When you're bored...

I was just flipping through my phone and came across these pics.

Riddle Time

David's father has three sons. Their names are Snap, Crackle and _______?







Answer: Pop is the wrong answer. The answer is David...duh!

The Internet is Awesome

"Have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion."

I found this on texts from last night and thought I would share it. If you have never been to the site you should definitely check it out. It has some pretty funny and fucked up shit on it

Shallow Pockets

This semester I didn't have any money for books so I had to cash in a government bond that I've had since 1985. Damn crooks, jacking up the prices of textbooks that only change by a page every year. They need to be stopped!! If only we had real live superheroes........................or do we?

To the bat cave!!

Expect Shit

Nothing is 100% in life, anything can happen and probably will according to Murphy's Law: whatever can go wrong will go wrong. I have learned that everyday 50% of the things you do or plan will go wrong. You have to expect shit to happen in your life. You have to plan for things to go wrong so that when they do you are not surprised. I'm not saying to want things to go wrong but life is always throwing us curve balls and most of the time the sun is in our eyes. AND stop worrying about everything, that is going to get you nowhere. Worrying does not solve anything, it's like trying to solve a math problem by chewing bubble gum and it probably causes cancer.

If you expect and plan for obstacles in your life then it will be that much easier to conquer them. No one said life was easy and if they did well then they are an asshole. Life sucks and you have to make the most of it with the time you have. You can take this as advice or some sort of life lesson, frankly I don't care. I am just trying to educate the world one post at a time. I actually have no idea where I'm heading with this, I had a good idea and I hoped that it would lead somewhere as I typed but I'm drawing a blank. Give me a second..........

If I was to offer you one piece of advice it would be to wear sunscreen.

"Driving" Me Crazy

What is the deal with MiniVans? They are either driving way too slow or they are speeding and tailgating on the highway. It has probably happened to you where you are driving on the parkway and a MiniVan comes flying up behind you and starts tailgating the shit out of your car. I have a theory about these MiniVans. I believe that the ones that are speeding are being driven by the husbands who hate having the Minivan so they decide to beat the hell out of them. Now the ones that drive like your 90 year old grandma are being driven by the soccer moms with too many kids.

This theory brings me to my original topic: People do not know how to drive anymore. Today's generation of motorists barely qualify as licensed pedestrians. I don't think anyone knows what the purpose of a turn signal really is or how long you should wait at a stop sign before proceeding. Now I am not a perfect driver, I break the law from time to time and account for my fair share of non-signaling and erratic behavior but I am far better than most of the jackasses out there.
I vote on implementing a new requirement for owning a driver's license. I believe that everyone should have to take a driver's test every 5 years (free of charge of course, the DMV gets too much of our money as it is.) This will hopefully weed out those who passed their first exam by accident. It's a miracle that certain people even received a license. This will also cut down on automobile accidents and breaking the law such as speeding and rolling through stop signs. I cannot stand the dumb asses that are out there on the asphalt. I just want to run them off the road and beat them with a sack of potatoes until they learn their lesson.
Let's drive safe out there............or do you like potatoes that much?

Surrogates review

Are there any students out there that use their student ID to get a discount at the movies? I am among those students. Once again the movie theater is trying to rape us with their so-called prices. For one the price for a student just went from $8 to $8.50 and now it's only valid Sunday through Thursday. That's right, you can't get a student discount on Fridays or Saturdays anymore folks. I, unfortunately had to learn this the hard way last night when I went to see Surrogates with Nicole.
This is an outrage!! I'm no longer going to the movies on Fridays, I am not paying full price anymore. I am organizing a worldwide boycott (well actually just the U.S.) of the theaters on Friday and Saturday, now who is with me? Anyone? Okay a one man boycott is not going to be as effective.

Enough ranting, I started this post to review Surrogates, let's get started.



I have been waiting for this movie for awhile, I saw the trailer for it like 3 months ago during Funny People I think. (If you haven't read my review of Funny People yet you should, it's my first post in August called Reviews you cant use .) No wait that's wrong, it was probably Public Enemies, I don't know, it's not important now. Any who, the film looked really cool and original and it had Bruce Willis in it (you can't go wrong with him.) I had high expectations for this one and it didn't quite meet them. The movie was good but it seemed like there was something missing, either it was too short or not enough action.


Is the future going to have robots that we control with our mind and go to work for us and do our errands? That would be awesome technology to have. However people would become a lot more lazy than they are now with their hover rounds and jazzys. In the movie 98% of the population used a surrogate. You never have to leave your house.....ever, it does everything for you. Even picks up the ladies for you and "entertains" them. Now you can get the basic model with just sight and sound or the fully loaded deal with all the senses, not too shabby. I wonder what the price tag on one of those bad boys is? I'm going to put a down payment on mine now....where did I put my checkbook?

I think my reviews are turning into crazy rants instead of actual reviews of the movies, whatever. I'm probably not going to get Roger Ebert's job anytime soon. You should still go see Surrogates anyway, it was very original and well because I said so, and that's good enough for me. I'm planning on seeing the new Michael Moore documentary/movie; Capitalism: A Love Story, so look forward to that review.

Next time you are at the concession stand at the theater order just the cheese, no nachos, just the cheese.

Joke of the Day

After 15 years in prison, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He snatches the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom. The husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to Fuck You, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You." The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!

Jurassic Park IV?!?

The one movie sequel that would be the best idea is probably not going to be made. The Jurassic Park 4 script has been written already but nothing has become of it. Steven Spielberg has been involved in this project but for some reason dropped it at some point. Jurassic Park and The Lost World were very good but they dropped the ball on the third one probably because it wasn't directed by Spielberg, it was directed by Joe Johnston. Jurassic Park 3 was too short and didn't have enough action, I think they rushed it. They need to finish off the series with a bang. Jurassic Park is one of the most original movies ever and a fourth installment, if done right, would be awesome.

I'm not sure where the movie would take place. Maybe on the first island again? Also who would the cast contain? I think they should bring back the grand kids as adults, that would connect to the original. They should get the original cast back together too: Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum. I really hope they decide to make this movie. I'm getting tired of pointless and crappy sequels. If Speilberg knows what's good for him he will direct Jurassic Park 4: The Extinction. Give me the damn script, I'll direct it if I have to.

Sequels, prequels and remakes...oh my!

I started this post on 8/17 and forgot about it. Then I didn't exactly know what to write because I didn't want it to be crazy long so this is what I came up with.

Here are 41 TBA movies to tickle your fancy....







Thundercats - I had the lunchbox when I was younger. Would probably be worth some $$ now. Should be a kick ass movie


Beverly Hills Cop 4 - It's about time Eddie Murphy makes another action movie


Get Smart 2 - I used to watch the show on TVLAND, thought the 1st one was funny but could of been better


Rambo 5 - Didn't see the last one. Is Sly wearing depends yet?


National Treasure 3 - Loved the 1st one. Curious to see what they are gonna do for this one


Inside Man 2


Pirates of the Caribbean 4 - Huge Depp fan, should be good.


XXX 3- the return of Xander Cage - Didn't like that Vin Diesel wasn't in the 2nd one but he returns in this bad boy


Ghostbusters 3 - They are all old but who doesn't love The Ghostbusters?


Hostel part III - 1st one gave me the heebie jeebies


Scream 4 - 3rd one sucked, had a lame plot. I'll still watch this one but just to see what they come up with


Anchorman 2 - original was hilarious, will only be good with Farrell


300 2 - did not expect a sequel to this one....remember the guy with the eye patch?


Super Troopers 2 - didnt need a sequel but why the hell not


I am Legend 2 - ???


Ghost Rider 2 - Wasn't a big fan of the 1st one, hopefully they do a better job


X-men origins: Magneto - Love X-men, a little disappointed in Wolverine though


Bourne 4 - They could make 10 more of these


Toy Story 3 - So excited, I've been waiting years for this sequel


Indiana Jones 5 - Didn't like the ending to 4, don't know if Ford is gonna be in this one. Shia might take over


Tron 2 - Still need to see the original


The Lost Boys 3 - Straight to DVD


Big Momma's House 3 - Are they serious? A bit overdone


The Strangers 2 - Watch the 1st one, pretty good


Harold and Kumar 3 - Should be funny


Wanted 2 - Who is gonna be in this one?


Silent Hill 2 - Fell asleep watching the 1st one, a little confused.


Gambit - It's about fucking time. They teased us with him in Wolverine. Been waiting forever to see him in action


The Green Lantern


Iron Man 2 - The 1st one was so amazing. Robert Downey jr is a great Tony Stark. Don't like the change to Don Cheadle from Terrence Howard


Luke Cage


Nick Fury


Sin City 2 - Awesome


Sin City 3 - Awesome again


Silver Surfer


Superman: Man of Steel - They better get it right this time


The Flash


The Avengers


Thor


Wonder Woman - Hope they use someone hot, Jessica Biel is a rumored


X-Men: First Class

Pride and Glory

I recently just watched this movie like last week and I meant to write a short review but I forgot so here it is now. Normally people don't write reviews for movies that weren't seen in theaters however I'm changing the rules. I totally wanted to see Pride and Glory in the theater last year but somehow I missed that boat. I'm a big Edward Norton fan, that's the main reason I wanted to see it. I have seen just about everything he has done; Primal Fear is his first film, it's awesome if you haven't seen it yet. Okay I'm rambling on and away from the review.

Pride and Glory also stars Colin Farrell and Jon Voight. I'm not going to bore you with the plot summary, you can read that on IMDB. Actually it might be a little tough to talk about the movie without giving you a little plot. For the most part it's about cop corruption and covering it up. Colin Farrell is the corrupt cop and Edward Norton is the detective trying to solve the case. Don't whine, I didn't give anything away that you don't find out within the first 20 minutes. Jon Voight plays Norton's father and retired Captain or some rank that I don't remember at this time (I'm not being paid for this so it doesn't have to be 100% accurate.)

Let's just say part of the movie involves a pissed off Colin Farrell, a hot iron and a crying baby......enough said. This movie is packed with people getting the shit kicked out of them and wild gunfire. If you care this movie was directed by Gavin O'connor who hasn't really done anything else that I know of.

This movie definitely met my expectations. It was very entertaining and I highly recommend it if you are not a brain dead vegetable and if you are well it sucks to be you. I want to apologize to all my loyal avid brain dead vegetable readers, that was uncalled for.
I should of wrote this review last week right after I watched the movie because I don't know what else to say and I've forgotten parts of the movie. Oh well...... add it to your Netflix queue.

Word Puzzle

What is another common 7-letter word you can make out of the word Notices?

Post a comment or email me: reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com

Almost Engaged!!

Nicole and I have been talking about our future a lot lately. Our goal is to move into our own apartment by the spring. I can't wait to get out of my house again and move in with Nicole. We spend every minute with each other anyway so that part wouldn't change. It's the privacy aspect; we have none. I live at home with my mom and she lives at home with her parents. The living arrangements need a swift kick in the ass. I'm ready to start my future with Nicole.

One idea is to transfer to Binghamton University and get a place up there. First Nicole needs to be accepted into their nursing program and then we can get the ball rolling.

This past weekend was probably the strongest our relationship has been. We have been talking about getting married and stuff before but this time was the most serious. I told her I'm ready to propose and get a ring. It gave me such a good feeling just to say and think that. We were at the JV mall on Sunday waiting for her sister to get her hair cut so we took a gander in Zales just for fun. I didn't think we would find anything but the first ring she looked at she loved. It also comes with the matching wedding band for a very reasonable price. It was easier than I thought to find a ring that she liked.

It was and is a big turning point in our relationship.

I get a really good, warm feeling when I think about proposing to Nicole. I don't know when I'm going to do it and I wouldn't want to ruin the surprise by telling you.

You could say that we are in a pre-engagement. I'm happier than I have ever been and I can thank Nicole Ashley Palladino for that. I love her so much.

Tip of the Day

-Do not try to make scrambled eggs in your mom's dryer-

NASCAR Beef

So I got some beef with the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing. It is the biggest waste of our natural resources and a huge pollutant to our environment. Have you ever wondered how much gas they use in Nascar? I don't know the actual number but it's probably a ridiculously absurd amount. I'm sure they are using a high octane gas too and not the cheap stuff. Also they go through like hundreds of tires during each race and tires are made up of oil.

Now aren't we as a country trying to help our environment by making and driving economic and hybrid vehicles? How the hell is Nascar helping with our oil problems? We don't have enough oil to last us in our lifetime but we can waste it on driving in a circle for 500 miles!?!

I don't even get Nascar anyway. How is it fun to watch cars make left turns for like 3 hours? Most people watch it hoping for a crash anyway. I have watched some Nascar in my lifetime and I was not entertained. I will give credit to the drivers though, it probably takes a lot of skill driving inches away from 20 other cars going 200 mph. Maybe I need to be a redneck or have my own ambulance in order to understand and enjoy it.

Of course the government isn't going to get break up Nascar because they make way too much money off of it. Just like fucking cigarettes but that's another post in of itself.

The Truth Hurts

I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this but your Mom and Dad lied to you....

(I bet you were an ugly baby)

It might look a little dirty because I wore it to work...haha

How about a Riddle?

Imagine you are in a room with 3 switches. In an adjacent room there are 3 bulbs (let's say in lamps which are on a regular table), each switch belongs to one bulb. All are off at the moment. It is impossible to see from one room to another. No help from anybody else is allowed. How can you find out which switch belongs to which bulb, if you may enter the room with the bulbs only once?

Riddle me this...

Three people check into a hotel. They pay $30 to the manager and go to their room. The manager suddenly remembers that the room rate is $25 and gives $5 to the bellboy to return to the people. On the way to the room the bellboy reasons that $5 would be difficult to share among three people so he pockets $2 and gives $1 to each person. Now each person paid $10 and got back $1. So they paid $9 each, totalling $27. The bellboy has $2, totalling $29. Where is the missing $1?

Mad Libs Email

This is the first finished Mad Libs story by a reader sent by email.

Ashley unbuttoned her socks a little to show off her earlobes. Mark was jumping on the beer bong when he noticed Ashley's ample geese. Ashley has a crush on Mark and is always trying to get his attention. The marble on Mark's finger reminds him to stop staring at grandma and get back to work. Ashley knows Mark is Jewish but she doesn't care, she wants his bouncy totem pole inside her anyway. Mark loves spanking at work because he gets to see what Ashley is wearing everyday which is usually something smelly.

Mark has had many sexual dreams about Ashley but would never tell his stripper that. The last dream he had they were making love on a quad with everybody watching them. Ashley could have any man she wants but for some reason she wants to have sex with Mark. Ashley drops her stapler on purpose in front of Mark and he gets a good look down her pantyhose. Mark can't take this teasing anymore. He grabs her left butt cheek and takes her into the bedroom where he fucks her against the dishwasher. Mark's wife finds out and eats his balls. The End.

Weird Dream

I had a really strange dream the other night. I was living next to some kind of church where a cult lived. This cult was somehow making everybody gay. They got my family but I managed to escape by jumping into the river and swimming my ass off. I ended up at a mansion on a small island that my brother-in-law Brian was living. I was trying to explain to him and my sister what was going on but they didn't believe me (how could I blame them?) They finally started to believe me when one of his jock friends showed up acting very flamboyant. I'm not sure how they transformed people into homosexuals, all I know is that it was a crazy ass dream.

Now I'm not a homophobe, I have no problem with homosexuals, I just prefer the vagina to the schlong. I wonder what that dream meant? No I'm not gay, if that's what you are thinking. Ask Nicole, she will vouch for me.

Dirty Mad Libs

Remember Mad Libs? You used to do them as a kid. Well here is a dirty Mad Libs for you to try out. Now don't read ahead, just fill in your answers first then insert them into the story and hopefully wet your pants a little. Email me your answers so I can post the funniest ones.



(1) article of clothing (2) part of the body (3) verb ending in "ing" (4) object in your house(5) plural animal (6) circular object (7) person you know (8) one word insult (9) adjective
(10) object (11) verb ending in "-ing" (12) adjective ending in Y
(13) occupation (14) something you ride in/on (15) office object (16) article of clothing (17) part of the body (18) kind of room (19) appliance (20) use punches, licks, sucks, kicks or eats



Ashley unbuttoned her (1) a little to show off her (2). Mark was (3) on the (4) when he noticed Ashley's ample (5). Ashley has a crush on Mark and is always trying to get his attention. The (6) on Mark's finger reminds him to stop staring at (7) and get back to work. Ashley knows Mark is (8) but she doesn't care, she wants his (9) (10) inside her anyway. Mark loves (11 to work because he gets to see what Ashley is wearing everyday which is usually something (12). Mark has had many sexual dreams about Ashley but would never tell his (13) that. The last dream he had they were making love on a (14) with everybody watching them. Ashley could have any man she wants but for some reason she wants to have sex with Mark. Ashley drops her (15) on purpose in front of Mark and he gets a good look down her (16). Mark can't take this teasing anymore. He grabs her (17) and takes her into the (18) where he fucks her against the (19) . Mark's wife finds out and (20) his balls. The End.

The Final Destination.......let's hope it is

Don't see The Final Destination in the theater, it is not worth the $10. I saw it at the drive-in in Poughkeepsie but I didn't see it in 3D so maybe that was the difference. Is that the new thing in the movies now, 3D? Is everything going to be 3D now? Shit man, I can't even see 3D, I have an eye condition where what is suppose to be 3D is just double images, it blows. I'm not writing this to talk about my health, back to the review.

The film was entertaining and had cool death scenes but a sad final chapter to the series. The first one was a lot better and more original. I think they made it just to make a movie. Hollywood needs to stop releasing crappy sequels and start producing quality films again. Some sequels are good but others should not see the light of day.
First off there were no big named actors in it or anyone I knew for that matter so that should of gave me a clue that it was gonna suck. I shouldn't even be writing this review because I really don't have anything positive to say about the movie except it got me out of the house. I can only discourage you from seeing this movie but if you have your heart set on seeing it then rent it on DVD when it gets released. Don't waste your hard-earned stripping money. Your grandma will be mad at you.

Well this didn't turn out to be much of a review at all. Let's hope I do better next time when I see something decent and worth reviewing.

Movie Advice

I'm starting a new segment on my blog. It is going to be a movie advice column. You ask me about a movie you want to see/rent and I will give you a short review on it. You need to ask me about a movie that's not in theaters because I already review movies I see in theaters. Now this is different than IMDB or an actual review because I will be more entertaining and comical, plus I've seen a crap load of movies. The movie advice email, which will act as the new blog email is: reviewsyoucantuse@gmail.com.
Please don't be shy. Ask me about an actor's name or a line from a movie, whatever floats your boat. I will get back to you as quickly as possible, probably within 30 minutes of you sending your query. Have fun with it and I will talk to you soon.

Summer in Rome

Rome, the Eternal City.
Picture it. Italy. 2007. A young college student and her classmates arrive in Rome after an 8 hour flight. They are studying there for 3 weeks, trying to learn the ins and outs of roman culture. Also, they are trying to come back to America as alcoholics.

That's just a little back story. I had the privilege to study abroad in Italy my first summer of college. It cost $4200 to go, and I worked my ass off changing diapers, bedpans, answering call bells, and dealing with psychotic people. My professor informed us we were going to there to study, me and my friends informed him we were going on vacation. Me and my two friends shared a room. We actually lucked out because a chaperon was supposed to be the fourth person in our room but very last minute (in the airport) she was unable to come and we had the room to ourselves.
We had class from about 9am until maybe 3 in the afternoon. After that we were free to do whatever we wanted. Usually what we did was go take a nap after class, wake up, get ready, go out to dinner and then stay out all night until 3 or 4 and wake up at 9 and do it all over again. That is exactly how it went for 3 straight weeks. It was great.

It wasn't just about partying though. I saw some things I would probably never have and don't know if I will again. I hope so. The Pantheon, Coliseum, the Vatican, The Pope himself, the Sistine Chapel, Trevi Fountain, and plenty more. We even traveled to Florence where I saw the stature of David.
Me and my group of friends convinced our professor to give us 2 days off in a row so we could travel to Capri. We weren't supposed to but, we were on fucking vacation okay! We went there and it was beautiful. The water is so blue, the island is just breath taking, and its very expensive. We got ourselves a hotel and stayed overnight. In fact, everyone heard about how much fun we had, and, it is now an official excursion on the trip now. Yeah that's right, I'm a trendsetter.

On another day off, me and my friends also traveled to Pompeii. Yup, the city that was destroyed by a big volcanic explosion years and years ago. We even got to climb that very volcano. Yes. We climbed a volcano and it was amazing. I cant even describe it. It was so beautiful, so breath taking, so awesome. Words cant describe it. Everyone should see it once. That picture actually was taken at the very top and u can see the inside wall of the volcano. Pretty sick. Words cant even describe it, just go.
I cant wait to go back, God willing, I will. I want to go with Jamie. I want to show him all the things I saw because I think he would really love it. I WILL go again. Someday.. The point of the story is: travel. Travel near and far, I want to go so many places. Shoot, I even want to just go to Disney world just because I haven't been, (Jamie is taking me). See as much as you can, you never know when it will be gone. I was able to experience centuries of culture and tradition, and I really do hope I get to see much more.
Nicole

Congrats......to me!! "100"

It's official!! 100 visitors to my blog as of today and more on the way. I didn't know what I was doing with this thing but I guess people are enjoying what they are reading or 100 people accidentally stumbled upon it surfing for porn. My new goal now is 200 visitors then who knows, maybe 1000. After that maybe I can start making some money off this thing, I haven't worked this hard for free ever. Thank you to all my loyal readers who made this happen. If it wasn't for you......well, my life wouldn't be that much different but thanks for reading.

MILF T-shirt

Who doesn't love hot moms? I love this shirt, I forgot where I got it. I think it was a Christmas present or something. I do get good reviews when I wear it. It might offend ugly moms though......they need lovin' too.

Not about lesbian mud wrestling.....or is it?

Well I had a hell of a weekend. Nicole has been wanting to go to the drive-in up in Dutchess County so we went on Friday. I hadn't been to a drive-in in years and it is a different experience. 500 Days of Summer and The Final Destination were playing, I had no real interest in seeing either one but it's only $7 for both of them. 500 Days of Summer was a romantic comedy and was pretty good but The Final Destination was a crapfest, cool death scenes but not a good movie.

Did you know that penguins only live in the southern hemisphere and polar bears only live in the northern hemisphere? I learned that tidbit at the Maritime Aquarium in Norwalk on Saturday. I also learned that not all penguins need to be in cold weather, there are African penguins too which is what I went to see at the aquarium. The exhibit was called "penguins on the loose" but it should of been called "penguin on the loose," they only had one waddling around. Their reason for this was that they don't force the penguins, they want them to be comfortable and they also don't teach them any tricks.....fiddlesticks!! His name was Stump and was very cute, check him out in a video: penguins.

There were 9 other penguins in a habitat outside that were pretty cool. I think Wayne Newton has a pet penguin and has a special refrigerated room for it. That would be awesome to have a pet penguin, I'm trying to save enough money to get a giraffe. Not sure how I'm going to pull that one off, the shipping cost from Africa is going to be outrageous.


On Sunday I spent the whole day in Brooklyn at Nicole's family reunion/BBQ. Man, those Latinos really know how to have some fun. I don't know what the joke was but everybody was laughing the whole day. I believe I was one of 3 white guys at this shindig, now I know what it feels like to be a minority. There was tons of food at the bbq, no way I was going hungry. This was no backyard bbq at your grandmas with just hamburgers and hot dogs. There was seafood salad, shrimp kabobs, shish kabobs, macaroni salad, potato salad, seafood rice and grilled corn on the cob which is the best corn I have ever eaten. It seems pretty simple to make, you leave it in the husk, soak it with water and grill it up to perfection.

I organized a touch football game against the family next to us. I think organized is the wrong word, I got bored so i was punting the football up to myself and people just wandered over asking to have a catch and it eventually turned into a game. First play I ended up on the asphalt walkway, don't worry I only got a small cut, I stayed in the game. Now I work out, exercise and stuff but I am very sore all over and I have muscles that hurt that I didn't even know that I had. I don't even understand why I'm so sore, we weren't playing tackle football. Time to get a real massage.

After we left the park we hung out at ummm... somebody's house, some relative I think of Nicole's. The night consisted of all of us sitting in a big circle on the patio looking at dirty pics and jokes on her uncles' cell phones. I didn't know her family was so dirty, I shared a few pics I had but I usually delete texts I get, I never think to save them for future reference. Anyway I got some good jokes to post in the next week. Here is a taste: A man dyes his chest hair grey so him and his wife can collect social security. His wife says, "why don't you go show them your dick so we can collect disability!"

Finally Monday I went and hung out with my buddy Dustin at his grandparents house in Amenia......redneck city. They were having a bbq, the typical kind with burgers and hot dogs and strippers.....never mind about the strippers, they didn't show. Now it wouldn't be a redneck bbq without some horseshoes. I have to admit I do like playing horseshoes, I'm surprised it's not a sport, I mean bowling is and that's for lazy people. Nothing really excited happened except for Dustin's great grandfather hitting on his lady friend, he is a very dirty old man. Talking about getting hookers in Japan back during the war for a pack of cigarettes. A carton cost 80 cents back in the day, that could buy you a lot of ladies.
I used the bathroom a few times and noticed that they were using a cement mixing tub as a kitty litter box, now that's a redneck invention. How big are the fucking cats in that house? There must be small lions living there.

I haven't done that much stuff over the weekend in awhile. I am tired and sore but it was a lot of fun. I need to start taking pics of my adventures. My camera sucks on my phone though....time to get a new phone. Any suggestions???

"Just the cheese" update

Before I wrote this I went outside and peed on the lawn, I didn't have to worry about aiming and it makes me feel more free. This post isn't about peeing I just thought I would share that information.
I mentioned in one of my first posts about the origin of my blog title: "just the cheese." It's from Dane Cook's stand up; Vicious Circle. I have been looking for a youtube clip to post so you can enjoy my blog that much more but I can't find any such clip. If you have not seen/heard Vicious Circle, you should definitely check it out, it's good stuff. I don't want to ruin the joke or screw up the punchline but Dane talks about going to the movies with a girlfriend and she wants some food from the concession stand. She's craving the nacho cheese that comes with the nachos, no nachos, just the cheese. Who wouldn't love a cup full of processed movie theater cheese as a snack? There is more to the bit but I don't know it all off hand.........well I probably do but I'm not going to type the whole thing, go see it for yourself.
I love cheese (even though it blocks me up a little) and I somehow always fit that quote in during the day. If anybody finds a clip of that bit let me know so I can post it on this bitch.

Double Dose of Dirty Jokes

What is the difference between a rooster and Lil Kim?

Answer: A rooster says cock-a-doodle-do, Lil Kim says any cock will do.

Why do cowgirls walk bowlegged?

Answer: Because cowboys like to eat lunch with their hats on.

Thought of the day:

If the plural of goose is geese, why isn't the plural of moose, meese?

Random Riddle at lunch

Superhero Accessory

The new fashion fad for next year is going to be capes. I'm starting my own cape business, now everyone can be fashionable along with magicians, superheroes and eccentric, rich old geezers. I will probably be up and running by the beginning of 2010. Here are some of my different cape ideas:

• Fireproof cape - geared towards firefighters and home safety


• Glow in the dark cape - for clubbing and night time fun


• Waterproof cape - to wear in the rain or pool


• Stain resistant cape - for clean freaks


• Mini cape - for the vertically challenged, kids or don't like full size


• Look at me cape (with lights and sounds) - for attention whores


• Floatation Device cape - in case you're on the Titanic


• Parachute cape - may come in handy


• Bib cape - for the fancy baby


• Groomsman cape - an addition to the top hat and cane


• Purse cape - with pockets so women don't need to carry a bag


• Roll-up cape - rolls up into a pouch like a hood for when you don't need it


• Blanket cape - is thicker for the colder nights


• Advertising cape - market your business


• Animal cape - a penguin would look awesome, it already has the tuxedo

I want to give partial credit to my buddy Dustin Horton for creating these brilliant ideas. We got bored on the way back from a sales conference in Pittsburgh and started talking about capes for some reason. We talked for like an hour about it in detail and were laughing hysterically. I think the monopoly guy could use a nice cape. If you have any creative cape suggestions please let me know. This is definitely going to catch on........well probably not.

False Advertising

This is in the Kohl's break room. I work there and I disagree.

While eating a grilled cheese...

I decided I wanted to write something before work tonight but I can't come up with anything worth writing about. I've been working on a post about movie sequels and prequels that are coming out but it involves a lot of research so I have been putting it off. Hopefully it will be interesting since I've been working on it for a few weeks. I'm planning on adding to it tomorrow. It will be posted...errr...eventually..haha.

I enjoy blogging, it lets me get my thoughts down on "paper" even if they are ridiculous or weird. I'm not sure how much of an audience I have with this thing but I don't care that much as long as a few people enjoy my ramblings. I usually have some good ideas but I fail to write them down or remember them so they just get lost in my subconscious. It is a lot harder to put ideas into words than you think it would be. Talking aloud to myself is easy, then I try to form it into something that makes sense and it doesn't turn out that way. Writers block is a real thing and not just an excuse for the lazy. It would be cool to be a writer but I'm not very articulate or eloquently spoken. Things don't come out of my mouth the way they form in my brain.

I'm not sure I was going with this post, it has kind of gotten away from me and I don't know what direction I was heading in. I think I was hoping that something would pop into my head that I could write about but that did not happen. I'm going to leave you with a quote from Kevin James from The King of Queens. "I use bacon as a condiment!!"

Random Joke at 9 AM

A man walks into his house with a monkey on his shoulder, his wife is laying on the couch. The man says, "so this is the pig I've been fucking." His wife replies. "honey, that's not a pig, that's a monkey." The man retorts, "I wasn't talking to you."

Across the river and through the woods....

If you were wondering how my weekend was in Cape Cod, it was boring. Me, my sister and brother took a short road trip to Harwich Port, a hamlet of Cape Cod, to visit my grandmother. I haven't been there in four years so it was about time I made an appearance. Don't get me wrong it was nice seeing my grandmother but it wasn't like it was 15 years ago, when I was 10. The weather was pretty shitty going up there and the whole weekend. There was rain, some rain and more rain. Of course it was beautiful on Monday when we left, always happens.

Now besides the weather being bad, my grandmother is 90 years old so there isn't much she can do anymore. We ended up playing Boggle like 18 times to pass the time (I kick ass in that game.) When I wasn't annoying Joe and Jess with my vocab skills, I was watching some preseason football on the tv from 1983. This tv had the buttons on the side next to the screen with the dials to adjust the color, hue, and contrast. It should have been in a museum not in her living room.

We found out that my grandma does not like tattoos, she asked how would we go about removing them. I couldn't even kill time on the internet, she doesn't have a computer. I don't even know if she knows what the internet is. Joe and I got so bored that he challenged me to see who could hold up their left leg the longest off the couch. We figured that we would both only last 45 seconds. Well after 16 minutes we both were in pain and just wanted the stupid contest to end. Joe eventually didn't care if he won and put down his leg declaring me the victor. I'm still paying the price for that dumbass game, my quadricep is very sore.
One of the few exciting things that happened was that I got to enjoy some blizzards at Dairy Queen (a tradition when we visit.) I decided to find DQ using my navigation on my phone, it brought us to the DQ 15 minutes away when there was one 30 seconds down the road. Damn navigator not updating for new locations!!

I LOVE BACON!!

Another riddle

A cube measuring four inches on each side is painted blue all over and is then sliced into one-inch cubes. How many of the smaller cubes are blue on three sides?

Answer: Email me your answer: bluetorpedo84@yahoo.com