Tuesday, June 9, 2020

Write Something

Anyone else feel drained of creative juices? I have 55 drafts/ideas but my brain doesn't want to cooperate. Plus these damn kids are wearing me out. When I finally sit down to write I am exhausted, mentally and physically. Coffee isn't doing the job it used to do. 

I am not complaining. I just wanted to write something instead of staring at the computer screen. I haven't ranted in awhile. Seemed like a good time. Ummm... I don't have anything else to rant about. Well that was a big waste of time. 

I know why men have nipples but I am not telling you. 

Wednesday, May 27, 2020

Failed inventions

Edible soap

Reusable toilet paper

Reversible diapers

Chicken flavored turkey

Non-alcoholic Whiskey

Coffee flavored milk

Glow in the dark bra

Magnetic coins

The O.J. Simpson Trial Video Game

Rape Whistle App

Communist Monopoly

Bacon scented deodorant

Pet Fish flea collar

Fireproof coffin

Cat nail polish

Tuesday, May 19, 2020

Discontinued Road Signs

Slow, Adults Drinking

Fallen Crack Pipe Zone

Stop, Hammer Time

Do Not Enter, unless your're an asshole

Polar Bear Crossing

Caution: Slippery when moist

Active Volcano Area

Road Work Ahead. Prepare to be annoyed

Yield to Podiatrists

Stop sign sign ahead

Left turns only between the hours of 1pm & 3pm on the 1st and 3rd Tuesday

Speed Limit 69

Monday, May 4, 2020

Flopped car model names

Car models we know and the names that were thrown out.

Kept: Patriot

Thrown out:  United States of America, Geep, Thing-a-majig, Stars & Stripes, #8

Kept: Tahoe

Thrown out: Detroit, Harlem, Mississippi, Baghdad, Cancun

Kept: Pilot

Thrown out: Co-pilot, Air Traffic Controller, Stewardess, Jet Blue, Adnoh

Kept: Town & Country

Thrown out: Horse & Buggy, Peaks & Valleys, Chutes & Ladders, Spaghetti & Meatballs, Vanity

Kept: Mustang

Thrown out: Clydesdale, Miniature Horse, Appaloosa, Shetland Pony, Mr. Ed

Kept: Ram

Thrown out: Ewe, Billy Goat, Llama, Emu, Lamb Chop

Kept: Pathfinder

Thrown out: Walkway, 5th Avenue, Yellow Brick Road, Oregon Trail, Rocky Road

Thursday, April 30, 2020

Not well known presidential quotes

"Ninety-nine percent of failures come from people named Tevin or Fannie." - George Washington

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and the Boogeyman." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

"The harder the conflict, the greater the triumph unless the conflict is with your wife." - George Washington

"It's easier to do a job right, if you hire one more Mexican." - Martin Van Buren

"It is not strange... to mistake Nathan Fillion for Jeremy Renner." - Millard Fillmore

"You don't know what you don't know because you don't know, you know." - Franklin Pierce

"Most folks are as happy as their tarot card readers tells them they are." Abraham Lincoln

"In the end, it is not the years in your life that count. It is how many Instagram followers you have." - Abraham Lincoln

"It is hard to fail, but it is worse if you were the brains behind New Coke." -Theodore Roosevelt

"Do what you can, with what you have and what you can steal." - Theodore Roosevelt

"Be patient and calm, no one can catch a fish while holding a crying baby." - Herbert Hoover

"What counts is not necessarily the size of the dog in the fight - it's the size of the gun on the dog owner." - Dwight D. Eisenhower

Monday, April 27, 2020

Pros & Cons: Corona Virus


More time with the family

Finish writing that book you have been working on

Check things off the Honey-Do List

So much sex

Something to complain to the grandchildren about in 20 years

No traffic to deal with

Finally time to start your Youtube channel

Binging on Netflix and Disney+

You figure out time travel

You catch up on playing Oregon Trail


You can die

More time with the family

Can't go anywhere, become stir crazy

You have 47 bags full of bottle returns

Divorce is even more imminent

Cookies and ice cream are now for breakfast

There is no more toilet paper

People are naming their kids Corona and Covid

Strip clubs are closed

Your septic is backing up

Tuesday, April 21, 2020

Interview with Corona Virus

Due to advances in technology, artificial intelligence and medical science we were able to insert the Corona Virus into a robot in order to conduct an interview.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man): Thank you Corona Virus for sitting down with us today. I am going to call you CV for short.

CV (Corona Virus): Glad to be here. I am going to call you PTM for short.

PTM: Sounds good. I am just going to get to the meat and potatoes of this thing. What the fuck are you doing?

CV: Umm, what do you mean? You have to be more specific.

PTM: What do I mean? You have killed thousands of people and infected thousands more. Why?

CV: You might find this funny. I was trying to get revenge on a guy named Gus that bullied me in middle school. 

PTM: So why didn't you just infect him?

CV: Well, I couldn't remember his last name and I haven't seen him in years so I don't know what he looks like. 

PTM: That is like trying to kill an ant with a bazooka.

CV: I know, I know. But he was a real jerk. He stole all my POGS and Slammers. Do you remember POGS?

PTM: Yes, I played with them when I was in 4th grade. They were a short lived fad. I am sure the people watching at home are going to Google POGS because they have no idea what they are.

CV: I bought some on Ebay last year if you want to play after the show.

PTM: Maybe if I have enough time before my bikini wax. Stop trying to sweet talk me. You are still a deadly virus that is causing a pandemic. Do you even know if Gus was infected?

CV: No, no I don't. I figured it would eventually get to him. 

PTM: That is what you are banking on?!? 

CV: I know it isn't the best plan. At least it is better than the plans Plankton has on SpongeBob Squarepants. I love that show.

PTM: I am finding it hard to hate you. That is one of my favorite shows. I reference it all the time.

CV: What do you think a Krabby Patty is made of? It can't be beef can it? Where would they get it from?

PTM: I don't know but my grandma has a theory that it has real and imitation crab in it.

CV: That would make Mr. Krabs so evil. Although, I have never seen him eat a Krabby Patty. 

PTM: That is a good point. I just thought my grandma was going a little crazy.

CV: We all go a little crazy sometimes.

PTM: So can you stop spreading the virus already?

CV: Not until I know Gus is dead.

PTM: What if I just track down Gus and kill him myself?

CV: I guess that would work.

PTM: I will assemble my team and get to work on finding Gus.

CV: Or was his name Kevin?

PTM: I fucking hate you. Forget about playing POGS. Just go, interview over.

CV: I will friend you on Facebook.