Thursday, September 12, 2019

Couples counseling: Santa & The Mrs.

I recently took some online classes and now I am a certified couples counselor. I don't get paid as much as a therapist but it pays for my hummus addiction. I don't know how I did it but my first two patients are Santa and Mrs. Claus. I guess they have some free time now since Christmas is still a few months away. I also hear that Santa is pretty cheap and probably didn't want to spend the big bucks on some fancy quack.

PTM: Thank you Santa and Mrs. Claus for being my first two patients. Are you patients? I'm not sure what to call you since I am not a doctor. Would clients be better terminology? Anyway I am going to try to fix whatever problems you two are having. First I will talk to you separately and then bring you back together for a group session. Mrs. Claus I will chat with you first. Santa can you take a seat in the waiting room? There are plenty of dirty magazines and assorted donuts.

PTM: Mrs. Caus, how long have you and Santa been married?

Mrs. Claus: Fifty-eight years, but don’t ask Mr. Claus. His memory went years ago. He can’t even find the bathroom anymore. Thank goodness for Depends!

PTM: Was that a product plug? Didn't know you two sponsored stuff. What is the biggest problem in your relationship?

Mrs. Claus: I always have to spend Christmas alone. You would think just one time he’d send the elves out and stay home with me.

PTM: I never thought of that before, must get so lonely. What is your favorite thing about Santa?

Mrs. Claus: He tickles me. I can’t tell you where though.

PTM: I would do it too but my lawyers said I am not allowed to tickle guests anymore, not since that incident with Hugh Jackman. How would you describe your sex life?

Mrs. Claus: Let’s just say no one’s going up the chimney anymore.

PTM: I wouldn't kick you out of bed. If you were allowed to cheat on Santa with one person, who would that be?

Mrs. Claus: The Easter Bunny. His cousin is the Energizer Bunny, you know.

PTM: Why not the Energizer Bunny then? The Easter Bunny might be done in 3 minutes. What pet peeve of yours that Santa does drives you the most crazy?

Mrs. Claus: When he gets the reindeer games confused with hunting season. Poor little dears. We had to get all new reindeer last year.

PTM: That must be tough trying to find more magic reindeer. Why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children.

Mrs. Claus: Santa brought one home one year after his Christmas flight. Little fella kept running away, screaming ‘You’re not my real father. I’ll never rule the North Pole with you!’ I think a polar bear finally got him…

PTM: Poor little TImmy. What is a secret that the big guy doesn't know?

Mrs. Claus: Gary the elf down in shipping and I have had a thing going on for years now…

PTM: You just said no one goes up your chimney anymore. Unless your chimney is your butt hole. Now it makes sense. Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White?

Mrs. Claus: I’m not that kind of woman, but if it would entice the mister into some fun, I’d be willing to try.

PTM: That's hot. Do you find me attractive?

Mrs. Claus: Actually, with that little toast head, you look scrumptious and good enough to eat!

PTM: That definitely gave me some insight on your relationship. I'm curious to find out if Santa will answer the same way. You can head back to the waiting room now, Mrs. Claus. I hear the Elves are getting restless. Send Santa in please. 

PTM: Santa, how long have you and Mrs. Claus been married?

Santa: Three or five–hiccup—longer than I’ve been gettin’ sloshed on Jameson. Tosses empty whisky bottle at Frosty, who ducks. It hits Mrs. Claus’ tuchas as she’s, uh, tending to the elves.

PTM: Where did Frosty come from? I didn't even see him come in. What is the biggest problem in your relationship?

Santa: That right there. Points at her. She spends gobs of time with the elves. And when I wanna light her tree, she’s all ‘Not now, I’m too elfin tired.’ Man’s got needs!

PTM: You should talk to Gary in shipping. What is your favorite thing about Mrs. Claus?

Santa:  She puts on these fuchsia nip tassels and gets all snazzy vajazzled. That’s when I got yer North Pole right here, ya know? Santa points at his growin’ groin.

PTM: That is an impressive pole you got there. How would you describe your sex life?

Santa: It’s like a bipolar bear. Mostly frigid. But when it happens, which is twice a year (International Hot Dog Day and Yom Kippur), it’s like a flea market gorge fest. Belch.

PTM: Too bad she can only fit one wiener in her mouth on International Hot Dog Day. If you were allowed to cheat on your wife with one person, who would that be?

Santa She’s a little thick and tacky, but I’d take Robyn for a spin any time of year. I hear they’re real too. Santa nudges PTM with his elbow.

PTM: You must mean Rawkn Robyn from Life By Chocolate. Nice choice and I knew they were real!! What pet peeve of yours that Mrs. Claus does drives you the most crazy?

Santa: She measures me when I get out of the shower then busts out laughing, that *bleep*!

PTM: Next time you have to bring him to attention before you get out. Why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children.

Santa: Look at her! I don’t want no STDs. I use protection. Same ribbed condom’s been working for centuries. Guess I’m lucky that way.

PTM: Mrs. Claus has a different story but I'll believe you. What is a secret that the Mrs. doesn't know?

Santa: She has no idea how much Rudolph and I love to go riding. Got a cigarette?

PTM: I can see that happening. Reindeer are kinda sexy. Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White?

Santa: If she’ll pole dance in the raw with fuchsia nip tassels, sure.

PTM: I will give her people a call after the show and ask. Do you find me attractive?

Santa: I’ve noticed your nice, tight tuchas. I’d like to *bleep* *bleep* *bleeeeeeep* you.

PTM: Santa you are a dirty Sonuvabitch. I love it!! Now go grab your wife so I can talk to you both.

A knockoff version of Jeopardy theme song plays

PTM: You both gave some interesting answers to my questions. For the sake of privacy and that oath I took, I am not going to reveal what each of you said. I hope you both understand.

Santa: Oh no! Not another pregnancy scare?

Mrs. Claus: You’re such a sweet toast boy – I knew we could trust you.

PTM: Santa lay off the drugs. Mrs. Claus thank you for that. Now that we are in a safe space, is there anything you want to say to each other?

 Santa: I just wish you'd wear those fuchsia nip tassels once more for me.

Mrs. Claus: Two days a year? Have you ever asked me on Easter? May Day? I’ll show you some pole dancing…

PTM: I can understand how you both feel. Nipple tassels are the shit. What is one thing you wish the other would do more of?

Santa: Wear the fuchsia nip tassels for me!

Mrs. Claus: Bring me more gifts. The kids get everything. Even if he just wrapped that hot dog of his in a bow, I’d take it.

PTM: Very sexual answers, we are definitely getting somewhere. What is your biggest fear?

Santa: When I can no longer go South

Mrs. Claus: One day I’ll measure him and won’t find anything there…

PTM: Penis, penis, penis. Vagina, vagina, vagina. We have time for one more question. Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

Santa: Can you see my pole through this sack? Santa grabs his crotch.

Mrs. Claus: You must be chilly! I can’t see anything in your pants, either.

PTM: Awesome. After listening to you both I have come up with a solution for your relationship. Both of you need to wear fuchsia nipple tassels. That will fix everything. Now I called Betty White's people before you both came back. She is down for the threesome but she wants to make it a foursome. Apparently she loves toast, if you know what I mean.

Santa: Now we're talkin'! It's gonna be a White Christmas even before Yom Kippur!

Mrs. Claus: Break out the butter!: 

PTM: We are meeting her in 20 minutes, let's go!!

I would like to thank two of my blogger buddies that I've known for 10 years, but have never met in person, Alex J. Cavanaugh and Robyn Engel (aka Rawkn Robyn) for playing the parts of Santa and Mrs. Claus. Alex played Mrs. Claus and Robyn played an extra perverted Santa. 

If you don't know either of these awesome people than shame on you. 


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Put it all together and it ended up really funny!
Still nixing the fuchsia nip tassels though. And they better not end up in my stocking.

Joanne said...

naughty or nice...hmmm. Alex and Robyn are hysterical and y'all are crazy.

R's Rue said...


Adam said...

I'd only consider Betty White if it was her from the 1940's.

Though she'd be a fun person for commentary.

L. Diane Wolfe said...

Will Betty also wear fuchsia nipple tassels? said...

Hahahahaha. Oh, you sick perverts. I mean, this was the funnest threesome imaginable. I need to see if fuchsia nip tassels exist. They've gotta be on-line somewhere.

Will post and announce this soon by tomorrow, PTM.
Thanks so much for the zany escape.

Liz A. said...

I'll never look at a Christmas special the same way again.

Susan Flett Swiderski said...

Too funny! I can almost hear Robyn laughing from here.

However, I have it on good authority that Mrs. Santa is so old, she's having a major problem with those tassels.The darned things drag on the floor, and she keeps tripping over them. I reckon she should consider throwing her bosom over her shoulder...

anne marie in philly said...

bwhahahahahahahahaha! two dirty old farts...they COULD be your neighbors, ya know...

Theresa Mahoney said...

There's an image. Betty White and Mrs. Claus. Give poor Santa a heart attack and Christmas will definitely be canceled this year. said...

I love your silly crew, PTM.
I'm anxiously waiting for those tassels to arrive by mail. You'll still waiting for the cake, aren't you?

Elephant's Child said...

Smiling broadly. However, as I said at Robyn's post, I am seriously disappointed by the lack of chocolate.

Bleubeard and Elizabeth said...

I came to thank you for your comment on my latest blog post. Then I found this really funny, clever, risque, and enjoyable take on Christmas. Santa and Mrs. Claus are in good hands, but I'm not sure about Betty White. You have a fun way of looking at the world.

DEZMOND said...

You should visit Levant countries, hummus is best there, better than anywhere else. I mean, they invented it.

Mary Kirkland said...

That was hilarious and the fact that you had two other people helping with answers made it so much more funny. Santa is naughty.

Blue Grumpster said...

See, now I need to get me some tassels. There's no doubt about it.

DUTA said...

Santa Claus is never boring, no matter in which context one puts him.
Even those who are not of christian faith, like me, have a soft spot for the legendary figure.

Al Penwasser said...

I've always thought that about Robyn.
BTW, watch that hummus.

Birgit said...

I had this taped and finally got to sit down and see this interview, um, even if it is written down. Anyhoo, Santa should never talk about fleas when mentioning fun in the sack. Gee, I wonder what else is hidden in that sack and what kind of toys?? Gary must be a special elf who must bring Ms. Santa some chocolate. I always knew Rudolph was gay because he always hung out with Hermie the drill. This was very funny and loved reading this

Dawn@Lighten Up! said...

Whoa! I never thought Santa and Mrs. Claus could make me feel so . . . dirty.
I like it.

yellowdoggranny said...

this made my day

DMS said...

Well- if you are going to counsel anyone- those are the two to sit down with and talk. So much more interesting than your average couple- and such unique problems too. :) Thanks for sharing!

Kimberly nicholas said...

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