He Told Me To Do It

I downloaded a Chuck Norris Facts app on my phone. I should do a review of my new phone, it's the Droid 2. I will work on that another day. This post is about Chuck Norris. He might get angry that I started a post about him and didn't finish. I wanted to share some of the crazy facts on this app. I found them funny. Tell me what you think of them.

Disclaimer: Some of you might have heard them already and some of you don't give a crap about Chuck Norris. To this I say, I don't care, read them anyway.

Chuck Norris counted to infinite twice.

Chuck Norris wipes his add with duct tape.

If you look under China it says 'Made by Chuck Norris'.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly it affects the economy.

Chuck Norris' beard can grow a mustache.

Chuck Norris beat angry birds on a rotary telephone.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands.

Chuck Norris rhymes with orange.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris doesn't tea bag the ladies, he potato sacks them.

Michael Jordan wears Air Chucks.

Chuck Norris gargles with peanut butter.

Chuck Norris planted the idea for the movie Inception.

Chuck Norris once smoked a cigarette. The cigarette got cancer.

Chuck Norris killed two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris receives mail on Sundays.

Chuck Norris had sex in a semi truck. Some of his semen got infused with the seat. The truck is know known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris is the only man that can give a girl a boner.

Chuck Norris can rape you during phone sex.

As a side note, I will be starting up Trivia Corner again next week. So get those thinking caps on real tight.

Inside the Actor's Studio

Today we have a special guest in the studio. Appearing for his first interview ever, give a warm welcome for Jason Voorhees. (Very few applause, shock on everyone's face)

PTM: It is nice to have to hear Jason. Is it alright if I call you Jason or do you prefer Mr. Voorhees?

Jason: You can call me whatever you want...just don't call me late to a slaughter. I'm sorry I know that was a bad joke. But you know that I am not known for my humor.

PTM: Now Jason you have appeared as the main character in the Friday the 13th series. That must have been very lucrative for you. How have you spent your money?

 Jason: Sadly I did not spend my money wisely. While I originally had plans to invest in the stock market, I wound up spending a large portion to acquire Crystal Lake from the previous owners and perform some upkeep on a yearly basis. Even though I say "some" upkeep, the camp is damn near 100 acres, so it gets pricey. Add in the marketing and advertising to keep importing kids to this camp to slaughter every summer and then add on the payola and hush money I pay out to the local authorities to keep these killing sprees under wraps and I am in the red by year's end. Oh and don't forget my coke habit. Why do you think I wear the same clothes all of the time and live in that ghetto ass shack? I mean, I would love to get one of those new age hockey masks with the cage, but I just don't have the bread.   

PTM: Out of all the movies including the one with Freddy Kruger, which Friday the 13th is your favorite and why?

 Jason: Great question! I would have to say the 8th installment, Jason Takes Manhattan, but for selfish reasons. I have always wanted to visit New York and that was my one and only chance. The producers put me up at the Plaza, took me to Nobu and I brought the sun up at Marquee with my co-star Dansen Jaggett, who is a bit of freak if you know what I mean,

PTM: What was the deal with Jason X? Were you in desperate need of some cash? I mean my 90 year old grandmother could of made a better script.

 Jason: Well Mr. Toast Man, after The Final Friday in '93, I hit a rough patch in my life. In Hollywood, if you are out of sight, you are out of mind. People stopped talking about me and stopped dressing like me for Halloween. And then that asshole Kevin Williamson made Scream , which established a new horror icon in Ghostface and left me as an afterthought. I missed the attention and all of the parties that go along with it. So I fell in with some bad people and turned to drugs and booze as a full-time hobby. And that can be very costly for someone like me who can never die. I can have a fatal overdose and be back on the horse 20 minutes later. Money was tight when the creators of Jason X came around to offer me the gig. I didn't read the script at all and mailed in my performance. But imagine my disappointment when I found out we really weren't going into outer space. Talk about FAIL.

PTM: Out of these 3 females who would you fuck, marry and kill? Kathy Griffin, Sarah Silverman and Martha Washington.

 Jason: Silverman, Washington, Griffin. Silverman is the hottest so that's a no-brainer and Washington looks a lot like my mother...and you know I am a major mama's boy. So I'd kill Griffin by default...but can you kill something that's already dead? Or should I say someone with a dead career?

PTM: Do you have any plans to settle down, marry and have some kids?

 Jason: Unfortunately I have no dick. It fell off permanently when I was blown apart in Jason X. Just kidding! No I don't want a wife or kids to cramp my style. I am all about the party and banging chicks anyways. Like the great Aldous Snow once said, "I want to get lost in fuck." Wait can I say fuck?

PTM: Sure you can. We don't censor here at Just the Cheese. The only exceptions are Justin Bieber and Philadelphia Eagles fans. I'm going to play psychiatrist for a minute now. Why do you feel it necessary to hide behind a mask?

 Jason: Have you seen my face? It looks like vomit from a cat who ate a diseased rabbit and a whole can of cranberry sauce. More importantly, it really turns off the ladies.

PTM: What is your favorite board game?   

Jason: Clue. But people hate playing it with me. I don't get the whole cat-and-mouse hush-hush deal with the game. I am very vocal and tell other players straight off the bat that I killed everyone in the house with my machete. What are they gonna do about it? I will "slash a bitch" if someone steps to me. Oh and I like Chutes and Ladders too.

PTM: How do you think you would do in a fight against Warwick Davis as the Leprechaun?

 Jason: Haha that's a joke right? Leprechaun is the Church's Chicken of horror film icons. Me...no contest.

PTM: Do you miss your mom? I hear that you kept her decapitated head, is this just a rumor?

 Jason: Yes it's true and I sleep with it every night. I get emotional when I talk about it, but my mom never put up with anyone's shit and always had my back. That mentality got her head cut off and I felt so guilty. If I was just a little older, her and I would be the best man-woman killing team since Bonnie and Clyde. I love my mommy!

PTM: Have you ever visited The Man Cave blog formerly Enter the Man-Cave? If so, what do you think of Geof?

Jason: Ugh. That P.O.S. site? It is about as lifeless as my skin. And yeah I know Geof. He's a talentless hack who can't spell the name Jeff correctly. Don't hang out with him if you want to live long because he's a worse animal then me. And tell him that he still owes me that boat he lost to me in our card game.

PTM: That is all the time we have for today. I want to thank Jason for stopping by and giving us insight into the mind of a psychopath. I don't think I will be able to sleep tonight.

I want to thank Geof from The Man Cave for playing the part of Jason Voorhees. Make sure you stop by his blog and say hi.

Monday Minute: I'm Hosting for a 2nd Time

Cristy over at 'Is There a Doctor in the House?' has been abducted by aliens this week so she asked me to host the Monday Minute for today. I'm sure the aliens are just going to probe her a few times and have her back for next week's Monday Minute. But for now I'm in charge so no chewing gum and keep your hands to yourself (that especially goes for you RawknRobyn and Invisible Seductress).

Seeing how I don't always participate every week, nor do I read every Monday Minute, my questions might be a repeat. If they are, well tough noogies. If you really have a problem you can write a well informed letter to your congressman. If you don't know who your congressman is then ask your neighbor. Okay enough with the chit chat, let's get down to brass tax.

Questions:

1) If you could invent a new animal, what two animals would you combine to create a new one? And what would be it's name?

2) What is your least favorite sexual position?

3) If you could ask Abraham Lincoln one question, what would it be?

4) Would you rather be allergic to bacon or not be able to bathe for 6 months?

5) Which would you rather have as a pet; penguin or giraffe? and why?

My Answers (not to sway your answers at all):

1) Hillary Clinton + Rosie O'Donnell = The Lesbot.

2) Either upside-down lumberjack or swinging python.

3) Did you shave the mustache because it tickled Mary Todd?

4) I can live as a pig while eating some strip o' pig.

5) This is a trick question. The answer is Chuck Norris.


Now link up or leave your answers in a comment.

Weird Laws: Part 11

Here is another dose of weird laws of the United States. I know you love them.

CONNECTICUT

In Rocky Hill it is illegal for any public place to have more than four amusement devices. WTF is an amusement device?!? That could mean anything from Go-Karts to a dildo.

In Southington it is illegal to possess silly string. Because kids mistake it for whipped cream?

DELAWARE

It is illegal for drive-in movie theaters to show R-rated movies. Dammit, when I'm having sex in the car I would like to be watching sex on the screen.

On Rehoboth Beach it is illegal to change your clothes inside your car. Does changing my socks count?

FLORIDA

All doors on public buildings must open outward. It just confuses people otherwise.

The state constitution mandates that pregnant pigs must not be kept in cages. I heard that Miss Piggy go this mandate passed with some support from Kermit and Gonzo.

GEORGIA

In Athens-Clarke County it is illegal to sell two beers for the price of one. What about one beer for the price of two? Or eight beers for the price of one?

In Athens-Clarke County it is illegal for anyone under the age of 16 to use any amusement machine (for example pinball) after 11 p.m. See now this law gives an example of amusement machine.

HAWAII

Most billboards are illegal. That is pretty vague. I bet they allow children to smoke on their billboards.


IDAHO

In Eagle it is illegal to camp or sleep overnight on public property. Where will all the hobos go?

In Eagle it is illegal to sweep any debris into the streets. They said nothing about mopping or brooming it into the streets.

If you want to see the other 10 weird law posts just type in 'weird laws' in the search box on the top of the page. Enjoy!

What Do We Really Know About This Frosty Character?

What is the deal with Frosty the Snowman? Have you ever actually listened to the lyrics or thought about him at all? I have some questions and concerns about Mr. Frosty. If you are somehow not familiar here are the lyrics and his likeness.

Frosty the snowman was a jolly happy soul,
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal.
Frosty the snowman is a fairy tale, they say,
He was made of snow but the children
Know how he came to life one day.
There must have been some magic in that
Old silk hat they found.
For when they placed it on his head
He began to dance around.
O, Frosty the snowman
Was alive as he could be,
And the children say he could laugh
And play just the same as you and me.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Frosty go.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Over the hills of snow.

Frosty the snowman knew
The sun was hot that day,
So he said, "Let's run and
We'll have some fun
Now before I melt away."
Down to the village,
With a broomstick in his hand,
Running here and there all
Around the square saying,
Catch me if you can.
He led them down the streets of town
Right to the traffic cop.
And he only paused a moment when
He heard him holler "Stop!"
For Frosty the snow man
Had to hurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye saying,
"Don't you cry,
I'll be back again some day."
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Look at Frosty go.
Thumpetty thump thump,
Thumpety thump thump,
Over the hills of snow

First off, I think the song needs to be updated. Where are kids finding coal nowadays to use for his eyes? And was it safe for kids back then to be playing with coal?
Isn't him having a corn cob pipe sending the wrong message to kids? What does he need it for? He is smoking one of two things; tobacco or marijuana. Shame on you Frosty for trying to influence our innocent children.
What in the hell does he need a broomstick for? Does he moonlight as a janitor? Is he a neat freak?
Be honest, if you made a snowman and he came to life and started to dance around, wouldn't you freak out and run home to your mom and dad? That is a little frightening. I would not be all excited and follow this strange dude into town. Stranger Danger, Stranger Danger!!!
How come he gets arms and legs if he's a snowman? I don't think the kids added those limbs on him.
Is he anatomically correct?

Can anybody answer these questions??

This Post Contains no Artificial Sweetners

So I inadvertently took a week off from blogging. I had a lot of homework at the beginning of the week and then just forgot to post anything. I apologize for not reading any of your blogs. School and real life come first unfortunately. I have plenty of things to write about just not as much free time to write them. I will hopefully work on them this weekend. I think I might have said that last week in which case I lied...lol. I just got home from work and I am too tired to be creative right now. I will leave you with three Youtube videos I just saw. You have probably already seen them but ya never know. Enjoy and have a super spectacular weekend filled with gum drops and hookers.

What is Santa up to now?

I kind of slacked on the blogging this week. I had a lot of homework to do. Hopefully it will pick up next week. Now go check me out at Life by Chocolate where I am involved in the Mr. and Mrs. Claus divorce scandal. If you want to know more click HERE.