Monday, March 25, 2013

Fast Food Mascot Winner & A to Z Reveal

I haven't seen such a surprising lopsided victory since O.J. Simpson was acquitted of murder. Little Caesar's 'Pizza, Pizza' Guy did not get a single vote. He won two previous matches with ease and then got his ass handed to him by a Cow. You would think that a dude with a spear could take down a cow.

For being the undisputed Fast Food Mascot champion, The Chick-Fil-A Cow will receive a $50 gift card to the fast food restaurant of her choosing which she will randomly pick from an over sized sombrero. There will be a parade held next February 29th (whenever that is) somewhere between 9am and 11pm.

The Cow appreciates all of your support. She wanted to give away free food from Chick-Fil-A but she doesn't have the power or authority. She did say that if you friended her on Facebook that she would accept everybody.
The A to Z Challenge is right around the corner!!! Have you been preparing? Do you have posts ready to go? Are you waiting to the last second and winging it? I'm excited and scared. This is my first attempt at the A to Z Challenge.

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc.

I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z Challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio. There will be interviews, interventions, guest posts and so much more. Hope to see you next week.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Simple & Fun Question of the Week

Q: If for the rest of your life you had to give up either bacon or chocolate, which could you give up?

The final round of the Fast Food Mascot Battle needs more votes. The poll is located to the top left. I hear the Little Caesar's 'Pizza, Pizza' Guy is giving out bribes (or cribs, I can't remember which I heard).

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Battle of the Fast Food Mascots: The Final Round

The Burger King got his crown handed to him in that last round. I think we might have an underdog story on our hands. Little Caesar's 'Pizza, Pizza' Guy is set to take on The Chick-Fil-A Cow. Not the match-up I thought was going to be here. I just assumed Ronald would duke it out with The King. I'm still not sure if I should tell my wife how much money I lost. Enough crying, time for the final match.

I retained the services of a Breaking & Entering expert and I obtained the adolescent diaries of The Cow and Little Caesar's 'Pizza, Pizza' Guy. I will now randomly select some entries to share with you. After that you vote for a mascot.


Little Caesar's 'Pizza, Pizza' Guy's (AKA Carl) Diary

01/06/72 - I can't wait for my to turn 13th birthday next week. I hope I get a pizza party. I love pizza, I could eat it everyday.

01/15/72 - Why did Becky have to point out that I had a boner at my party? She is never gonna want to be my girlfriend now.

02/09/72 - Everyone is the school knows about my boner at my party. The jokes are getting old but everyone is still making fun of me. I think I will pretend to be sick tomorrow, I can't take it anymore.

03/15/74 - I almost saw Mrs. Haggerty's nipples today. She bent over to grab something off the floor and her boobs almost fell completely out of her blouse. I am going to have to throw that sock out after tonight.

10/16/75 - I caught myself looking at Jason undress in the locker room after gym class. I don't know why I stared for so long. I hope he didn't see me. I'm a bit confused about how I felt afterwards. I thought I liked boobs.

10/19/75 - I had another dream about Jason. I need to tell him this time even though it might ruin our friendship. Maybe I can get away with slapping his butt first for fun....?

Chick-Fil- A Cow's Diary

04/25/82 - Joyce and Melissa are already wearing training bras. I can't wait for my udders to grow.

08/16/82 - Just wait until the boys see me walk into school with these babies. They are going to cream their pants. Joyce and Melissa are going to be so jealous.

05/07/84 - That pizza delivery guy had the biggest boner. I don't think he even knew. I think his name tag said Carl.

07/14/85 - Should I keep the baby? Should I tell Peter that he is the father? Should I have tacos or wings for lunch?

02/03/87 - Dear Diary, remind me not to try butt sex again. I haven't pooped right for days. Men are liars.

05/04/87 - Dear Diary, remind me not to try butt sex again. I haven't pooped right for days. Men are liars. Remember to star this entry so you will remember next time.

Time to vote. The poll is located to the top left of the blog. This is the LAST ROUND so make your vote count. Thanks to everyone who has participated. 

Monday, March 18, 2013

Top Ten Movie Blogfest

I was there when Alex did his dirty dozen movie blogfest. Those were good times. Now I am suppose to cut down my list by two movies?!?!?!? I didn't think I was going to be able to cope with the loss but I received some counseling for a month and I think I am finally well again. It is hard enough to make a top ten of my favorite movies so there is no order to my list. I did make some changes from the old dirty dozen list.

Fight Club - The book is awesome too.

The Dark Knight - Poor Heath Ledger.

Memento - Somebody took my DVD and I want it back.

Pulp Fiction - Quentin, you know how to make a good flick.

Rounders - Maybe if I watch it enough I can become a poker champ too.

Finding Nemo - I am still waiting on the sequel: Finding Dori.

Wedding Crashers - I'm upset no one crashed my wedding.

Donnie Darko - I love the song 'Mad World' from the soundtrack. I got goosebumps listening to it.

Empire Records - "But it's Rex Manning day."

Almost Famous - Every time I watch it I want to buy a whole bunch of classic rock songs and albums.

There are so many films that I can easily interchange with any of these. These are the ones I thought of first. Head over to our fearless leader, Alex,  to join in on the fun. As a side note, my number on the link list is 69, I thought that was interesting. And tomorrow is The Final Battle of the Fast Food Mascots where The Chick-Fil-A Cow throws down with Little Caesar's 'Pizza, Pizza' Guy. Be there or be... not there, I guess.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Random Thoughts & Shit

I am obsessed with The Walking Dead.

I hate it when I have a random thought and forget to write it down.

I just noticed after 5 months that the DMV got my birthday wrong on my license, do they know something that I don't?

Where are the characters on The Walking Dead getting their hair cut and a clean shave?

I decided to check my voice mail from my grandma in the computer lab at school. My phone decided it was necessary to turn on speaker phone so that everybody could hear.

On The Walking Dead, I'm surprised not more people are being killed while taking a poop.

With unemployment and gas prices so high, why are there so many damn people driving around at 11 o'clock in the morning?!?!

We should bring back the Milk Man, I want my milk to come in a big glass bottle.

Why does my cat only want attention when I'm doing my business on the toilet?

I think UPS, Fedex or DHL should buy out the United States Postal Service.

I love boobs.

I work at a bank. How come 75% of the people that to the drive-up are unprepared? Sure, I will wait another 5 minutes while you fill out your deposit, and don't mind the 73 cars behind you that are waiting. They either drove from home or the office where they could of filled out their deposit. It's not like someone handed them their banking at a stop light and asked if they could make a deposit for them.

When I pick up a coat off the floor or car seat it takes me 5 minutes to figure out which end is up.

When I'm outside near a car that is moving slowly I get a weird urge to have my foot run over to see what would happen. I think it would tickle and I wouldn't get hurt.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Battle of the Fast Food Mascots: Semi-Finals Round 2

Holy cow!! That creepy clown didn't stand a chance against that Cow. The Cow wins by a landslide. I haven't seen something that lopsided since Tara Reid's boob job. Next week is the FINAL ROUND. Make sure you don't miss it. It will be a once in a lifetime event.

Will it be The King or Little Caesar's "Pizza, Pizza" Guy? (I'm secretly voting for The King because his name is a lot easier to type). Today I decided to let people in the audience and from home submit questions for today's combatants.


PTM: First set of questions are for The King. This one is from 10 year old Timothy Dwyer. I like Mcdonald's fries better. Can you tell my dad to stop taking me to Burger King?
The King: That depends Timmy, does your dad like Royal Jam?
PTM: That is all sorts of disturbing. Next question is from 82 year old Emma Fitzsimmons. How come you don't serve Sanka?
The King: Ma'am, this isn't 1971. If you ran out of Sanka, I'm sure you can find some buried coffee cans in your back yard.
Cameraman #2: Grandma, I told you to stop writing into the show with silly questions.
PTM: I love grandma Fitzsimmons. She makes the best blueberry pie and she is easy on the eyes.
Cameraman ##2: You are not hooking up with my gamma again. We already went through this once.
PTM:  She is a grown woman and she can make her own choices. Let's move on. The last question for The King come from William Clinton. I love chubby ankles. Thanks for helping little Bill get off.
The King: Was that really from the president? No problem Bill. You are my hero.
PTM: He is one horny and crazy dude. Let's move onto questions for Little Caesar's "Pizza, Pizza" Guy aka Carl..

PTM: First question is from 56 year old Frank Spinosa. I get diarrhea every time I eat your pizza, should I consult a doctor about this?
Carl: Maybe a brain doctor. How about you stop eating food that gives you diarrhea all the time. What a moron.
PTM: Carl, giving it to 'em straight. Next question is from 42 year old Sasha Kingston. Little Caesar's sucks, Domino's is better. 
Carl: I think I know that name, I think she works at a Little Caesar's. I would have to agree with you Sasha but Domino's keeps telling me they don't need a mascot.
PTM: Final question is from 7 year old Patty Arnold. Why does my friend Julie have two mommies? I want two mommies.
Carl: Patty are you familiar with the term 'Rug Muncher'? If not I would ask your mommy.
PTM: Well that is all the questions we have today. 

Make sure you cast your vote on the poll on the top left of the blog. The winner here will face The Cow next week for the ultimate crown. (If The King wins he does get a different crown to wear).

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Unknown Oscar Categories

The Oscars are over and Seth Macfarlane was a terrific host. I actually watched them for the first time ever this year. What I observed was that there are too many damn categories and it takes way too long to go through them all. What you don't know is that there were a lot more categories that they didn't get through because the show ran too long.

Best Supporting Cameraman
Recognizing the men and woman that can keep a camera still the most.
Cameraman #2 for Argo
Cameraman #3 for Lincoln
Cameraman # 3 for Pitch Perfect
Cameraman #3 from Pitch Perfect (real name unknown)
Acceptance Speech: "I would like to thank all the girls for looking hot and for not being creeped out for my staring."

Actor in a Leading Role's Mom
Recognizing the moms that decided to keep the baby.
Bradley Cooper's Mom (Silver Linings Playbook)
Mark Ruffalo's Mom (The Avengers)
Anne Hathaway's Mom (The Dark Knight Rises)
Mark Ruffalo's Mom
Acceptance Speech: "I still don't know what a Hulk is but I am proud of my little Mark."

Best Film Title That Can Be Easily Turned Into A Porno
Recognizing how dirty our minds can be.
Silver Linings Playbook to Semen Lined Playboy
The Dark Knight Rises to The Dark Cock Arises
Beasts of the Southern Wild to Breasts of the Southern Woman
Silver Linings Playbook
Acceptance Speech (by some writer): "This has always been my dream since I watched my first porn at 8 years old."

Actress in a Supporting Supporting Role
Recognizing the women that make understudying an art.
Shelley Regner for Pitch Perfect
Nicole Lovince for Pitch Perfect
Wanetah Walmsley for Pitch Perfect
3-way Tie
Acceptance Speeches:
Shelley: "I would like to tha..."
Nicole: "Let me talk, you are always hogging the spotlight."
Wanetah: (pulls both girls hair) "Stop being childish, thank you from all of us."

Best Use of a Tiger
Recognizing that tigers are just as scary as sharks.
Life of Pi
None - Due to the fact that no one voted

I will inform you if I find out anymore categories that were kept under wraps or weren't on tv.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Battle of the Fast Food Mascots: Semi-Finals Round One

The King is victorious! The King is victorious! He might have won fairly or it could have to do with the chocolate cake bribe from Rawknrobyn. There will be full investigation but that could take months. Either way, it doesn't matter, The King will move onto the semi-finals with Ronald Mcdonald, The Chick-Fil-A Cow and Little Caesar's "Pizza, Pizza" Guy. Disclaimer: This blog and it's affiliates does not condone vote tampering nor judge bribery. (But if you are a hardened criminal already and don't care for the law, I love dark chocolate).

On a sad note, Jared has fallen into a deep depression and is ironically stuffing his face with Whoppers.

Let's move onto the first round of the semi-finals. 


Since I have already interviewed these combatants, I am going to change things up and interview their parents.

PTM: Thank you for being here today Mrs. Mcdonald.
Mrs. Mcdonald: No problem, Mrs. Mcdonald is too formal, call me Sheila.
PTM: I though your first name was Margaret?
Mrs Mcdonald: It is but I've always liked the name Sheila.

PTM: Okay, Sheila? What was Ronald like as a kid?
Sheila: He was a normal kid until about age 7. From about age 7 til age 12, he used to dress up in my clothes, put on my make-up and sing Barbara Streisand into a hairbrush.

PTM: Sounds about right that he turned into an adult clown. Did he play sports as a kid?
Sheila: No, he was into home economics. The football team used to play keep-away with his knitting supplies.

PTM: Kids can be rough.I must say Sheila, you look great for 72. If you were 50 years younger I would totally hit that.
Sheila: Why thank you. I must say, you look pretty good for a guy with toast for a head.

PTM: Thanks, I try to keep it well maintained. If I'm not careful a family of pigeons could ruin a good hair day. How often do you eat at Mcdonald's?
Sheila: That seems like a random question.

PTM: It's where your son works. I would have to say it's an obvious question.
Sheila:That's where he works?!? I just assumed he entertained at kids' birthday parties and had a side job of keeping the bull from killing the cowboy. All this time I didn't even know. I have to call his father and tell him right now.

PTM: Sheila, wait! We aren't done with the interview. 
Cameraman #2: You want me to go get her?
PTM: No, just go tell The Cow's dad that I'm ready for him.
PTM: Thanks for being here with us. I'm sorry, my staff failed to tell me your first name.
The Cow's Father: You can call me Rusty.
PTM: I don't mean to be rude Rusty, but you have some blood dripping out of your nose.
Rusty: Thanks. Damn thing is like a faucet.

PTM: Do you normally get nosebleeds?
Rusty: No, I was recently diagnosed with Mad Cow's Disease.

PTM: Is that contagious?
Rusty: Only if I bite you which I haven't done to anyone yet.

PTM: You really didn't have to come in we could of done this interview via Skype.
Rusty: The doctors only gave me about a month to live so I needed to get out of the house.

PTM: Rusty I hate to be a dick but you are depressing the hell out of me. These interviews are suppose to make people laugh and you sucking the wind out of this place.
Rusty: Well it's a good thing I was joking then. I don't have Mad Cow's Disease. 

PTM: Really? That's a strange sense of humor. Then why is your nose bleeding so much?
Rusty: I was snorting coke with some crazy looking clown in the bathroom. I was just in there taking a piss and he came out of nowhere and asked if I wanted to do a line. 
PTM: Ronald Mcdonald randomly offered you coke in the bathroom?
Rusty: No it wasn't Ronald. I would of recognized him.

PTM: So you are saying that some random guy dressed as a clown offered you coke in the bathroom and you thought this was a good idea?
Rusty: I've done worse, I once did some crystal meth with a leprechaun dressed as a unicorn.
PTM: I have no idea what to say to that. So on that note let's move onto the battle.

As always, scroll up to the top of the blog to vote on the poll. I also accept colorful comments.

Friday, March 1, 2013

IHop Review Repost

I am not feeling very creative today so I am reposting something from 2010 that you probably haven't read. Enjoy.

The International House of Pancakes isn't as international as you think it would be. Locations outside of the United States only include Canada and Mexico. That is what I found when I went on their website. They will go global someday but I guess I will cross off IHop as an eating option when I travel abroad.

Nicole and I dined at the 'hop last Friday afternoon. I wish it had been my first experience there so I could give you a first time review but that will happen eventually with some other establishment.

Nicole ordered the stuffed french toast (I think, don't quote me on it) and I got the new country loaded potatoes with a side order of Nutella crepes. They looked so tasty on the menu that I couldn't resist. Let me tell you, the potatoes were out of this world, they had monterey jack and cheddar cheese, cut up bacon pieces, green peppers, onions and sour cream. I like to add a little ketchup for added flavor. Ketchup is the shit and that's how I roll. The crepes on the other hand weren't as great. The menu said (as if the menu could talk, if it could I imagine the voice of James Earl Jones) it had Nutella filling with bananas, nuts and a strawberry topping. The bananas and strawberries were delicious but there wasn't enough Nutella. I think we got gipped, I was a little disappointed, there were a few tears.

I had also ordered a new coffee they have cooked up, there were a few tasty flavors to choose from but I went with a favorite: french vanilla. The java was served in like a soup bowl and it was heavenly. I wish I had spent more time drinking the coffee than eating the Nutella-less crepes. SIDE BAR: I am reminded of the Seinfeld episode where the Dominicans that Kramer hires start working at the crepe place and they roll them too tight and everybody gets burned with hot fruit sauce. This new coffee wasn't their regular brew, it was magical and I was drinking it like it had cocaine in it (I just assume that I would be be immediately addicted, for the record I have never experience cocaine. I need to get that out for it might hurt my future presidency).


Oh look, I actually got a table.... this place is like the frickin' Sahara today.

They better leave a good tip. I have such bad PMS and I will burn this mother down.

They want all that plus an order of crepes? I'm not calling 911 when they both have heart attacks.

Why is he putting ketchup on his potatoes? Does he realize that they aren't french fries? Dude, this isn't Mickey D's.

I just ripped one, do they smell it yet? I think I better check my panties.

I need a cigarette so bad. Why don't you just leave, stop stuffing your faces and leave already!!

I'm starving, I wonder what they would do if I just sat down and started to eat their food?

Looks like they're done...I'll take his plate...oh...he wants to keep it?...Why?...there are only two crumbs on it.

Is he gonna lick the plate clean? I hope not....we didn't even wash the plates.

Now he wants me to take his plate when I just asked him like 30 seconds ago...arghh! I hate my job!

If they order something I else, I will stab them both in the eye with their forks.

I bet he's gay.

Did she just pick up the check? What a cheap fucking bastard. That ring better be real or he's in trouble.

Screw it, I'm going on break, they don't pay me enough to wait on these people. I'll send the new girl over to send them on their way.

Resume review. It used to be that you would pay the cashier on your way out but we had to pay our server this time but the register is still there, WTF? And we saw somebody paying the cashier on our way in. I don't understand. This was definitely my best experience at IHop. The food was phenomenal and the new coffee is exquisite. I don't care that I probably gained 10 pounds, it was all worth it. One of the things I realized is that you really can't take breakfast leftovers home, everything is covered in syrup or ketchup. You have to be committed to eat what you get. I give IHop a full stomach. I'm making that the equivalent of 5 stars.

If you have never eaten at an IHop then you should be ashamed of yourself. Go right now, a lot of them are open 24/7. You know you want a short stack at 3 am. I want to thank Golden Girl (who is my fiance Nicole) for helping me with this post. She came up with most of the waitress thoughts.