Well it is that time again where I fill in for James Lipton on 'Inside the Actor's Studio.'He seems to be getting sick a lot. He should probably see a doctor about that chronic diarrhea and jock itch. Today I am interviewing someone that hasn't sat down for an interview in 20 years. For some reason he agreed to talk to me. I guess all you need to offer is some prostitutes and blueberry pie. Please welcome to the show Count Chocula.
Powdered Toast Man: Thank you for being on the show today. Can I call you Count?
Count Chocula: It is great to be here. I actually like to be called CC.
PTM: So first question CC, why has it been so long since you did an interview?
CC: It was something Larry King said to me but I can't even remember what it is anymore. He just got under my skin.
PTM: I know, he can be a real dick sometimes. And what is he 130 year old now?
CC: I think he died like 50 years ago and is now some sort of Zombie that drinks prune juice instead of eating brains.
PTM: Next question, what cereal mascot do you not get along with?
CC: Cap'n Crunch. He thinks he is so cool because he's a captain and he has a hat.
PTM: Interesting, I though it would have been the Trix Rabbit.
CC: No that guy is cool, just does too many drugs.
PTM: It figures. There was a rumor going around about 10 years ago that you were having an affair with Ms. Pacman. What can you tell us?
CC: It's true. Her and Pacman were having problems and were on a break for about a year so I swooped in and fooled around with Ms. Pacman for about 2 months. She is surprisingly flexible.
PTM: I have always had a thing for Ms. Pacman, you lucky bastard.
CC: I still have a pair of her panties if you are interested.
PTM: Talk to me after the show. Next question. Do you know any other Counts?
CC: Funny you should ask. I was actually part of the Counts Club back in 1997. There was the Count of Monte Cristo, the Count from Sesame Street, Count Dracula and Count Dooku. We had to kick Dracula out of the club after a couple of months because he get demanding that we form a band. He was so annoying. Everyday he would bring it up so we voted and we kicked him out. He was never the same after that. Our club only lasted another 6 months after we kicked out Dracula. I can't really explain what happened just that it involved a dead penguin.
PTM: Wow, I want to know but I don't want to know. Let's change things up. Do you have any questions for me?
CC: What is your favorite cereal? And if you say Cap'n Crunch I will stab you.
PTM: I like to mix Trix and Fruity Pebbles to make my own cereal.
CC: I knew you would pick something fruity. Can I lick your head?
PTM: Why is it every guest wants to lick me? I have been told by the legal department that I can't let people do that anymore. What I can tell you is that I will be at Poppi's Bar after the show
CC: I read you loud and clear.
PTM: Do you have nay kids?
CC: I got my high school girlfriend pregnant but we gave the baby up for adoption. I did some research and found that he was in the first two Home Alone movies. His name is now Macaulay Culkin. My fucking luck right?
PTM: That is crazy stuff. Well that is all the time we have today. Thank you for joining us today CC.
CC: No problem. I will see you at the bar. I will bring the panties.
PTM: Goodbye everyone.