Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Paw Patrol Concerns

If you are a parent of a young child or you are a lonely loser that watches kids' cartoons, you have probably watched a few episodes of Paw Patrol. My 2 year old son is addicted to it and it is basically the only show he will watch. I have  a few issues with this show. Maybe you have similar thoughts. If you have never seen the show, go watch an episode and then read my gripes.

  •  They have a lot of expensive vehicles and gadgets. Who is funding the Paw Patrol? Is it the taxpayers of Adventure Bay or a wealthy backer?

  • How is it that the pups can talk but not any other animal?

  •  How old is Rider and where are his parents?

  •  How come we never get to see the town of Foggy Bottom?

  •  How does Marshall store so much water in his water cannons? There is no room in his pack.

  •  How does Mayor Humdinger continue to get reelected?

  •  Zuma is very underutilized, what's up with that?

  •  How does PETA feel about the Paw Patrol?

  •  Do the Paw Patrol vehicles run on gas or are they electric?

Thursday, July 5, 2018

Thoughts of an Uber passenger

Thoughts of an Uber passenger

  • Is this driver going to rape or murder me?
  • It's not raining, why is this seat wet?
  • Oh great, another Indian guy I can't understand
  • That 3rd breakfast burrito was a big mistake
  • Please don't talk to me, please don't talk to me, please don't talk to me
  • Do I tell him his car smells like a sweaty gym sock or does he already know that?
  • I can see you trying to look at my tits in the rear view mirror!!
  • Yeah, that's what we all want, lukewarm bottles of water and a bucket of butterscotch candy
  • I really can't tell if this driver is male or female. If I could only sneak a pic of him/her to show someone. What's their name again? Oh, right, Jamie, that doesn't help. The voice could go either way too. I don't really see boobs but that doesn't mean anything. Oh my god this is driving me crazy!!

Monday, May 15, 2017

How are you?

This phrase/greeting has always bothered me. How so you ask? Well, I work in a retail/customer service job and I talk to about 150 to 200 people a day. That is a lot of 'how are yous' to listen to and say. I just don't like as a society that we have replaced the simple hello/hi to an unrealistic obligation. When people say this phrase to me they could care less about how I am actually doing. They are just following the social norms. What they really mean is hi but for some reason unbeknownst to me they would rather stick me with a question to answer.

If you ask me how I am, I am not going to give you the typical 'good, how are you' response. I am going to throw you off by saying something like; I'm tired or hungry or maybe a little horny. But you don't really care how I am and frankly nor do I care how you are doing. Can't we just say 'what's up instead. It is much more low key and does not elicit an actual response to the question. You can merely just say what's up right back.

If you really want to engage in conversation maybe change up your opening. How about: How is your day going so far? or How is the family doing? or What are your plans for the weekend? or Did you get rid of that rash yet?

Over the years my mother has perfected the How are you response into one word: goodnu. Long version: Good and how are you? I am thinking she doesn't give a shit either and that is where I probably get it from. Or maybe I am just a cynical asshole.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Gyno or bank teller?

Recently I did a post on things a bank teller would say that would be weird coming from your gynecologist. Someone requested that I do it the other way so here are things a gynecologist might say that would be weird coming from your bank teller.

'You can take your pants off now'

'When was your last period?'

'After examining you, I believe you have a yeast infection'

'This might pinch a little'

'Do your breasts ever get sore?'

'Have you always had this mole?'

'Do you plan on getting pregnant anytime soon?'

'There is some blood but that is perfectly normal'

'That's herpes alright'

'Some of them do have an unpleasant odor'

Tuesday, May 2, 2017

Random Thoughts and Junk

How are we growing seedless watermelons without the seeds from the watermelon to grow them? That's like women giving birth without any eggs in their ovaries. Are these watermelons being artificially inseminated?

I learned that peanuts are used in the making of dynamite. Are people that are allergic to peanuts able to handle dynamite? "No, it wasn't the dynamite that killed him, it was his peanut allergy."

If the Hulk cut off Thor's hand, could he pick up the hammer using Thor's hand? Also if Thor is holding the hammer can the Hulk pick him up?

Do you know that the average cloud weighs 1.1 million pounds? I bet you are Googling that to see if it is true. I'll wait......... blew your mind didn't it?

When is the last time someone heard a car alarm going off and thought the car was being stolen? Let's do away with the car alarm, it doesn't work.

Are the flowers that bees are pollinating consenting to being pollinated? Or is it flower rape?

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

You might hear otherwise

Things your bank teller might say that would be weird coming from your gynecologist.

- "How much does your husband come and make deposits in here?"

- "You have quite a bit of money in there"

- "I see your mother and sister in here all the time"

- "I can't accept tips"

- "Is it okay if I give your kid a lollipop?"

- "I can only take rolled coin"

- "I need to see your license before I can do that"

- "Have you heard about our credit card promotion?"

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Artichokes or wizards?

Holy crap, it has been almost a month since I posted something. I lost track of time or I have been lazy and tired. I need to search around in my bag of creativity to create something worth reading. Stay tuned for something amazing. Until then don't you love the feeling of putting on a brand new pair of socks. Isn't it like an orgasm for your feet?