I imagined it would have went a few hours before...

Abe: We are not going to that stupid play!

Mary Todd: Oh yes we are!

Abe: I'm the President.

Mary Todd: I don't give a rat's ass who you are, you promised a few weeks ago that we could go.

Abe: I was banking on you not remembering. I would much rather alphabetize my stamp collection.

Mary Todd: I am a woman, I remember things that aren't important to you. Besides John and Nancy saw it last week and they said Jesus and his technicolor dreamcoat is amazing.

Abe: John would say that, he's fancy boy.

Mary Todd: What do you mean by that?

Abe: You know, he drives his carriage on the other side of the road. He butters his bread with the other hand. He sits when he pees. 

Mary Todd: You are not making any sense to me.

Abe: Do I need to spell it out?!? He's gay!

Mary Todd: You don't know what you are talking about. You know what's gay? That stovepipe hat you wear all the time.

Abe: Everybody loves this hat!!

Mary Todd: Yeah, especially dudes that suck dick!

Abe: Mary Todd!! Such language, where did you learn to speak that way?

Mary Todd: Your mom.

Abe: Don't be talkin' about my momma!

Mary Todd: You are going to the play if I have to drag you there. Martha and Tom are meeting us there. We can't stand them up again.

Abe: I don't even like Tom. He always smells like cherry cough drops.

Mary Todd: Oh quit your fucking whining. I can't take you anywhere without you whining. You think you would grow some balls after becoming President. 

Abe: I don't know what has gotten in to you tonight but I don't like it. 

Mary Todd: Well, just stop being a bitch.

Abe: I am not being a bitch. I'm just tired and I have diarrhea. 

Mary Todd: Take and quick nap and drink some Imodium. 

Abe: I guess that might help. Do you really think my hat is gay?

Mary Todd: Most people do, they are just being nice because you are President of the United States. 

Abe: Who specifically said it was gay?

Mary Todd: Most of the women in my quilting circle, George at the bakery, Seamus at the farm supply store and old man Wilson that sits outside the Church all the time.

Abe: Old man Wilson, really? The other day he said it made me look quite dignified. 

Mary Todd: He lied. Maybe it is time to find a new hat. Enough talk about your hat. Go take a quick nap and I will wake you up for dinner. Then we are going to the play. 

Abe: I would rather put a gun to my head than go see that play. 

Mary Todd: I can make it happen, don't test me. 

Abe: Bullshit. 

Mary Todd: Mmmhmmm