Thursday, August 27, 2015

What's Up?


I haven't posted anything in over a month. And I don't have much to say now so I will leave you with a random thought.

What is the difference between jam, jelly, fruit preserve and marmalade?

You don't see peanut butter come in so many different varieties.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Time for some ranting


I think the one thing we can all agree on is that no one knows how to drive in this country (USA) anymore. I live in Connecticut and there is an epidemic of people running red lights. And I am not talking about just turned red as they were going thru. I am talking about the light being green on my side for 2 to 3 seconds and these assholes are still whizzing thru the intersection. And it is not just one intersection and not just a few cars, it is all the time! The crazy part is that other drivers know about this problem and wait at the green light for a few seconds before going.

And somehow I have not witnessed a single accident. That is what blows my mind. Sometimes there is a whole line of cars that does it. Boggles my brain every time I see it happen.

Another frustrating thing are pedestrians that walk across the street at any old time without even looking to see if there are cars coming at them. Use the crosswalk and look to see if you are going to be hit by a car before you cross. Especially don't run across the road at night. I cannot see you and I will go to prison for vehicular manslaughter.

If you live in Connecticut, please don't be either of these assholes. Good day.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Dirty Joke of the Week




Q; Why are cowgirls bowlegged?

A: Because cowboys like to eat lunch with their hats on.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Weird Laws: Part 17


Weird laws of the USA

Rhode Island

No one may bite off another's leg. So arms are fair game?

One must make a loud noise before passing a car on the left. I recommend firing off a canon, it really gets the point across.

You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday. What if I want the bundle pack where it all comes in the same box?

South Carolina

Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. Good thing I keep my horses in the hot tub and my chicken in the bathtub.

A person must be eighteen years old to play a pinball machine. It is because most of the pinball machines are Rated-R.

A permit must be obtained to fire a missile. For a nuke you need a license. 

South Dakota

If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them. Can't argue with that logic. 

No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants. Must be a pretty schwanky joint. 

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. Hungry mice might carry you away.

Tennessee

It is a crime to share your Netflix password. Anytime I use a public toilet I write my password on the stall. 

It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish. That would just be hilarious to watch. 

Giving and receiving oral sex is still prohibited by law. How else are college girls going to get an A on their Econ final?

Sunday, June 28, 2015

What's rolling around up there



I don't understand personalized license plates. They only make sense to the people driving that car. Most of the time it is a guessing game, trying to figure out what the letters and numbers could mean. But even if we decipher the puzzle, we still don't actually know the meaning behind it. It's like the driver is fucking with us by putting "LUV2CKS". They love to make cakes? They love two cocks? They love to cookies? We will never know.

Why did Domino's change it's name from Domino's Pizza to Domino's? So they want to say that they are more than just pizza. Can't they just say that without having to spend millions of dollars to change every sign, pizza box, napkin and merchandise. Seems like a waste of money. I don't think anyone cares.

Why are there no female breakfast cereal mascots? I remember one, the Waffle Crisp Grannies but that cereal doesn't exist anymore so it's a sausagefest out there in cereal land.

Why is it acceptable to say bye-bye or b-bye but it doesn't work with a greeting like hi-hi or h-hello? And why is it goodbye but not good hello?

I have been overwhelmed and underwhelmed but never just whelmed. Have you ever been whelmed?

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

That ol' saying


We have some sayings that have been around for awhile that we just say because we have heard them all our lives. But have you ever actually thought about what these sayings really mean and where they came from?

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink" - Are horses that dumb that they need us to lead them to the water. They are animals, I think they are fully capable of finding water on their own. And how would one forcibly make a horse drink water? I would like to see that.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too" - Why wouldn't I be able to eat my own cake? Why would someone give me cake and tell me I couldn't have any? If I get my own cake, you are damn well going to let me eat it too.

"The cat's pajamas" - If you ask someone if they liked something and they said it was the cat's pajamas, we somehow know they meant it was pretty good. Who are these people that are pajaming their cats? The world is filled with too many hoarders with 75 dead cats in their homes, we don't need people trying to put pjs on their cats too.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" - By bird do they mean penis?

"As happy as a clam" - I have conversed with many clam in my day and none of them seem that happy. Most of them come from broken homes or they are in bad relationships. The phrase should be changed to "As happy as a dog licking it's crotch."

"As easy as pie" - Eating or baking? Because they are two very different things. And I am sure that some pies are a lot harder to make than others. This saying needs to be more specific. Or maybe it was said by a mathematician and they meant easy as Pi.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Honest Corporate Slogans


What if corporate slogans had some truth to them?


Skittles - "Taste the cavities"

Hot Pockets - "Every bite is a different temperature"

Maybelline - "Maybe she is born with it, maybe it's photoshop"

Triscuits - "Every box is guaranteed to cut the roof of your mouth"

Facebook - "Keeping divorce lawyers in business"

AOL - "How are we not bankrupt by now?"

Chapstick - "You'll lose it before the tube is empty"

Digiorno - "It's obviously not delivery"

Gillette - "You keep buying them and we will keep adding more blades"

IKEA - "We add in extra parts just to fuck with you"

Pringles - "We only make the can that size so you get your hand stuck"

MTV - "If you are looking for music listen to Pandora"

WebMD  - "Convince yourself you have a disease"