Friday, October 18, 2019

Dad Jokes



Did you hear about the cross-eye teacher?

He couldn't control his pupils.



I would tell you a joke about beds but it hasn't been made up yet.



How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

Wednesday, October 16, 2019

Dear John Letter: written by a dyslexic five year old

Daer Jhon,

 I Konw yuor nmae ins't Jhon, my mtheor tlod me to use taht nmae. I am srory to hvae to say tihs to you but I tinhk we sohuld see oehtr popele. Nipnapg wtih you has been fun but I need to mvoe on wtih my lfie. You cluod do so mcuh bteter tahn me. Suise is snlige and she is awyals lioknog at you. I hvae seen you cechk out her big, runod bule eeys. I hvae dnrak Ptere's mlik and I lkie the tsate of his wihte stutf bteetr. He ralely ejnyos it wehn I paly wiht his lolcnin log. I am keniepg the marcanoi pcitrue taht you mdae me. I whis you all the bset. Good lcuk nxet yaer in fisrt gadre. You wlil awyals be my frist ksis.

Lvoe, Smatnaha

 To view the unjumbled paragraph right click with your mouse and highlight below.
Dear John,

I know your name isn't John, my mother told me to use that name. I am sorry to have to say this you  but I think we should see other people. Napping with you has been fun but I need to move on with my life. You could do so much better than me . Susie is single and she is always looking at you. I have seen you check out her big, round blue eyes. I have drank Peter's milk and I like the taste of his while stuff better. He really enjoys it when I play with his lincoln log. I am keeping the macaroni picture that you made me. I wish you all the best. Good luck next year in first grade. You will always be my first kiss.

Love, Samantha

Studies show that the brain can read words even if they are jumbled as long as the first and last letter are correct. Was it easy to read the jumbled paragraph?

Monday, October 14, 2019

Failed car names




Ford Turtle

Nissan Widowmaker

Toyota Serendipity

Chevrolet Tea Bag

Kia Whip

Honda Cucaracha

Mazda Artichoke

Buick Light Saber

Lincoln Nebraska

Cadillac Tsunami

Acura Accurate

Lexus 1234

Mitsubishi Paper Weight

Jeep Declaration of Independence

Dodge Truckavan

GMC Big Truck

Chrysler Curds & Whey

Pontiac Toaster

Saturn Rings

Oldsmobile Tetrahedron 

Isuzu B39HK-88P

Mercedes-Benz $$$$

Hyundai Abortion

BMW Infinity Series

Mercury Falafel


Friday, October 11, 2019

Boardroom meeting with the Vowels


All the vowels (A, E, I, O, U) and Y are in a board meeting to discuss whether or not Y should be classified as a vowel.

E: Thank you all for coming in today. We are hear to discuss this 'sometimes Y' bullshit. I am sick and tired of trying to decide if this asshole is a vowel or not. I have had it up to..

A: Whoa, whoa E. Calm down. Can we stay professional here? We are all a little frustrated with the situation. If you can't keep your cool, I'm gonna have to ask you to wait outside. Are we on the same page?

E: It just makes me so mad!!

A: What did I just say?!?!

E: Okay, okay, I can be cool.

Y: Yeah man, be cool like a cucumber.

I: Shut up Y, you're the reason why we are all here.

Y: I'm sensing some unwanted hostility from some of you. Do you need me to clean your Ora?

O: Enough of your hippie bullshit mumbo jumbo.

Y: Don't be mad because I found inner peace. I can show you how to align your shakras.

A: Y, just be quiet for right now before one of these guys stabs you.

U: Damn straight!!

A: We are here to decide if Y should be identified as a vowel or consonant. There will be no more flipping back and forth when it's convenient for you. 

E: Yeah, we don't even need you. You're just extra baggage like the K in knight.

I: Not cool man, you know K is my brother-in-law.

E: Sorry dude, I forgot.

Y: I'm important. Without me how would you spell Gypsy or end most adjectives.

O: I and//or E could easily solve those problems. You are not needed.

U: Hear that? Not needed. So pack your bags! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

A: I'd watch what you're saying U. You're not that popular either. 

U: What does that mean?

A: People aren't very happy when they get you playing Scrabble. That extra point is not worth the frustration. You might need Y as a buddy.

U: I thought we were hear to get rid of Y. How come you're getting on my case?

A: Let's just say I know who has been eating my Reese's Pieces.

U: Fuck.

Y: Can I just say one thing?

A: Nope! All in favor of kicking Y out of the vowels, say aye.

E: Aye.

I: Aye.

Y: Nay.

O: Aye

A: Aye.

P: Nay

U: Aye.

A: P? Where the hell did you come from?

P: I was hiding under the table.

E: That's weird dude. Now get out. This doesn't concern you.

P: Okay, okay. I'm outta here. Wanna hang out later?

A: Go!!

P: Okay, okay. I get it.

O: That was a bit odd. Oh well.

A: And the ayes have it. Sorry Y. No hard feelings. Say hi to Z for me. While snickering

Y: I hate you guys! Crying uncontrollably, runs out of the room.

I: Inner peace, my ass.




Wednesday, October 9, 2019

Nursery Rhymes: Behind the story


We all know and love the nursery rhymes we heard as a child. But do you know the back story or the aftermath of those stories. Well I am here to share those with you.

The stories of Jack & Jill and Humpty Dumpty are connected.

 Jack & Jill were actually twins and Jack got most of the attention. Also, Jill and Humpty were secretly dating. Jack didn't know because Jill knew he would not approve. Jill was fed up with all the attention that Jack got. In High School, he was captain of the football team and all around popular guy. He was also the favorite twin. Their mom would never admit it but he definitely got more of the love. She snapped and convinced Humpty to get rid of her problem. Jack falling down and breaking his crown was no accident. He was murdered by Humpty Dumpty. Humpty was so distraught over what he did that he took his own life by jumping off that wall. 

He left a suicide note and this it what it read:

To whomever finds my body,

I am so sorry. I am a bad egg. I deserve to be cracked on the sidewalk. I have done an unspeakable thing. Jack did not fall down the hill by accident. I pushed him. I just wanted to break his legs or maybe disfigure him. I swear I wasn't trying to kill him. Tell my mom that I love her and I always hate my name.

With deepest regret,
Humpty Dumpty

P.S. Please don't let those horses try and put me back together. They have no hands and will only make a mess. I have watched them play with jigsaw puzzles.

As you can read, Humpty did not snitch on Jill. He took full blame like a man. Jill split town as soon as she heard of Humpty's accident. She never got wind of the suicide note. She just assumed the police would pin it on her somehow. She bounced around from state to state as an exotic dancer working local strip clubs. She called herself 'Tumbles'. No one has seen her in years. Her mom doesn't know if she is alive or dead. 


Monday, October 7, 2019

Movie Title Change


Movie titles with one or more words added for fun.


Finding Captain Nemo

Pulp Free Fiction

Courage Under Fire Hydrant

When Harry Met Sally Struthers

Fight Club Sandwich

Field of Wet Dreams

The Seven Year Crotch Itch

A Few Good Humor Men

Lady and the Trampoline

Gone with the Breaking Wind

Back to the Near Future

The Dark Chocolate Knight

Ferris Bueller's Day Jerk Off

The Hunger Strike Games

Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark

The Passion Fruit of the Christ

The Wizard of Dr. Oz

Toilet Paper Moon

Fist Bumps of Fury

Kung Fu Panda Express








Friday, October 4, 2019

Weird Laws Part Nineteen


Here is the next installment of weird laws of the United States. If you look above there is a link to a page with all the weird laws posts I have done.

ALABAMA

It is a misdemeanor to impersonate a member of the clergy. This will result in jail time and/or a fine up to $500. You will have to find another way to get close to young boys.

ALASKA

If you kill a moose, you have to salvage all the meat so people can eat it. Hope they have a sale on freezers. 

ARIZONA

You need a permit to feed garbage to a pig. I will just feed the raccoons and tell them they have to share. 

ARKANSAS

In Little Rock, no person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9pm. Assemble all the clowns with honking noses!!

CALIFORNIA

You can have as many frogs for as many frog-jumping contests that you want. But if they die, you cannot eat them. Officer, no these were not my jumping contest frogs. They were my juggling frogs. Excuse me so I can eat my lunch. 

COLORADO

In Boulder, you are not permitted to roll, throw or move any boulders on any public property. That is the only souvenir I want from Boulder, Colorado!

CONNECTICUT

In Southington, you may not use silly string unless it is in the privacy of your own home. Man the Chuck E. Cheese parties must be so lame. 

DELAWARE

In Fenwick Island, you can't tailgate or otherwise picnic around your car between midnight and 6am. Everybody knows the best picnics are at 3am. 


Thursday, October 3, 2019

Alternate Endings to Movies


I love alternate ending to movies, especially when the director goes a totally different way. Here are some of my own alternate endings. They are very popular older movies. Spoilers may be present. 

Titanic - Jack survives because he got on top of a door that was just big enough for him. Rose drowns. 

E.T. : The Extra Terrestrial - After E.T. flies away with his parents, Elliot's mom reveals that ALF has been hiding in her closet.

The Sixth Sense - It turns out that Bruce Wills character is alive. Haley Joel Osment's character has been dropping acid every day. 

Independence Day - Randy Quaid's character falls in love with an alien. He leaves with them and the aliens succeed in destroying the Earth.

Finding Nemo - The whole movie is Marlin's dream. He has been living in the dentist's fish tank . Nemo and Dory both died several years ago. 

Forrest Gump - It ends on Forrest looking in the mirror. He laughs to himself and says "I can't believe everyone is still falling for this stupid act."

Saving Private Ryan - Tom Hanks whispers into Matt Damon's ear "I shit my pants."

Terminator 2: Judgment Day - As he lowers himself into the molten metal, The Terminator says "John Connor, I love you." There is just awkward silence from everyone. The Terminator is gone and John says "what the fuck was that about?"

Jaws - Brody shoots the oxygen tank and blows jaws up. Two seconds later another great white shark comes up behind him and kills him. The end. 

Toy Story - Buzz and Woody fall in love. You see them holding hands walking into Andy's room. They kick out all the toys into the hallway. They close the door behind them. Barry White is heard in the background. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2019

Would you rather: Moral & Ethical dilemmas



I love the 'would you rather' game. My daughter comes up with some very odd ones like would you rather eat a tree or be a dinosaur? Most of them are like that. Kids are silly. How about some moral and ethical would you rathers?


You will be successful in whatever you do as a career but one of your closest friends will never be successful and will always be a failure. Would you do it?

Your spouse has an incurable but not fatal disease that inconveniences both of your lives all the time. You are given a magic pill that will cure your spouse but they will hate you forever. Do you give them the pill?

You and your best friend work together. Your friend embezzles a lot of money and tells you about it. You promise not to tell anybody. An innocent coworker is charged for the crime. Do you rat your friend out?

You can reverse the effects of global warming with the press of a button but in doing so will kill all the dogs on Earth. Do yo press the button?

A genie will grant you 3 wishes but with every wish a kid that you don't know dies. Do you ask for the wishes?

Thursday, September 26, 2019

Almost 911 emergencies


911 is only for emergencies. We all know that but there are some special people out there that call 911 when Mcdonalds forgot their chicken nuggets or the Wendy's drive-thru is closed. There are plenty of events and occurrences in our lives where calling 911 would be so convenient and helpful. Such as:

Realizing mid-poop that you have no toilet paper

You have your bowl full of cereal but no milk in the fridge

You stepped on a Lego, barefoot

You think there is a monster under the bed

The remote control is on the other side of the room

It's time for bed but the sink is full of dishes

You are the only one home and you can't open the jar of pickles

Your baby needs a diaper change ASAP

Your 3 year old son keeps asking WHY and you have no more answers

There is a spider on the wall

You can't get away from that annoying coworker

You are at the grocery store without your grocery list

You stepped in a puddle on got your sock and shoe all wet

Wendy's forgot to give you honey mustard for your nuggets

The garbage is full but it is raining out

Your wife needs one ingredient for dinner and she wants to send you out to the store

You stubbed your door on the corner of the bed frame

You are on hour 3 of building your new IKEA furniture

A coworker ate your yogurt that was in the work fridge

You smell a skunk






Monday, September 23, 2019

Out Sick


Excuse my absence this past week from posting, reading and commenting. I have been fighting off a cold and it continues to linger. My brain is quite foggy and the creative juices are all clogged up. I will return to the blogging world once I feel like myself again.

If you didn't notice that I was gone then I am not as special as I thought I was.

Please find other forms of content to make you laugh in the meantime.

Tuesday, September 17, 2019

Some important questions


Normally I am all about having fun on here but today I'm going to ask some serious questions. I have always wondered about every one's blogging habits and hopefully you will all tell me in a comment. To make you feel at ease I will answer my own questions.

1.) Do you have a blogging schedule? Do you post a certain amount of times each week or is it totally random?

I used to post randomly whenever I had an idea. Nowadays I forced myself to have a strict schedule. I post 3 times a week. I come up with at least one new idea every day. I read and comment  on 20 blogs per day. I also reply to comments via email. 

2.) Do you Blog for fun or are you an aspiring writer?

For 10 years I blogged just for funsies. Now I want to be a comedy writer so I use this as my outlet.

3.) Do you always return the favor if someone comments on a post? Do you always comment after reading a post?

99% of the time I return the favor. I feel like it is blogger etiquette to engage with your followers. I usually try to leave a funny comment on a post. I never just read and leave.

4.) Do you make any money blogging? If so, how?

No, but I want to. 

5.) Who is your all time blogger buddy?

Rawkn Robyn from Life by Chocolate. We compliment each other quite nicely. Alex J. Cavanaugh is a close second. 

6.) Does you spouse or significant other support your blog/writing?

At first, no. It took a loooooong time. People that don't blog just don't understand.

7.) Ask me a question.


Thursday, September 12, 2019

Couples counseling: Santa & The Mrs.


I recently took some online classes and now I am a certified couples counselor. I don't get paid as much as a therapist but it pays for my hummus addiction. I don't know how I did it but my first two patients are Santa and Mrs. Claus. I guess they have some free time now since Christmas is still a few months away. I also hear that Santa is pretty cheap and probably didn't want to spend the big bucks on some fancy quack.


PTM: Thank you Santa and Mrs. Claus for being my first two patients. Are you patients? I'm not sure what to call you since I am not a doctor. Would clients be better terminology? Anyway I am going to try to fix whatever problems you two are having. First I will talk to you separately and then bring you back together for a group session. Mrs. Claus I will chat with you first. Santa can you take a seat in the waiting room? There are plenty of dirty magazines and assorted donuts.



PTM: Mrs. Caus, how long have you and Santa been married?

Mrs. Claus: Fifty-eight years, but don’t ask Mr. Claus. His memory went years ago. He can’t even find the bathroom anymore. Thank goodness for Depends!

PTM: Was that a product plug? Didn't know you two sponsored stuff. What is the biggest problem in your relationship?

Mrs. Claus: I always have to spend Christmas alone. You would think just one time he’d send the elves out and stay home with me.

PTM: I never thought of that before, must get so lonely. What is your favorite thing about Santa?

Mrs. Claus: He tickles me. I can’t tell you where though.

PTM: I would do it too but my lawyers said I am not allowed to tickle guests anymore, not since that incident with Hugh Jackman. How would you describe your sex life?

Mrs. Claus: Let’s just say no one’s going up the chimney anymore.

PTM: I wouldn't kick you out of bed. If you were allowed to cheat on Santa with one person, who would that be?

Mrs. Claus: The Easter Bunny. His cousin is the Energizer Bunny, you know.

PTM: Why not the Energizer Bunny then? The Easter Bunny might be done in 3 minutes. What pet peeve of yours that Santa does drives you the most crazy?

Mrs. Claus: When he gets the reindeer games confused with hunting season. Poor little dears. We had to get all new reindeer last year.

PTM: That must be tough trying to find more magic reindeer. Why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children.

Mrs. Claus: Santa brought one home one year after his Christmas flight. Little fella kept running away, screaming ‘You’re not my real father. I’ll never rule the North Pole with you!’ I think a polar bear finally got him…

PTM: Poor little TImmy. What is a secret that the big guy doesn't know?

Mrs. Claus: Gary the elf down in shipping and I have had a thing going on for years now…

PTM: You just said no one goes up your chimney anymore. Unless your chimney is your butt hole. Now it makes sense. Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White?

Mrs. Claus: I’m not that kind of woman, but if it would entice the mister into some fun, I’d be willing to try.

PTM: That's hot. Do you find me attractive?



Mrs. Claus: Actually, with that little toast head, you look scrumptious and good enough to eat!

PTM: That definitely gave me some insight on your relationship. I'm curious to find out if Santa will answer the same way. You can head back to the waiting room now, Mrs. Claus. I hear the Elves are getting restless. Send Santa in please. 


PTM: Santa, how long have you and Mrs. Claus been married?

Santa: Three or five–hiccup—longer than I’ve been gettin’ sloshed on Jameson. Tosses empty whisky bottle at Frosty, who ducks. It hits Mrs. Claus’ tuchas as she’s, uh, tending to the elves.

PTM: Where did Frosty come from? I didn't even see him come in. What is the biggest problem in your relationship?

Santa: That right there. Points at her. She spends gobs of time with the elves. And when I wanna light her tree, she’s all ‘Not now, I’m too elfin tired.’ Man’s got needs!

PTM: You should talk to Gary in shipping. What is your favorite thing about Mrs. Claus?

Santa:  She puts on these fuchsia nip tassels and gets all snazzy vajazzled. That’s when I got yer North Pole right here, ya know? Santa points at his growin’ groin.

PTM: That is an impressive pole you got there. How would you describe your sex life?

Santa: It’s like a bipolar bear. Mostly frigid. But when it happens, which is twice a year (International Hot Dog Day and Yom Kippur), it’s like a flea market gorge fest. Belch.

PTM: Too bad she can only fit one wiener in her mouth on International Hot Dog Day. If you were allowed to cheat on your wife with one person, who would that be?

Santa She’s a little thick and tacky, but I’d take Robyn for a spin any time of year. I hear they’re real too. Santa nudges PTM with his elbow.

PTM: You must mean Rawkn Robyn from Life By Chocolate. Nice choice and I knew they were real!! What pet peeve of yours that Mrs. Claus does drives you the most crazy?

Santa: She measures me when I get out of the shower then busts out laughing, that *bleep*!

PTM: Next time you have to bring him to attention before you get out. Why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children.

Santa: Look at her! I don’t want no STDs. I use protection. Same ribbed condom’s been working for centuries. Guess I’m lucky that way.

PTM: Mrs. Claus has a different story but I'll believe you. What is a secret that the Mrs. doesn't know?

Santa: She has no idea how much Rudolph and I love to go riding. Got a cigarette?

PTM: I can see that happening. Reindeer are kinda sexy. Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White?

Santa: If she’ll pole dance in the raw with fuchsia nip tassels, sure.

PTM: I will give her people a call after the show and ask. Do you find me attractive?

Santa: I’ve noticed your nice, tight tuchas. I’d like to *bleep* *bleep* *bleeeeeeep* you.

PTM: Santa you are a dirty Sonuvabitch. I love it!! Now go grab your wife so I can talk to you both.

A knockoff version of Jeopardy theme song plays

PTM: You both gave some interesting answers to my questions. For the sake of privacy and that oath I took, I am not going to reveal what each of you said. I hope you both understand.

Santa: Oh no! Not another pregnancy scare?

Mrs. Claus: You’re such a sweet toast boy – I knew we could trust you.

PTM: Santa lay off the drugs. Mrs. Claus thank you for that. Now that we are in a safe space, is there anything you want to say to each other?

 Santa: I just wish you'd wear those fuchsia nip tassels once more for me.

Mrs. Claus: Two days a year? Have you ever asked me on Easter? May Day? I’ll show you some pole dancing…

PTM: I can understand how you both feel. Nipple tassels are the shit. What is one thing you wish the other would do more of?

Santa: Wear the fuchsia nip tassels for me!

Mrs. Claus: Bring me more gifts. The kids get everything. Even if he just wrapped that hot dog of his in a bow, I’d take it.

PTM: Very sexual answers, we are definitely getting somewhere. What is your biggest fear?

Santa: When I can no longer go South

Mrs. Claus: One day I’ll measure him and won’t find anything there…

PTM: Penis, penis, penis. Vagina, vagina, vagina. We have time for one more question. Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

Santa: Can you see my pole through this sack? Santa grabs his crotch.

Mrs. Claus: You must be chilly! I can’t see anything in your pants, either.

PTM: Awesome. After listening to you both I have come up with a solution for your relationship. Both of you need to wear fuchsia nipple tassels. That will fix everything. Now I called Betty White's people before you both came back. She is down for the threesome but she wants to make it a foursome. Apparently she loves toast, if you know what I mean.

Santa: Now we're talkin'! It's gonna be a White Christmas even before Yom Kippur!

Mrs. Claus: Break out the butter!: 



PTM: We are meeting her in 20 minutes, let's go!!

I would like to thank two of my blogger buddies that I've known for 10 years, but have never met in person, Alex J. Cavanaugh and Robyn Engel (aka Rawkn Robyn) for playing the parts of Santa and Mrs. Claus. Alex played Mrs. Claus and Robyn played an extra perverted Santa. 

If you don't know either of these awesome people than shame on you. 





Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Pop Culture Questions



I am finally going to answer those Pop culture questions that have plagued us for years. The questions stem from a song, movie, tv show, cartoon, board game, children's book or commercial.

Who let the dogs out? Probably your mom

What does the fox say? The same things as the kangaroo, armadillo, porcupine and electric eel.

Do you know the Muffin Man? Let me think. I know the Cupcake Boy, Donut Lady, Bagel Guy and Crumb Cake Twins. Nope no Muffin Man,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I need more info to answer this question. Is there a time limit? Is all the wood the same size? Does he/she get a break? Is the woodchuck actually throwing the wood or does chuck mean chew on?

Whooooooo, who are you? I'm a person tired of this question. You never remember my name and I'm not answering it anymore.

Oooh that smell, can't you smell that smell? It's me, I farted.

Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Yes, they don't know where the G-spot is.

Where's Waldo? He is tired of being found. He is at City Hall changing his name to Miguel.

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? She was kidnapped and murdered by Pirates. 

Got Milk? No I don't, thanks for reminding me. Oh, I need eggs too.

Where's the beef? I'm guessing wherever you left it.

Why did the chicken cross the road? It is none of my business.

Do you believe in magic? My wife still has sex with me, so yes.

What would you do for a Klondike bar? Watch two girls, one cup.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? I gave up. I figured out it was easier just to eat a tootsie roll.

It's 10 O'clock, do you know where your kids are? Why are you so curious???

Would you eat green eggs and ham? What kind of ham? Honey? Cold cut? Fresh ham? Is there ham juice?

Where have all the cowboys gone? If you live in a state that is not Texas, they went to Texas.

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Neither, the Rooster came first, inside the chicken to make the egg.

Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? I have no idea but he keeps leaving the stove on.

Are you ready to rumble? No but I am ready to get Jiggy with it.

Monday, September 9, 2019

Dad Jokes



It's Monday so here are some corny jokes to get you through the day.



Q: Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

A: Because he was outstanding in his field.




Q: What does an educated owl say?

A: Whom.



Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: Cuz if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

Thursday, September 5, 2019

Chewbacca's Bandolier: Hidden Treasure


Recently I interviewed Chewbacca and got down to the nitty gritty. My question that always tumbled around in my head is what is in his bandolier? He told me it was for his Pez stash but I didn't believe it for a second. While he was taking a shower in the dressing room I opened up the bandolier to see what was inside. This is what I found:

Expired condoms, size extra wide

13 passion fruit lip balms

About 50 bobby pins

Playing cards

Dominoes

Miniature Magic Eight Ball

Sewing kit with only yellow thread

Matchstick boxes filled with white rice

A  mouse skeleton

A recipe for sweet & sour meatballs

Tampons, size medium 

3 Game Gear cartridges, Sonic the Hedgehog, Madden '95 and Mortal Kombat

Travel size floss, tooth paste, shampoo and conditioner

Chinese finger traps

Blue jellybeans

Bird seed

Richard Nixon Pez dispenser

Werther's Originals

Polaroid picture of Han Solo dressed as Batman

Tweezers

All the player pieces to Monopoly

Live frog

Stick on tattoos

Keys to a 1987 Toyota Camry

Soy sauce packets from different Chinese food restaurants

His baby teeth

Friday, August 30, 2019

The Muppets Dark Secrets Revealed


Ever wonder if The Muppets had any deep, dark secrets? Well they do and I got each of them to spill the beans. I had to bribe each of them except for Fozzie Bear, he just told me without me asking him anything.

Kermit the Frog: Once ate frog legs thinking they were chicken and went back for seconds.

Miss Piggy: Has had three abortions.

Fozzie Bear: Buys his stand-up jokes online.

Gonzo: Has maxed out all his credit cards playing online poker.

Rowlf the Dog: Has had love affairs with five different cats.

Rizzo the Rat: Ate two of his siblings when he was only a few months old.

Scooter: Had sex with a male prostitute.

Statler & Waldorg: Watch the movie Clueless every night before bed.

The Swedish Chef: Is not Swedish at all. Mostly German, Scottish and Portuguese.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Has cloned Beaker.

Beaker: Is the clone and murdered the original Beaker.

Janice: Has been sprinkling speed onto Animal's cereal for 20 years.

Animal: Has written and published ten children's book anonymously.

Sam the Eagle: Was involved in a hit & run. Doesn't know if the man is alive.

Pepe the King Prawn: Is addicted to stealing spoons from restaurants.

Bobo the Bear: Voted for Trump.

Camila the Chicken: Has always felt she was born a turkey in a chicken's body.




Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Without using the letter 'E' - Revisited



Disclaimer: I attempted to write this post back in 2010. I thought I didn't use any E's but alas a fellow blogger found 3 of them. I tinkered around with it again and believe the rest of this post does not contain the letter E. I had to use a thesaurus to find other words. The post is a bit odd and you may find it difficult to make sense of it, that is okay. Maybe read it over twice to make sure there are no E's. A few things have changed since the original post. I have a son now but his name is Ryan. I do own blu-ray players and movies.My wife also got me Darkwing Duck DVD's for Christmas one year. This will all make sense soon. Without further ado....

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I thought about writing this post on many occasions. It is difficult to brainstorm an original thought without applying that unambiguous symbol. Try it right now, think of any formation of words without that symbol. Hard, right? Now, think how hard it would occur to construct a thorough and continuous post without that symbol. I was having author's block during my brainstorming about this post. It should contain humor, random thoughts, originality, thought provoking topic, a post to talk about at an H20 apparatus and damn right phantasmagorical. I am thinking about what to concoct as I push all sorts of symbols on this plastic pad of random marks and symbols.

How about a quick nostalgic analysis?

DARKWING DUCK

I had a fancy for Darkwing Duck . That cartoon IS kick-ass. It's first affair was back in that 9th month of 1991. It ran for four minus uno occasions, from '91 to '93. Go on you know you want to sing that Darkwing song. Put your arm up high if you would want Launchpad McQuack as your trusty crony. I spot with my orbitals that most of you do. I am going to call my first son Lauchpad. What a fantastic monogram. My son would automatically turn into a pilot with that tag. I want a job as Darkwing Duck. That duck has loads of fun. I wish to own DVD's of that cartoon. My b-day is July 14th if anybody is blurry on what to buy P-Toast Man. I am not on a blu-ray wagon up to now, so only mail DVD's to my location. Who was Darkwing Duck? Did Darkwing hold similar blood with a distinct duck family? McDucks? How did Lauchpad go from that particular duck show, DuckSagas (wink wink) to Darkwing Duck? Did Launchpad attain a boot out? I fancy solutions and justification!! I miss old cartoons. Nowadays' cartoons do not stack up to particular toons of my youth. Cartoons kind of suck now. Mr. MoistPadBob StraightRhombusPants has an omission from said dumb cartoons of nowadays.

Okay that is all I got for this post. It was difficult and took a long duration. But it was fun. I might try it again. If you find any of that symbol I could not apply, point it out to muah. I await your input.

What you long to catch with your audio organs...



Monday, August 26, 2019

Street Fighter II: Meeting with Human Resources



Ken from the Street Fighter II video game gets called down to Human Resources for a meeting. Here is how that meeting went.

Image result for ken from street fighter

 Human Resources Supervisor Glenn: Ken, thank you for meeting with me today. I will get straight to the point. We have had several complaints about you. E. Honda claims you have been clogging up his toilet. Guile said you keep prank calling him. Blanka said something but I can never understand what that dude is saying. I'm here to see if  all these allegations are true. I decided to review your file. I found out that you possess the same abilities as Ryu. He has the Hadoken, Shoryuken and Hurricane Kick and so do you. Are you just copying all of his moves?

Ken: Well, yeah, he said it was okay.

Glenn: Oh, well then that clears up everything.

Ken: Phew! Can I go then?

Glenn: Not just yet. Let me just call Ryu to confirm what you said. Picks up the phone. Hello, Ryu. It is Glenn from HR. I just have one question for you. Did you say it was okay for Ken to copy all of your moves? Oh, I see. Is that right? Very interesting. Thank you for your help. Enjoy your lunch. Well, Ken, according to Ryu he didn't give you any such permission. He said he has asked you repeatedly to stop stealing his moves. Anything you care to say?

Ken: Ryu is a fucking liar! He just knows I can perform those moves better than him.  Who are you going to believe?

Glenn: Please resist the use of profanity when you are in my office. Ryu has been with us for years and we have never had any issues. You joined us only two months ago and already there are several issues. That call to Ryu was just a formality. I already knew the answer, I just wanted to see your reaction. I did some digging on you. I found out that no one actually hired you. How did you get to be on the Street Fighter team?

Ken: What are you talking about? Steve hired me.

Glenn: We do not have any one named Steve that works here.

Ken: Did I say Steve, I meant Sal.

Glenn: Ummm, who?

Ken: Sally, it was Sally.

Glenn: Is this a joke? I'm not amused.

Ken: Just stares blankly with mouth agape.

Glenn: Well, explain yourself!!

Ken: Starts to cry. I'm a fraud. I don't belong here. I have been hiding from my girlfriend Barbie. She's crazy. I only meant to stay for a couple of days but it is so cool here. Starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Glenn: Hold it together man. Show some dignity.

Ken: Sorry, sorry,  I'm so ashamed of myself.

Glenn: So why are you hiding from your girlfriend?

Ken: I slept with her sister Skipper.

Glenn: That is fucked up. Was she at least hot?

Ken: Ohh yeah. But she is crazy too. I can't go back. Can I stay? Pleeeeeease?

Glenn: Fine, just stop crying. You are embarrassing yourself. You can stay but you have to come up with your own moves and you have to apologize to E. Honda, Guile, Blanka and especially Ryu. You better get on your hand and knees for that one.

Ken: Thank you, thank you. You won't regret it.

Glenn. I am already regretting it. Do you have anything else to add before you leave?

Ken: Yeah, what is Chun- Li's story?

Friday, August 23, 2019

Thoughts of Michael Myers


Halloween is almost around the corner. so I thought I would have a pre-holiday post. I wrote this post up last year but never published it. If you don't know who Michael Myers is then you should rent any of the Halloween films and come back ASAP. Here are the Thoughts of Michael Myers while hiding in a closet waiting to kill someone.

  • I shouldn't have eaten two bean burritos for lunch.


  • 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion....'

  • Where the fuck is this bitch? I've been in here for 20 minutes.

  • Was it Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman in Twister?

  • I think I forgot to brush my teeth this morning.

  • I should have peed before I came in here.

  • I don't care what everybody is saying, I think Trump is doing the best he can.

  • Freddy vs. Jason, that was bullshit, my agent sucks.

  • Shit, I left my knife in the bathroom.

  • I should really kill the Kardashians now, it's time.

  • The license plate that I saw read 'VMAQ2PLB.' Now what does that mean?

  • Is the McRib out now? I finally need to try one of those things.

  • Do I need milk? Dammit, I always forget to check.