Reviews You Can't Use

 

RE-POST FROM 2011


Fast Five - I know I waited too long to review this one but I don’t care. Maybe my review will sway you to rent or buy the DVD. I didn’t get my hopes up in seeing this movie since it was the fifth movie of the Fast and Furious series. I have to say I was blown away. It is the best Fast & Furious since the original. Very action packed plus it had The Rock in it and how can you go wrong with that? I gotta tell ya, if I had a vagina I would get all hot and sweaty watching Vin Diesel and The Rock (or Dwayne Johnson for all you non wresting fans) duke it out. Maybe they have a kissing scene in the movie. You won’t know until you see it.

The Hangover: Part 2 – Obviously this one can’t match what the first one had but it was still pretty funny. I think a lot of people are being too critical of it. The only thing I didn’t like is that Justin Bartha got the short end of the stick again. They must have caught him stealing the boom mic or something. I heard they are already in the process of making The Hangover: Part 3. If they try the hangover plot again then it will suck. They need to do something totally different in order to be awesome.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides – Johnny Depp is always awesome in whatever he is in and you don’t have to see the first three to enjoy this one. As an added extra for the guys and lesbian, Penelope Cruz looks hot in it. See it, don’t see it, I’ll sleep at night either way.

Now what if Alan from The Hangover somehow stumbled upon The Black Pearl from Pirates of the Caribbean? This is how I think it would play out.

Jack Sparrow finds Alan sleeping in his bed, he nudges Alan with his boot.

Jack Sparrow: What is the meaning of this? Who are you?

Alan: (mumbling in his sleep) No, mom, I want scrambie eggs, not fried.

Jack kicks him harder and Alan falls out of the bed. Alan wakes up.

Alan: What? Where am I? What did you do with Phil?

Jack: You are aboard the Black Pearl. Who’s Phil?

Alan: Phil is one of my best friends. I’ll sing the song in a minute. What did you do with my pager? What if Phil was trying to get in touch with me?

Jack: I don’t understand what you are saying. How did you get aboard my ship and into my bed?

Alan: I don’t know. All I remember from last night was there was a lot of drinking and a monkey. Why are you dressed like a pirate? Are you in some sort of play?

Jack: I’m Jack Sparrow.

Alan: Who? Do you do Disney on ice too?

Jack: I am Jack Sparrow, Captain of the Black Pearl. He pulls out his sword for emphasis.

Alan: Cool sword, do they give that to you or do you have to buy it yourself? I have my own light saber but it’s at home.

Jack: Crew, tie this idiot to the main mast.

Alan: I get to be in the show? Thanks Pete.

Jack: My name is Jack, you idiot.

Alan: Sorry, Jack, I’m not good with names.

Jack: Never mind, don’t tie him up. Just toss him overboard. I can’t take another minute of his mouth.

Alan: Way to stay in character. You are a good actor. I tried to be an actor once, I went by the name Jonathon Bobbit but everyone always laughed when I told them my name so I never got any callbacks.

Jack: Throw him overboard before I stab him to death first.

The crew lifts Alan up and prepares to throw him overboard

Jack: Any last words?

Alan: Do you have a Jack in the Box around here? I’m starving.

Jack: Throw him over

To be continued….

Find out another week what happens to Alan.