Monday, July 30, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday


What was/is your favorite childhood cartoon?

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

So Batty

I just saw The Dark Knight Rises twice and it was awesome. I first saw it at the drive-in but the picture quality wasn't that great so I decided to see it in a regular theater a few days later. Much better visually the second time around. I know a friend of a friend of a cousin of a guy that cuts Christopher Nolan's mother's hair and he scored me a copy of The Dark Knight Rises script. I read through it and noticed there were a few scenes that they didn't use. I figured since you are not going to see them in the movie, you might as well read them on my blog. Here is a short scene between Bruce Wayne and Alfred.

Bruce Wayne comes home to the mansion after a bite to eat. He walks into the main hall. Alfred is cleaning and wearing the bat suit.

Bruce Wayne: Alfred, what are you doing?

Alfred: Oh sir, you startled me. I thought you went out for Taco Bell?

Bruce Wayne: I came back for my wallet, I left it on my dresser. Why are you wearing the bat suit?

Alfred: Well, uh, it's hard to explain.

Bruce Wayne: Try me.

Alfred: Well, you see, I'm an old man with needs. You wouldn't think to look at me but I am a bit kinky. I tried on the bat suit for fun one day while you were out. I can't tell you how good it feels against my bare skin. You can't tell but my willy is fully erect right now.

Bruce Wayne: What the fuck Alfred!! I go out for some food and I come back to find you getting off in my batman suit. How can I fight crime in that now?

Alfred: I always make sure I thoroughly clean it each time.

Bruce Wayne: Each time? How long as this been going on?

Alfred: Don't know exactly. I would guess 4 months, at least.

Bruce Wayne: 4 months?!?!? Holy shit. I am going to have to burn that one and make another.  Please don't tell me you released your little Alfreds inside the suit.

Alfred: I would be lying if I said that didn't happen a few times.

Bruce Wayne: That is disgusting. Why did I have to forget my wallet?!?

Alfred: If you are going to get rid of the suit anyway, can I keep it? I promise not to put it on in front of you.

Bruce Wayne: Ok, I am going to get my wallet and leave now. We will pretend that this never happened. I don't want to know any more secrets.

Alfred: Can you get me a Doritos Locos Taco?

Bruce Wayne: Fine. Bye.

I personally think they should of left that scene in there. Would of added some humor.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

Would you rather listen to Justin Bieber's song Baby for 12 hours straight


Would you rather eat five live cockroaches?

Friday, July 20, 2012

Presidential Campaign Slogans...... Not Quite

Many presidential candidates have had popular and inspiring campaign slogans. Most candidates go through many ideas before they commit to one. Here are some that never made it off the drawing board.

George W. Bush - "Hooked on Phonics worked for me"

Bill Clinton - "I support fat chicks"

George H. Bush - "My wife does not look like George Washington"

Richard M. Nixon - "You can call me Dick"

Abraham Lincoln - "Not only will I free the slaves but I will get rid of all these freaking' zombies too"

George Washington - "Wooden teeth for everybody!!"

Ulysses S. Grant - "Stop naming your sons Ulysses"

Herbert Hoover - "Time travel is our future"

Thomas Jefferson - "If you liked the last guy, you will love me"

Grover Cleveland - "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands"

Theodore Roosevelt - "Prostitution will be legalized"

Barack Obama - "I'm not George W. Bush"

Woodrow Wilson - "Where's Waldo?"

Millard Fillmore - "We need to trust children more"

John F. Kennedy - "To answer your question, yes, I had sexual relations with Marilyn Monroe"

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Reviews You Can't Use: Red Lobster

I went to Red Lobster this past Sunday with Nicole for my 28th birthday. I haven't been to Red Lobster in 7 years since my 21st birthday. I was banned for getting in an altercation with the chef. He refused to let me cook my own lobster so I stabbed him with a fork. After the 7 year ban, I was allowed back. I had to bring my lawyer and sign some papers stating that if I attempt to cook my own lobster I will see jail time. After I made a formal apology to the chef, we were seated at our table. I told my lawyer his services were no long needed and to vamoos.

If you have read other restaurant reviews of mine you know that I don't give a normal review. Here is a transcript of how the evening went with commentary and our thoughts. Conversation is in bold, thoughts are italicized.

Waitress: Let me show you to your seats. Looks like another shitty tip coming my way.

PTM: Thank you. Stop thinking about stabbing the chef.

Nicole: Thank you. Next time I pick the restaurant.

Waitress: Can I start you off with something to drink? When I come back you better be ready to order!!

Nicole: I'll just have some water. Ha, my boobs are so much bigger than hers. I love having big tits. Look at these things, if I was a dude, I would motor boat the shit out of them.

PTM: Ill have a Mango Mai Tai. I hope it's mango-y.

Waitress: I'll be right back with those. What a homo ordering a Mango Mai Tai.

PTM: She probably thinks I'm gay since I ordered that girly drink. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay.

Nicole: It is a girly drink to order. Why must he embarrass me in public all the time!!

Waitress: Here are your drinks. Are you ready to order? If I have to come back I am spitting in your entree.

PTM: For an appetizer we will have the Coconut Shrimp. I'm so glad Nicole doesn't eat shrimp, I get to eat this all by myself, muah ha ha.

Nicole: I will have the Center Cut Sirloin with a side of Snow Crab Legs. What a douche, I can't believe he ordered an appetizer he knew I wouldn't eat. There goes his birthday blow job.

PTM: I will have the Peach Bourbon BBQ Shrimp and Bacon wrapped Scallop Kabobs. I hope the scallops aren't too scallopy. 

Waitress: Great, I will put that in for you. Shrimp with a side of shrimp, great choice dumb ass.

Nicole: I'm excited to see Ted after this. I'm so jonesing for a nap right now.

PTM: I'm excited too, should be pretty funny. I'm gonna get a blow job later, do da do do do.

Waitress: Here is your Coconut Shrimp, your entrees will be out shortly. I hope he doesn't notice I snagged one of his shrimp. Naaah, I rearranged them. He won't even know.

PTM: Mmmm, I love Coconut Shrimp. That bitch seems a little stressed. She needs to finger one out in the bathroom or something.

Nicole: I guess I will try one. I don't really want one, I just want him to have one less. JERK!!

Waitress: Here are your entrees. Careful, the plates are really hot. I bet you after I walk away they touch the plates anyway. I hope it burns them bad.

PTM: Ouch, the plates are hot. I should blog about Red Lobster, maybe I will write a review.

Nicole: She did warn you. You never learn. I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deely deely do.

Waitress: Is everything okay? Do you need anything? What does she see in this guy? He's balding and I'm pretty sure he's gay.

PTM: Can I have some more water, please? If I were a lobster and a genie could grant me a wish, it would be to have the claw strength to break rubber bands.

Nicole: I'm okay, Thanks. That bitch best not be eyeing my man. I will go Tanya Harding on her ass.

Waitress: Care for any dessert? Quick decide, I have to fart so bad right now.

PTM: We need a minute please. She really needs some dick in her.

Nicole: The cookie lava thing looks tasty. I wish his semen tasted like cookies.

Waitress: Have you decided? If I have to come back again, I will seriously take a shit on her lap.

PTM: We will have the cookie lava thing. Instant Diabetes!!

Waitress: Here is your bill too, whenever you are ready to pay. Ten bucks she pays.

Nicole: How much for tip? Why do I have the song from Ghostbusters in my head right now?

PTM: Like fourteen bucks. Happy birthday to me.

Waitress: Thank you, have a good night. Wow, I just realized I am not wearing any underwear.

Nicole: Bye, you too. Next time, we are going to Sizzler.

PTM: Bye, thank you. Oh gotta poop, gotta poop.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Simple & Fun Question Monday

I haven't had a themed post in awhile so I will start one on Mondays and it will be called Simple & Fun Question Monday. I will ask you a simple and fun question and you will answer it as serious or creative as you want.

Today's question: If you could create your own animal using parts from 4 existing animals, what animals would you use and what would you name your new animal?

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Reviews You Can't Use: Apollo 18

 I would now like to present to you a long awaited (I think) review you can't use. I, unfortunately, decided to watch Apollo 18 the other day. If you haven't seen it, heard about it or think I'm confusing it with the Tom Hanks' Apollo 13, here is the IMDb synopsis: "Decades-old found footage from NASA's abandoned Apollo 18 mission, where two American astronauts were sent on a secret expedition, reveals the reason the U.S. has never returned to the moon."

It looked like it could be a decent movie when it came out. It had that Paranormal Activity look to it and it seemed different. I knew what I was going in to before I sat down to watch it. I read the rating on IMDb and some of the reviews but still decided to give it a chance. It is filmed like a documentary like how Paranormal Activity was with different camera angles and the feeling that you are there with them. I finished the movie last week and I am still waiting for something to develop. 

Ahead is a spoiler alert. If you still want to see the movie don't read ahead even though the movie was terrible and nothing could really spoil it. Also the best part of my post is in the following so I encourage you to read on. 

So I expected there to be some cool aliens on the moon but instead there were little spider looking things that took the shape of moon rocks. I have to admit I don't believe this movie to be true at all. I have had a moon rock in my room for three years and I have never seen it move or do anything but sit there. There is no way....wait, I think it moved. Oh my god you have to see this. It's coming towards me, what do I do? Ahhhh, get off me!! Help! Help! Hel.....

Powdered Toast Man is temporarily incapacitated. Don't worry he is not dead. This is the moon rock taking over now. You probably have a few questions like why or how did PTM continue to type as I was attacking him, or how I know how to use a computer, or how I know the English language? None of that is important at the moment. The important thing is that Apollo 18 was based on true events. Us moon rock aliens were just waiting for the right time to strike. We needed enough of us on Earth. Now that there is enough we can plan our takeover of this planet. 

We have a few things to do before the complete takeover of Earth. 1) Turn all the Kardashians into pet goats, 2) Try Taco Bell for the first time, 3) Drink a coke and eat pop rocks at the same time, 4) Go to Disney World, 5) Watch Two Girls One Cup. Death to the Humans!!!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Simple Victories in Life

I love moments in life that feel like a small victory or make you feel really good for just a short bit of time. Something simple and maybe even silly that makes your day. These things make life just a little sweeter.

- Toasting your bread or bagel just the right amount

- Tying your tie the right length the first time

- A very satisfying sandwich for lunch

- Having exact change

- Getting a freebie from the vending machine

- Finding money in your pocket that you didn't know was there

- Having the hot girl in a tank top bend over near you

- Knowing the answer to the Jeopardy question when your partner didn't

- You didn't do your homework and the teacher forgets to collect it

- The feeling you get from trusting your instinct after you finish your meal out to dinner

- Finding something that you thought was lost

- Winning a prize playing a carnival/fair game  (I recently won, for the first time, that water gun game where you have to shoot inside the clown's mouth and be the first to ring your bell)

- Finishing your homework days early

- Paying less for something that you thought you knew the exact amount

- Remembering something that you were trying to figure out all day

- Realizing you are not Snooki or George Bush

Friday, July 6, 2012

Posing the Question

I am sure this question has been asked a lot but I still want to know.

Why do you blog? Are you an amateur writer trying to gauge your material? Did you create a blog because everyone else was doing it? Were you just bored one day? Do you still have no idea what you are doing?

I blog because it is a way for me to express myself in a way that I can't do in the real world. My blog humor is different than my real life humor. What I write in my posts only works in my posts. I like knowing that people that I don't know find me funny.

So what is your reason?

Monday, July 2, 2012

Fan Mail

Occasionally I will receive some fan mail. The mail comes in the form of an email, letter, telegram, Morse code transmission and/or sky writing. People have questions, concerns, comments, recipes and pictures of their hot daughters and/or sons. Here is some of that mail with my responses.

PTM, does your head and face get badly sunburned or burnt to a crisp when you go to the beach? Email from Peter Gardo, Texas

I try to avoid the beach as much as possible nowadays. Anytime I go to the beach I get attacked by seagulls and it doesn't help that I have to use butter instead of sun tan lotion on my head. Hope that answers your question Pete.

Hi, PTM, my name is Roy G. Biv. I love your blog. I have a big problem. People won't stop asking me about rainbows and I can't take it anymore. Should I change my name? If yes, what do you think is a good name? Letter from Roy G. Biv, New York

Tough break Roy. I guess you have no other option but to change your name. I have always liked the name Grover. I would of loved to meet the president Grover Cleveland. I got a great name for you, Grover Indiana. Hope you like it. Before you change your name though, I have a question. What color is indigo?

Hey PTM, I've been reading your blog for awhile and I am a huge fan. I just recently watched Back to the Future for the first time. Do you know how to build or find a flux capacitor? I just put a bid on a Delorean I found on ebay. It's going to cost me $32,000 but I am really excited to start time travelling. So again if you know anything about flux capacitors, that would really help me out. Email from John Asterin, Ohio

No, John, unfortunately I don't know anything about flux capacitors. I bet if you call up Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox, they would be glad to help you build or find one. I think you can find them on Twitter. Good luck.

Dear Mr. Powdered Toast Man. My name is Lucy and I am 16. I love eating Taco Bell. It is one of my favorite places to eat. I always go there on my school lunch. The problem is I always get really bad diarrhea from eating Taco Bell. I'm talking burn your ass hairs off diarrhea. What can I do? Letter from Lucy Johnstone, California

Lucy, I would recommend eating KFC, Popeyes and Arby's in between your Taco Bell meals to help with that diarrhea. If that doesn't work eat a lot of greasy Chinese food. Stay healthy Lucy.

PTM, I have had this rash on my inner thigh for a month and I am scared to go to the doctor. Enclosed in this letter is a photo of my thigh. Do you know what it is? Letter from Sam Blimpkin, New Mexico

I'm sorry Sam, as soon as I saw the photo I threw up all over it and then I had to burn the photo so I wouldn't look at it again out of curiosity. But from what I saw you probably need to be quarantined and have your leg amputated because that shit wasn't normal. Be safe. 

If you have any questions, comments or concerns please don't hesitate to write.