I Got Good News and Gooder-er News

The good news is that this blog has 100 fewer calories and 4 grams less fat, so take a few extra bites if you want. The gooder-er news is that I am guest posting over at THE INVISIBLE SEDUCTRESS today along with another blogger buddy, RawknRobyn. You will laugh, you will cry, you will hopefully pee your pants a little. The topic at hand is the controversy regarding Pluto and Goofy. Want to know more? Hop on over there by clicking HERE or HERE but not HERE.

If for some reason you are too lazy to click on a link then scroll back a post and read my Monday Minute.

Monday Minute: My Turn

Cristy over at Is There  Doctor in the House? is letting me host the Monday Minute this week. She put out an open invitation in her last post asking if anyone wanted to come up with questions and I jumped on the chance. All the questions you see here are from my own noggin'.

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My Questions:

1) Would you rather be stuck on a bumpy roller coaster while having to pee extremely bad OR be stuck on a crowded elevator with really bad gas with co-workers?

2) What is the one thing you miss most from your childhood?

3) If aliens exist, what do you think they look like? (describe)

4) Would you rather discuss your body weight or your salary with people that you know?

5) If you were stuck in a predicament like in the movie Alive, could you revert to cannibalism? If so, how would you feel about eating your deceased friends and family?

6) People that are born blind, what do they dream about? Sounds?

My Answers:

1) I would have to pick the elevator. I would be afraid that my bladder might explode on the roller coaster plus I like the smell of my own farts (they smell like a spring meadow).

2) I miss my imaginary friend Gordon. He was attacked and killed by a swan.

3) They have Tom Arnold's head, Roseanne Barr's body before the plastic surgery and the voice of Fran Drescher.

4) They are both the same number, 185, blogging doesn't bring home the bacon.

5) I wish my family was a little chubbier, I'm not going to get much meat from them.

6) All they dream about is James Earl Jones' voice when he played Mufasa in The Lion King.

If you want to participate either link up to your own blog with the answers in a post or leave them in a comment. Make sure you go visit Cristy's blog to show the real hostess some love.

Mr. Peanut vs Mr. Monopoly

It's about time we decide which lovable character looks better in a cane and top hat. I list some pros and cons about each of them and then you decide who is better based on whatever criteria you want to use.

MR. PEANUT

Pros

•  Is the mascot for an entire company
• Uses his cane to rescue kittens from trees
• Knows how to rock a monocle
• Can speak 11 different languages
• Has never cheated on a test
• Was once the mayor of Fargo, North Dakota
• He tastes delicious

Cons

• He has high blood pressure from all the salt
• Carries around pornography under his hat
• Never learned how to ride a bike
• Sexual harasses women, men, plants and goldfish, especially at work
• Can't grow facial hair
• Has battled with bulimia most of his life
• He doesn't actually need the cane, he is not handicapped, only pretending to be

MR. MONOPOLY

Pros

• Sports a sexy mustache
• Can recite the alphabet backwards while gargling milk
• Owns the rights to the best selling board game
• Still has all his own teeth
• Had sex with Marilyn Monroe before JFK
• He is the 14th richest man in the world
• Gives blood every month

Cons

• Never washes his hands after using the bathroom
• He beat up Wilfred Brimley for no good reason
• He smells like pickles and burnt toast
• Gave Marilyn Monroe an STD
• Hasn't made monopoly 3D yet
• Trips people with his cane for fun
• Has never seen the movie E.T. the Extra Terrestrial

Time to vote for your favorite cane-wielding-top-hat-wearing character. All the votes will be counted 3 times for accuracy. Absentee ballots for those of you in space are not being accepted at this time.

Urinal Etiquette

This post is from the beginning of the year. I don't think anyone read it. I will have a fresh new post for tomorrow or Friday. Enjoy!


Do women know about urinal etiquette? Does every guy know all the rules? I have this game on my ipod touch called the urinal test. It is a pretty silly game but it's fun and gets lots of laughs. Basically there are 7 urinals and some of them are occupied, which one should you take? The basic idea is that the distance between users should be maximized, at the same time minimizing a newcomer's chance of getting too close.
Every guy has been faced with a predicament where he has to choose which urinal to do his business at. I hate it when the urinals don't have the dividers between them and you hope the guy next to you isn't staring at your junk. I also hate when the only urinal available is the low one made for little kids and hobbits. And what is with the ones that go all the way to the floor? I'm not a big fan of peeing on my shoes. You also have to watch out for the random splatter affect that boggles the minds of scientists. You will start peeing and all of a sudden it mysteriously shoots back at you.
The number one urinal rule is: if I'm holding my dick don't talk to me. That's a big no-no. For some reason some of you guys out there think it's okay to make idle chitchat at the urinal but you are incorrect. The only acceptable time is when you are both washing your hands and/or drying them. Please follow all rules of urinal etiquette. You will not be asked a second time.

Monday Minute: Episode 46

(1) What's for dinner tonight?

A box of Cheez-It's, 12 marshmallows, 3 boiled slugs, crumbs from the bottom of the toaster and a glass of hot sauce.

(2) Have you ever been stung by a bee or a wasp?

No, but I was once stung by a rhinoceros.

(3) What time do you go to sleep every evening?

Zombies don't sleep.

(4) What's your favorite ice cream flavor?

Porcupine quill swirl.

(5) If you could have one power, what would it be?

Never have to pee or poop ever again. 

Make sure you go check out the new Man-Cave. Geof relaunched his blog. He ditched the "Enter" and now it is just The Man-Cave. Go check it out HERE.

New Game Show

Welcome to the Celebrity Marriage Game Show. I ask a celebrity couple that has been married at least a few years some questions to test how much they know about each other. With us today are Roger and Jessica Rabbit from the hit movie Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

PTM: Roger and Jessica, I asked both of you questions back stage. We are going to see how well you know each other. I am going to ask the questions again and you will reveal your answers. It's sort of like the newlywed game but for couples that have been married awhile. Let's get started.

PTM: Roger where did you two have your first kiss?

Roger: Oh it was j-j-just so special, I snuck in while she was performing and put something in her drink, they said it was a "sugar" pill,, she fell asleep like an angel, I sm-sm-smelled her pits and got some sugar!

Jessica: I can’t believe you said that, my bunny! (Whacking him on the head with the card) It was at the playboy mansion, remember? You had a tequila carrot shot, and I had you.

PTM: What is Jessica's favorite food?

Roger: Jessica is rather fond of the Smorgasboard restaurant in Toontown, it's all she can eat pickled platypussss, it tastes like chicken.

Jessica: (Glaring at Roger) What’s wrong with you? You know I’d do anything for your chocolate covered carrot, darling!

PTM: What is Jessica's bra size?

Roger: (holds paws out, does back flip) Rogersized!!

Jessica: My bra is a one-size-fits-all, sugar.

PTM: What is Jessica's favorite sexual position?

Roger: The neighbor recommended one that he thought she might like, I have not tried it yet, it has feathers and ju-ju bes.

Jessica: I always liked churches, ministers, and the basic missionary. Anything else confuses him. As you can tell, he’s a bit of an idiot.

PTM: If Jessica were to describe you in two words what would they be?

Roger: Pellet dropper.

Jessica: Long eared, hare brained, and sexy as any long eared, hare brained guy could be.

PTM: Who is Jessica's celebrity crush?

Roger: Some guy who's blog she reads, he's some kind of breakfast chef/superhero.

Jessica: Jack Black revs my engine. Once you go Jack.,,.well, it’s getting real hot in here, honey.

PTM: Would Jessica sleep with me for $1000?

Roger: Maybe if you were a breakfast chef/superhero? She likes to call me her "waffle toast guy" sometimes, shes s-s-so silly

Jessica: No. You’re cute for Powdered Toast and all, but I prefer to get my bunny hopping – if you know what I mean (Wink, wink).

_________________

 

PTM: What is the first thing that attracted you to Roger?

Jessica: His long, erect ears. I think he was excited to see me.

Roger: She loved my long erect ears

PTM: What is Roger's favorite cartoon?

Jessica: Me, silly.

Roger: Simon Says

PTM: How many licks does it take Roger to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

Jessica: Oh, we like that game! He’s fast. Roger does it in 3 licks. I do it in 2  (Wink. Wink).

Roger: I love soda and sticky tape!

PTM: Who is Roger's least favorite Spice Girl?

Jessica: Vanilla Spice. He says she isn’t a real singer.

Roger: Dirty Spice! Or was that Xtina Aguilera?  (Eyes pop out of head) Zowzerzzzz! She's beautiful, no matter what they say, words can't bring her down!!

PTM:: What does Roger think your best feature is?

Jessica: That’s a really hard one, really hard. (Giggle. Giggle) My buxom, supple pinkie toes.

Roger: CaZONGAS!!!!!!!!

PTM: What is Roger's favorite sexual position?

Jessica:  Yes, my Roger’s in favor of sex. He just needs to turn the GPS on first to find his way around. 

Roger: The ones where she joins me wearing a Michelin Man costume and a can of fix-a-flat. I love air!

PTM: What is Roger's biggest phobia?

Jessica: Chuck E. Cheese. Can you blame the guy?

 Roger: Anvils being dropped on me.

PTM: You two have been married over 20 years and it doesn't seem like you've ever met. I think you had one matching answer. Jessica, I think you have hypnotized Roger with your cazongas. The puddle of saliva is getting too big for the maintenance staff to keep up with. Well that's our show folks. Come back next time where we will have another celebrity couple to harass....err question.

I would like to thank RawknRobyn and Invisible Seductress for playing the parts of Jessica and Roger Rabbit. Robyn was Jessica and Seductress was Roger. Great answers ladies. Go give them some love now.

 

Monday Minute: Halloweenie Style

Go jump over to Is There a Doctor in the House? to join in on the fun.

What did you dress up as your first Halloween?

I dressed up as a sperm entering an egg.

What has been your favorite Halloween costume of all time?

When I was 20 I dressed up in my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume from when I was like 7. It was a snug fit but I was an awesome Leonardo.

Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes but only because Patrick Swayze's acting is so believable.

What's your favorite holiday of the year?

It's definitely National bring your pet guinea pig to work Day. I get so excited abut that one that I almost pee my pants. 

What's your favorite fall dessert? 

Leaf Pie. The ingredients are very simple, two parts leaves, one part pie.