Thursday, March 31, 2011

Dirty Joke

You have probably all heard this one but I heard it last week at a comedy club and thought it was pretty good. On a side note Nicole and I saw an erotic comedy hypnotist. It was fucking hysterical. Definitely go check one out if you get a chance.

A masked man walks into a sperm bank holding a gun. He points it at the woman behind the counter and says, "open the safe!"

The woman nervously says, "sir this isn't that kind of bank, this is a sperm bank, we don't have any money."

The man says, "I don't care, do what I say or I'll shoot, now open the safe." The woman does what she is told.

"Now take out a jar and drink it."

Without thinking the woman grabs a jar full of sperm and gulps it down.

The masked man takes off his mask and it turns out to be the woman's husband.

 Her husband says, "Now was that so difficult?"

Monday, March 28, 2011

Monday Minute B*tch

I haven't done the Monday Minute in over a month. I miss it and I know you miss my answers. So here it goes...


1) Where do you get your pizza from?

Most people don't know it but the Keebler Elves make other things besides cookies. They can make a mean supreme pizza, lots of sauce, that's how I like it.

(2) How would you define your decorating style?

A cross between Hulk Hogan and Elton John with a hint of Carrot Top

(3) Where do you regularly buy your clothes?

 I wouldn't call it buying but I go to random laundromats and find what I need. Sometimes it costs me a few quarters.

(4) What was the last clothing item you purchased?

A sequent cape from Capes R' Us

(5) What do you prefer in your home: candles or flowers?

I was told to not answer this question. You will have to speak to my lawyer.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Wrap Review

Have you ever eaten something so delicious that you thought about it for the next few days? It recently happened to me. When something is really tasty I act like Adam Richman from Man vs. Food. I would love to have his job. Eating for a living has to be one of the coolest jobs to have. I get so hungry watching his show. I want to travel across the U.S. and eat everywhere he has eaten. I am getting a little off track here.

At Nicole's house there are usually flour tortilla wraps and I love a good wrap. Usually my expectations are high for the wraps that I make but they are never as good as I hoped they would be....until now. I will just list the ingredients and you can decide for yourself.

- Jalapeno cheddar flavored tortilla wrap
- baked chicken but into pieces
- Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce (This stuff is phenomenal and I put it on everything)
- Extra sharp cheddar cheese
- Monterey jack cheese with jalapenos
- Red peppers
- Green peppers
- Jalapeno slices

I suck at actually wrapping up the wraps, I can never get the ends to close right. I have Nicole wrap it for me because she knows the proper technique (she must have taken a wrap wrapping class or something). What's cool is that the jalapeno cheddar wrap was a little thicker than the normal ones so it didn't crack and held the same shape. It was lightly toasted in a toaster oven until it was sealed. I forget how long it was in there for but it achieved the perfect crispiness and everything was sealed in there, nothing was spilling out the sides.

Oh the first bite was so delectable. A perfect mix of cheese, spice and sweet (I am salivating on the keyboard as I type this). After eating half of it I thought about framing it in a display case for all to see and bask in its glory but that would be wasting a perfectly good wrap. I hate wasted food. How it tasted was almost orgasmic (I had to check my pants to make sure, they were a little moist). If only I could have cloned it before I ate it so that I could enjoy it again. It was by far the best wrap I had ever made. I am in the process of building a time machine so I can go back and enjoy it over and over again. I can't seem to find a flux capacitor though, anyone have one lying around?
 
As an added bonus I got to eat the other half of Nicole's wrap. Not as good as mind but still pretty tasty. Her wrap didn't have the spice mine did. I hope to make-shift another wrap in hopes it tastes the same. Wish me luck. To the Bat Kitchen!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Weird Laws: Part XII

The next installment of U.S. weird laws.

ILLINOIS

In Galesburg it is illegal to maintain an animal that disturbs others with it's odor or noise. Fran Drescher is banned from this town.

In Galesburg it is illegal for a bicycler to practice any acrobatic or fancy riding on any street. Is riding with no hands considered fancy?

INDIANA

It is illegal to inhale glue fumes. What will the elementary school kids do at recess?

It is illegal for a liquor store to sell candy. Good thing I get my liquor at the candy store.

IOWA

Tanning salons are required to post warnings about sunburns. I am going to recommend that these warning signs be posted at the beach. People are unaware of sunburns.

In Cedar Rapids it is illegal to tell fortunes. I was wondering why I never saw any gypsies there.

KANSAS

In Derby it is illegal to damage vending machines. I don't care about the law. If that machine takes my dollar I am opening up a can of whoop-ass on it.

In Overland Park it is illegal to picket funerals. I guess they will have to stick to picketing weddings, birthdays and hide 'n' seek.

KENTUCKY

Any person who interferes with a public speech can be fine up to $500. That goes for crying babies as well.

It is illegal to sell dyed chicks unless you are selling more than 6 of them. It's because you have to have all the colors of the rainbow.

LOUISIANA

Fake boxing or wrestling matches are against the law. Hulk Hogan isn't going to like this.

It is illegal to make insulting remarks to a contestant at a boxing match. If he punches like a girl he is going to hear it from my megaphone.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Forewords

How about a little game?

Each word in the two famous quotes below has been replaced with a word that comes right before it in the dictionary. What are the two related quotes?


1.) Twinge, twinge, litterbug staple, hovercraft hysterics won wharf Yorkie arduous!

2.) Threatened blimp Micah, sedulous hovercraft thew rumpus!

Answers: (Drag the mouse and highlight next to the number to reveal the answer)

1.) Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are!

2.) Three blind mice, see how they run!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Trivia Corner: Round 10 (FINAL ROUND)

Time for the final round folks. If you don't know the rules read ahead. If you have played before you can skip to the questions.

The game is simple. I pose some trivia question from random categories and you have to give me your answers to earn some points. The first question is usually multiple choice and the rest you have to figure out for yourself. Each question is worth a different amount of points depending on its difficulty and just because I made it worth that many points. There are some guidelines that I do ask you to follow.

They are as such:
(1) Email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. You don't need all the answers, its fine if you only guess one. I will only accept emailed answers because I will be turning off the comments for trivia. (Some people like to spoil it by posting the answers in a comment)
(2) No cheating. Looking the answers up on the Internet takes the fun out of the game. Be honest and a good sport.
(3) Questions will be posted on Tuesdays and the answers will be posted on Wednesdays. Get your answers in on time.
(4) Have fun!!

I will keep track of everybody's points on the sidebar so you can see who is kicking who's ass. In the last game I posted the answers in a post. I am changing things up. I will now be posting the answers on the sidebar each week, just in case you missed the post and don't feel like scrolling down. There is going to be 10 rounds. Whoever has the most points after 10 rounds will be declared the winner and they will receive something special. What you ask? I will tell you sometime down the road. Well I think that is it, let's play!!

(1) Approximately, how many mosquitoes, taking one suck each, would it take to drain all the blood from the average human adult? (1 point)

(a) 300,000
(b) 750,000
(c) 1,000,000
(d) 1,200,000
(e) 1,600,000

(2) What deadly virus is named for a river? (2 points)

(3) What gift did Pope Paul VI give Mother Teresa at the conclusion of his 1964 visit with her in India? (3 points)

(4) A wax likeness of what famous American is on display in the Eiffel Tower? (4 points)

(5) What is Acrorthosis? (5 points)

Bonus Question: What was my first car? (10 pts) Extra 5 pts for guessing correct year.

Remember to email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. If you want the questions emailed to you in advance let me know.

Friday, March 4, 2011

The Easter Bunny ate my sandwich

I miss blogging. I didn't expect this school semester to be so busy. I have so much homework and projects to do plus I work overnight so my sleep schedule is erratic. I haven't read a blog in over two weeks and the only things I have been posting are the Trivia Corners. Oh and this rant. I have spring break coming up in a week so hopefully I can try to catch up a little with visiting blogs are writing some fun stuff. Just wanted to let the people that care know that I'm still here just very, very busy. If blogging paid me then I would be on it like a fat kid on a cupcake. But blogging doesn't rank very high on the priority list. If I have missed a really awesome post that you think I would like let me know in a comment. Talk to you guys soon................. I hope.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Trivia Corner: Round 9

Time for round 9 folks. If you don't know the rules read ahead. If you have played before you can skip to the questions.

The game is simple. I pose some trivia question from random categories and you have to give me your answers to earn some points. The first question is usually multiple choice and the rest you have to figure out for yourself. Each question is worth a different amount of points depending on its difficulty and just because I made it worth that many points. There are some guidelines that I do ask you to follow.

They are as such:
(1) Email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. You don't need all the answers, its fine if you only guess one. I will only accept emailed answers because I will be turning off the comments for trivia. (Some people like to spoil it by posting the answers in a comment)
(2) No cheating. Looking the answers up on the Internet takes the fun out of the game. Be honest and a good sport.
(3) Questions will be posted on Tuesdays and the answers will be posted on Wednesdays. Get your answers in on time.
(4) Have fun!!

I will keep track of everybody's points on the sidebar so you can see who is kicking who's ass. In the last game I posted the answers in a post. I am changing things up. I will now be posting the answers on the sidebar each week, just in case you missed the post and don't feel like scrolling down. There is going to be 10 rounds. Whoever has the most points after 10 rounds will be declared the winner and they will receive something special. What you ask? I will tell you sometime down the road. Well I think that is it, let's play!!

(1) What were the first animals to fly into deep space and circle the moon? (1 point)

(a) tortoises
(b) dogs
(c)monkeys
(d) rabbits
(e) snakes

(2) What flavor was a big flop for Jell-O in 1942? (2 points)

(3) What does chop suey mean in Chinese? (3 points)

(4) What did Yippie leaders Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin nominate for president at the Democratic National Convention in Chicago in 1968? (4 points)

(5) What two Grammy firsts did Sinead O'Connor achieve with her hit album I Do Not Want What I Haven't Got? (5 points)

Remember to email me your answers to Reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com. If you want the questions emailed to you in advance let me know.