Dumb things kids do

I just have one random story to share with you from my childhood. It will be quick and painless so stop your moaning. It's not a long story and I think you will find it amusing. So back when I was about 12 or 13 my mom was having a shindig over at our house with friends and family. I decided that I wanted to play a prank on one of the adults by shaking up a can of beer and watching it spray all over them when they opened it. After shaking it up real good I remembered an episode of The Simpsons where Bart when through tremendous efforts to shake up Homer's beer. Bart even used a paint shaking machine to shake the beer. In this episode when Homer opened the beer it exploded and blew the roof off of the house. At the time I was young and naive so I thought this could actually happened. For fear that the shaken beer would explode in a fiery ball, I ran into the woods with it and buried it near the bank of a pond where no one could find it. Years later I remembered that I did this and went searching for the buried beer, alas, I could not find it.

Maxim cheating advice

I was lucky enough to sit down and talk with former President Bill Clinton and he had a lot to talk about. We don't have the time to go over everything we talked about but he did leave me with some advice. I give you, in no specific order, Slick Willy's guide to cheating on your spouse. Warning: The tips below are not the opinions of Powdered Toast Man or anyone affiliated with Just the Cheese. We do not condone or endorse the following information. It is solely promoted by Bill Clinton.

1) Do not leave bubble wrap lying around on the floor of your house or apartment. It makes it difficult to sneak back into the house after tapping some ass.

2) Do not text or sext your mistress or gigolo while you are having relations with your significant other.

3) Do not get involved with glitter, it is impossible to wash off and stays with you for weeks.

4) When receiving fellatio or cunnilingus in your office make sure the door is securely locked.

5) Do not babysit for the person you are having an affair with. It arises suspicion and poses too many questions.

6) Always sign a prenuptial agreement.

7) When thinking of baby names disregard the names of the hooker's you slept with.

8) Having two wives/husbands that don't know about each other only works on TV.

9) Deny, Deny, Deny.

10) A tattoo of a woman's name that is not your wifes' is suicide.

Advisory: Any interest in these tips by Just the Cheese staff is only for amusement. We are in no way consenting that these are good tips.

Pros & Cons: Bacon

BACON

Pros

Has a PhD in deliciousness 

Has improved salads by 155%

It single handedly stopped the Cold War

Has greatly improved the image of the turkey

Helped Bill Clinton become president

Turned the economy around after The Great Depression

Along with ketchup helped hamburger kick it's coke habit

Chili's Triple Thick Bacon

Always lifts the toilet seat up

It's bacon

Cons

Clogs the arteries

Gives you the meat sweats

Introduced Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky

Shrinks when you cook it

Not toaster friendly

Has a prostitution addiction

Taught Lindsay Lohan how to drive

You can never get enough

Doesn't wear a condom

Watches Jersey Shore

Missed Connections

The missed connections are real. I took them straight from Craigslist. The replies are my creation.


Class - m4w


Missed Connection - We have a couple classes together and we have had class together in past. Sometimes we sit by each other. I just wanted to let you know that I think you are really cute, you have this look about you, it is different but really sexy. 


Reply - Are you talking about my glass eye? No one has ever told me it was sexy before. I lost it in a fight with my brother over the last hot dog at dinner. Want to grab a breakfast burrito at 7-Eleven?


Buying gas with change this morning - m4w


Missed Connection - You were petite and very good looking in line in front of me purchasing fuel with a bagful of change, hope you see this, and i hope you werent looking at me because i had something on my face or a booger or sumthing....anyways, your cute! 


Reply - U thunked I were cute? Dat iz so swet. I founded dat monies on der grownd all ober da plaic. U did haf a boogie in yer nose. I thunked it were funnie. I like putty tats!!


Chinden Trailer Park - m4w


Missed Connection - I drove by and you were putting up pink flamingos in your yard. You caught my attention because you were wearing bright pink spandex and a tank top. My truck was so muddy you asked if you could wash it. I couldn't take my eyes off your missing tooth, and couldn't wait to get closer to that mouth. You make my pants tight when I think about you and want to see you again. I want to see your toes too. I love toes. 


Reply - Are you serious dude? Are you talking about my wife? Is that how you pick up chick by telling them you want to see their toes? Get a life you fucking loser. I'm the reason she is missing that tooth and if you come near our trailer again I will beat your ass with one of the flamingos. 


In your own heart - m4w


Missed Connection - ...you know what you did wrong. You betrayed me at Thanksgiving through a curtain
of lies and deceit. After everything we had gone through as friends and you tossed it aside
like it was nothing.
No wonder your ex left you. No wonder you have so few friends. 

I forgive you but you are not a very good person.
Karma will bite your ass...hard, and yet I will always
keep my promise to you...to protect you when you need it.
Why?
Because I'm a good man.
Much better than you deserve.

Reply - That is no way to speak to your grandmother. Just for that, I am not giving you any money for your birthday or Christmas this year. You think long and hard about what you did. I will be waiting for a phone call with your apology or I am telling your mother. 

Subway vs Quiznos

We have all wondered, which is the better sandwich franchise, Subway or Quiznos? Let me be the first person to tell you that you cannot base your decision on taste alone. Here are 10 not so well known facts about each of the dueling franchises.

SUBWAY

1) It was the first sandwich to be eaten on the moon.

2) The lite mayo is 1/3 part Jared Fogle's semen.

3) They reuse lettuce from the garbage.

4) Jared Fogle is their personal assassin. He has killed approximately 91 people that have bad mouthed Subway.

5) One dollar from every sale is donated to Lindsay Lohan to pay for driving school.

6) Red Heads are charged an extra 4% tax.

7) All the vegetables are bought from a bodega in NYC.

8) The chicken breast is 40% turkey.

9) Some of the Keebler Elves help with making the bread.

10) Three babies were named Subway in 2009.

QUIZNOS

1) About 85% of their employees have or have had a serious crystal meth addiction.

2) If you are not fully satisfied with your meal and you call customer service to complain, they will send over a prostitute to your house free of charge.

3) Can't tell you how, but they are linked to the Watergate Scandal.

4) All employees are forced to get "Mmmmm, toasty" tattooed somewhere on their body.

5) The word Quizno is Thai for erect pickle.

6) Are involved in a lawsuit with Chili's for the patent of triple thick bacon

7) Hulk Hogan briefly worked there in the summer of 2006.

8) They are currently working on a board game.

9) There is a sign in the bathrooms that states the employees have the option of washing their hands.

10) Too much ranch is what caused Wilfred Brimley's Diabetes.

Now based on your new knowledge, which is the better franchise?

Pizza Pizza

Well you may or may not know but Pizza Hut has come out with a new pizza, a stuffed crust pizza with hot dogs. That's right, the pizza crust is stuffed with hot dogs. Whether you like or dislike the idea is besides the point. The important thing is that I was able to infiltrate Pizza Hit headquarters and steal the stuffed crust brainstorming folder. Here are the ideas that launched and failed or never make it off the drawing board.

STUFFED CRUST IDEAS

• Tuna Fish
• Jelly Beans
• Butter
• Maple Syrup
• Lucky Charms
• Jello Pudding
• Sushi
• Brussel Sprouts
• General Tso's Chicken
• Salt
• Cocaine
• Cole Slaw
• Pumpkin Pie Filling
• Bubble Gum
• Fruit Roll Ups
• Live Worms
• Helium
• Pop Rocks
• Raisins
• Tooth Paste
• Coffee

I have to say, that Jello Pudding idea doesn't seem that bad.

-

WTF?!?!?!

I think my brain is sabotaging my blogging career. I want to write things but it tells me it doesn't have any good ideas. I tell my brain that I have plenty of ideas stored as drafts. My brain is being a stubborn asshole. I am going to hit it with a frying pan soon. Maybe my run at blogging is over? I hope not. I miss it but can't seem to get started again. I have the time but lack the drive. I will just call this an unexpected hiatus. Don't count me out yet. I know I have something up my sleeve.