The Internet is Awesome

"Have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion."

I found this on texts from last night and thought I would share it. If you have never been to the site you should definitely check it out. It has some pretty funny and fucked up shit on it

Shallow Pockets

This semester I didn't have any money for books so I had to cash in a government bond that I've had since 1985. Damn crooks, jacking up the prices of textbooks that only change by a page every year. They need to be stopped!! If only we had real live superheroes........................or do we?

To the bat cave!!

Expect Shit

Nothing is 100% in life, anything can happen and probably will according to Murphy's Law: whatever can go wrong will go wrong. I have learned that everyday 50% of the things you do or plan will go wrong. You have to expect shit to happen in your life. You have to plan for things to go wrong so that when they do you are not surprised. I'm not saying to want things to go wrong but life is always throwing us curve balls and most of the time the sun is in our eyes. AND stop worrying about everything, that is going to get you nowhere. Worrying does not solve anything, it's like trying to solve a math problem by chewing bubble gum and it probably causes cancer.

If you expect and plan for obstacles in your life then it will be that much easier to conquer them. No one said life was easy and if they did well then they are an asshole. Life sucks and you have to make the most of it with the time you have. You can take this as advice or some sort of life lesson, frankly I don't care. I am just trying to educate the world one post at a time. I actually have no idea where I'm heading with this, I had a good idea and I hoped that it would lead somewhere as I typed but I'm drawing a blank. Give me a second..........

If I was to offer you one piece of advice it would be to wear sunscreen.

"Driving" Me Crazy

What is the deal with MiniVans? They are either driving way too slow or they are speeding and tailgating on the highway. It has probably happened to you where you are driving on the parkway and a MiniVan comes flying up behind you and starts tailgating the shit out of your car. I have a theory about these MiniVans. I believe that the ones that are speeding are being driven by the husbands who hate having the Minivan so they decide to beat the hell out of them. Now the ones that drive like your 90 year old grandma are being driven by the soccer moms with too many kids.

This theory brings me to my original topic: People do not know how to drive anymore. Today's generation of motorists barely qualify as licensed pedestrians. I don't think anyone knows what the purpose of a turn signal really is or how long you should wait at a stop sign before proceeding. Now I am not a perfect driver, I break the law from time to time and account for my fair share of non-signaling and erratic behavior but I am far better than most of the jackasses out there.
I vote on implementing a new requirement for owning a driver's license. I believe that everyone should have to take a driver's test every 5 years (free of charge of course, the DMV gets too much of our money as it is.) This will hopefully weed out those who passed their first exam by accident. It's a miracle that certain people even received a license. This will also cut down on automobile accidents and breaking the law such as speeding and rolling through stop signs. I cannot stand the dumb asses that are out there on the asphalt. I just want to run them off the road and beat them with a sack of potatoes until they learn their lesson.
Let's drive safe out there............or do you like potatoes that much?

Surrogates review

Are there any students out there that use their student ID to get a discount at the movies? I am among those students. Once again the movie theater is trying to rape us with their so-called prices. For one the price for a student just went from $8 to $8.50 and now it's only valid Sunday through Thursday. That's right, you can't get a student discount on Fridays or Saturdays anymore folks. I, unfortunately had to learn this the hard way last night when I went to see Surrogates with Nicole.
This is an outrage!! I'm no longer going to the movies on Fridays, I am not paying full price anymore. I am organizing a worldwide boycott (well actually just the U.S.) of the theaters on Friday and Saturday, now who is with me? Anyone? Okay a one man boycott is not going to be as effective.

Enough ranting, I started this post to review Surrogates, let's get started.



I have been waiting for this movie for awhile, I saw the trailer for it like 3 months ago during Funny People I think. (If you haven't read my review of Funny People yet you should, it's my first post in August called Reviews you cant use .) No wait that's wrong, it was probably Public Enemies, I don't know, it's not important now. Any who, the film looked really cool and original and it had Bruce Willis in it (you can't go wrong with him.) I had high expectations for this one and it didn't quite meet them. The movie was good but it seemed like there was something missing, either it was too short or not enough action.


Is the future going to have robots that we control with our mind and go to work for us and do our errands? That would be awesome technology to have. However people would become a lot more lazy than they are now with their hover rounds and jazzys. In the movie 98% of the population used a surrogate. You never have to leave your house.....ever, it does everything for you. Even picks up the ladies for you and "entertains" them. Now you can get the basic model with just sight and sound or the fully loaded deal with all the senses, not too shabby. I wonder what the price tag on one of those bad boys is? I'm going to put a down payment on mine now....where did I put my checkbook?

I think my reviews are turning into crazy rants instead of actual reviews of the movies, whatever. I'm probably not going to get Roger Ebert's job anytime soon. You should still go see Surrogates anyway, it was very original and well because I said so, and that's good enough for me. I'm planning on seeing the new Michael Moore documentary/movie; Capitalism: A Love Story, so look forward to that review.

Next time you are at the concession stand at the theater order just the cheese, no nachos, just the cheese.

Joke of the Day

After 15 years in prison, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money & guns but finds a young couple in bed. He snatches the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up & goes into the bathroom. The husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's a dangerous escaped convict! He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to Fuck You, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. I Love You." The wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I LOVE YOU TOO!

Jurassic Park IV?!?

The one movie sequel that would be the best idea is probably not going to be made. The Jurassic Park 4 script has been written already but nothing has become of it. Steven Spielberg has been involved in this project but for some reason dropped it at some point. Jurassic Park and The Lost World were very good but they dropped the ball on the third one probably because it wasn't directed by Spielberg, it was directed by Joe Johnston. Jurassic Park 3 was too short and didn't have enough action, I think they rushed it. They need to finish off the series with a bang. Jurassic Park is one of the most original movies ever and a fourth installment, if done right, would be awesome.

I'm not sure where the movie would take place. Maybe on the first island again? Also who would the cast contain? I think they should bring back the grand kids as adults, that would connect to the original. They should get the original cast back together too: Sam Neill, Laura Dern and Jeff Goldblum. I really hope they decide to make this movie. I'm getting tired of pointless and crappy sequels. If Speilberg knows what's good for him he will direct Jurassic Park 4: The Extinction. Give me the damn script, I'll direct it if I have to.