Shit Happens

I should of wrote this post on Monday but it's not time sensitive so I don't care that much. The reason I say this is because something happened over last weekend that should of sparked this post right away. I'll show you some pics first and you can imagine what could of happened.....

So my fiance Nicole and I were driving up to see my buddy Jon in Syracuse last Friday. We were about 75 miles away from his house on the Thruway around 6 o'clock with a decent amount of traffic around us. When out of nowhere there were 3 deer just chilling in the road like someone just dropped them off there. We were going 65 mph in the right lane so there wasn't much time to stop. We slammed on the brakes and swerved left (which in retrospect was probably a bad idea if there had been another car in the left lane.) Obviously we hit one of the damn things, we clipped it's ass and it did about $2000 worth of damage to Nicole's CR-V. I don't know what happened to the deer. He's probably in a wheel chair now with a broken coccyx (tail bone) and dislocated legs. I hope Bambi's cousin has health insurance.

I have no idea how we ended up hitting Bambi's cousin seeing how there were cars behind and in front of us and we were in the right lane. These deer were walking from the left side of the road and somehow maneuvered through traffic right in front of us. I think some guy with a tractor trailer is dropping off deer on the highway at random points, dude if you are reading this, you are an ASSHOLE!! The only good news is that the car was still drivable minus a headlight and part of the bumper.

A trooper stopped to help us and he was definitely related to Barney Fife and Gomer Pyle. He was dumb and didn't know what to do. He asked us if we wanted a police report. We asked him if we needed one and he said that he didn't know. What a jackass!

The kicker is we had just come from Mavis for 4 new tires and an alignment and now the car is going to be in the body shop for almost a month. Luckily there is collision on the car and Nicole gets to drive a 2009 Camry rental. That car is a smooth ride.

Deer are unavoidable, you are better off gunning for them and fucking them up as much as possible for being in your way. I have hit 3 in my life with 3 different vehicles. I'm going for the record. Anyone hit more than me?

Wet & Shiny

I recently took a trip up to Fishkill to get my car washed at the Foam & Wash. It's a pretty sweet set up there if you haven't been. It's totally automated, no employees to annoy you. You just put in your cash like a vending machine or swipe your plastic and enter the bay at your own risk. There aren't even any stupid tracks you have to drive onto. Just some red and green lights to tell you when to halt or proceed. After the wash it's time to vacuum and shampoo the inside of your car. FANC-Y!

There are also 4 or 5 other bays with all the necessary equipment in case you want to manually wash your car. Lots of doodads and gizmos to play with, I used the foaming wheel and tire brush along with the high pressure water wand. Got the Monte Carlo all shined up and no place to go.

One thing I thought was kinda odd is that it's a 24 hour car wash. Tell me who is washing their car at 3 in the morning? Drug dealers that are also neat freaks? Out of all the things that could be open 24 hours a day, I don't think a car wash makes that list. Rarely do I get the urge to get my car wet at the late hours of the night, usually there is only one thing I urge to get wet........ if you catch my drift. Hell maybe that's the new hangout spot where all the cool kids go to smoke and freestyle. Did they get kicked out of the Shell station again?

I want to go up there at 2 or 3 am to see who is actually washing their car. I will interview them and make it the follow up to this post. Will hilarity ensue? Find out next time: same bat time, same bat channel.

Superhero Accessory

The new fashion fad for next year is going to be capes. I'm starting my own cape business, now everyone can be fashionable along with magicians, superheroes and eccentric, rich old geezers. I will probably be up and running by the beginning of 2010. Here are some of my different cape ideas:

• Fireproof cape - geared towards firefighters and home safety


• Glow in the dark cape - for clubbing and night time fun


• Waterproof cape - to wear in the rain or pool


• Stain resistant cape - for clean freaks


• Mini cape - for the vertically challenged, kids or don't like full size


• Look at me cape (with lights and sounds) - for attention whores


• Floatation Device cape - in case you're on the Titanic


• Parachute cape - may come in handy


• Bib cape - for the fancy baby


• Groomsman cape - an addition to the top hat and cane


• Purse cape - with pockets so women don't need to carry a bag


• Roll-up cape - rolls up into a pouch like a hood for when you don't need it


• Blanket cape - is thicker for the colder nights


• Advertising cape - market your business


• Animal cape - a penguin would look awesome, it already has the tuxedo

I want to give partial credit to my buddy Dustin Horton for creating these brilliant ideas. We got bored on the way back from a sales conference in Pittsburgh and started talking about capes for some reason. We talked for like an hour about it in detail and were laughing hysterically. I think the monopoly guy could use a nice cape. If you have any creative cape suggestions please let me know. This is definitely going to catch on........well probably not.

Across the river and through the woods....

If you were wondering how my weekend was in Cape Cod, it was boring. Me, my sister and brother took a short road trip to Harwich Port, a hamlet of Cape Cod, to visit my grandmother. I haven't been there in four years so it was about time I made an appearance. Don't get me wrong it was nice seeing my grandmother but it wasn't like it was 15 years ago, when I was 10. The weather was pretty shitty going up there and the whole weekend. There was rain, some rain and more rain. Of course it was beautiful on Monday when we left, always happens.

Now besides the weather being bad, my grandmother is 90 years old so there isn't much she can do anymore. We ended up playing Boggle like 18 times to pass the time (I kick ass in that game.) When I wasn't annoying Joe and Jess with my vocab skills, I was watching some preseason football on the tv from 1983. This tv had the buttons on the side next to the screen with the dials to adjust the color, hue, and contrast. It should have been in a museum not in her living room.

We found out that my grandma does not like tattoos, she asked how would we go about removing them. I couldn't even kill time on the internet, she doesn't have a computer. I don't even know if she knows what the internet is. Joe and I got so bored that he challenged me to see who could hold up their left leg the longest off the couch. We figured that we would both only last 45 seconds. Well after 16 minutes we both were in pain and just wanted the stupid contest to end. Joe eventually didn't care if he won and put down his leg declaring me the victor. I'm still paying the price for that dumbass game, my quadricep is very sore.
One of the few exciting things that happened was that I got to enjoy some blizzards at Dairy Queen (a tradition when we visit.) I decided to find DQ using my navigation on my phone, it brought us to the DQ 15 minutes away when there was one 30 seconds down the road. Damn navigator not updating for new locations!!