Would you rather game

Would you rather........


1) See into the future OR read people's minds?

2) Do something great for humanity but be remembered as a bad person OR do nothing great but be remembered as a hero?

3) Be able to eat anything you wanted and not gain weight OR sleep only an hour but receive the benefits of sleeping 8 hours?

4) Have an old head with a young body OR young head with an old body?

5) Never have to poop again OR never have to brush your teeth?

6) Be allergic to chocolate OR be allergic to coffee?


My decisions:

1) See into the future. I don't want to know what other people are thinking.

2) Do something great. I'm not a big enough dick to go the other way.

3) Eat anything I want. The sleep thing is very tempting but I would probably use that time to eat.

4) Young head with old body. This way being naked surprises everybody.

5) Never have to brush my teeth. I enjoy a good poop. Plus I won't have to go to the dentist.

6) Coffee. I am addicted to chocolate and can get my caffeine fix elsewhere.

Don't let my answers influence you.

Interview with Gorton's Fisherman

It is time for me to play guest hose on 'Inside the Actor's Studio' again. James Lipton is pretty cool and lets me come on here whenever I want. All he wants in return are pictures of Harriet Tubman wearing lingerie. Those pictures are impossible to find so it is a good thing that my buddy is good at photoshop. Today's guest is that well-known fisherman from Gorton's seafood.

Powdered Toast Man: Thank you for being with us today.

Gorton's Fisherman: Glad to be here PTM, I love your show.

Powdered Toast Man: What show?

Gorton's Fisherman: To Catch a Predator.

Powdered Toast Man: That is Chris Hansen. I have a blog called 'Just the Cheese'.

Gorton's Fisherman: I always get you two mixed up. And I have never heard of your blog.

Powdered Toast Man: That's okay. I don't eat your seafood. 

Gorton's Fisherman: I don't either. I prefer Mrs. Pauls.

Powdered Toast Man: Aren't you afraid you might lose your job by saying that?

Gorton's Fisherman: Nah, I got dirt on all the big shots. They aren't getting rid of me without making a big mess.

Powdered Toast Man: You play dirty, I like that. 

Gorton's Fisherman: You should see me in the bedroom. That yellow raincoat comes in handy in other ways if you know what I mean. 

Powdered Toast Man: I really, really don't and I have no interest in finding out. 

Gorton's Fisherman: That is disappointing. Word on the street is that you are kinky as all get out.

Powdered Toast Man: I was, I mean I am. Uhh, I had to tone it down a bit. I'm involved in several sexual harassment cases at the moment. Mums the word.

Gorton's Fisherman: I hear ya loud and clear. Been there done that. What a headache.

Powdered Toast Man: I am embarrassed to ask this now but are you Gorton or do you just work for him?

Gorton's Fisherman: Everyone is confused by this too. Gorton is the name of the boat. My name is Ben. 

Powdered Toast Man: Thanks for the clarification. You look like a Ben. 

Gorton's Fisherman: Thanks, I get that a lot. You look delicious.

Powdered Toast Man: Thanks, I get that a lot too.

Gorton's Fisherman: Is this interview going to be over soon?

Powdered Toast Man: Why?

Gorton's Fisherman: I think I ate some bad clams for breakfast. I got something percolating here.

Powdered Toast Man: That is all I needed to know. Maybe we can have you back and actually answer some real questions.

Gorton's Fisherman: Sounds gooooood. He says as he runs down the hall to the bathroom.

Rare Interview

Repost from 2010.

I think that Jaws gets a bad rap. We don't know what was going on in his life. We all just assume he's an evil shark bent on killing innocent people. We don't know the truth....... until now. I recently found a rare interview with Jaws' wife after his untimely death. Never before released to the public.

Reporter Neil Blacksmith & Jaws' Wife

I am sorry for your loss Mrs. Jaws

Thank you Neil, you can call me Marg.

Marg, I apologize in advance if my questions are blunt but people need to know things.

That's quite alright. Ask whatever you want.

Did you know your husband was a serial killer?

How dare you call him that!! He was a good fish, he didn't deserve what he got (starts to tear).

How was he a good fish? He murdered innocent people.

You don't know what he was going through. He was recently diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia with multiple personalities. He didn't know what he was doing half the time.

Please, continue.

He was such a gentle husband and father. He never hurt anybody for any reason. He would come home with blood all over him with an arm or a leg hanging out of his mouth and he had no idea what happened. He didn't know he was killing people. His other personality was doing it. I named his other half Lenny. We didn't know what to do. We couldn't go to the police, they would just lock him up or throw him in the loony bin. We thought the problem would just go away on it's own but it just ended up getting worse. What would you have done?

I'm sorry, what was the question? Your cleavage is distracting me.

You perv!! You track me down to interview me and then you stare at my chest? Is this how you do all your interviews?

Well... yeah, if the person/fish I'm interviewing has big boobs and is wearing a skimpy top. Don't get mad at me, I'm just a guy.

You best be glad that my eldest son isn't here or he would tear off your arms off (grabs her jacket and covers herself up). Now can you concentrate?

Yes, I'm sorry, can we continue with the interview? (nonchalantly conceals his massive erection).

I suppose so...... I hated that Quint, he got what he deserved. I would of ate him if my husband didn't. He was such an asshole. I am still trying to track down Chief Brody. I am going to enjoy eating him little by little (licking her lips and showing her teeth). I'm starting to get hungry.

What's for dinner? I'm pretty hun......... CHOMP!

(son enters the room) Mom, where's that reporter? I wanted to talk to him about dad.

I don't know what he's doing now but in a few hours he will be digesting.

Mom!?!? Again? That's 2 reporters this week!

What the hell do you expect? I'm a great white shark. I'd eat you if you weren't my son.

If I won the lottery I would ....

 Castrate all the people that society deems dumb 

Block out every other parking spot in a parking lot so no one can ever park next to you

Create a mandatory dress code for anyone that shops at Walmart

Close all stores on Sunday and make everyone stay home

Introduce my own flavors of Doritos

Get rid of pennies forever

Turn off cable and the Internet for a few hours each week to force families to spend time together

Resurrect Robin Williams

Create a real version robot from Bicentennial Man

Repopulate the giraffe population

Create a miniature version of Jurassic Park

Bring back Toys 'R' Us but rename it Toys For Me but only I can shop there

Create another Mount Rushmore but use the heads of The Golden Girls

Cancel The Simpsons, you had a good run but enough already

Make Seinfeld shoot another final episode

Get trained as an astronaut, fly to the moon and play hacky sack

Make Wednesday part of the weekend

Give everyone a free boob job

Discontinue yellow Starburst

Dig a hole to China

More Dad Jokes

I used to be a bartender for the mob.

 It was whiskey business.




Why are Saturday and Sunday so strong?

Because the rest are weekdays.



I would like a new boomerang, but I can't seem to be able to throw the old one away.



Who is the smartest monster?

Frankeinstein



Check out my newest Youtube video about giraffes. Click HERE.

Add a Word, Ruin a Song

Genie in a Bottle Rocket - Christina Aguilera

No Hospital Scrubs - TLC

My Heart Murmur Will Go On - Celine Dion

Smells Like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Spirit - Nirvana

I Don't Want to Swiss Miss a Thing - Aerosmtih

Baby One More Hammer Time - Britney Spears

My Twitter Name is - Eminem

Black or White  Cookie - Michael Jackson

Sweet Only Child O' Mine - Guns N' Roses

Hotel California Raisins - The Eagles

Every Breath Strip You Take - The Police

Papa's Got a Brand New Colostomy Bag - James Brown

Return of the Big Mack - Mark Morrison

Night Stand by Me - Ben E King

Hot Pocket in Herre - Nelly

Like a Virgin Suicide - Madonna

Hanging Drywall by a Moment - Lifehouse

Summer Camp of '69 - Bryan Adams

Spiral Stairway to Heaven - Led Zeppelin

I Hershey Kissed a Girl - Katy Perry

Other orgasms in life

There a few things in life that are as satisfying as an orgasm. What do you agree with? What would you add to the list?

 Sticking a Q-tip in your ear after a shower

: Unexpectedly good food

Scratching that itch on your foot or back 

A really good relieving poop

Finally getting that piece of food out of your teeth

Equalizing the pressure in your ears

Peeing after holding it for way too long

Putting on a brand new pair of socks

The smell of bacon frying

Beating your spouse at a board game

Cracking your back

Popping a stubborn pimple

Finally remembering the name of that actor or the name of that movie without using the Internet

Finishing an entire crossword puzzle by yourself

No lines at the DMV

Making a half court shot playing basketball

Do you know anything about me?

I never talk about my personal life on here. I have tried to remain mysterious and just let my content do the job. Most people use their real name as their blogger name. I stayed true to my random humor by being Powdered Toast Man. I decided to take off the mask today and share some things about me.

My real name is Jamie Scully.

I am 35 years old.

I am married and have 3 kids, 2 girls and 1 boy.

My wife is Nicole.

Olivia is 6.

Ryan is 3.

Emma is 5 months.

I am from New York. I lived in Connecticut for the past 7 years. I cam back to New York.

I work at a bank as Head Teller.

I am a night owl.

I love writing and am currently editing my first book.

I have been blogging for 10 years, on and off.

I am very nostalgic.

I have hit 6 deer with 5 different cars.

I love movies, magic, puzzles, giraffes, board games, stand-up comedy, books, football, blogging, coffee, hot sauce, a good poop, mangoes, hummus, Green Day, stuff from the 90's, shooting my kids with Nerf guns, the smell of fresh cut grass, classic cars and much more that you probably don't care about.

My dad died when I was 12.

I have an older sister and younger brother.

I have one tattoo of a spider on my right forearm. (my 2nd blog post)

I went to school for marketing and haven't done anything with it.

I used to think Euthanasia was referring to children in China (youth in Asia).

Starting Something New

I decided to venture out of my comfort zone and start a YouTube channel. I can finally be one of the cool kids and sit in the back of the bus. It is essentially going to be an extension of my blog. It is called Reviews You Can't Use. I will be reviewing Pop Culture from the 80's, 90's and 2000's. I will also have random reviews about whatever pops into my head like giraffes or pumpkin pie. I plan on taking some content from here and also making some new stuff. It will be silly, funny and head scratching.

I will continue to post here as I normally do. I will still visit and comment on your blogs as I already do. I need to keep those creative juices flowing. You will finally see me as me instead of Powdered Toast Man. My name is Jamie, nice to make your acquaintance.

I have only posted two videos and they are kind of terrible but hey you gotta start somewhere. I reviewed Paw Patrol and The Goonies. If you frequent YouTube a lot or even a tiny amount, check me out. Hit me up with some love in the form of likes and comments. Subscribe if you want to see me make an ass of myself.

Click HERE to be transported my YouTube channel.

Thank you in advance for the support. Do any of you have channels?

Failed Marketing - Trampoline

Failed names:

Bouncematic

The Paralyzer

The Jump-Around

Boingity-Boing

Elastic Hammock

Sprungster

Tigger's Best Friend

Lawn Ruiner

Coil Up

Hoppin' High

Failed slogans:

You'll bounce so high you could grab a cloud

More fun than jumping on the bed

Who need s a pool when you can jump high

The Pogostick's worst enemy

Something even grandma can enjoy

Safe for the entire family

Now everyone can be a gymnast 

Today's Dad Jokes

Yo mam is so strong, The Rock calls her paper.


I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinzsight.


Q: Why do dogs run in circles?

A: Because it is hard to run in squares


Sweden doesn't export its cattle because it wants to keep its Stockholm.

Unusually Great Words

I came across some unusual words. Some you may know but most of them you probably haven't heard of, until now.

Xertz

Kakorrhaphiophobia

Ulotrichous

Winklepicker

Tittynope

Yarborough

Quire

Nudiustertian

Jentacular

Impignorate

Halfpace

Agastopia

Scrumptious

Gobbledygook

Serendipity

Blogger doesn't believe most of these are actually words.

Dad Jokes of the Week

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

 - Frostbite


What kind of animal meows and has eight legs?

- An octopuss


Have you heard of the famous composer who would only work from his bed?

- He made a lot of sheet music.

Reviews You Can't Use

 

RE-POST FROM 2011


Fast Five - I know I waited too long to review this one but I don’t care. Maybe my review will sway you to rent or buy the DVD. I didn’t get my hopes up in seeing this movie since it was the fifth movie of the Fast and Furious series. I have to say I was blown away. It is the best Fast & Furious since the original. Very action packed plus it had The Rock in it and how can you go wrong with that? I gotta tell ya, if I had a vagina I would get all hot and sweaty watching Vin Diesel and The Rock (or Dwayne Johnson for all you non wresting fans) duke it out. Maybe they have a kissing scene in the movie. You won’t know until you see it.

The Hangover: Part 2 – Obviously this one can’t match what the first one had but it was still pretty funny. I think a lot of people are being too critical of it. The only thing I didn’t like is that Justin Bartha got the short end of the stick again. They must have caught him stealing the boom mic or something. I heard they are already in the process of making The Hangover: Part 3. If they try the hangover plot again then it will suck. They need to do something totally different in order to be awesome.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – Johnny Depp is always awesome in whatever he is in and you don’t have to see the first three to enjoy this one. As an added extra for the guys and lesbian, Penelope Cruz looks hot in it. See it, don’t see it, I’ll sleep at night either way.

Now what if Alan from The Hangover somehow stumbled upon The Black Pearl from Pirates of the Caribbean? This is how I think it would play out.

Jack Sparrow finds Alan sleeping in his bed, he nudges Alan with his boot.

Jack Sparrow: What is the meaning of this? Who are you?

Alan: (mumbling in his sleep) No, mom, I want scrambie eggs, not fried.

Jack kicks him harder and Alan falls out of the bed. Alan wakes up.

Alan: What? Where am I? What did you do with Phil?

Jack: You are aboard the Black Pearl. Who’s Phil?

Alan: Phil is one of my best friends. I’ll sing the song in a minute. What did you do with my pager? What if Phil was trying to get in touch with me?

Jack: I don’t understand what you are saying. How did you get aboard my ship and into my bed?

Alan: I don’t know. All I remember from last night was there was a lot of drinking and a monkey. Why are you dressed like a pirate? Are you in some sort of play?

Jack: I’m Jack Sparrow.

Alan: Who? Do you do Disney on ice too?

Jack: I am Jack Sparrow, Captain of the Black Pearl. He pulls out his sword for emphasis.

Alan: Cool sword, do they give that to you or do you have to buy it yourself? I have my own light saber but it’s at home.

Jack: Crew, tie this idiot to the main mast.

Alan: I get to be in the show? Thanks Pete.

Jack: My name is Jack, you idiot.

Alan: Sorry, Jack, I’m not good with names.

Jack: Never mind, don’t tie him up. Just toss him overboard. I can’t take another minute of his mouth.

Alan: Way to stay in character. You are a good actor. I tried to be an actor once, I went by the name Jonathon Bobbit but everyone always laughed when I told them my name so I never got any callbacks.

Jack: Throw him overboard before I stab him to death first.

The crew lifts Alan up and prepares to throw him overboard

Jack: Any last words?

Alan: Do you have a Jack in the Box around here? I’m starving.

Jack: Throw him over

To be continued….

Find out another week what happens to Alan.

Not-so-well-known driving laws

You only need to stop for a full 3 seconds at a stop sign if there is a cop nearby.

Cutting someone off or tailgating is permitted if you are late for work or if you have to take a shit.

There is a limit on how many times you can flip people the bird within a week. That number is 3.

If you are over the age of 65 you are allowed to drive whatever speed limit you want.

Using your turn signal is optional if you are an asshole.

If you don't understand the personalized plates on the car in front of you, it is legal to ram them.

Speeding during a rain or snow storm is encouraged.

 It is illegal to park in front of a fire hydrant except on the 3rd Tuesday of the month, if it is raining and you are left handed.

Having a bumper sticker that read 'Proud parent of an honor roll student' will result in suspension of driver's license and 10 days in jail.

Between the hours of 2 am and 5 am red lights are optional.

Deer, cows and penguins have the right of way on all highways.

The only safe way to transport a mattress is tying it to the roof of your car with flimsy rope.

Speeding is legal if you just watched any of the Fast & Furious movies.

Having a blow-up doll or mannequin in your passenger seat does qualify you to use the carpool lane.

'Goofy' Thoughts

Thoughts of the person inside the Goofy character at Disney World. Male and female perspectives.

You would think this thing would have a fan or decent ventilation, cheap fucks

No one can see my boner, no one can see my boner

I wonder what my under boob smells like?

I bet I could take that kid's ice cream

We got some hot moms here today, thank you Jesus

There is an epidemic of dudes in sock and sandals

I would fuck Ariel, marry Cinderella and kill Snow White

I would fuck Grumpy, marry Bashful and kill Happy

I can make it to the toilet, do not shit your pants again

Most of these people belong on the People of Walmart site

I wonder if the chick in Minnie Mouse was messing with me when she said Walt Disney's middle name was Muriel.

This job sucks balls

Final decision, I am not having kids

Gloria Estefan was right, the rhythm is going to get you

Oh look it's Mickey Mouse, I know him!!

I miss Obama

47 bottle of beer on the wall, 47 bottles of beer....

Toothpaste Flavors I wish existed

Pizza

BBQ Ribs

Reese's Peanut Butter Cup

Waffles

Sour Patch Kids

Chocolate Mint

Tabasco

Mountain Dew

Peach Mango Salsa

Movie Theater Popcorn

Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket

Blueberry Pie

General Tso's Chicken

Everything Bagel

Anything Taco Bell

Watermelon Chapstick

Coffee

Fresh Cut Grass

Eggs with Ketchup

French Dressing

Candle scents that didn't sell

Hospital

After Sex

Burnt Hair

Toothpaste

Milk

Horse Farm

Pet Store

Canned Tuna

Gas Station

Day Old Socks

Two Week Old Sponge

Shower Drain

Over Ripe Mangoes

Wasabi

Gym Bag

Under Boob

Bleach

Swamp Ass

Dad Jokes

Did you hear about the cross-eye teacher?

He couldn't control his pupils.



I would tell you a joke about beds but it hasn't been made up yet.



How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

Dear John Letter: written by a dyslexic five year old

Daer Jhon,

 I Konw yuor nmae ins't Jhon, my mtheor tlod me to use taht nmae. I am srory to hvae to say tihs to you but I tinhk we sohuld see oehtr popele. Nipnapg wtih you has been fun but I need to mvoe on wtih my lfie. You cluod do so mcuh bteter tahn me. Suise is snlige and she is awyals lioknog at you. I hvae seen you cechk out her big, runod bule eeys. I hvae dnrak Ptere's mlik and I lkie the tsate of his wihte stutf bteetr. He ralely ejnyos it wehn I paly wiht his lolcnin log. I am keniepg the marcanoi pcitrue taht you mdae me. I whis you all the bset. Good lcuk nxet yaer in fisrt gadre. You wlil awyals be my frist ksis.

Lvoe, Smatnaha

 To view the unjumbled paragraph right click with your mouse and highlight below.

Dear John,

I know your name isn't John, my mother told me to use that name. I am sorry to have to say this you  but I think we should see other people. Napping with you has been fun but I need to move on with my life. You could do so much better than me . Susie is single and she is always looking at you. I have seen you check out her big, round blue eyes. I have drank Peter's milk and I like the taste of his while stuff better. He really enjoys it when I play with his lincoln log. I am keeping the macaroni picture that you made me. I wish you all the best. Good luck next year in first grade. You will always be my first kiss.

Love, Samantha

Studies show that the brain can read words even if they are jumbled as long as the first and last letter are correct. Was it easy to read the jumbled paragraph?

Failed car names

Ford Turtle

Nissan Widowmaker

Toyota Serendipity

Chevrolet Tea Bag

Kia Whip

Honda Cucaracha

Mazda Artichoke

Buick Light Saber

Lincoln Nebraska

Cadillac Tsunami

Acura Accurate

Lexus 1234

Mitsubishi Paper Weight

Jeep Declaration of Independence

Dodge Truckavan

GMC Big Truck

Chrysler Curds & Whey

Pontiac Toaster

Saturn Rings

Oldsmobile Tetrahedron 

Isuzu B39HK-88P

Mercedes-Benz $$$$

Hyundai Abortion

BMW Infinity Series

Mercury Falafel

Boardroom meeting with the Vowels

All the vowels (A, E, I, O, U) and Y are in a board meeting to discuss whether or not Y should be classified as a vowel.

E: Thank you all for coming in today. We are hear to discuss this 'sometimes Y' bullshit. I am sick and tired of trying to decide if this asshole is a vowel or not. I have had it up to..

A: Whoa, whoa E. Calm down. Can we stay professional here? We are all a little frustrated with the situation. If you can't keep your cool, I'm gonna have to ask you to wait outside. Are we on the same page?

E: It just makes me so mad!!

A: What did I just say?!?!

E: Okay, okay, I can be cool.

Y: Yeah man, be cool like a cucumber.

I: Shut up Y, you're the reason why we are all here.

Y: I'm sensing some unwanted hostility from some of you. Do you need me to clean your Ora?

O: Enough of your hippie bullshit mumbo jumbo.

Y: Don't be mad because I found inner peace. I can show you how to align your shakras.

A: Y, just be quiet for right now before one of these guys stabs you.

U: Damn straight!!

A: We are here to decide if Y should be identified as a vowel or consonant. There will be no more flipping back and forth when it's convenient for you. 

E: Yeah, we don't even need you. You're just extra baggage like the K in knight.

I: Not cool man, you know K is my brother-in-law.

E: Sorry dude, I forgot.

Y: I'm important. Without me how would you spell Gypsy or end most adjectives.

O: I and//or E could easily solve those problems. You are not needed.

U: Hear that? Not needed. So pack your bags! Don't let the door hit you on the way out!

A: I'd watch what you're saying U. You're not that popular either. 

U: What does that mean?

A: People aren't very happy when they get you playing Scrabble. That extra point is not worth the frustration. You might need Y as a buddy.

U: I thought we were hear to get rid of Y. How come you're getting on my case?

A: Let's just say I know who has been eating my Reese's Pieces.

U: Fuck.

Y: Can I just say one thing?

A: Nope! All in favor of kicking Y out of the vowels, say aye.

E: Aye.

I: Aye.

Y: Nay.

O: Aye

A: Aye.

P: Nay

U: Aye.

A: P? Where the hell did you come from?

P: I was hiding under the table.

E: That's weird dude. Now get out. This doesn't concern you.

P: Okay, okay. I'm outta here. Wanna hang out later?

A: Go!!

P: Okay, okay. I get it.

O: That was a bit odd. Oh well.

A: And the ayes have it. Sorry Y. No hard feelings. Say hi to Z for me. While snickering

Y: I hate you guys! Crying uncontrollably, runs out of the room.

I: Inner peace, my ass.

Nursery Rhymes: Behind the story

We all know and love the nursery rhymes we heard as a child. But do you know the back story or the aftermath of those stories. Well I am here to share those with you.

The stories of Jack & Jill and Humpty Dumpty are connected.

 Jack & Jill were actually twins and Jack got most of the attention. Also, Jill and Humpty were secretly dating. Jack didn't know because Jill knew he would not approve. Jill was fed up with all the attention that Jack got. In High School, he was captain of the football team and all around popular guy. He was also the favorite twin. Their mom would never admit it but he definitely got more of the love. She snapped and convinced Humpty to get rid of her problem. Jack falling down and breaking his crown was no accident. He was murdered by Humpty Dumpty. Humpty was so distraught over what he did that he took his own life by jumping off that wall. 

He left a suicide note and this it what it read:

To whomever finds my body,

I am so sorry. I am a bad egg. I deserve to be cracked on the sidewalk. I have done an unspeakable thing. Jack did not fall down the hill by accident. I pushed him. I just wanted to break his legs or maybe disfigure him. I swear I wasn't trying to kill him. Tell my mom that I love her and I always hate my name.

With deepest regret,

Humpty Dumpty

P.S. Please don't let those horses try and put me back together. They have no hands and will only make a mess. I have watched them play with jigsaw puzzles.

As you can read, Humpty did not snitch on Jill. He took full blame like a man. Jill split town as soon as she heard of Humpty's accident. She never got wind of the suicide note. She just assumed the police would pin it on her somehow. She bounced around from state to state as an exotic dancer working local strip clubs. She called herself 'Tumbles'. No one has seen her in years. Her mom doesn't know if she is alive or dead. 

Movie Title Change

Movie titles with one or more words added for fun.

Finding Captain Nemo

Pulp Free Fiction

Courage Under Fire Hydrant

When Harry Met Sally Struthers

Fight Club Sandwich

Field of Wet Dreams

The Seven Year Crotch Itch

A Few Good Humor Men

Lady and the Trampoline

Gone with the Breaking Wind

Back to the Near Future

The Dark Chocolate Knight

Ferris Bueller's Day Jerk Off

The Hunger Strike Games

Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark

The Passion Fruit of the Christ

The Wizard of Dr. Oz

Toilet Paper Moon

Fist Bumps of Fury

Kung Fu Panda Express

Weird Laws Part Nineteen

Here is the next installment of weird laws of the United States. If you look above there is a link to a page with all the weird laws posts I have done.

ALABAMA

It is a misdemeanor to impersonate a member of the clergy. This will result in jail time and/or a fine up to $500. You will have to find another way to get close to young boys.

ALASKA

If you kill a moose, you have to salvage all the meat so people can eat it. Hope they have a sale on freezers. 

ARIZONA

You need a permit to feed garbage to a pig. I will just feed the raccoons and tell them they have to share. 

ARKANSAS

In Little Rock, no person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9pm. Assemble all the clowns with honking noses!!

CALIFORNIA

You can have as many frogs for as many frog-jumping contests that you want. But if they die, you cannot eat them. Officer, no these were not my jumping contest frogs. They were my juggling frogs. Excuse me so I can eat my lunch. 

COLORADO

In Boulder, you are not permitted to roll, throw or move any boulders on any public property. That is the only souvenir I want from Boulder, Colorado!

CONNECTICUT

In Southington, you may not use silly string unless it is in the privacy of your own home. Man the Chuck E. Cheese parties must be so lame. 

DELAWARE

In Fenwick Island, you can't tailgate or otherwise picnic around your car between midnight and 6am. Everybody knows the best picnics are at 3am. 

Alternate Endings to Movies

I love alternate ending to movies, especially when the director goes a totally different way. Here are some of my own alternate endings. They are very popular older movies. Spoilers may be present. 

Titanic - Jack survives because he got on top of a door that was just big enough for him. Rose drowns. 

E.T. : The Extra Terrestrial - After E.T. flies away with his parents, Elliot's mom reveals that ALF has been hiding in her closet.

The Sixth Sense - It turns out that Bruce Wills character is alive. Haley Joel Osment's character has been dropping acid every day. 

Independence Day - Randy Quaid's character falls in love with an alien. He leaves with them and the aliens succeed in destroying the Earth.

Finding Nemo - The whole movie is Marlin's dream. He has been living in the dentist's fish tank . Nemo and Dory both died several years ago. 

Forrest Gump - It ends on Forrest looking in the mirror. He laughs to himself and says "I can't believe everyone is still falling for this stupid act."

Saving Private Ryan - Tom Hanks whispers into Matt Damon's ear "I shit my pants."

Terminator 2: Judgment Day - As he lowers himself into the molten metal, The Terminator says "John Connor, I love you." There is just awkward silence from everyone. The Terminator is gone and John says "what the fuck was that about?"

Jaws - Brody shoots the oxygen tank and blows jaws up. Two seconds later another great white shark comes up behind him and kills him. The end. 

Toy Story - Buzz and Woody fall in love. You see them holding hands walking into Andy's room. They kick out all the toys into the hallway. They close the door behind them. Barry White is heard in the background. 

Would you rather: Moral & Ethical dilemmas

I love the 'would you rather' game. My daughter comes up with some very odd ones like would you rather eat a tree or be a dinosaur? Most of them are like that. Kids are silly. How about some moral and ethical would you rathers?


You will be successful in whatever you do as a career but one of your closest friends will never be successful and will always be a failure. Would you do it?

Your spouse has an incurable but not fatal disease that inconveniences both of your lives all the time. You are given a magic pill that will cure your spouse but they will hate you forever. Do you give them the pill?

You and your best friend work together. Your friend embezzles a lot of money and tells you about it. You promise not to tell anybody. An innocent coworker is charged for the crime. Do you rat your friend out?

You can reverse the effects of global warming with the press of a button but in doing so will kill all the dogs on Earth. Do yo press the button?

A genie will grant you 3 wishes but with every wish a kid that you don't know dies. Do you ask for the wishes?

Almost 911 emergencies

911 is only for emergencies. We all know that but there are some special people out there that call 911 when Mcdonalds forgot their chicken nuggets or the Wendy's drive-thru is closed. There are plenty of events and occurrences in our lives where calling 911 would be so convenient and helpful. Such as:

Realizing mid-poop that you have no toilet paper

You have your bowl full of cereal but no milk in the fridge

You stepped on a Lego, barefoot

You think there is a monster under the bed

The remote control is on the other side of the room

It's time for bed but the sink is full of dishes

You are the only one home and you can't open the jar of pickles

Your baby needs a diaper change ASAP

Your 3 year old son keeps asking WHY and you have no more answers

There is a spider on the wall

You can't get away from that annoying coworker

You are at the grocery store without your grocery list

You stepped in a puddle on got your sock and shoe all wet

Wendy's forgot to give you honey mustard for your nuggets

The garbage is full but it is raining out

Your wife needs one ingredient for dinner and she wants to send you out to the store

You stubbed your door on the corner of the bed frame

You are on hour 3 of building your new IKEA furniture

A coworker ate your yogurt that was in the work fridge

You smell a skunk

Out Sick

Excuse my absence this past week from posting, reading and commenting. I have been fighting off a cold and it continues to linger. My brain is quite foggy and the creative juices are all clogged up. I will return to the blogging world once I feel like myself again.

If you didn't notice that I was gone then I am not as special as I thought I was.

Please find other forms of content to make you laugh in the meantime.

Some important questions

Normally I am all about having fun on here but today I'm going to ask some serious questions. I have always wondered about every one's blogging habits and hopefully you will all tell me in a comment. To make you feel at ease I will answer my own questions.

1.) Do you have a blogging schedule? Do you post a certain amount of times each week or is it totally random?

I used to post randomly whenever I had an idea. Nowadays I forced myself to have a strict schedule. I post 3 times a week. I come up with at least one new idea every day. I read and comment  on 20 blogs per day. I also reply to comments via email. 

2.) Do you Blog for fun or are you an aspiring writer?

For 10 years I blogged just for funsies. Now I want to be a comedy writer so I use this as my outlet.

3.) Do you always return the favor if someone comments on a post? Do you always comment after reading a post?

99% of the time I return the favor. I feel like it is blogger etiquette to engage with your followers. I usually try to leave a funny comment on a post. I never just read and leave.

4.) Do you make any money blogging? If so, how?

No, but I want to. 

5.) Who is your all time blogger buddy?

Rawkn Robyn from Life by Chocolate. We compliment each other quite nicely. Alex J. Cavanaugh is a close second. 

6.) Does you spouse or significant other support your blog/writing?

At first, no. It took a loooooong time. People that don't blog just don't understand.

7.) Ask me a question.

Couples counseling: Santa & The Mrs.

I recently took some online classes and now I am a certified couples counselor. I don't get paid as much as a therapist but it pays for my hummus addiction. I don't know how I did it but my first two patients are Santa and Mrs. Claus. I guess they have some free time now since Christmas is still a few months away. I also hear that Santa is pretty cheap and probably didn't want to spend the big bucks on some fancy quack.

PTM: Thank you Santa and Mrs. Claus for being my first two patients. Are you patients? I'm not sure what to call you since I am not a doctor. Would clients be better terminology? Anyway I am going to try to fix whatever problems you two are having. First I will talk to you separately and then bring you back together for a group session. Mrs. Claus I will chat with you first. Santa can you take a seat in the waiting room? There are plenty of dirty magazines and assorted donuts.

PTM: Mrs. Caus, how long have you and Santa been married?

Mrs. Claus: Fifty-eight years, but don’t ask Mr. Claus. His memory went years ago. He can’t even find the bathroom anymore. Thank goodness for Depends!

PTM: Was that a product plug? Didn't know you two sponsored stuff. What is the biggest problem in your relationship?

Mrs. Claus: I always have to spend Christmas alone. You would think just one time he’d send the elves out and stay home with me.

PTM: I never thought of that before, must get so lonely. What is your favorite thing about Santa?

Mrs. Claus: He tickles me. I can’t tell you where though.

PTM: I would do it too but my lawyers said I am not allowed to tickle guests anymore, not since that incident with Hugh Jackman. How would you describe your sex life?

Mrs. Claus: Let’s just say no one’s going up the chimney anymore.

PTM: I wouldn't kick you out of bed. If you were allowed to cheat on Santa with one person, who would that be?

Mrs. Claus: The Easter Bunny. His cousin is the Energizer Bunny, you know.

PTM: Why not the Energizer Bunny then? The Easter Bunny might be done in 3 minutes. What pet peeve of yours that Santa does drives you the most crazy?

Mrs. Claus: When he gets the reindeer games confused with hunting season. Poor little dears. We had to get all new reindeer last year.

PTM: That must be tough trying to find more magic reindeer. Why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children.

Mrs. Claus: Santa brought one home one year after his Christmas flight. Little fella kept running away, screaming ‘You’re not my real father. I’ll never rule the North Pole with you!’ I think a polar bear finally got him…

PTM: Poor little TImmy. What is a secret that the big guy doesn't know?

Mrs. Claus: Gary the elf down in shipping and I have had a thing going on for years now…

PTM: You just said no one goes up your chimney anymore. Unless your chimney is your butt hole. Now it makes sense. Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White?

Mrs. Claus: I’m not that kind of woman, but if it would entice the mister into some fun, I’d be willing to try.

PTM: That's hot. Do you find me attractive?

Mrs. Claus: Actually, with that little toast head, you look scrumptious and good enough to eat!

PTM: That definitely gave me some insight on your relationship. I'm curious to find out if Santa will answer the same way. You can head back to the waiting room now, Mrs. Claus. I hear the Elves are getting restless. Send Santa in please. 

PTM: Santa, how long have you and Mrs. Claus been married?

Santa: Three or five–hiccup—longer than I’ve been gettin’ sloshed on Jameson. Tosses empty whisky bottle at Frosty, who ducks. It hits Mrs. Claus’ tuchas as she’s, uh, tending to the elves.

PTM: Where did Frosty come from? I didn't even see him come in. What is the biggest problem in your relationship?

Santa: That right there. Points at her. She spends gobs of time with the elves. And when I wanna light her tree, she’s all ‘Not now, I’m too elfin tired.’ Man’s got needs!

PTM: You should talk to Gary in shipping. What is your favorite thing about Mrs. Claus?

Santa:  She puts on these fuchsia nip tassels and gets all snazzy vajazzled. That’s when I got yer North Pole right here, ya know? Santa points at his growin’ groin.

PTM: That is an impressive pole you got there. How would you describe your sex life?

Santa: It’s like a bipolar bear. Mostly frigid. But when it happens, which is twice a year (International Hot Dog Day and Yom Kippur), it’s like a flea market gorge fest. Belch.

PTM: Too bad she can only fit one wiener in her mouth on International Hot Dog Day. If you were allowed to cheat on your wife with one person, who would that be?

Santa She’s a little thick and tacky, but I’d take Robyn for a spin any time of year. I hear they’re real too. Santa nudges PTM with his elbow.

PTM: You must mean Rawkn Robyn from Life By Chocolate. Nice choice and I knew they were real!! What pet peeve of yours that Mrs. Claus does drives you the most crazy?

Santa: She measures me when I get out of the shower then busts out laughing, that *bleep*!

PTM: Next time you have to bring him to attention before you get out. Why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children.

Santa: Look at her! I don’t want no STDs. I use protection. Same ribbed condom’s been working for centuries. Guess I’m lucky that way.

PTM: Mrs. Claus has a different story but I'll believe you. What is a secret that the Mrs. doesn't know?

Santa: She has no idea how much Rudolph and I love to go riding. Got a cigarette?

PTM: I can see that happening. Reindeer are kinda sexy. Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White?

Santa: If she’ll pole dance in the raw with fuchsia nip tassels, sure.

PTM: I will give her people a call after the show and ask. Do you find me attractive?

Santa: I’ve noticed your nice, tight tuchas. I’d like to *bleep* *bleep* *bleeeeeeep* you.

PTM: Santa you are a dirty Sonuvabitch. I love it!! Now go grab your wife so I can talk to you both.

A knockoff version of Jeopardy theme song plays

PTM: You both gave some interesting answers to my questions. For the sake of privacy and that oath I took, I am not going to reveal what each of you said. I hope you both understand.

Santa: Oh no! Not another pregnancy scare?

Mrs. Claus: You’re such a sweet toast boy – I knew we could trust you.

PTM: Santa lay off the drugs. Mrs. Claus thank you for that. Now that we are in a safe space, is there anything you want to say to each other?

 Santa: I just wish you'd wear those fuchsia nip tassels once more for me.

Mrs. Claus: Two days a year? Have you ever asked me on Easter? May Day? I’ll show you some pole dancing…

PTM: I can understand how you both feel. Nipple tassels are the shit. What is one thing you wish the other would do more of?

Santa: Wear the fuchsia nip tassels for me!

Mrs. Claus: Bring me more gifts. The kids get everything. Even if he just wrapped that hot dog of his in a bow, I’d take it.

PTM: Very sexual answers, we are definitely getting somewhere. What is your biggest fear?

Santa: When I can no longer go South

Mrs. Claus: One day I’ll measure him and won’t find anything there…

PTM: Penis, penis, penis. Vagina, vagina, vagina. We have time for one more question. Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

Santa: Can you see my pole through this sack? Santa grabs his crotch.

Mrs. Claus: You must be chilly! I can’t see anything in your pants, either.

PTM: Awesome. After listening to you both I have come up with a solution for your relationship. Both of you need to wear fuchsia nipple tassels. That will fix everything. Now I called Betty White's people before you both came back. She is down for the threesome but she wants to make it a foursome. Apparently she loves toast, if you know what I mean.

Santa: Now we're talkin'! It's gonna be a White Christmas even before Yom Kippur!

Mrs. Claus: Break out the butter!: 

PTM: We are meeting her in 20 minutes, let's go!!

I would like to thank two of my blogger buddies that I've known for 10 years, but have never met in person, Alex J. Cavanaugh and Robyn Engel (aka Rawkn Robyn) for playing the parts of Santa and Mrs. Claus. Alex played Mrs. Claus and Robyn played an extra perverted Santa. 

If you don't know either of these awesome people than shame on you. 

Alex J. Cavanaugh

Life by Chocolate: Robyn Alana Engel's Blog