Monday, July 2, 2012

Fan Mail


Occasionally I will receive some fan mail. The mail comes in the form of an email, letter, telegram, Morse code transmission and/or sky writing. People have questions, concerns, comments, recipes and pictures of their hot daughters and/or sons. Here is some of that mail with my responses.

PTM, does your head and face get badly sunburned or burnt to a crisp when you go to the beach? Email from Peter Gardo, Texas

I try to avoid the beach as much as possible nowadays. Anytime I go to the beach I get attacked by seagulls and it doesn't help that I have to use butter instead of sun tan lotion on my head. Hope that answers your question Pete.

Hi, PTM, my name is Roy G. Biv. I love your blog. I have a big problem. People won't stop asking me about rainbows and I can't take it anymore. Should I change my name? If yes, what do you think is a good name? Letter from Roy G. Biv, New York

Tough break Roy. I guess you have no other option but to change your name. I have always liked the name Grover. I would of loved to meet the president Grover Cleveland. I got a great name for you, Grover Indiana. Hope you like it. Before you change your name though, I have a question. What color is indigo?


Hey PTM, I've been reading your blog for awhile and I am a huge fan. I just recently watched Back to the Future for the first time. Do you know how to build or find a flux capacitor? I just put a bid on a Delorean I found on ebay. It's going to cost me $32,000 but I am really excited to start time travelling. So again if you know anything about flux capacitors, that would really help me out. Email from John Asterin, Ohio

No, John, unfortunately I don't know anything about flux capacitors. I bet if you call up Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox, they would be glad to help you build or find one. I think you can find them on Twitter. Good luck.


Dear Mr. Powdered Toast Man. My name is Lucy and I am 16. I love eating Taco Bell. It is one of my favorite places to eat. I always go there on my school lunch. The problem is I always get really bad diarrhea from eating Taco Bell. I'm talking burn your ass hairs off diarrhea. What can I do? Letter from Lucy Johnstone, California

Lucy, I would recommend eating KFC, Popeyes and Arby's in between your Taco Bell meals to help with that diarrhea. If that doesn't work eat a lot of greasy Chinese food. Stay healthy Lucy.


PTM, I have had this rash on my inner thigh for a month and I am scared to go to the doctor. Enclosed in this letter is a photo of my thigh. Do you know what it is? Letter from Sam Blimpkin, New Mexico

I'm sorry Sam, as soon as I saw the photo I threw up all over it and then I had to burn the photo so I wouldn't look at it again out of curiosity. But from what I saw you probably need to be quarantined and have your leg amputated because that shit wasn't normal. Be safe. 




If you have any questions, comments or concerns please don't hesitate to write.








20 comments:

Baby Sister said...

Poor Roy G Biv, that would be a hard life.

Ms. A said...

Ha! Hope you were able to help someone!

Mark said...

It took me a minute to get the Roy G. Biv one but I got it and it made me happy.

Jeffrey Beesler said...

How will I know if I have questions, comments, or concerns to write you about?

city said...

nice posting.. thanks for sharing.

city said...

nice posting.. thanks for sharing.

DEZMOND said...

not sure if it is safe for 16 year olds to be reading your blog :PPP especially with you giving them such invaluable pieces of advice....

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

That last one is awesome!

Gorilla Bananas said...

Man, you could be an agony uncle with all the requests for advice you're getting! You should have advised the last guy to try rubbing his jizz on the rash. Amputation should be a last resort in these cases.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

Do you think a greasy pizza will work as well as greasy Chinese food?

Birgit said...

Still not getting the RoyG.biv but then again, I am blond. Oh-you could have saved that photo, just bring your dog over-they love eating up barf. You could then really help that man...if he is still alive

Sangu Mandanna said...

I so loved this!

Tree said...

Glad to hear I'm not the only one that receives sky-writing messages. :) lmao at the last reply.. love the advice.

Bart said...

i think her name is boobarella or barbarello, or something like that, has juggs. I dont know, i'm the juggarnaut, beeetch.

Al Penwasser said...

Oh, I thought Sam was asking if you knew what a thigh was. When I read it again, I realized he meant 'rash.' That made more sense. And it made me throw up.

Farmers Wifey said...

Dear You, why do you not have a blog button so I can add it to MY blog and keep track of you!!!

Sincerely Farmers Wifey

Australia.

Spacerguy said...

I think you should get a customized helmet for going out PTM. Those birds will be back.

Betty Manousos said...

lol at the last reply.

Chuck said...

Those were some funny shits. At least you get fan mail...and photos of hot women.

Pat Tillett said...

that was kind of scary. I have an itchy spot on my thigh also...