Thursday, September 12, 2019

Couples counseling: Santa & The Mrs.


I recently took some online classes and now I am a certified couples counselor. I don't get paid as much as a therapist but it pays for my hummus addiction. I don't know how I did it but my first two patients are Santa and Mrs. Claus. I guess they have some free time now since Christmas is still a few months away. I also hear that Santa is pretty cheap and probably didn't want to spend the big bucks on some fancy quack.


PTM: Thank you Santa and Mrs. Claus for being my first two patients. Are you patients? I'm not sure what to call you since I am not a doctor. Would clients be better terminology? Anyway I am going to try to fix whatever problems you two are having. First I will talk to you separately and then bring you back together for a group session. Mrs. Claus I will chat with you first. Santa can you take a seat in the waiting room? There are plenty of dirty magazines and assorted donuts.



PTM: Mrs. Caus, how long have you and Santa been married?

Mrs. Claus: Fifty-eight years, but don’t ask Mr. Claus. His memory went years ago. He can’t even find the bathroom anymore. Thank goodness for Depends!

PTM: Was that a product plug? Didn't know you two sponsored stuff. What is the biggest problem in your relationship?

Mrs. Claus: I always have to spend Christmas alone. You would think just one time he’d send the elves out and stay home with me.

PTM: I never thought of that before, must get so lonely. What is your favorite thing about Santa?

Mrs. Claus: He tickles me. I can’t tell you where though.

PTM: I would do it too but my lawyers said I am not allowed to tickle guests anymore, not since that incident with Hugh Jackman. How would you describe your sex life?

Mrs. Claus: Let’s just say no one’s going up the chimney anymore.

PTM: I wouldn't kick you out of bed. If you were allowed to cheat on Santa with one person, who would that be?

Mrs. Claus: The Easter Bunny. His cousin is the Energizer Bunny, you know.

PTM: Why not the Energizer Bunny then? The Easter Bunny might be done in 3 minutes. What pet peeve of yours that Santa does drives you the most crazy?

Mrs. Claus: When he gets the reindeer games confused with hunting season. Poor little dears. We had to get all new reindeer last year.

PTM: That must be tough trying to find more magic reindeer. Why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children.

Mrs. Claus: Santa brought one home one year after his Christmas flight. Little fella kept running away, screaming ‘You’re not my real father. I’ll never rule the North Pole with you!’ I think a polar bear finally got him…

PTM: Poor little TImmy. What is a secret that the big guy doesn't know?

Mrs. Claus: Gary the elf down in shipping and I have had a thing going on for years now…

PTM: You just said no one goes up your chimney anymore. Unless your chimney is your butt hole. Now it makes sense. Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White?

Mrs. Claus: I’m not that kind of woman, but if it would entice the mister into some fun, I’d be willing to try.

PTM: That's hot. Do you find me attractive?



Mrs. Claus: Actually, with that little toast head, you look scrumptious and good enough to eat!

PTM: That definitely gave me some insight on your relationship. I'm curious to find out if Santa will answer the same way. You can head back to the waiting room now, Mrs. Claus. I hear the Elves are getting restless. Send Santa in please. 


PTM: Santa, how long have you and Mrs. Claus been married?

Santa: Three or five–hiccup—longer than I’ve been gettin’ sloshed on Jameson. Tosses empty whisky bottle at Frosty, who ducks. It hits Mrs. Claus’ tuchas as she’s, uh, tending to the elves.

PTM: Where did Frosty come from? I didn't even see him come in. What is the biggest problem in your relationship?

Santa: That right there. Points at her. She spends gobs of time with the elves. And when I wanna light her tree, she’s all ‘Not now, I’m too elfin tired.’ Man’s got needs!

PTM: You should talk to Gary in shipping. What is your favorite thing about Mrs. Claus?

Santa:  She puts on these fuchsia nip tassels and gets all snazzy vajazzled. That’s when I got yer North Pole right here, ya know? Santa points at his growin’ groin.

PTM: That is an impressive pole you got there. How would you describe your sex life?

Santa: It’s like a bipolar bear. Mostly frigid. But when it happens, which is twice a year (International Hot Dog Day and Yom Kippur), it’s like a flea market gorge fest. Belch.

PTM: Too bad she can only fit one wiener in her mouth on International Hot Dog Day. If you were allowed to cheat on your wife with one person, who would that be?

Santa She’s a little thick and tacky, but I’d take Robyn for a spin any time of year. I hear they’re real too. Santa nudges PTM with his elbow.

PTM: You must mean Rawkn Robyn from Life By Chocolate. Nice choice and I knew they were real!! What pet peeve of yours that Mrs. Claus does drives you the most crazy?

Santa: She measures me when I get out of the shower then busts out laughing, that *bleep*!

PTM: Next time you have to bring him to attention before you get out. Why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children.

Santa: Look at her! I don’t want no STDs. I use protection. Same ribbed condom’s been working for centuries. Guess I’m lucky that way.

PTM: Mrs. Claus has a different story but I'll believe you. What is a secret that the Mrs. doesn't know?

Santa: She has no idea how much Rudolph and I love to go riding. Got a cigarette?

PTM: I can see that happening. Reindeer are kinda sexy. Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White?

Santa: If she’ll pole dance in the raw with fuchsia nip tassels, sure.

PTM: I will give her people a call after the show and ask. Do you find me attractive?

Santa: I’ve noticed your nice, tight tuchas. I’d like to *bleep* *bleep* *bleeeeeeep* you.

PTM: Santa you are a dirty Sonuvabitch. I love it!! Now go grab your wife so I can talk to you both.

A knockoff version of Jeopardy theme song plays

PTM: You both gave some interesting answers to my questions. For the sake of privacy and that oath I took, I am not going to reveal what each of you said. I hope you both understand.

Santa: Oh no! Not another pregnancy scare?

Mrs. Claus: You’re such a sweet toast boy – I knew we could trust you.

PTM: Santa lay off the drugs. Mrs. Claus thank you for that. Now that we are in a safe space, is there anything you want to say to each other?

 Santa: I just wish you'd wear those fuchsia nip tassels once more for me.

Mrs. Claus: Two days a year? Have you ever asked me on Easter? May Day? I’ll show you some pole dancing…

PTM: I can understand how you both feel. Nipple tassels are the shit. What is one thing you wish the other would do more of?

Santa: Wear the fuchsia nip tassels for me!

Mrs. Claus: Bring me more gifts. The kids get everything. Even if he just wrapped that hot dog of his in a bow, I’d take it.

PTM: Very sexual answers, we are definitely getting somewhere. What is your biggest fear?

Santa: When I can no longer go South

Mrs. Claus: One day I’ll measure him and won’t find anything there…

PTM: Penis, penis, penis. Vagina, vagina, vagina. We have time for one more question. Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

Santa: Can you see my pole through this sack? Santa grabs his crotch.

Mrs. Claus: You must be chilly! I can’t see anything in your pants, either.

PTM: Awesome. After listening to you both I have come up with a solution for your relationship. Both of you need to wear fuchsia nipple tassels. That will fix everything. Now I called Betty White's people before you both came back. She is down for the threesome but she wants to make it a foursome. Apparently she loves toast, if you know what I mean.

Santa: Now we're talkin'! It's gonna be a White Christmas even before Yom Kippur!

Mrs. Claus: Break out the butter!: 



PTM: We are meeting her in 20 minutes, let's go!!

I would like to thank two of my blogger buddies that I've known for 10 years, but have never met in person, Alex J. Cavanaugh and Robyn Engel (aka Rawkn Robyn) for playing the parts of Santa and Mrs. Claus. Alex played Mrs. Claus and Robyn played an extra perverted Santa. 

If you don't know either of these awesome people than shame on you. 





Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Pop Culture Questions



I am finally going to answer those Pop culture questions that have plagued us for years. The questions stem from a song, movie, tv show, cartoon, board game, children's book or commercial.

Who let the dogs out? Probably your mom

What does the fox say? The same things as the kangaroo, armadillo, porcupine and electric eel.

Do you know the Muffin Man? Let me think. I know the Cupcake Boy, Donut Lady, Bagel Guy and Crumb Cake Twins. Nope no Muffin Man,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I need more info to answer this question. Is there a time limit? Is all the wood the same size? Does he/she get a break? Is the woodchuck actually throwing the wood or does chuck mean chew on?

Whooooooo, who are you? I'm a person tired of this question. You never remember my name and I'm not answering it anymore.

Oooh that smell, can't you smell that smell? It's me, I farted.

Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Yes, they don't know where the G-spot is.

Where's Waldo? He is tired of being found. He is at City Hall changing his name to Miguel.

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? She was kidnapped and murdered by Pirates. 

Got Milk? No I don't, thanks for reminding me. Oh, I need eggs too.

Where's the beef? I'm guessing wherever you left it.

Why did the chicken cross the road? It is none of my business.

Do you believe in magic? My wife still has sex with me, so yes.

What would you do for a Klondike bar? Watch two girls, one cup.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? I gave up. I figured out it was easier just to eat a tootsie roll.

It's 10 O'clock, do you know where your kids are? Why are you so curious???

Would you eat green eggs and ham? What kind of ham? Honey? Cold cut? Fresh ham? Is there ham juice?

Where have all the cowboys gone? If you live in a state that is not Texas, they went to Texas.

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Neither, the Rooster came first, inside the chicken to make the egg.

Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? I have no idea but he keeps leaving the stove on.

Are you ready to rumble? No but I am ready to get Jiggy with it.

Monday, September 9, 2019

Dad Jokes



It's Monday so here are some corny jokes to get you through the day.



Q: Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

A: Because he was outstanding in his field.




Q: What does an educated owl say?

A: Whom.



Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: Cuz if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

Thursday, September 5, 2019

Chewbacca's Bandolier: Hidden Treasure


Recently I interviewed Chewbacca and got down to the nitty gritty. My question that always tumbled around in my head is what is in his bandolier? He told me it was for his Pez stash but I didn't believe it for a second. While he was taking a shower in the dressing room I opened up the bandolier to see what was inside. This is what I found:

Expired condoms, size extra wide

13 passion fruit lip balms

About 50 bobby pins

Playing cards

Dominoes

Miniature Magic Eight Ball

Sewing kit with only yellow thread

Matchstick boxes filled with white rice

A  mouse skeleton

A recipe for sweet & sour meatballs

Tampons, size medium 

3 Game Gear cartridges, Sonic the Hedgehog, Madden '95 and Mortal Kombat

Travel size floss, tooth paste, shampoo and conditioner

Chinese finger traps

Blue jellybeans

Bird seed

Richard Nixon Pez dispenser

Werther's Originals

Polaroid picture of Han Solo dressed as Batman

Tweezers

All the player pieces to Monopoly

Live frog

Stick on tattoos

Keys to a 1987 Toyota Camry

Soy sauce packets from different Chinese food restaurants

His baby teeth

Friday, August 30, 2019

The Muppets Dark Secrets Revealed


Ever wonder if The Muppets had any deep, dark secrets? Well they do and I got each of them to spill the beans. I had to bribe each of them except for Fozzie Bear, he just told me without me asking him anything.

Kermit the Frog: Once ate frog legs thinking they were chicken and went back for seconds.

Miss Piggy: Has had three abortions.

Fozzie Bear: Buys his stand-up jokes online.

Gonzo: Has maxed out all his credit cards playing online poker.

Rowlf the Dog: Has had love affairs with five different cats.

Rizzo the Rat: Ate two of his siblings when he was only a few months old.

Scooter: Had sex with a male prostitute.

Statler & Waldorg: Watch the movie Clueless every night before bed.

The Swedish Chef: Is not Swedish at all. Mostly German, Scottish and Portuguese.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Has cloned Beaker.

Beaker: Is the clone and murdered the original Beaker.

Janice: Has been sprinkling speed onto Animal's cereal for 20 years.

Animal: Has written and published ten children's book anonymously.

Sam the Eagle: Was involved in a hit & run. Doesn't know if the man is alive.

Pepe the King Prawn: Is addicted to stealing spoons from restaurants.

Bobo the Bear: Voted for Trump.

Camila the Chicken: Has always felt she was born a turkey in a chicken's body.




Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Without using the letter 'E' - Revisited



Disclaimer: I attempted to write this post back in 2010. I thought I didn't use any E's but alas a fellow blogger found 3 of them. I tinkered around with it again and believe the rest of this post does not contain the letter E. I had to use a thesaurus to find other words. The post is a bit odd and you may find it difficult to make sense of it, that is okay. Maybe read it over twice to make sure there are no E's. A few things have changed since the original post. I have a son now but his name is Ryan. I do own blu-ray players and movies.My wife also got me Darkwing Duck DVD's for Christmas one year. This will all make sense soon. Without further ado....

***************************

I thought about writing this post on many occasions. It is difficult to brainstorm an original thought without applying that unambiguous symbol. Try it right now, think of any formation of words without that symbol. Hard, right? Now, think how hard it would occur to construct a thorough and continuous post without that symbol. I was having author's block during my brainstorming about this post. It should contain humor, random thoughts, originality, thought provoking topic, a post to talk about at an H20 apparatus and damn right phantasmagorical. I am thinking about what to concoct as I push all sorts of symbols on this plastic pad of random marks and symbols.

How about a quick nostalgic analysis?

DARKWING DUCK

I had a fancy for Darkwing Duck . That cartoon IS kick-ass. It's first affair was back in that 9th month of 1991. It ran for four minus uno occasions, from '91 to '93. Go on you know you want to sing that Darkwing song. Put your arm up high if you would want Launchpad McQuack as your trusty crony. I spot with my orbitals that most of you do. I am going to call my first son Lauchpad. What a fantastic monogram. My son would automatically turn into a pilot with that tag. I want a job as Darkwing Duck. That duck has loads of fun. I wish to own DVD's of that cartoon. My b-day is July 14th if anybody is blurry on what to buy P-Toast Man. I am not on a blu-ray wagon up to now, so only mail DVD's to my location. Who was Darkwing Duck? Did Darkwing hold similar blood with a distinct duck family? McDucks? How did Lauchpad go from that particular duck show, DuckSagas (wink wink) to Darkwing Duck? Did Launchpad attain a boot out? I fancy solutions and justification!! I miss old cartoons. Nowadays' cartoons do not stack up to particular toons of my youth. Cartoons kind of suck now. Mr. MoistPadBob StraightRhombusPants has an omission from said dumb cartoons of nowadays.

Okay that is all I got for this post. It was difficult and took a long duration. But it was fun. I might try it again. If you find any of that symbol I could not apply, point it out to muah. I await your input.

What you long to catch with your audio organs...



Monday, August 26, 2019

Street Fighter II: Meeting with Human Resources



Ken from the Street Fighter II video game gets called down to Human Resources for a meeting. Here is how that meeting went.

Image result for ken from street fighter

 Human Resources Supervisor Glenn: Ken, thank you for meeting with me today. I will get straight to the point. We have had several complaints about you. E. Honda claims you have been clogging up his toilet. Guile said you keep prank calling him. Blanka said something but I can never understand what that dude is saying. I'm here to see if  all these allegations are true. I decided to review your file. I found out that you possess the same abilities as Ryu. He has the Hadoken, Shoryuken and Hurricane Kick and so do you. Are you just copying all of his moves?

Ken: Well, yeah, he said it was okay.

Glenn: Oh, well then that clears up everything.

Ken: Phew! Can I go then?

Glenn: Not just yet. Let me just call Ryu to confirm what you said. Picks up the phone. Hello, Ryu. It is Glenn from HR. I just have one question for you. Did you say it was okay for Ken to copy all of your moves? Oh, I see. Is that right? Very interesting. Thank you for your help. Enjoy your lunch. Well, Ken, according to Ryu he didn't give you any such permission. He said he has asked you repeatedly to stop stealing his moves. Anything you care to say?

Ken: Ryu is a fucking liar! He just knows I can perform those moves better than him.  Who are you going to believe?

Glenn: Please resist the use of profanity when you are in my office. Ryu has been with us for years and we have never had any issues. You joined us only two months ago and already there are several issues. That call to Ryu was just a formality. I already knew the answer, I just wanted to see your reaction. I did some digging on you. I found out that no one actually hired you. How did you get to be on the Street Fighter team?

Ken: What are you talking about? Steve hired me.

Glenn: We do not have any one named Steve that works here.

Ken: Did I say Steve, I meant Sal.

Glenn: Ummm, who?

Ken: Sally, it was Sally.

Glenn: Is this a joke? I'm not amused.

Ken: Just stares blankly with mouth agape.

Glenn: Well, explain yourself!!

Ken: Starts to cry. I'm a fraud. I don't belong here. I have been hiding from my girlfriend Barbie. She's crazy. I only meant to stay for a couple of days but it is so cool here. Starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Glenn: Hold it together man. Show some dignity.

Ken: Sorry, sorry,  I'm so ashamed of myself.

Glenn: So why are you hiding from your girlfriend?

Ken: I slept with her sister Skipper.

Glenn: That is fucked up. Was she at least hot?

Ken: Ohh yeah. But she is crazy too. I can't go back. Can I stay? Pleeeeeease?

Glenn: Fine, just stop crying. You are embarrassing yourself. You can stay but you have to come up with your own moves and you have to apologize to E. Honda, Guile, Blanka and especially Ryu. You better get on your hand and knees for that one.

Ken: Thank you, thank you. You won't regret it.

Glenn. I am already regretting it. Do you have anything else to add before you leave?

Ken: Yeah, what is Chun- Li's story?