Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Reviews You Can't Use: Red Lobster

I went to Red Lobster this past Sunday with Nicole for my 28th birthday. I haven't been to Red Lobster in 7 years since my 21st birthday. I was banned for getting in an altercation with the chef. He refused to let me cook my own lobster so I stabbed him with a fork. After the 7 year ban, I was allowed back. I had to bring my lawyer and sign some papers stating that if I attempt to cook my own lobster I will see jail time. After I made a formal apology to the chef, we were seated at our table. I told my lawyer his services were no long needed and to vamoos.

If you have read other restaurant reviews of mine you know that I don't give a normal review. Here is a transcript of how the evening went with commentary and our thoughts. Conversation is in bold, thoughts are italicized.

Waitress: Let me show you to your seats. Looks like another shitty tip coming my way.

PTM: Thank you. Stop thinking about stabbing the chef.

Nicole: Thank you. Next time I pick the restaurant.

Waitress: Can I start you off with something to drink? When I come back you better be ready to order!!

Nicole: I'll just have some water. Ha, my boobs are so much bigger than hers. I love having big tits. Look at these things, if I was a dude, I would motor boat the shit out of them.

PTM: Ill have a Mango Mai Tai. I hope it's mango-y.

Waitress: I'll be right back with those. What a homo ordering a Mango Mai Tai.

PTM: She probably thinks I'm gay since I ordered that girly drink. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay.

Nicole: It is a girly drink to order. Why must he embarrass me in public all the time!!

Waitress: Here are your drinks. Are you ready to order? If I have to come back I am spitting in your entree.

PTM: For an appetizer we will have the Coconut Shrimp. I'm so glad Nicole doesn't eat shrimp, I get to eat this all by myself, muah ha ha.

Nicole: I will have the Center Cut Sirloin with a side of Snow Crab Legs. What a douche, I can't believe he ordered an appetizer he knew I wouldn't eat. There goes his birthday blow job.

PTM: I will have the Peach Bourbon BBQ Shrimp and Bacon wrapped Scallop Kabobs. I hope the scallops aren't too scallopy. 

Waitress: Great, I will put that in for you. Shrimp with a side of shrimp, great choice dumb ass.

Nicole: I'm excited to see Ted after this. I'm so jonesing for a nap right now.

PTM: I'm excited too, should be pretty funny. I'm gonna get a blow job later, do da do do do.

Waitress: Here is your Coconut Shrimp, your entrees will be out shortly. I hope he doesn't notice I snagged one of his shrimp. Naaah, I rearranged them. He won't even know.

PTM: Mmmm, I love Coconut Shrimp. That bitch seems a little stressed. She needs to finger one out in the bathroom or something.

Nicole: I guess I will try one. I don't really want one, I just want him to have one less. JERK!!

Waitress: Here are your entrees. Careful, the plates are really hot. I bet you after I walk away they touch the plates anyway. I hope it burns them bad.

PTM: Ouch, the plates are hot. I should blog about Red Lobster, maybe I will write a review.

Nicole: She did warn you. You never learn. I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deely deely do.

Waitress: Is everything okay? Do you need anything? What does she see in this guy? He's balding and I'm pretty sure he's gay.

PTM: Can I have some more water, please? If I were a lobster and a genie could grant me a wish, it would be to have the claw strength to break rubber bands.

Nicole: I'm okay, Thanks. That bitch best not be eyeing my man. I will go Tanya Harding on her ass.

Waitress: Care for any dessert? Quick decide, I have to fart so bad right now.

PTM: We need a minute please. She really needs some dick in her.

Nicole: The cookie lava thing looks tasty. I wish his semen tasted like cookies.

Waitress: Have you decided? If I have to come back again, I will seriously take a shit on her lap.

PTM: We will have the cookie lava thing. Instant Diabetes!!

Waitress: Here is your bill too, whenever you are ready to pay. Ten bucks she pays.

Nicole: How much for tip? Why do I have the song from Ghostbusters in my head right now?

PTM: Like fourteen bucks. Happy birthday to me.

Waitress: Thank you, have a good night. Wow, I just realized I am not wearing any underwear.

Nicole: Bye, you too. Next time, we are going to Sizzler.

PTM: Bye, thank you. Oh gotta poop, gotta poop.


Mark said...

I would be pretty sure you're gay but you seemed obsessed with shagging the waitress.

Crack You Whip said...

I do believe that lobsters wish for rubber band breaking strength. Don't we all?

Tony Van Helsing said...

Everytime I go to a restaurant now I'm going to be thinking to be thinking the waitress hates me. And if you ate enough cookies your semen might taste of them

Al Penwasser said...

Good afternoon. Welcome to this edition of Stupid Joke Theater.
"Do you have crab legs?"
"Why, yes, I do."
"Then you must have to wear long pants all the time."

The End

Al Penwasser said...

Oh, and incidentally.....
If she's not wearing any underwear, I am so dropping my fork.

nutschell said...

this whole post cracked me up--like a lobster!

Birgit said...

Were you really thinking food?? It seems you are thinking amazing ta-ta's and blowjob. You also ordered the shrimp-is that a metaphor for something.... said...

Hold on, you didn't tell us what happened afterwards. Did you watch Ted?


Pearl said...

Looks like I'm not the only one with an inner monkey.



Arlee Bird said...

We go to Red Lobster several times a year. My wife's family loves Red Lobster. They also love the food bar at Sizzler. I'm okay with any of them--I just want something to eat.

Tossing It Out

Chuck said...

So now I see what eating tainted seafood does to ones brain...sort of like peyote but with a fish-y-er taste! 10 bucks says no BJ...

Pat Tillett said...

I don't give a crap about most of the food at RL, I LOVE their cheddar bay biscuits and strawberry daiquiris. There used to be a RL close to our house. It was crowded all the time and one day it up and closed on us. I'm still upset by it...