Thursday, May 21, 2015

Inside the actor's studio

Well it is that time again where I fill in for James Lipton on 'Inside the Actor's Studio.'He seems to be getting sick a lot. He should probably see a doctor about that chronic diarrhea and jock itch. Today I am interviewing someone that hasn't sat down for an interview in 20 years. For some reason he agreed to talk to me. I guess all you need to offer is some prostitutes and blueberry pie. Please welcome to the show Count Chocula.

Image result for count chocula

Powdered Toast Man: Thank you for being on the show today. Can I call you Count?

Count Chocula: It is great to be here. I actually like to be called CC.

PTM: So first question CC, why has it been so long since you did an interview?

CC: It was something Larry King said to me but I can't even remember what it is anymore. He just got under my skin.

PTM: I know, he can be a real dick sometimes. And what is he 130 year old now?

CC: I think he died like 50 years ago and is now some sort of Zombie that drinks prune juice instead of eating brains.

PTM: Next question, what cereal mascot do you not get along with?

CC: Cap'n Crunch. He thinks he is so cool because he's a captain and he has a hat. 

PTM: Interesting, I though it would have been the Trix Rabbit.

CC: No that guy is cool, just does too many drugs.

PTM: It figures. There was a rumor going around about 10 years ago that you were having an affair with Ms. Pacman. What can you tell us?

CC: It's true. Her and Pacman were having problems and were on a break for about a year so I swooped in and fooled around with Ms. Pacman for about 2 months. She is surprisingly flexible.

PTM: I have always had a thing for Ms. Pacman, you lucky bastard. 

CC: I still have a pair of her panties if you are interested.

PTM: Talk to me after the show. Next question. Do you know any other Counts?

CC: Funny you should ask. I was actually part of the Counts Club back in 1997. There was the Count of Monte Cristo, the Count from Sesame Street, Count Dracula and Count Dooku. We had to kick Dracula out of the club after a couple of months because he get demanding that we form a band. He was so annoying. Everyday he would bring it up so we voted and we kicked him out. He was never the same after that. Our club only lasted another 6 months after we kicked out Dracula. I can't really explain what happened just that it involved a dead penguin.

PTM: Wow, I want to know but I don't want to know. Let's change things up. Do you have any questions for me?

CC: What is your favorite cereal? And if you say Cap'n Crunch I will stab you.

PTM: I like to mix Trix and Fruity Pebbles to make my own cereal. 

CC: I knew you would pick something fruity. Can I lick your head?

PTM: Why is it every guest wants to lick me? I have been told by the legal department that I can't let people do that anymore. What I can tell you is that I will be at Poppi's Bar after the show 
(wink, wink)

CC: I read you loud and clear. 

PTM: Do you have nay kids?

CC: I got my high school girlfriend pregnant but we gave the baby up for adoption. I did some research and found that he was in the first two Home Alone movies. His name is now Macaulay Culkin. My fucking luck right?

PTM: That is crazy stuff. Well that is all the time we have today. Thank you for joining us today CC.

CC: No problem. I will see you at the bar. I will bring the panties.

PTM: Goodbye everyone. 

Monday, May 18, 2015

Thoughts of the grocery store cashier

Why do I always get the old lady with the check book?

K-Y Jelly and two bunches of bananas. What is this lady up to?

Please don't ask for paper

Who is this line would I have sex with?

Fuck you lady and your 87 coupons!!!

I hate my job, I hate my job, Doo da doo da doo doo do, I hate my job

I will pay you $20 to kill me with this watermelon

I don't even know this guy but I hate him soooo much

Let's see what today's tally is: 12 assholes, 3 pedophiles, 5 bitches, 9 morons, 2 visible boners, 10 women showing too much cleavage, 6 farts and one nose picker

Great idea bringing your 3 annoying kids grocery shopping

Who needs 11 jars of olives? 

This lady has 'punch me in the baby maker' written all over her face

Let's see 6 peaches with no produce label, thanks ya jerk

Monday, July 7, 2014

Random Thoughts

Anytime I hear someone say 'who you gonna call," my immediate response is ghostbusters

Wouldn't a moat around a castle eventually sink the castle?

Does anyone monitor license plates after they are made? There could be one out there that reads 666-KKK

Why hasn't anyone invented a way to get into your car with an umbrella in the rain without getting wet?

If I am at the self checkout I do not need assistance from an employee. Leave me alone!!

At a red light why do people slowly inch their way into the intersection? Is that half a second really going to make you late?

I hate when I have an awesome random thought but forget to write it down. I would have like 12 other things to write in this post.

Why is it alright for a women to wear a bikini top at the beach but if she walked around town in just a bra it would be frowned upon?

Any time you call any customer service their menu options have always recently changed.

I've never seen a white guy work at a Chinese restaurant, seems racist.

Friday, May 9, 2014

Guess what?

Well it's that time again where I actually have free time and I am inspired to write a blog post. This is where I make promises about blogging that I won't be able to keep like posting more frequently and reading all the blogs that I am behind on. I keep saying that I will get back to a regular schedule of blogging but it just doesn't happen. I didn't think I would turn into one of those people that just disappeared from the blogosphere. I keep trying to come back but I don't have the same motivation and determination that I used to have. I totally missed the A to Z challenge this year but that would have been really tough to do since I haven't been at all consistent with my posts in the past year. I want to say that I will get back on track and do some writing and reading this summer since I don't have school but those are high aspirations.

My daughter is keeping me quite busy. She will already be a year old in June. I will have to remember to post some pictures and videos for you ladies that love babies. I am going to keep this short so I don't end up rambling on forever. Hopefully I will be back soon.

I will leave you with this thought: chocolate flavored coffee is called mocha but coffee flavored chocolate is also called mocha, why is that?

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Thoughts of a 8 month old baby

  • What is daddy doing to mommy?
  • I've got a surprise in my pants, and it's not a toaster.
  • I need to learn how daddy makes himself disappear and reappear.
  • That's mine and that's mine and that's mine and that's mine too.
  • I wonder what that remote control tastes like?
  • Ok mom, I'm ready for some steak.
  • So when I cry, I get a bottle. I'll have to remember that.
  • Why would you think that I would like liquid chicken?
  • Mommy and daddy need to keep those weird noised down, I am trying to sleep.
  • I wonder what Kat Dennings milk tastes like?
  • What's a penis?
  • Who keeps taking one of my socks?

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

my goal

one of my new year's resolutions is to get back to blogging. let's hope that comes true.

Thursday, October 17, 2013

I'm Still Here!!!!!!!!

 Hello fellow bloggers!! I have not been eaten by a zombie. I am a very busy man. I'm working full time, going to school full time and raising my 4 month old daughter. I think about blogging every week but never get any time to post or read anything. Stupid life always gets in the way.

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm thinking about you. I am still trying to find time. I will look under different rocks this time around.

 I love being a new dad and I know a lot of you have been waiting on some pics. Here are some to hold you over. There is a video in the previous post.

Photo: This is how Olivia wakes up on the morning.