Reviews You Can't Use: Red Lobster

I went to Red Lobster this past Sunday with Nicole for my 28th birthday. I haven't been to Red Lobster in 7 years since my 21st birthday. I was banned for getting in an altercation with the chef. He refused to let me cook my own lobster so I stabbed him with a fork. After the 7 year ban, I was allowed back. I had to bring my lawyer and sign some papers stating that if I attempt to cook my own lobster I will see jail time. After I made a formal apology to the chef, we were seated at our table. I told my lawyer his services were no long needed and to vamoos.

If you have read other restaurant reviews of mine you know that I don't give a normal review. Here is a transcript of how the evening went with commentary and our thoughts. Conversation is in bold, thoughts are italicized.

Waitress: Let me show you to your seats. Looks like another shitty tip coming my way.


PTM: Thank you. Stop thinking about stabbing the chef.

Nicole: Thank you. Next time I pick the restaurant.

Waitress: Can I start you off with something to drink? When I come back you better be ready to order!!

Nicole: I'll just have some water. Ha, my boobs are so much bigger than hers. I love having big tits. Look at these things, if I was a dude, I would motor boat the shit out of them.

PTM: Ill have a Mango Mai Tai. I hope it's mango-y.

Waitress: I'll be right back with those. What a homo ordering a Mango Mai Tai.

PTM: She probably thinks I'm gay since I ordered that girly drink. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay. I'm not gay.

Nicole: It is a girly drink to order. Why must he embarrass me in public all the time!!

Waitress: Here are your drinks. Are you ready to order? If I have to come back I am spitting in your entree.

PTM: For an appetizer we will have the Coconut Shrimp. I'm so glad Nicole doesn't eat shrimp, I get to eat this all by myself, muah ha ha.

Nicole: I will have the Center Cut Sirloin with a side of Snow Crab Legs. What a douche, I can't believe he ordered an appetizer he knew I wouldn't eat. There goes his birthday blow job.

PTM: I will have the Peach Bourbon BBQ Shrimp and Bacon wrapped Scallop Kabobs. I hope the scallops aren't too scallopy. 

Waitress: Great, I will put that in for you. Shrimp with a side of shrimp, great choice dumb ass.

Nicole: I'm excited to see Ted after this. I'm so jonesing for a nap right now.

PTM: I'm excited too, should be pretty funny. I'm gonna get a blow job later, do da do do do.

Waitress: Here is your Coconut Shrimp, your entrees will be out shortly. I hope he doesn't notice I snagged one of his shrimp. Naaah, I rearranged them. He won't even know.

PTM: Mmmm, I love Coconut Shrimp. That bitch seems a little stressed. She needs to finger one out in the bathroom or something.

Nicole: I guess I will try one. I don't really want one, I just want him to have one less. JERK!!

Waitress: Here are your entrees. Careful, the plates are really hot. I bet you after I walk away they touch the plates anyway. I hope it burns them bad.

PTM: Ouch, the plates are hot. I should blog about Red Lobster, maybe I will write a review.

Nicole: She did warn you. You never learn. I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, deely deely do.

Waitress: Is everything okay? Do you need anything? What does she see in this guy? He's balding and I'm pretty sure he's gay.

PTM: Can I have some more water, please? If I were a lobster and a genie could grant me a wish, it would be to have the claw strength to break rubber bands.

Nicole: I'm okay, Thanks. That bitch best not be eyeing my man. I will go Tanya Harding on her ass.

Waitress: Care for any dessert? Quick decide, I have to fart so bad right now.

PTM: We need a minute please. She really needs some dick in her.

Nicole: The cookie lava thing looks tasty. I wish his semen tasted like cookies.

Waitress: Have you decided? If I have to come back again, I will seriously take a shit on her lap.

PTM: We will have the cookie lava thing. Instant Diabetes!!

Waitress: Here is your bill too, whenever you are ready to pay. Ten bucks she pays.

Nicole: How much for tip? Why do I have the song from Ghostbusters in my head right now?

PTM: Like fourteen bucks. Happy birthday to me.

Waitress: Thank you, have a good night. Wow, I just realized I am not wearing any underwear.

Nicole: Bye, you too. Next time, we are going to Sizzler.

PTM: Bye, thank you. Oh gotta poop, gotta poop.