Monday, May 15, 2017

How are you?


This phrase/greeting has always bothered me. How so you ask? Well, I work in a retail/customer service job and I talk to about 150 to 200 people a day. That is a lot of 'how are yous' to listen to and say. I just don't like as a society that we have replaced the simple hello/hi to an unrealistic obligation. When people say this phrase to me they could care less about how I am actually doing. They are just following the social norms. What they really mean is hi but for some reason unbeknownst to me they would rather stick me with a question to answer.

If you ask me how I am, I am not going to give you the typical 'good, how are you' response. I am going to throw you off by saying something like; I'm tired or hungry or maybe a little horny. But you don't really care how I am and frankly nor do I care how you are doing. Can't we just say 'what's up instead. It is much more low key and does not elicit an actual response to the question. You can merely just say what's up right back.

If you really want to engage in conversation maybe change up your opening. How about: How is your day going so far? or How is the family doing? or What are your plans for the weekend? or Did you get rid of that rash yet?

Over the years my mother has perfected the How are you response into one word: goodnu. Long version: Good and how are you? I am thinking she doesn't give a shit either and that is where I probably get it from. Or maybe I am just a cynical asshole.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Gyno or bank teller?


Recently I did a post on things a bank teller would say that would be weird coming from your gynecologist. Someone requested that I do it the other way so here are things a gynecologist might say that would be weird coming from your bank teller.

'You can take your pants off now'

'When was your last period?'

'After examining you, I believe you have a yeast infection'

'This might pinch a little'

'Do your breasts ever get sore?'

'Have you always had this mole?'

'Do you plan on getting pregnant anytime soon?'

'There is some blood but that is perfectly normal'

'That's herpes alright'

'Some of them do have an unpleasant odor'

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Random Thoughts and Junk



How are we growing seedless watermelons without the seeds from the watermelon to grow them? That's like women giving birth without any eggs in their ovaries. Are these watermelons being artificially inseminated?

I learned that peanuts are used in the making of dynamite. Are people that are allergic to peanuts able to handle dynamite? "No, it wasn't the dynamite that killed him, it was his peanut allergy."

If the Hulk cut off Thor's hand, could he pick up the hammer using Thor's hand? Also if Thor is holding the hammer can the Hulk pick him up?

Do you know that the average cloud weighs 1.1 million pounds? I bet you are Googling that to see if it is true. I'll wait......... blew your mind didn't it?

When is the last time someone heard a car alarm going off and thought the car was being stolen? Let's do away with the car alarm, it doesn't work.

Are the flowers that bees are pollinating consenting to being pollinated? Or is it flower rape?

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

You might hear otherwise



Things your bank teller might say that would be weird coming from your gynecologist.


- "How much does your husband come and make deposits in here?"

- "You have quite a bit of money in there"

- "I see your mother and sister in here all the time"

- "I can't accept tips"

- "Is it okay if I give your kid a lollipop?"

- "I can only take rolled coin"

- "I need to see your license before I can do that"

- "Have you heard about our credit card promotion?"


Sunday, March 12, 2017

Artichokes or wizards?


Holy crap, it has been almost a month since I posted something. I lost track of time or I have been lazy and tired. I need to search around in my bag of creativity to create something worth reading. Stay tuned for something amazing. Until then don't you love the feeling of putting on a brand new pair of socks. Isn't it like an orgasm for your feet?

Thursday, February 16, 2017

Babies suck



I had my wisdom tooth removed this week so I have been in pain and it is blocking my creative juices. Oddly enough I took off of work this week so I could do more writing but that has backfired on me. They only gave me a prescription for 8 pills to help with my pain. I might have to hit the streets in search of some heroin. I can't believe I haven't posted anything in 2 weeks. Time really does fly by. It doesn't help either that my 4 month old son gets up 56 times after we put him down for the night. Brain function is pretty low with lack of sleep. Hopefully it will get better. See ya next week.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Plucked from my brain


Every now and again a thought will enter my head and I think to myself, maybe I should share that? I would say I forget 80% of what I want to write. Most of these thoughts happen while I am driving or in the shower. Neither of which is a good time to be typing on a phone, tablet or computer.

What is up with the Star Registry program? Apparently you can name a star after someone and it only costs $59. Sorry this scam is only if you live in the United States but they might have a similar program where you live. I don't recall the U.S. owning the sky or the stars so I don't know how they are able to do this. The guy in the radio commercial sounds like Penn Jillette. What a lame present to give someone. How the fuck do you know where the star is?

"Hey, I was lazy so I named a star after you."
"Which one?"
"Umm, that one." (points randomly at the sky)
 "How much did it cost?"
"Only $59!)
"Next time just give me the money, douche."

Let's change the subject. Say you are moving into your first apartment and you bought all brand new stuff, new furniture, new utensils, new linens, new toiletries, etc. Say you bought a new pair of scissors and new set of steak knives. How do you open the packages without having a pair of scissors or knife to open it? You will never be able to tear open that thick plastic. Seems like a catch-22. You might have to knock on your neighbors door to borrow their scissors unless their scissors are still in the packaging from when they moved in. This situation could spiral out of control.

Two topics to discuss with your friends.