Wednesday, June 19, 2019

It's a girl!!!



I normally don't post about my personal life except when it matters. A new edition to the Powdered Toast Man family was born on Friday, June 14th. Emma Lynn is my 2nd daughter and 3rd child.




This is all 3 of my kids, Olivia, Ryan and Emma. 



Don't worry, I will still be around. Just need a little family time right now. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Crayon colors that didn't make the cut


Crayon colors not approved

Shade - Color Name - The Brains

Red  -  Murder - Submitted by 2Pac Shakur

Green  -  Wet Booger - Submitted by Oscar the Grouch

Blue  -  Frostbitten Toe - Submitted by your  Great Grandpa

Orange -  Orange Drank - Submitted by The Koolaid Man

Purple  -  Domestic Abuse - Submitted by Chris Brown

Yellow  -  Hot Urine - Submitted by R. Kelly

White  -  White Privilege -Submitted by Donald Trump

Black  -  Bubonic Plague - Submitted by Anonymous


Sunday, June 9, 2019

Awesome words


Once in awhile I will come across a word that I never use in my every day life. Here are some awesome words that we should try to fit into our everyday conversations.

Diabolical - Only seems to describe an evil villain in a cheesy movie or cartoon.

Vanquished - Something Batman might say in the old tv show.

Abominable - I only know the Snowman. I had to look up the definition because I never knew what it meant.

Shan't - It is a contraction of shall and not. People look at me weird when I try to slip it into a sentence.

Phantasmagorical - Something a extremely gay man might use to describe a Broadway play.

Swum - I have looked it up but still don't know when to properly use it.

Juxtaposition - Amazing word to use in scrabble.

Cuckold - Sounds dirty.

Hornswoggle - You don't want to know what I'm thinking.

Rapscallion - I always think of pirates.

Scalawag - Again, pirates.

Livery - I always see it on the license plate of a taxicab. I never know how to pronounce it.


Can you think of any words that tickle your fancy?




Sunday, June 2, 2019

Some random thoughts


How come at the movie theater before the movie starts they go through that spiel about locating the nearest exits and say something if you see something suspicious? They don't do this in other places like at a restaurant or grocery store? Are people that dumb that they wouldn't know where the exit is unless someone reminded them?

I was watching The Fifth Element recently and there are flying cars in the film. How would traffic lanes work with flying cars? In the movie they were just flying everywhere. Seems a bit dangerous.

Why do we say 'take a poop?' We are leaving it, not taking it. And we always say "I am going to the bathroom, even if we take a piss in the woods. There is no bathroom there.

Why is it appropriate to wear a bikini at the beach but not wear your bra and panties to the grocery store? Same look just different location.

Having a donut or muffin is acceptable for breakfast but If I ate cake it would be weird. They are essentially the same things. And a muffin is just a naked cupcake.

Is it gray or grey? I never know I never use the same one all the time.

Isn't it about time we got rid of pennies? Do you know the Government spends millions of dollars to make pennies? It cost more to make them then they are worth!!

Who coined the phrase blow job? Wouldn't suck job be more accurate?

No matter what time of day I am driving on the road there are way too many drivers out. Doesn't anybody have a job anymore? Where the fuck is everyone going all the time? Stay home!!

Have you noticed there are way too many dumb, annoying entitled people in the world? Nobody wants to do anything for themselves and expects things to be done for them.

What is the past tense of freezing rain?

Movie credits are ridiculously long. Do we really need to know everyone that worked on the movie? I don't care who the 2nd assistant to the head chef was.

Do ants drown when it rains? How do they keep their ant hills from flooding?

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Behind the scenes at Abe Lincoln's house


What if Abe Lincoln and his wife Mary Todd had a fight before they went to Ford's Theater? This is how I imagined it would have went a few hours before...

Abe: We are not going to that stupid play!

Mary Todd: Oh yes we are!

Abe: I'm the President.

Mary Todd: I don't give a rat's ass who you are, you promised a few weeks ago that we could go.

Abe: I was banking on you not remembering. I would much rather alphabetize my stamp collection.

Mary Todd: I am a woman, I remember things that aren't important to you. Besides John and Nancy saw it last week and they said Jesus and his technicolor dreamcoat is amazing.

Abe: John would say that, he's fancy boy.

Mary Todd: What do you mean by that?

Abe: You know, he drives his carriage on the other side of the road. He butters his bread with the other hand. He sits when he pees. 

Mary Todd: You are not making any sense to me.

Abe: Do I need to spell it out?!? He's gay!

Mary Todd: You don't know what you are talking about. You know what's gay? That stovepipe hat you wear all the time.

Abe: Everybody loves this hat!!

Mary Todd: Yeah, especially dudes that suck dick!

Abe: Mary Todd!! Such language, where did you learn to speak that way?

Mary Todd: Your mom.

Abe: Don't be talkin' about my momma!

Mary Todd: You are going to the play if I have to drag you there. Martha and Tom are meeting us there. We can't stand them up again.

Abe: I don't even like Tom. He always smells like cherry cough drops.

Mary Todd: Oh quit your fucking whining. I can't take you anywhere without you whining. You think you would grow some balls after becoming President. 

Abe: I don't know what has gotten in to you tonight but I don't like it. 

Mary Todd: Well, just stop being a bitch.

Abe: I am not being a bitch. I'm just tired and I have diarrhea. 

Mary Todd: Take and quick nap and drink some Imodium. 

Abe: I guess that might help. Do you really think my hat is gay?

Mary Todd: Most people do, they are just being nice because you are President of the United States. 

Abe: Who specifically said it was gay?

Mary Todd: Most of the women in my quilting circle, George at the bakery, Seamus at the farm supply store and old man Wilson that sits outside the Church all the time.

Abe: Old man Wilson, really? The other day he said it made me look quite dignified. 

Mary Todd: He lied. Maybe it is time to find a new hat. Enough talk about your hat. Go take a quick nap and I will wake you up for dinner. Then we are going to the play. 

Abe: I would rather put a gun to my head than go see that play. 

Mary Todd: I can make it happen, don't test me. 

Abe: Bullshit. 

Mary Todd: Mmmhmmm

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Real or fake bacon news


Have you noticed that bacon is taking over everything nowadays? You can pretty much get any food with bacon and most things come bacon scented. What will they think of next? See if you can figure out which of these items are real things or something I just made up to amuse myself.

Bacon scented candles

Bacon flavored lipstick

Bacon lollipops

Bacon scented toilet paper

Beer infused with bacon

Chocolate covered bacon

American cheese slices with bacon

Bacon cereal

Bacon scented deodorant

Bacon flavored water

Meatless bacon

Bacon scented condoms

Bacon toothpaste

Yogurt with bacon

Taco Bell bacon flavored tacos (The taco shell is bacon flavored)

Bacon flavored coffee

Bras with essence of bacon

Bacon air freshener

Bacon scented hand lotion

Bacon scented baby wipes

What would you try?


Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Weird Laws: Part 18



If you find this post amusing and tickling your funny bone, there are seventeen others similar to this one in the 'Weird Laws' page tab under the header. (psst, next to the 'Home' button above)

Texas

It is illegal to sell one's eye. What if I trade for it, like an eye for a nose?

Utah

It is illegal NOT to drink milk. Vegans are not welcome here.

Vermont

Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. It is good to be a lesbian in Vermont. 

Virginia

Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. So on Christmas or Martin Luther King Jr day it is perfectly acceptable?

Washington

The harassing of Bigfoot, Sasquatch or other undiscovered subspecies is a felony punishable by a fine and/or imprisonment. That is bullshit. Those Squatches are always giving me purple nurples and atomic wedgies. 

West Virginia

Whistling underwater is prohibited. It upsets SpongeBob and Squidward. 

Wisconsin

It is illegal to serve butter substitute in prison. Only butter makes a good lube. 

Wyoming

You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit. The Easter Bunny and his family would like you to respect their privacy. 

Thursday, May 2, 2019

Thoughts of the husband while the wife is in labor


"I am glad I am not a woman"

"She can do this but anal sex is too painful?"

"Is this here poop face?"

"Did I remember to lock the front door?"

"It has been awhile since I've had some Taco Bell"

"Is it wrong that I'm super horny right now?"

"This thing is gonna be such a cock block"

"Is this nurse giving me the 'fuck me' eyes right now?"

"I am so glad she is not giving birth on 9/11"

"It look like her vagina is blowing a bubble"

"Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy and....?"

"I should write a blog post about this experience"

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Household Items: Original uses


You have probably read somewhere that the original use for Silly Putty was as a wallpaper remover and that plastic was invented by accident. Well here are some everyday items that were made for a different reason than how we use them today.

Everyday Item   -  Original usage

Jump Rope - Heavy duty floss for Michael Strahan

Kitchen Spatula - Tennis racket

Red Bull - Alternative NASCAR fuel

Toilet Plunger - CPR Tool

Cotton Swab - Constipation Tool

Mayonnaise - Foot scrub

George Foreman Grill - Efficient grill 

Blender - White noise machine

Socks - Ejaculatory receptacles 

Butter - Edible sex lubricant

Crayons - Makeup for kids

Turkey Baster - Eye dropper for Andre the Giant and Shaq

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Some Random Thoughts


Why do we still find ourselves saying 'videotape' instead of record or DVR?

How is space endless? And how do the planets just float in space?

What is the point of a fly that only lives for one day?

How come it is NYPD and FDNY? Why not NYFD?

How do we get glass from sand? And how it a solid object see through?

Why do The Home Depot and Kohl's have like 50 handicapped parking spaces?

Does a person with only one foot have to buy both shoes?

How do you really know when sour cream goes bad?

If I have sex with my clone does that make me gay?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?


Thursday, April 18, 2019

Interview with the Easter Bunny



I recently took my kids to see the Easter Bunny. After the pictures were taken I swooped in and asked Mr. Bunny if he would be willing to sit down for an interview. He said to call his agent to check his schedule. I called his agent. He was booked solid for a month.

 Luckily, the Mall he was scheduled to be at was evacuated because someone pulled the fire alarm. Also someone let thousands of bees loose. Don't know who did it but I thank them.Here he is for a quick chat.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man): Thanks for sitting down with me for a quick chat. I know you are super busy. So what do you prefer, Easter Bunny, Mr. Bunny or E.B.?

Easter Bunny: Actually it's just a stage name. You can call me Ralph.

PTM: Sure thing Ralph. You can call me PTM. I know you don't have a lot of time so let's get right down to it. What is your favorite sexual position?

Easter Bunny: Whoa! Coming at me right out of the gate. I like your spunk. The answer is Reverse Cowgirl. My 2nd favorite is the Tijuana Surprise.

PTM: I don't mess around. Just ask Cupid. I've always wanted to try Reverse Cowgirl but I have never heard of the Tijuana Surprise. 

Easter Bunny: Really?? I pegged you for a kinky SOB. I don't have time to explain all the details but it involves 6 pairs of rubber gloves, lime juice, snorkels and a very sturdy unicycle. 

PTM: We must talk more about that when you have the time. I am always up for something new. I am sure you get this question a lot but do you hang out with any of the other Holiday Mascots?

Easter Bunny: Well first off we don't like to be called mascots. We prefer the term Holiday Sponsors. Santa used to be fun but he is old and bitter now since Mrs. Claus doesn't touch his dick anymore. Cupid is a lonely alcoholic and only wants to watch British Documentaries on Netflix. The Leprechaun and I don't speak anymore since he slept with my mom 5 years ago. The only one I still talk to is the Tooth Fairy. We went to High School together. We go paint balling every other weekend. He's super weird but a lot of fun.

PTM: I interviewed Cupid like 6 years ago. I could see that he would become an alcoholic. Such a sad and depressed dude. I used to play a lot of paint ball when I was younger. I would love to join you guys for a game sometime. 

Easter Bunny: I have to run it by the Tooth Fairy first. He is very particular on who he plays with. One time I ran into one of the Keebler Elves while grocery shopping and I invited him to play with us. That was a disaster.

PTM: Which Keebler Elf?

Easter Bunny: I want to say his name was Guillermo but don't quote me on that. 

PTM: You sure he was a Keebler Elf? I don't remember a Guillermo.

Easter Bunny: Or maybe it was one of those dudes from Rice Krispies. Ya know, Snatch, Krinkle and Plop.

PTM: Umm, ok then. I would love to find out who else you think you know but we are out of time.

Easter Bunny: I did a lot of drugs in high school, and college and in my 30's.

PTM: I bet you did. That would explain a lot. Thanks for doing this Ralph. I hope those bees I let loose didn't kill anyone.

Easter Bunny: I knew it!!!!


If you would like to read the interview with Cupid, click here.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

A short story behind 'Just the Cheese'


Come August, this blog is celebrating 10 years of being on the Internet. I want to share how this blog came to be and why it is called 'Just the Cheese.'

Originally my blog was going to be mostly movie reviews. I was going to put a spin on them and make them humorous. That is why the URL name is reviewsyoucantuse.blogspot.com. I shortly discovered that only writing movie reviews would be difficult and time consuming. I would also have to watch movies in genres that don't appeal to me.

One of my first posts was a review about the movie Funny People. I enjoyed writing it but it took so much effort. I am all about working smart but not hard. Somehow my blog turned into random humor and silly nonsense.

The original title of my blog was 'Oh, Fiddlesticks!' I liked that name but something was missing.

I quickly changed it to 'Just the Cheese.' I am sure some of you that came here thought this blog was about cheese or food. It is named after a comedy bit done by Dane Cook. He talks about going to the movies and getting just the cheese, no nachos. You can watch a quick 3 minute clip here.

That Dane Cook bit has always been a joke between my wife and I, it just made sense to use it as part of my blog.

And if you are a fan of Ren & Stimpy then you know why I am Powdered Toast Man. If you have no idea, well I am going to leave that a mystery and you will have to find out on your own.

Here is to another 10 years of random nonsense!!


Monday, April 15, 2019

What's up?


The Universe is telling me I should start blogging again.

What to do..............??