Tuesday, May 26, 2015

10 Things you didn't know about toothpaste

10) It was first invented as a jock itch cream

9) It tastes great on pizza crust

8) It glows in the dark if you brush more than 4 minutes

7) Before 1996, the secret ingredient was Koala Bear sweat

6) Former President George W. Bush uses it to style his hair

5) You can repel leopards and anacondas with it

4) 3% of the world has a fear of green toothpaste

3) It is a myth that is can get rid of acne

2) It can dissolve unwanted moles

1) For some reason Corey Feldman receives royalties from the sale of Crest, Colgate and Aquafresh

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Inside the actor's studio

Well it is that time again where I fill in for James Lipton on 'Inside the Actor's Studio.'He seems to be getting sick a lot. He should probably see a doctor about that chronic diarrhea and jock itch. Today I am interviewing someone that hasn't sat down for an interview in 20 years. For some reason he agreed to talk to me. I guess all you need to offer is some prostitutes and blueberry pie. Please welcome to the show Count Chocula.

Image result for count chocula

Powdered Toast Man: Thank you for being on the show today. Can I call you Count?

Count Chocula: It is great to be here. I actually like to be called CC.

PTM: So first question CC, why has it been so long since you did an interview?

CC: It was something Larry King said to me but I can't even remember what it is anymore. He just got under my skin.

PTM: I know, he can be a real dick sometimes. And what is he 130 year old now?

CC: I think he died like 50 years ago and is now some sort of Zombie that drinks prune juice instead of eating brains.

PTM: Next question, what cereal mascot do you not get along with?

CC: Cap'n Crunch. He thinks he is so cool because he's a captain and he has a hat. 

PTM: Interesting, I though it would have been the Trix Rabbit.

CC: No that guy is cool, just does too many drugs.

PTM: It figures. There was a rumor going around about 10 years ago that you were having an affair with Ms. Pacman. What can you tell us?

CC: It's true. Her and Pacman were having problems and were on a break for about a year so I swooped in and fooled around with Ms. Pacman for about 2 months. She is surprisingly flexible.

PTM: I have always had a thing for Ms. Pacman, you lucky bastard. 

CC: I still have a pair of her panties if you are interested.

PTM: Talk to me after the show. Next question. Do you know any other Counts?

CC: Funny you should ask. I was actually part of the Counts Club back in 1997. There was the Count of Monte Cristo, the Count from Sesame Street, Count Dracula and Count Dooku. We had to kick Dracula out of the club after a couple of months because he get demanding that we form a band. He was so annoying. Everyday he would bring it up so we voted and we kicked him out. He was never the same after that. Our club only lasted another 6 months after we kicked out Dracula. I can't really explain what happened just that it involved a dead penguin.

PTM: Wow, I want to know but I don't want to know. Let's change things up. Do you have any questions for me?

CC: What is your favorite cereal? And if you say Cap'n Crunch I will stab you.

PTM: I like to mix Trix and Fruity Pebbles to make my own cereal. 

CC: I knew you would pick something fruity. Can I lick your head?

PTM: Why is it every guest wants to lick me? I have been told by the legal department that I can't let people do that anymore. What I can tell you is that I will be at Poppi's Bar after the show 
(wink, wink)

CC: I read you loud and clear. 

PTM: Do you have nay kids?

CC: I got my high school girlfriend pregnant but we gave the baby up for adoption. I did some research and found that he was in the first two Home Alone movies. His name is now Macaulay Culkin. My fucking luck right?

PTM: That is crazy stuff. Well that is all the time we have today. Thank you for joining us today CC.

CC: No problem. I will see you at the bar. I will bring the panties.

PTM: Goodbye everyone. 

Monday, May 18, 2015

Thoughts of the grocery store cashier

Why do I always get the old lady with the check book?

K-Y Jelly and two bunches of bananas. What is this lady up to?

Please don't ask for paper

Who is this line would I have sex with?

Fuck you lady and your 87 coupons!!!

I hate my job, I hate my job, Doo da doo da doo doo do, I hate my job

I will pay you $20 to kill me with this watermelon

I don't even know this guy but I hate him soooo much

Let's see what today's tally is: 12 assholes, 3 pedophiles, 5 bitches, 9 morons, 2 visible boners, 10 women showing too much cleavage, 6 farts and one nose picker

Great idea bringing your 3 annoying kids grocery shopping

Who needs 11 jars of olives? 

This lady has 'punch me in the baby maker' written all over her face

Let's see 6 peaches with no produce label, thanks ya jerk