Thursday, March 7, 2013

Unknown Oscar Categories

The Oscars are over and Seth Macfarlane was a terrific host. I actually watched them for the first time ever this year. What I observed was that there are too many damn categories and it takes way too long to go through them all. What you don't know is that there were a lot more categories that they didn't get through because the show ran too long.

Best Supporting Cameraman
Recognizing the men and woman that can keep a camera still the most.
Cameraman #2 for Argo
Cameraman #3 for Lincoln
Cameraman # 3 for Pitch Perfect
Cameraman #3 from Pitch Perfect (real name unknown)
Acceptance Speech: "I would like to thank all the girls for looking hot and for not being creeped out for my staring."

Actor in a Leading Role's Mom
Recognizing the moms that decided to keep the baby.
Bradley Cooper's Mom (Silver Linings Playbook)
Mark Ruffalo's Mom (The Avengers)
Anne Hathaway's Mom (The Dark Knight Rises)
Mark Ruffalo's Mom
Acceptance Speech: "I still don't know what a Hulk is but I am proud of my little Mark."

Best Film Title That Can Be Easily Turned Into A Porno
Recognizing how dirty our minds can be.
Silver Linings Playbook to Semen Lined Playboy
The Dark Knight Rises to The Dark Cock Arises
Beasts of the Southern Wild to Breasts of the Southern Woman
Silver Linings Playbook
Acceptance Speech (by some writer): "This has always been my dream since I watched my first porn at 8 years old."

Actress in a Supporting Supporting Role
Recognizing the women that make understudying an art.
Shelley Regner for Pitch Perfect
Nicole Lovince for Pitch Perfect
Wanetah Walmsley for Pitch Perfect
3-way Tie
Acceptance Speeches:
Shelley: "I would like to tha..."
Nicole: "Let me talk, you are always hogging the spotlight."
Wanetah: (pulls both girls hair) "Stop being childish, thank you from all of us."

Best Use of a Tiger
Recognizing that tigers are just as scary as sharks.
Life of Pi
None - Due to the fact that no one voted

I will inform you if I find out anymore categories that were kept under wraps or weren't on tv.


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

No award for best unofficial tagline? I'd imagine Argo would've won for "Argo ___ yourself."

Mark said...

I would personally very much enjoy more awards going to movies that could easily be turned in to a porno. "The Dark Knight Rises" already sounds like a porno.

Addman said...

I'd like to see an Alien Vs Predator crossover with Life Of Pi and Jaws. Then we'll see if tigers are scarier than sharks.

Just Keepin It Real, Folks! said...

And I thought I was the only person on the planet who saw Pitch Perfect other than the cameramen.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Brilliant. Breasts of The Southern woman.

Birgit said...

So many more Oscars could be given out-for best film extra-That guy in the bar or how about people who were big once and are in a film but have one foot in the grave-that would be anyone over 82. Loved Seth McFarlane and the Booby song. Jane Fonda didn't like it but hey, she starred in Barbarella and had fun with the Vietcong back in the day so I am not taking her too much to heart.

Al Penwasser said...

Pitch Perfect?
And here I thought it was about an opera singer.

T. Roger Thomas said...

Anne Hathaway's mom was robbed. I silently thank her everyday for the genetic marvel that she brought into the world.

AccordingtoJewels said...

I cracked the hell up at "Best Use Of A Tiger". Hated the book and refuse to see the movie. Still haven't seen Pitch Perfect and I'm not sure I'm missing much. These were great. :D

Baby Sister said...

I think Mark's mom definitely deserved to win. It would be hard to be the mom of a hulk... said...

Very clever, PTM. I like "Breasts of a Southern Woman." I mean, not that I like them personally. But not that I'm not opposed to them...I also like the one recognizing moms who decided to keep the baby. Good work!


Sherry Ellis said...

How could they not award Life of Pi as the best use of a tiger? Oh, the shame!

C. Lee McKenzie said...

I had one of the best times at this Oscar show. I agree the MC did a great job. I loved how he/the writers pushed the PC envelop.

Pat Tillett said...

Being the mom of the Hulk? That woman must have always repairing clothes and tidying up all the broken furniture...

M. J. Joachim said...

I didn't watch the Oscar's this year - haven't for a few years...just seems like there are so many other more important things to do with my time.

A Beer For The Shower said...

"You NEED to see this movie, it won the Oscar for Best Sound Editing," said no one ever.

Also, if there was an Oscar for Best Use of a Tiger, it would go to the Hangover, obviously.

Linda Roy said...

I like your blog. And I happen to be eating cheese right now. I'd like to invite you to come join in on my I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop - happening now and all week. LInk your old posts/new posts anything you want as many as you want! Nice to "meet" you!

- Mod Mom