Monday, August 19, 2019

Disney Princess Jobs


Have you ever wondered what a princess would do if they had to get a real job? Now you don't have to think. I figured out which job each Disney Princess would have if she couldn't be a princess anymore.

I did Google Disney Princesses because I couldn't remember them all. A few sites claim that there are 14. I know that Mulan isn't technically a princess but just go with me here.

Ariel (The Little Mermaid) - Aquarium Tour Guide and moonlights as a Stripper. Her costume is mermaid themed. Who wouldn't love to see an authentic clam shell bra?

Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) - Zookeeper. For her love of animals.

Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs) - Aide at an old folk's home. She has already worked and lived with a bunch of old men.

Cinderella (Cinderella)- I know you are probably thinking maid but I am going with Fashion Designer. She designs the clothes and her animal labor makes them.

Rapunzel (Rapunzel) - She would make a great Interior Decorator. How many times do you think she rearranged her room being locked in that tower for so long?

Jasmine (Aladdin) - Lion Tamer at the circus. I know she had a pet tiger but I figure a big cat is a big car.

Mulan (Mulan) - Some will argue that she is not a princess but when I Googled Disney princesses her name came up. She would be a fantastic Secret Agent.

Moana (Moana) - Cruise Ship Captain. Maybe she would start off as Activities Director and work her way up.

Belle (Beauty and the Beast)- Librarian. She loves books, not much else needs to be said.

Pocohontas (Pocohontas) - Campground Manager. She is very outdoorsy.

Tiana (Princes and the Frog) - Restaurant owner. She wanted to own a restaurant. Now she can.

Merida (Brave)- Owner of a chain of shooting ranges specializing in archery.

Elsa (Frozen)- Ice Sculptress  for weddings or Zamboni Driver

Anna (Frozen)- Elsa's Booking Agent.



Friday, August 16, 2019

Presidential High School Nicknames


George Washington - "Boy George"

Abraham Lincoln - "Tall Drink of Water"

John F. Kennedy - "All brains"

Richard Nixon - "Just Dick"

Bill Clinton - "The beaver snatcher"

Barack Obama - "Black and white cookie"

Gerald Ford - "Hey you"

Thomas Jefferson - "T-Dog"

George W. Bush - "Snooki"

Ronald Reagan - "The next Pauly Shore"

Wednesday, August 14, 2019

Failed state slogans



New Jersey

Current:
The Garden State. Yeah Gardens are what people think of when they drive through Jersey.

Failed:
Do you smell that?
We apologize for The Jersey Shore.
Now with less medical waste at the beach!

Montana

Current:
Big Sky Country. How can the sky be bigger?

Failed:
Every house comes with a free 27 acres of land.
I bet you forgot we were a state.
We have one Walmart and it's a 3 hour drive from everywhere.

Florida

Current:
The Sunshine State. I have been to plenty of other states that had sunshine.

Failed:
Bring us your old people.
The penis of the USA.
Disney World is overrated but you're gonna come anyway.

Alabama

Current:
Sweet Home Alabama. Heart of Dixie. You are not allowed to have more than one slogan!

Failed:
No, Deliverance was not filmed here.
Come to Alabama, we will show you our Dixie.
More cousin weddings than Arkansas and Kentucky combined!

Maryland

Current:
More than you can imagine. You reeeaallly don't want to know what I can imagine.

Failed:
Not Merry-Land, Mar-eh-land
Home of the .....?
We are pretty tight with Delaware.



Monday, August 12, 2019

Interview with E.T.


I finally did it. I killed James Lipton. Inside the Actor's Studio is now my show. Don't bother trying to find his body. I gave it to Hannibal Lecter to dispose of it properly. Now that I got that announcement out of the way, we can move on to the show.

Today our special guest is E.T. You might know him from his role in the 1980's hit movie, E.T. The Extra Terrestrial He can also be seen hanging out with Drew Barrymore a lot. Occasionally you may see him with Corey Feldman. Let's get on with the interview.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man) - Thank you E.T. for coming on the show today. I am glad you could fit us into your busy schedule.
E.T. - Yeah, it's tight, but that's how I like it.
PTM - I can see where this interview is headed already. How much of the Stephen Spielberg movie is based on true events?
E.T. - What movie?
PTM - I am not prepared to open that can of worms. I will have to have a one on one with Drew later. So, what is Drew Barrymore really like?
E.T. - She's all grown up now, hot as ever. Between us guys, though, she's dumb as my doorknob and twice as loose.
PTM - Are you referring to an actual doorknob or your penis? And I thought you liked it tight? Never mind, I don't want to know. Which Golden Girls character is your favorite and why?
E.T. - Estelle Getty because of the tightness factor.
PTM - I guess that answers my previous question. Betty White is my gal, bigger rack. Where do you shop to find clothes that fit?
E.T. - Pee Wee Plus Sizes for the Short and Thick
PTM -  Must be an online only store, I have never heard of it. Are you dating anyone right now?
E.T. - Yeah, Drew and I are still dating. It's an open relationship. Punky Brewster's a side dish, along with all of the Bachelorette rejects. 
PTM - I call her Soleil Moon Frye. The restraining order states I can't call her Punky Brewster anymore. I heard a rumor that you haven't spoken to Elliot in 5 years. What happened?
E.T. -  He didn't invite me to his Bar Mitzvah, and that really hurt. But he eventually apologized, gave me a phone and lots of rides. *Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.*
PTM - You are one horny little alien. I would love to harness your sex drive. You were recently with Drew being interviewed by Rawkn Robyn on Life by Chocolate. I have always had a big crush on her. Since you were close enough to see, I have to ask. Are they real?
E.T. -  I once got my finger stuck in them for hours. She loved it. Yes. They're real, and they're spectacular!
PTM - I hope you get an endorsement check for that Seinfeld reference. For once and for all, what does E.T. actually stand for?
E.T. - Emerging Testicles 
PTM - That raises a lot more questions that we really don't have time for right now. What is your biggest accomplishment?
E.T. -    Bea Arthur. She's 5'10".
PTM - That picture will be burned into my brain forever. Camera man #3 is your biggest fan. He wants to know if he can buy you a drink after the show?
E.T. -  No, Betty White hates it when I'm late - or premature. 
PTM - I hope you carry lube, she must be like a desert down there. Let's turn the tables for a minute. I am going to let you ask me a few questions. I haven't done this in awhile. I am a little gun shy after what happened with Dustin Diamond. You get 3 questions.
E.T. - Briefs, boxers, or commando and why?
PTM - None of the above. I have worn Speedos since I was nine.
E.T. - What's your favorite sexual position? 
PTM - It is a toss up between the German shepherd and lazy grasshopper.
E.T. - Do you have a recommendation for loose bowels? I'm asking for a friend.
PTM - Cut down on the anal sex. Twice a month is recommended. Ask Dr. Phil. 
E.T. - *Holds up two wet thumbs*
PTM - That is all the time we have plus E.T. soiled the chair cushion twice. I knew I should have put down newspaper. See ya next time. 
E.T. -  Dope! Catch ya on the flip side. 

I would like to thank Rawkn Robyn from Life by Chocolate for playing the part of E.T. I never knew E.T. was so perverted. Rawkn Robyn is an old blogger buddy. We have done a plethora of blog posts together. It has been awhile since we collaborated but it feels damn good to work together again. Click here to check her out. 

Friday, August 9, 2019

Prequels, sequels and remakes.... maybe?


My main hobby is watching movies. Love me a good flick especially late at night when the family is already in bed snoozing. I love looking up upcoming sequels to see what potential awesome or horrendous thing Hollywood has made. Here are some prequels, sequels and remakes that probably won't happen but if we wish hard enough maybe they will.

Back to the Future: Back to the Past - A Back to the Future prequel that portrays Doc Brown as a kid getting into all sorts of trouble with his wacky invention and experiments. Maybe an older version of himself visits him to give advice about the future.

Back to the Future: Part 4 - Set in 2030, Marty has a family of his own and his son travels back in time with Doc Brown to give advice to a younger and unwise Doc Brown. The question is which film comes out first, the prequel or sequel? Mind blown!

Titanic Remake - Rose dies this time. Jack finds a door to float on that only has room for one person. The rest of the movie is exactly the same.

The Return to Shawshank - A sequel to The Shawshank Redemption. Red (Morgan Freeman) finds Andy (Tim Robbins) after getting out. Turns him into the authorities and steals all the money he took from the warden. The lesson is you can never trust a criminal. Andy goes back to Shawshank. After 10 years he escapes again but is mauled and eaten by a bear.

Jaws: The Beginning - A prequel to the classic. It tells the story on how Quint (Robert Shaw's character) tortured Jaws and his family all the time for years. Since Robert Shaw died in 1978 they will have to find another actor to play Quint. I'm thinking Channing Tatum. The original movie Jaws is simply just revenge on Quint.

Zack and Miri Make Another Porno - Zack and Miri fall on hard times again. This time Kevin Smith comes out from behind the camera and gets in on the action. Let's just say in this one there is a lot of butter.

Doom Remake - The original movie was pretty terrible. I loved the video game as a kid. Back in the day on Super NES you couldn't save your progress, you had to beat the game without stopping. So in this movie it will just be some kid playing the Doom video game all the way through with only one life.

Wednesday, August 7, 2019

Phobias - Real or Crap?



You decided if these are real phobias or made up crap from the inner nether regions of my brain. 


  1. Fear of your shoelaces being untied 
  2. Fear of otters
  3. Fear of eating calamari because the suction cups on the tentacles might get stuck in your throat
  4. Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth
  5. Fear of phobias
  6. Fear of running into Carrot Top in real life
  7. Fear of tipping too much at a restaurant
  8. Fear of monsters biting your toes while you are sleeping
  9. Fear of a megalodon not being extinct
  10. Fear of opening your eyes
  11. Fear of somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you
  12. Fear of not having phone service
  13. Fear of the McRib never coming back
  14. Fear of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny having sex
  15. Fear of shadows
  16. Fear of getting an erection while going to the doctor
  17. Fear of getting bit by a Zombie
  18. Fear of running out of ketchup
  19. Fear of string
  20. Fear of wind
  21. Fear of having a baby with Snooki
  22. Fear of clowns
  23. Fear of horses dressed up as cows
  24. Fear of O.J. Simpson being innocent
  25. Fear of ghosts using your toothbrush

  1. Crap - I suffer from this on roller coasters and stuff.
  2.  Real - Lutraphobia
  3. Crap - my wife suffers from it.
  4. Real - Arachibutyrophobia
  5. True - Phobophobia
  6. Crap - That hair is very scary
  7. Crap - Before cell phones were invented when math was done in your head.
  8. Crap - We all had this as a kid and I still suffer from it.
  9. Crap - There is still one out there. Shark week wouldn't lie to me.
  10. Real - Optophobia
  11. Crap - I know it can see me.
  12. Real - Nomophobia
  13. Crap - Feels real.
  14. Crap - Just imagine it and be afraid.
  15. Real - Sciophobia
  16. Crap - Every guy's worst nightmare.
  17. Crap - May be real in the future.
  18. Crap - Always have a back-up!!!
  19. Real - Linonophobia
  20. Real - Ancraophobia
  21. Crap - I might need counseling.
  22. Real - Coulrophobia
  23. Crap - This one is my favorite.
  24. Crap - Controversial!!
  25. Crap - But ghosts don't have teeth, do they?


Monday, August 5, 2019

Claw Game Prizes

I am sure everybody has played the claw game at an arcade or pizza place or carnival or that guy's basement. The machine is usually meant for kids whose parents don't mind losing $40 for no prize. I recently built a miniature claw game from a kit that my daughter got for her birthday from Grandma. It is made of plastic and string. It took me hours to put together and I do not recommend getting one for yourself.

Any who,  this got me thinking about the prizes that are usually in these machines. Normally they are filled with stuffed animals or candy that you rarely win. I would fill the game with random weird prizes that you would win most of the time. Fun for the whole family.

Random Claw Game Prizes

Already chewed wad of gum

Anal beads

K-cup coffee pods

Brand new diaper

Naked Barbie

Very ripe banana

Single serve box of cereal

Slinky

Light bulb

Frozen meatloaf

Travel sized shampoo

Jar of pickles

Set of billiard balls

Dentures

Heads of stuffed animals

Live lobster

Edible underwear

Open box of condoms

Garden gnomes

Plate of mashed potatoes

Monday, July 8, 2019

Where are they now? - Six Flags Old Man


Once in a while there will be an exciting spokesperson or mascot for a company that we all fall in love with, then suddenly they disappear and we forget about them. 

I have done previously posts about The Dunkin' Donuts "Time to make the donuts" guy and Wendy's "where's the beef" lady. Today, I am going to discuss the whereabouts of Danny Teeson, the Six Flags Old Man.

If you don't know who I am talking about then watch the Youtube clip. Okay even if you know who I am talking about you can watch the clip.



We all loved the Old Man (Danny Teeson) when he first appeared in the Six Flags commercials. He sure had the right kind of spunk and that tune was annoyingly catchy. 

Have you ever wondered what happened to him? Or maybe you just didn't realize he was gone. I did some research and found out some interesting tidbits. He is not really an old man. He is 22 years old and suffers from HGPS (Hutchinson-Gilford Progeria Syndrome) which is the rare disease that ages your body very rapidly. He has the body of a 91 year old man now.

I was visiting my Gamma in her assisted living community and I spotted him across the room eating tapioca pudding. I knew I recognized him but couldn't put my finger on it. After chatting with my Gam Gam I found out that she was having an affair with him and told me all about his disease. Even though he looks 91, he has the sex drive of an 18 year old. My Gamma is such a slut. 

I tried talking to him but he has a body guard. I attempted to get his attention by playing the Six Flags commercial on my phone. That was a terrible idea. The body guard snatched my phone and smashed it against the wall. So I stabbed him. I have to appear in court in 3 months, I am facing criminal assault charges. Any one know a good lawyer?





Tuesday, June 25, 2019

Inside the Actor's Studio: Chewbacca



Once again I am commandeering Inside the Actor's Studio from James Lipton. I have a guest that has never been interviewed before today and somehow I have gotten him to agree to sit down with me. Here in the studio today is the beloved Wookie from the Star Wars Universe. Let's give a big round of applause for Chewbacca.


PTM (Powdered Toast Man): Thank you Chewy for joining us. I am so happy I can be the first person to interview you. I was informed by your agent before the show that you actually speak English and that you are contractually obligated to speak Shyriiwook in any Star Wars production. 

Chewbacca: I actually speak French, Spanish, German, and Italian in the movies, but with my thick Shyriiwook accent, it all comes out as gurgling growls.

PTM: That is a damn shame. I have so many questions for you I don't know where to start.

Chewbacca: How about you start a long time ago…

PTM: Did George Lucas put you up to that joke? Hey, how old are you?

Chewbacca: In dog years I’m five hundred and twenty.

PTM: You are still younger than my grandma. What is your last name?

Chewbacca: Smith. I come from a long line of Smithies.

PTM: My guess is you were adopted and they never told you. What is your favorite cereal?

Chewbacca: I don’t know. No matter what I eat, it’s so matted with Wookie hair I can’t tell.

PTM: Hold on, my producers are telling me that these are some lame ass questions and I need to get down to the nitty gritty. I was working my way up to it but what the hell. You spent a lot of time around Princess Leia, did you tap that ass?

Chewbacca: The Millennium Falcon furry and plushie parties can get really crazy, so it’s possible.

PTM: So do you go as yourself or do you dress up as a furry even though you are furry? Never mind, we don't have time for all the details. I've always thought Han was kind of a dick. How do you really feel about Han Solo?

Chewbacca: Solo’s great. Now that Harrison Ford guy – total a-hole.

PTM: Probably because his last name is Ford. By the way I love Chevrolet. What is Jar Jar Binks doing nowadays?

Chewbacca: Porn. He’s finally putting that long tongue to good use.

PTM: He?!?! I always thought Jar Jar was a chick! Now I don't feel weird about all those dreams I had. There was a rumor going around that you had a gang bang with some of the Ewoks. I heard it from C-3PO. Is that at all true?

Chewbacca: Have you watched any of the movies? Nothing on an Ewok actually moves.

PTM: So it is more like necrophilia. What do you keep in your bandolier?

Chewbacca: My Pez stash.

PTM: That is an awful lot of Pez. I would love to be in a Star Wars movie or tv series. I have written many letters and sent numerous emails to George Lucas with no response. Is there any way you could put in a good word for me? I'm not looking for a big part. Maybe just one line like, "It's a trap!"

Chewbacca: I don’t think so – Solo told me you were a dick.

PTM: You run over a man's cat one time and he never gets over it. How do the bathrooms work on those space ships? Does the poop just get sucked out into space? Are there just tons of turds floating around in space?

Chewbacca: Those aren’t asteroids, buddy!

PTM: That's some cold shit. Who do you think is hotter, Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls or Megan Fox in Transformers?

Chewbacca: I actually prefer Harry from Harry and the Hendersons.

PTM: Nice choice. He's an old friend, I will set that up for you. Hold on, I am getting word from my producers that your wife is going into labor!! Holy shit! You better get the hell out of here. 

Chewbacca: Just what I need – another Lumpy. That kid’s so disappointing…

PTM: Dammit, this chair is covered with hair. I better get it cleaned before I have Betty White on. She is extremely allergic to Wookie. 


I would like to thank Alex from Alex J Cavanaugh for playing the part of Chewbacca. You did a bang up job. We should do this again sometime. I will have my people call your people. 


Wednesday, June 19, 2019

It's a girl!!!



I normally don't post about my personal life except when it matters. A new edition to the Powdered Toast Man family was born on Friday, June 14th. Emma Lynn is my 2nd daughter and 3rd child.




This is all 3 of my kids, Olivia, Ryan and Emma. 



Don't worry, I will still be around. Just need a little family time right now. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2019

Crayon colors that didn't make the cut


Crayon colors not approved

Shade - Color Name - The Brains

Red  -  Murder - Submitted by 2Pac Shakur

Green  -  Wet Booger - Submitted by Oscar the Grouch

Blue  -  Frostbitten Toe - Submitted by your  Great Grandpa

Orange -  Orange Drank - Submitted by The Koolaid Man

Purple  -  Domestic Abuse - Submitted by Chris Brown

Yellow  -  Hot Urine - Submitted by R. Kelly

White  -  White Privilege -Submitted by Donald Trump

Black  -  Bubonic Plague - Submitted by Anonymous


Sunday, June 9, 2019

Awesome words


Once in awhile I will come across a word that I never use in my every day life. Here are some awesome words that we should try to fit into our everyday conversations.

Diabolical - Only seems to describe an evil villain in a cheesy movie or cartoon.

Vanquished - Something Batman might say in the old tv show.

Abominable - I only know the Snowman. I had to look up the definition because I never knew what it meant.

Shan't - It is a contraction of shall and not. People look at me weird when I try to slip it into a sentence.

Phantasmagorical - Something a extremely gay man might use to describe a Broadway play.

Swum - I have looked it up but still don't know when to properly use it.

Juxtaposition - Amazing word to use in scrabble.

Cuckold - Sounds dirty.

Hornswoggle - You don't want to know what I'm thinking.

Rapscallion - I always think of pirates.

Scalawag - Again, pirates.

Livery - I always see it on the license plate of a taxicab. I never know how to pronounce it.


Can you think of any words that tickle your fancy?




Sunday, June 2, 2019

Some random thoughts


How come at the movie theater before the movie starts they go through that spiel about locating the nearest exits and say something if you see something suspicious? They don't do this in other places like at a restaurant or grocery store? Are people that dumb that they wouldn't know where the exit is unless someone reminded them?

I was watching The Fifth Element recently and there are flying cars in the film. How would traffic lanes work with flying cars? In the movie they were just flying everywhere. Seems a bit dangerous.

Why do we say 'take a poop?' We are leaving it, not taking it. And we always say "I am going to the bathroom, even if we take a piss in the woods. There is no bathroom there.

Why is it appropriate to wear a bikini at the beach but not wear your bra and panties to the grocery store? Same look just different location.

Having a donut or muffin is acceptable for breakfast but If I ate cake it would be weird. They are essentially the same things. And a muffin is just a naked cupcake.

Is it gray or grey? I never know I never use the same one all the time.

Isn't it about time we got rid of pennies? Do you know the Government spends millions of dollars to make pennies? It cost more to make them then they are worth!!

Who coined the phrase blow job? Wouldn't suck job be more accurate?

No matter what time of day I am driving on the road there are way too many drivers out. Doesn't anybody have a job anymore? Where the fuck is everyone going all the time? Stay home!!

Have you noticed there are way too many dumb, annoying entitled people in the world? Nobody wants to do anything for themselves and expects things to be done for them.

What is the past tense of freezing rain?

Movie credits are ridiculously long. Do we really need to know everyone that worked on the movie? I don't care who the 2nd assistant to the head chef was.

Do ants drown when it rains? How do they keep their ant hills from flooding?

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

Behind the scenes at Abe Lincoln's house


What if Abe Lincoln and his wife Mary Todd had a fight before they went to Ford's Theater? This is how I imagined it would have went a few hours before...

Abe: We are not going to that stupid play!

Mary Todd: Oh yes we are!

Abe: I'm the President.

Mary Todd: I don't give a rat's ass who you are, you promised a few weeks ago that we could go.

Abe: I was banking on you not remembering. I would much rather alphabetize my stamp collection.

Mary Todd: I am a woman, I remember things that aren't important to you. Besides John and Nancy saw it last week and they said Jesus and his technicolor dreamcoat is amazing.

Abe: John would say that, he's fancy boy.

Mary Todd: What do you mean by that?

Abe: You know, he drives his carriage on the other side of the road. He butters his bread with the other hand. He sits when he pees. 

Mary Todd: You are not making any sense to me.

Abe: Do I need to spell it out?!? He's gay!

Mary Todd: You don't know what you are talking about. You know what's gay? That stovepipe hat you wear all the time.

Abe: Everybody loves this hat!!

Mary Todd: Yeah, especially dudes that suck dick!

Abe: Mary Todd!! Such language, where did you learn to speak that way?

Mary Todd: Your mom.

Abe: Don't be talkin' about my momma!

Mary Todd: You are going to the play if I have to drag you there. Martha and Tom are meeting us there. We can't stand them up again.

Abe: I don't even like Tom. He always smells like cherry cough drops.

Mary Todd: Oh quit your fucking whining. I can't take you anywhere without you whining. You think you would grow some balls after becoming President. 

Abe: I don't know what has gotten in to you tonight but I don't like it. 

Mary Todd: Well, just stop being a bitch.

Abe: I am not being a bitch. I'm just tired and I have diarrhea. 

Mary Todd: Take and quick nap and drink some Imodium. 

Abe: I guess that might help. Do you really think my hat is gay?

Mary Todd: Most people do, they are just being nice because you are President of the United States. 

Abe: Who specifically said it was gay?

Mary Todd: Most of the women in my quilting circle, George at the bakery, Seamus at the farm supply store and old man Wilson that sits outside the Church all the time.

Abe: Old man Wilson, really? The other day he said it made me look quite dignified. 

Mary Todd: He lied. Maybe it is time to find a new hat. Enough talk about your hat. Go take a quick nap and I will wake you up for dinner. Then we are going to the play. 

Abe: I would rather put a gun to my head than go see that play. 

Mary Todd: I can make it happen, don't test me. 

Abe: Bullshit. 

Mary Todd: Mmmhmmm

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Real or fake bacon news


Have you noticed that bacon is taking over everything nowadays? You can pretty much get any food with bacon and most things come bacon scented. What will they think of next? See if you can figure out which of these items are real things or something I just made up to amuse myself.

Bacon scented candles

Bacon flavored lipstick

Bacon lollipops

Bacon scented toilet paper

Beer infused with bacon

Chocolate covered bacon

American cheese slices with bacon

Bacon cereal

Bacon scented deodorant

Bacon flavored water

Meatless bacon

Bacon scented condoms

Bacon toothpaste

Yogurt with bacon

Taco Bell bacon flavored tacos (The taco shell is bacon flavored)

Bacon flavored coffee

Bras with essence of bacon

Bacon air freshener

Bacon scented hand lotion

Bacon scented baby wipes

What would you try?


Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Weird Laws: Part 18



If you find this post amusing and tickling your funny bone, there are seventeen others similar to this one in the 'Weird Laws' page tab under the header. (psst, next to the 'Home' button above)

Texas

It is illegal to sell one's eye. What if I trade for it, like an eye for a nose?

Utah

It is illegal NOT to drink milk. Vegans are not welcome here.

Vermont

Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth. It is good to be a lesbian in Vermont. 

Virginia

Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. So on Christmas or Martin Luther King Jr day it is perfectly acceptable?

Washington

The harassing of Bigfoot, Sasquatch or other undiscovered subspecies is a felony punishable by a fine and/or imprisonment. That is bullshit. Those Squatches are always giving me purple nurples and atomic wedgies. 

West Virginia

Whistling underwater is prohibited. It upsets SpongeBob and Squidward. 

Wisconsin

It is illegal to serve butter substitute in prison. Only butter makes a good lube. 

Wyoming

You may not take a picture of a rabbit from January to April without an official permit. The Easter Bunny and his family would like you to respect their privacy. 

Thursday, May 2, 2019

Thoughts of the husband while the wife is in labor


"I am glad I am not a woman"

"She can do this but anal sex is too painful?"

"Is this here poop face?"

"Did I remember to lock the front door?"

"It has been awhile since I've had some Taco Bell"

"Is it wrong that I'm super horny right now?"

"This thing is gonna be such a cock block"

"Is this nurse giving me the 'fuck me' eyes right now?"

"I am so glad she is not giving birth on 9/11"

"It look like her vagina is blowing a bubble"

"Sleepy, Dopey, Bashful, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy and....?"

"I should write a blog post about this experience"

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

Household Items: Original uses


You have probably read somewhere that the original use for Silly Putty was as a wallpaper remover and that plastic was invented by accident. Well here are some everyday items that were made for a different reason than how we use them today.

Everyday Item   -  Original usage

Jump Rope - Heavy duty floss for Michael Strahan

Kitchen Spatula - Tennis racket

Red Bull - Alternative NASCAR fuel

Toilet Plunger - CPR Tool

Cotton Swab - Constipation Tool

Mayonnaise - Foot scrub

George Foreman Grill - Efficient grill 

Blender - White noise machine

Socks - Ejaculatory receptacles 

Butter - Edible sex lubricant

Crayons - Makeup for kids

Turkey Baster - Eye dropper for Andre the Giant and Shaq

Wednesday, April 24, 2019

Some Random Thoughts


Why do we still find ourselves saying 'videotape' instead of record or DVR?

How is space endless? And how do the planets just float in space?

What is the point of a fly that only lives for one day?

How come it is NYPD and FDNY? Why not NYFD?

How do we get glass from sand? And how it a solid object see through?

Why do The Home Depot and Kohl's have like 50 handicapped parking spaces?

Does a person with only one foot have to buy both shoes?

How do you really know when sour cream goes bad?

If I have sex with my clone does that make me gay?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?


Thursday, April 18, 2019

Interview with the Easter Bunny



I recently took my kids to see the Easter Bunny. After the pictures were taken I swooped in and asked Mr. Bunny if he would be willing to sit down for an interview. He said to call his agent to check his schedule. I called his agent. He was booked solid for a month.

 Luckily, the Mall he was scheduled to be at was evacuated because someone pulled the fire alarm. Also someone let thousands of bees loose. Don't know who did it but I thank them.Here he is for a quick chat.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man): Thanks for sitting down with me for a quick chat. I know you are super busy. So what do you prefer, Easter Bunny, Mr. Bunny or E.B.?

Easter Bunny: Actually it's just a stage name. You can call me Ralph.

PTM: Sure thing Ralph. You can call me PTM. I know you don't have a lot of time so let's get right down to it. What is your favorite sexual position?

Easter Bunny: Whoa! Coming at me right out of the gate. I like your spunk. The answer is Reverse Cowgirl. My 2nd favorite is the Tijuana Surprise.

PTM: I don't mess around. Just ask Cupid. I've always wanted to try Reverse Cowgirl but I have never heard of the Tijuana Surprise. 

Easter Bunny: Really?? I pegged you for a kinky SOB. I don't have time to explain all the details but it involves 6 pairs of rubber gloves, lime juice, snorkels and a very sturdy unicycle. 

PTM: We must talk more about that when you have the time. I am always up for something new. I am sure you get this question a lot but do you hang out with any of the other Holiday Mascots?

Easter Bunny: Well first off we don't like to be called mascots. We prefer the term Holiday Sponsors. Santa used to be fun but he is old and bitter now since Mrs. Claus doesn't touch his dick anymore. Cupid is a lonely alcoholic and only wants to watch British Documentaries on Netflix. The Leprechaun and I don't speak anymore since he slept with my mom 5 years ago. The only one I still talk to is the Tooth Fairy. We went to High School together. We go paint balling every other weekend. He's super weird but a lot of fun.

PTM: I interviewed Cupid like 6 years ago. I could see that he would become an alcoholic. Such a sad and depressed dude. I used to play a lot of paint ball when I was younger. I would love to join you guys for a game sometime. 

Easter Bunny: I have to run it by the Tooth Fairy first. He is very particular on who he plays with. One time I ran into one of the Keebler Elves while grocery shopping and I invited him to play with us. That was a disaster.

PTM: Which Keebler Elf?

Easter Bunny: I want to say his name was Guillermo but don't quote me on that. 

PTM: You sure he was a Keebler Elf? I don't remember a Guillermo.

Easter Bunny: Or maybe it was one of those dudes from Rice Krispies. Ya know, Snatch, Krinkle and Plop.

PTM: Umm, ok then. I would love to find out who else you think you know but we are out of time.

Easter Bunny: I did a lot of drugs in high school, and college and in my 30's.

PTM: I bet you did. That would explain a lot. Thanks for doing this Ralph. I hope those bees I let loose didn't kill anyone.

Easter Bunny: I knew it!!!!


If you would like to read the interview with Cupid, click here.

Tuesday, April 16, 2019

A short story behind 'Just the Cheese'


Come August, this blog is celebrating 10 years of being on the Internet. I want to share how this blog came to be and why it is called 'Just the Cheese.'

Originally my blog was going to be mostly movie reviews. I was going to put a spin on them and make them humorous. That is why the URL name is reviewsyoucantuse.blogspot.com. I shortly discovered that only writing movie reviews would be difficult and time consuming. I would also have to watch movies in genres that don't appeal to me.

One of my first posts was a review about the movie Funny People. I enjoyed writing it but it took so much effort. I am all about working smart but not hard. Somehow my blog turned into random humor and silly nonsense.

The original title of my blog was 'Oh, Fiddlesticks!' I liked that name but something was missing.

I quickly changed it to 'Just the Cheese.' I am sure some of you that came here thought this blog was about cheese or food. It is named after a comedy bit done by Dane Cook. He talks about going to the movies and getting just the cheese, no nachos. You can watch a quick 3 minute clip here.

That Dane Cook bit has always been a joke between my wife and I, it just made sense to use it as part of my blog.

And if you are a fan of Ren & Stimpy then you know why I am Powdered Toast Man. If you have no idea, well I am going to leave that a mystery and you will have to find out on your own.

Here is to another 10 years of random nonsense!!


Monday, April 15, 2019

What's up?


The Universe is telling me I should start blogging again.

What to do..............??