Monday, January 16, 2017

New Year's Top Ten Goals



  1. To stop picking my nose in the car and swiping the boogers under the seat
  2. To stop jerking off while the dog is watching me
  3. To finally ask the barista at the coffee house about her uni-brow
  4. To find out what the parents of Dick Butkus were thinking when they named him
  5. To yell out the 'N' word on a city bus just to see what happens
  6. To finally gain the courage to beat up a clown
  7. To go up to the hot girl that works at Abercrombie & Fitch, grab her big titties and run like the wind
  8. To cut a bagel perfectly in half
  9. Learn to play the bagpipes, then to never play them again
  10. Get a random game of Tag going at a gas station 



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Wednesday, January 11, 2017

Back in Business



So I have decided to try and give this blogging thing another shot. I have been pretty much on hiatus since mid 2013 with a sprinkling of random posts here and there just to let you know I wasn't murdered. I don't even know who blogs anymore from back in the day (4 years ago). I guess I will have to search the interweb for some old friends.

The main reason I stopped blogging was because my daughter was born. She is 3 years old now. And those of you who are friends with me on Facebook know I now have a 3 month old son. It should be much easier to consistently blog with two kids....right?

I also finished school 2 years ago and have done nothing with my degree. I really just wanted a piece of paper in a plaque with my name on it. I still have yet to buy the plaque.

I've been married for four years now. Most of you probably don't care but there are a select few of you that were curious to know if PTM was still unavailable.

I want to keep this short seeing how only one person is going to read my first few posts. I will try and remember how to be funny and make up stupid shit like I did at one point on this blog.

See ya around folks!

Thursday, August 27, 2015

What's Up?


I haven't posted anything in over a month. And I don't have much to say now so I will leave you with a random thought.

What is the difference between jam, jelly, fruit preserve and marmalade?

You don't see peanut butter come in so many different varieties.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Time for some ranting


I think the one thing we can all agree on is that no one knows how to drive in this country (USA) anymore. I live in Connecticut and there is an epidemic of people running red lights. And I am not talking about just turned red as they were going thru. I am talking about the light being green on my side for 2 to 3 seconds and these assholes are still whizzing thru the intersection. And it is not just one intersection and not just a few cars, it is all the time! The crazy part is that other drivers know about this problem and wait at the green light for a few seconds before going.

And somehow I have not witnessed a single accident. That is what blows my mind. Sometimes there is a whole line of cars that does it. Boggles my brain every time I see it happen.

Another frustrating thing are pedestrians that walk across the street at any old time without even looking to see if there are cars coming at them. Use the crosswalk and look to see if you are going to be hit by a car before you cross. Especially don't run across the road at night. I cannot see you and I will go to prison for vehicular manslaughter.

If you live in Connecticut, please don't be either of these assholes. Good day.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Dirty Joke of the Week




Q; Why are cowgirls bowlegged?

A: Because cowboys like to eat lunch with their hats on.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Weird Laws: Part 17


Weird laws of the USA

Rhode Island

No one may bite off another's leg. So arms are fair game?

One must make a loud noise before passing a car on the left. I recommend firing off a canon, it really gets the point across.

You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday. What if I want the bundle pack where it all comes in the same box?

South Carolina

Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. Good thing I keep my horses in the hot tub and my chicken in the bathtub.

A person must be eighteen years old to play a pinball machine. It is because most of the pinball machines are Rated-R.

A permit must be obtained to fire a missile. For a nuke you need a license. 

South Dakota

If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them. Can't argue with that logic. 

No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants. Must be a pretty schwanky joint. 

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. Hungry mice might carry you away.

Tennessee

It is a crime to share your Netflix password. Anytime I use a public toilet I write my password on the stall. 

It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish. That would just be hilarious to watch. 

Giving and receiving oral sex is still prohibited by law. How else are college girls going to get an A on their Econ final?

Sunday, June 28, 2015

What's rolling around up there



I don't understand personalized license plates. They only make sense to the people driving that car. Most of the time it is a guessing game, trying to figure out what the letters and numbers could mean. But even if we decipher the puzzle, we still don't actually know the meaning behind it. It's like the driver is fucking with us by putting "LUV2CKS". They love to make cakes? They love two cocks? They love to cookies? We will never know.

Why did Domino's change it's name from Domino's Pizza to Domino's? So they want to say that they are more than just pizza. Can't they just say that without having to spend millions of dollars to change every sign, pizza box, napkin and merchandise. Seems like a waste of money. I don't think anyone cares.

Why are there no female breakfast cereal mascots? I remember one, the Waffle Crisp Grannies but that cereal doesn't exist anymore so it's a sausagefest out there in cereal land.

Why is it acceptable to say bye-bye or b-bye but it doesn't work with a greeting like hi-hi or h-hello? And why is it goodbye but not good hello?

I have been overwhelmed and underwhelmed but never just whelmed. Have you ever been whelmed?