Friday, July 29, 2011

Where's the Bacon?

Have you noticed that everything has bacon in it now? Here is a list of foods that you might see bacon in soon. Keep a look out next time you are at the grocery store.

Cereal – Instead of Cap’n Crunch Berries there will be tiny bacon balls.

Yogurt – Dannon will be unveiling a new line called ‘bacon on the bottom’.

Toothpaste – Nothing like the fresh breath of bacon without having to eat it.

Butter – Why not a spreadable bacon?

Bagels – Bacon, egg and cheese will be easier to make without the hassle of cooking the bacon.

Soda – I heard a rumor that Pepsi is tinkering with the idea.

Chicken – Scientists are crossbreeding pigs and chickens to create chigs (or pickens, they haven’t decided on the name yet) KFC’s stock will jump tremendously.

Ketchup – I’m going to patent this one. Sound delicious.

Maple Syrup – If we can flavor it with fruit why not bacon? Coming soon to your local IHOP.

Peanut Butter – Why hasn’t anyone thought of it before? I want some now!!

Coffee – I add salt instead of sugar anyway.

Cookies – Chocolate chip and bacon Chips Ahoy coming soon.

Cough Drops – Ever just suck on a piece of bacon for an hour? Mmmm

Pickled Bacon – If they can pickle pig’s feet, why not bacon?

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Battle of Sesame Street: Final Round

Ernie was Cookie Monster's bitch in that last round. He smacked Ernie around like he was a red-headed stepchild. I thought it would be a closer match but Ernie didn't bring anything to the ring. Now that the semi0finals are out of the way, it is time for the big kahuna. The final round of the Sesame Street battle in on. I'm predicting this one is going to be a slobber knocker. So sit back, relax and grab a brew.

The Count
Cookie Monster

Favorite Movie: You probably think it's Dracula but it's actually Bambi
Favorite Actor/Actress: Gary Busey
Favorite Food: Pussy
Biggest Fear: Impotence
Favorite Quote: I did not have sexual relations with that woman
Celebrity Crush: Michelle Obama
Mcdonald's, Wendy's or Burger King: Taco Bell

Some  Tough Questions:
What did you want to be when you were a kid? Phlebotomist
One thing you would change about yourself? Smaller testicles
Would you have sex with Hilary Clinton for $100,000? I'd rather sleep with Bill
How do you feel about turkey bacon? Why isn't there chicken bacon?
What would be your death bed confession? My fangs aren't real

Favorite Movie: Cool Runnings
Favorite Actor/Actress: Cher
Favorite Food: Chocolate Pizza
Biggest Fear: Being allergic to cookie dough
Favorite Quote: It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again
Celebrity Crush: Willy Wonka
Mcdonald's, Wendy's or Burger King: I'm unsure of the question so I will say the Burger King beats up Wendy and Ronald Mcdonald

Some  Tough Questions:
What did you want to be when you were a kid? Lion Tamer
One thing you would change about yourself? Less fur in my ass
Would you have sex with Hilary Clinton for $100,000? I'd do it for $500
How do you feel about turkey bacon? Goes great with pudding
What would be your death bed confession? I did some gay porn when I was addicted to coke

Now comes the tough decision on who to vote for. I would tell you who I would vote for but it is against the by-laws and would result in castration. Polls will close on Friday at 11:59 PM, get in your vote by then. Next week I will announce the winner.

Friday, July 22, 2011

Wedding Scavenger Hunt

I’m sure you are all aware of the normal scavenger hunt when you have to find things. Do you know about the scavenger hunt that requires you to do things instead of finding them? Here is a scavenger hunt you can play at the next wedding reception you are attending. Each action/thing to do has a different set of points.

Wedding Scavenger Hunt

Points              Action/Thing To Do

50        =          Motorboat the bride
48        =          Moon the groom’s mother
43        =          Give a toast with the phrase “Dirty Sanchez” in it
41        =          Cup and hold the groom’s balls for 10 seconds
38        =          Eat your dinner with only using your mouth, no hands
35        =          Slowly lick your lips while looking at the bride’s grandmother
32        =          Start playing hacky sack with a dinner roll on the dance floor
29        =          Find a large woman and ask her if you can feel the baby kick
27        =          Kiss one of the bridesmaids on the lips
25        =          Randomly talk to a stranger about your rash ‘down there’
22        =          Smell some guy’s hair and ask him what shampoo he uses
20        =          Tag the DJ and say ‘you’re it’ and run away giggling
17        =          Sit in the middle of the dance floor and throw a temper tantrum
15        =          Tell one of the female servers that you loved her in Titanic
12        =          Ask the person next to you to pull your finger
10        =          Bring back a roll of toilet paper and set it at your table
8          =          Take all the spoons from your table and put them in your pocket or purse
5          =          Ask the bartender to make you a ‘Dick Cheney’
3          =          Clap really obnoxiously after a slow song
1          =          Pick your nose and wipe it on the table

Try these at the next wedding you are at, even if it's your own.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

'Are you smarter than The Situation?'

Welcome to ‘Are you smarter than The Situation?’ The game show that determines if you are smarter than The Situation from the Jersey Shore. Our contestant today is Sandy the Squirrel from the cartoon Spongebob Squarepants.

PTM: The game is simple; I will ask both of you the same questions and you will write down your answers. You will read off your answers when you are prompted to. The questions range from all different categories. Correct answers will get you 10 pts and incorrect answers will result in a loss of 5 points. Let’s get started.

PTM: The first question is: How many stars are on the American Flag?
The Situation: That's an easy one. There is one star for each state we have so there are 53 stars.
Sandy: There’s only one star I care about and that’s the one on the Texas flag. I mean, Texas is its own country after all.

PTM: Who discovered electricity?
The Situation: I know it's Ben something ...... I got it, Ben Stein.
Sandy: Well me of course. Everyone says it’s that Ben Franklin fella…but he totally stole the idea from me.

PTM: What was Sylvester Stallone’s character name in Rocky?
 The Situation: This is a trick question. Sly wasn't in the Rocky & Bullwinkle movie.
Sandy: Aw shucks. It’s Rocky a-course.

PTM: What is a baby kangaroo called?
The Situation: Doesn't that depend on what the mother kangaroo names it?
Sandy: A joey, duh. Y’all shoulda known that one. Did you know the female kangaroo is called a flyer? And a papa is called a boomer? Ain’t I so smart?

PTM: What do the letters stand for in Alf’s name?
The Situation: Umm, errr.... Abs, Lollipops and Fur?
Sandy: Alien Life Form, but everyone knows there ain’t no such thing as aliens. I think it really stands for Aluminum Flouride which has the same initials. 

PTM: Triskaidekaphobia is the fear of what?
The Situation: Fear of triscuits.
Sandy: A fear of ducks. *shudder* I suffer from that.

PTM: What kind of animal is Ronald Mcdonald’s friend Grimace?
The Situation: He looks like what I shit out after a night of drinking and tacos
Sandy: That ain’t no animal I never seen. That there be a big purple grape.

PTM: What is Superman’s weakness?
The Situation: Boobs.
Sandy: Kryptonite of course. But I think his real weakness is me. Hai-yah!! 

PTM: What is the middle name of Stewie on Family Guy?
The Situation: Is he the dog? I'm going to guess Alabastor
Sandy: I don’t bother myself with such trivial things. I ain’t never seen the show. But I have it on good authority that it be Gilligan.

PTM: Who plays Kirk Cameron’s parents on Growing Pains? 10 pts for real names and 10 pts for character names.
The Situation: Katey Segal and Ed O'Neill played Al and Peg Bundy.
Sandy: Everyone knows it’s a pain to grow up. I ain’t never subjected myself to watching that. I already know what it’s like.

PTM: I was keeping score until I realized The Situation is a complete dumbass. Wait, what's that? I can't call the contestants names even if they are a moron? My producer says I need to apologize to The Situation. Sorry for calling you a dumbass.
The Situation: That's okay, I hear it from my mom and dad all the time.
PTM: I can't imagine why. The winner of today's show is Sandy the Squirrel. You win an all expenses paid trip to Saudi Arabia. Bring your sun screen. That's it for today. Tune in next time when Mr. T clashes wits with The Situation.

I want to thank Baby Sister over at La Esquina de la Estrellita for playing the part of Sandy the Squirrel. Go give her some blog love and tell her I sent you over.

Monday, July 18, 2011

Battle of Sesame Street: Semi Finals Round 2

The last battle was very evenly matched but The Count came out victorious once again. Oscar's plan of using his garbage can as armor backfired because The Count took it and beat him with it. Let's move onto the next round.

Cookie Monster

PTM: I am going to keep your minds sharp before the match. We are going to play a word association game. I say a word and you tell me the first word that pops into your head. Ernie, you will go first. Are you ready

Ernie: Yes, fire away.

PTM: The first word is yellow

Ernie: Rubber Duckie

PTM: Pink

Ernie: Taco

PTM: Aardvark

Ernie: Allergic

PTM: Bert

Ernie: Hunk

PTM: Hard

Ernie: Pickle

PTM: Interesting answers Ernie. You might want to see a therapist. Cookie Monster it’s your turn. You ready?

Cookie Monster: Let’s do it.

PTM: Your first word is dough.

Cookie Monster: Cookie

PTM: Cactus

Cookie Monster: Cookie

PTM: Tire

Cookie Monster: Cookie

PTM: Ok, I can see where this is going. You can’t answer every word with cookie. I know that you love cookies but that can’t be the only thing on your mind. Let’s try again. The word is sunburn.

Cookie Monster: Ice cream

PTM: Diamond

Cookie Monster: Chocolate

PTM: Cookie

Cookie Monster: Orgasm

PTM: I think you have an addiction Cookie Monster, you might want to get some treatment for that. Now that your minds are focused, let's battle!!

Cast your vote for Ernie or Cookie Monster and don't let the rubber duckie sway your vote in any way. Polls will close on Friday at 11:59 pm. The final battle will be on Monday so bring popcorn.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Truths Revealed: Winnie the Pooh

The truth behind Winnie the Pooh and the 100 Acre Wood.

Winnie the Pooh – He was made fun of a lot in high school because he has Pooh in his
name so he developed an eating disorder. He also is an only child and never learned to
share. He is in constant need of attention and flaunts his honey but never shares it.

The Rabbit – Was raised by physically and verbally abusive parents. He was kicked out
of high school for cursing out the principal. He has also been banned from several Anger
Management Groups. He always needs to be in control and has terrible OCD (Obsessive
Compulsive Disorder).

Piglet – His father always told him to be the best and wouldn’t accept anything less than
perfect. Piglet had a nervous breakdown at age 20 and was hospitalized for 3 months. He
currently takes pills for his anxiety but they don’t seem to help. He is a neat freak because
of his father.

Tigger – Has had ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) since birth. He had to
be held down by his siblings just to feed off his mother’s teats. One time, in the middle of
taking a poop he chased after a butterfly.

Eeyore – Is clinically depressed. His parents disowned him when he came out of the
closet. They blame his homosexuality on the fact that he has to get his tail nailed to his
ass every once in awhile. He currently takes anti-depressants but they don’t seem to help.

Owl – Has developed paranoia after serving in the military. He assumes everyone is out
to get him so he spies on his “friends”. He has a record of being a peeping tom.

Kanga – Developed severed Postpartum Depression after giving birth to Roo. This
explains her being an overbearing and overprotective mother. She has a drinking problem
that she hides very well. She demands to give Roo a bath every night and dress him in the

Roo – To cope with his overbearing mother he scores Xanax and Speed from guys on the
edge of the woods. It makes him very constipated.

Christopher Robin – Schizophrenic that imagines talking animals in the woods behind
the institution that he is committed at.

Monday, July 11, 2011

Battle of Sesame Street: Semi Finals Round One

The battle between Bert and Ernie lasted for hours. Neither one wanted to throw in the towel. Ernie’s rubber duckie tried to distract Bert but I put a stop to that. There will be no cheating in my ring. The ultimate victor was Ernie. He moves on to the next set of rounds. We have two rounds left before the final match. Battling today, we have….

The Count
Oscar the grouch

PTM: I want the combatants to express how they feel about each other before they duke it out. I want you both to say three things you like and three things you dislike about your opponent. Can be anything you want. Count, you go first.

The Count: I will say what I like about Oscar first. I like that he is a ladies man and can get all the tail he wants. I like that he has a don’t-give-a-shit kind of attitude. I like that he always has ketchup when I run out.

Oscar: Thanks Count. Before you tell me what you don’t like about me, I want to say what I like about you. I like that The Count can rock the cape; I know I couldn’t pull off wearing a cape. I like that he is close to his grandmother. I like that he can score Viagra like nobody’s business.

The Count: Thanks Oscar. Now, to tell you why you are a douche. You are a complete slob and you should clean around your garbage can once in awhile. You won’t stop hitting on my grandma; she is 87 for Pete’s sake!! You don’t support your 3 illegitimate kids. Stop knocking up hoes and they won’t come after you for child support.

Oscar: For the record, your grandma is hot for 87.  I hate that you are constantly telling people that you want to suck their blood. We get it, you’re a vampire. Now shut the fuck up about it. You need to brush your teeth man; you have blood stains all over them. Stop inviting me to play Mafia Wars and Farmville, it is getting annoying.

The Count: You know how hard it is to get rid of blood stains?

PTM: I love the brutal truth. Thanks for sharing fellas.

It’s that time again. Cast your vote for Oscar or The Count. If you don’t then Snuffleupagus will find you and sit on you.  Polls close on Friday at 11:59 PM. We will have the next battle on Monday.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Guess What?

I have a few announcements:

1) Whoever owns the red Honda Civic with license plate number POR2204, your lights are one

2) Sometime last week or week before I hit 200 followers. I would like to thank reputation@stake for getting me to that magical number. The fruit basket should be arriving any day now.

3) I have surpassed the 500 post mark. What the hell have I been writing about to reach 500 posts?

4) I guest posted on Dribble.... yesterday hosted by the gracious Mynx. It is about the day in the life of Peach and Mario. It is quite scandalous and involves betrayal. If you didn't read it, shame on you. Click HERE to be transported there.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Battle of Sesame Street: Round 4

Big Bird didn't have a chance in the last round versus Cookie Monster. By the end of the battle there were yellow feathers everywhere. I hope those things grow back. Congrats to Cookie Monster for moving on to the next set of rounds. This is the last of the first round matches. Let's see who is duking it out today.


While Bert and Ernie were getting ready for the battle I got a hold of their personal diaries. I am going to randomly share some entries with you for your entertainment. Shhh, don't tell them I shared their diaries.

Ernie's Diary

2/24/11 - I had a dream about Bert again. We were living in the country with 3 kids, 2 dogs and running our own pudding business. He looked so handsome. The kiss felt so real this time.

3/16/11 - It was so sad. I had a dream that Rubber Duckie drowned in the tub. We were at his funeral. All the Sesame Street characters were there except for Big Bird, they didn't get along for some reason. Alf, Optimus Prime and Rainbow Brite also came to pay their respects. 

4/12/11 - I enjoy watching Bert sleep. I hope he doesn't find out that I have been cupping his balls at night.

4/25/11 - Bert caught me today using his toothbrush. I use it sometimes just so I can taste his saliva. I played if off today like I picked up the wrong one.

6/02/11 - I should kill Big Bird. No one likes that douche anyway. Why doesn't he like Rubber Duckie? What an asshole. 

Bert's Diary

3/15/11 - Ernie is starting to act really creepy lately. He keeps leering at me with a weird look on his face. I'm thinking about moving out.

4/20/11 - I'm missing like three pairs of my underwear. I think Ernie might be taking them but I can't prove it.

5/17/11 - I had a really strange dream that Ernie was watching me in my sleep and cupping my balls. At least I think it was a dream.

6/09/11 - If I hear that rubber duckie song again I am going to stick a broom handle up Ernie's ass.

6/19/11 -  I will never masturbate with baby oil again. I'm really raw down there now. I need to buy some lotion.

After laughing and peeing your pants, don't forget to vote for either Bert or Ernie. Polls will close on Friday at 11:59 pm and the next set of rounds will begin next week.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Pros & Cons: Turkey Baster


  • Great for basting other foods like chicken, ham or french toast
  •  Can be used when you're air guitar breaks
  • Fun to use in the bath tub
  • Makes it easier to feed Grandma
  •  Comes with easy to read step-by-step directions
  • Shaq's personal eye dropper
  • Midget walking stick
  • Fill with favorite liquor and enjoy


  • Does not taste good filled with cannoli cream
  • Melts if left in the oven
  • Mashed potatoes get stuck in there
  • Hard to carry in your pocket
  • Does not replace dildo
  • Makes a poor baseball bat, ping pong paddle and pool stick
  • Do not give as anniversary present
  • Airport security asks too many questions