Monday, January 13, 2020

Did You Know?

40 million years ago Penguins were 6 feet tall and weighed over 250 pounds.

Must have been similar to the penguin in Super Mario 64 that you had to race down the ice slide.

Russia is about the same size as Pluto in square kilometers.

I live in the USA. I need that converted to square miles.

On average, a person sheds about 100 pounds of skin in their lifetime.

Then why am I not losing any weight?

Wednesday, January 8, 2020

New Year's Resolutions

Elmo - Stop talking in the 3rd person

Cap'n Crunch - Stop sending death threats to the Trix Rabbit

The Hulk - Practice meditation

Big Foot - Start a Youtube channel

Michael J. Fox - Get most of the pee in the toilet

Stevie Wonder - Learn how to drive

Molly Ringwald - Quit my job at Foot Locker

The Big Bad Wolf - Stick to my plant based diet

John Madden - I forgot

Betty White - Learn how to ride a unicycle

Santa Claus - Convince the wife to do anal

Ronald Mcdonald - Catch that damn Hamburglar

Vanilla Ice - Start a band

Waldo - Come out of hiding

Elmer Fudd - Hire a hitman to murder Bugs Bunny

Justin Bieber - Go back to my home planet

Barack Obama -Stop wearing black face

John Travolta - Admit that i'm g.... gonna star in a musical

O.J. Simpson - Buy a new Ford Bronco

Tyler Perry - Make a movie worth watching

Monday, January 6, 2020

Did You Know?

Some interesting facts with a little added snark.

If your nearest Waffle House is closed, you should probably run. Because the=hour chain only shuts down during absolute devastation, FEMA unofficially determines the severity of natural disasters by whether local Waffle Houses remain open or not. They call this "The Waffle House Index."

So if you work at IHOP, you must be a pussy.

You can fit 63 Earths inside Uranus.

You are going to need a lot of space lube.

An Earth year is 365.2214 days. We have leap years every four years to account for this extra day.

I always though a leap year designed by the school system to give us more homework.

Thursday, January 2, 2020

Celebrity survey questions

I mailed out a questionnaire to a boat load of celebrities. Surprisingly a lot of them responded. I picked the survey responses at random. Here are some of them.

Question: What is your favorite food?

Tom Hanks wrote: Fried shrimp, boiled shrimp, shrimp scampi, shrimp gumbo, shrimp kabobs, coconut shrimp, bbq shrimp, spaghetti with shrimp, raw shrimp, scrambled eggs & shrimp...

Janet Jackson wrote: Hershey nipples, I mean kisses.

Chris Christie wrote: Children

Question: What is your worst childhood memory?

Caitlin Jenner wrote: Having a penis.

Meatloaf wrote: My mom doing anything for love.

Macaulay Culkin wrote: Being left home alone during Christmas. That's right, it was based on real events.

Question:  Name a superpower you would want to have.

Nicholas Cage wrote: The ability to not accept shitty movie roles.

Pamela Anderson wrote: Be able to inflate or deflate my breasts whenever I wanted to.

Betty White wrote: To undo my immortality.

Question: If you could only ever watch one movie, what would it be and why?

Vanilla Ice wrote: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. You know why.

Neil Patrick Harris wrote: Mean Girls. I know I'm gay but I still have a thing for Lindsay Lohan.

Bill Clinton wrote: Shallow Hal. Something about Gwyneth Paltrow with some mean on her bones just rubs me the right way.

Monday, December 16, 2019

Would you rather game

Would you rather........

1) See into the future OR read people's minds?

2) Do something great for humanity but be remembered as a bad person OR do nothing great but be remembered as a hero?

3) Be able to eat anything you wanted and not gain weight OR sleep only an hour but receive the benefits of sleeping 8 hours?

4) Have an old head with a young body OR young head with an old body?

5) Never have to poop again OR never have to brush your teeth?

6) Be allergic to chocolate OR be allergic to coffee?

My decisions:

1) See into the future. I don't want to know what other people are thinking.

2) Do something great. I'm not a big enough dick to go the other way.

3) Eat anything I want. The sleep thing is very tempting but I would probably use that time to eat.

4) Young head with old body. This way being naked surprises everybody.

5) Never have to brush my teeth. I enjoy a good poop. Plus I won't have to go to the dentist.

6) Coffee. I am addicted to chocolate and can get my caffeine fix elsewhere.

Don't let my answers influence you.

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Interview with Gorton's Fisherman

It is time for me to play guest hose on 'Inside the Actor's Studio' again. James Lipton is pretty cool and lets me come on here whenever I want. All he wants in return are pictures of Harriet Tubman wearing lingerie. Those pictures are impossible to find so it is a good thing that my buddy is good at photoshop. Today's guest is that well-known fisherman from Gorton's seafood.

Powdered Toast Man: Thank you for being with us today.

Gorton's Fisherman: Glad to be here PTM, I love your show.

Powdered Toast Man: What show?

Gorton's Fisherman: To Catch a Predator.

Powdered Toast Man: That is Chris Hansen. I have a blog called 'Just the Cheese'.

Gorton's Fisherman: I always get you two mixed up. And I have never heard of your blog.

Powdered Toast Man: That's okay. I don't eat your seafood. 

Gorton's Fisherman: I don't either. I prefer Mrs. Pauls.

Powdered Toast Man: Aren't you afraid you might lose your job by saying that?

Gorton's Fisherman: Nah, I got dirt on all the big shots. They aren't getting rid of me without making a big mess.

Powdered Toast Man: You play dirty, I like that. 

Gorton's Fisherman: You should see me in the bedroom. That yellow raincoat comes in handy in other ways if you know what I mean. 

Powdered Toast Man: I really, really don't and I have no interest in finding out. 

Gorton's Fisherman: That is disappointing. Word on the street is that you are kinky as all get out.

Powdered Toast Man: I was, I mean I am. Uhh, I had to tone it down a bit. I'm involved in several sexual harassment cases at the moment. Mums the word.

Gorton's Fisherman: I hear ya loud and clear. Been there done that. What a headache.

Powdered Toast Man: I am embarrassed to ask this now but are you Gorton or do you just work for him?

Gorton's Fisherman: Everyone is confused by this too. Gorton is the name of the boat. My name is Ben. 

Powdered Toast Man: Thanks for the clarification. You look like a Ben. 

Gorton's Fisherman: Thanks, I get that a lot. You look delicious.

Powdered Toast Man: Thanks, I get that a lot too.

Gorton's Fisherman: Is this interview going to be over soon?

Powdered Toast Man: Why?

Gorton's Fisherman: I think I ate some bad clams for breakfast. I got something percolating here.

Powdered Toast Man: That is all I needed to know. Maybe we can have you back and actually answer some real questions.

Gorton's Fisherman: Sounds gooooood. He says as he runs down the hall to the bathroom.

Friday, December 6, 2019

Rare Interview

Repost from 2010.

I think that Jaws gets a bad rap. We don't know what was going on in his life. We all just assume he's an evil shark bent on killing innocent people. We don't know the truth....... until now. I recently found a rare interview with Jaws' wife after his untimely death. Never before released to the public.

Reporter Neil Blacksmith & Jaws' Wife

I am sorry for your loss Mrs. Jaws

Thank you Neil, you can call me Marg.

Marg, I apologize in advance if my questions are blunt but people need to know things.

That's quite alright. Ask whatever you want.

Did you know your husband was a serial killer?

How dare you call him that!! He was a good fish, he didn't deserve what he got (starts to tear).

How was he a good fish? He murdered innocent people.

You don't know what he was going through. He was recently diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia with multiple personalities. He didn't know what he was doing half the time.

Please, continue.

He was such a gentle husband and father. He never hurt anybody for any reason. He would come home with blood all over him with an arm or a leg hanging out of his mouth and he had no idea what happened. He didn't know he was killing people. His other personality was doing it. I named his other half Lenny. We didn't know what to do. We couldn't go to the police, they would just lock him up or throw him in the loony bin. We thought the problem would just go away on it's own but it just ended up getting worse. What would you have done?

I'm sorry, what was the question? Your cleavage is distracting me.

You perv!! You track me down to interview me and then you stare at my chest? Is this how you do all your interviews?

Well... yeah, if the person/fish I'm interviewing has big boobs and is wearing a skimpy top. Don't get mad at me, I'm just a guy.

You best be glad that my eldest son isn't here or he would tear off your arms off (grabs her jacket and covers herself up). Now can you concentrate?

Yes, I'm sorry, can we continue with the interview? (nonchalantly conceals his massive erection).

I suppose so...... I hated that Quint, he got what he deserved. I would of ate him if my husband didn't. He was such an asshole. I am still trying to track down Chief Brody. I am going to enjoy eating him little by little (licking her lips and showing her teeth). I'm starting to get hungry.

What's for dinner? I'm pretty hun......... CHOMP!

(son enters the room) Mom, where's that reporter? I wanted to talk to him about dad.

I don't know what he's doing now but in a few hours he will be digesting.

Mom!?!? Again? That's 2 reporters this week!

What the hell do you expect? I'm a great white shark. I'd eat you if you weren't my son.