Monday, February 11, 2013

Battle of the Fast Food Mascots: Round Two

The votes have been tallied for Round One and it was a close one. Unfortunately there can only be one winner. To the next round goes Ronald Mcdonald. Now that we got that out of the way, it is time for the next round. Again I used a randomizer to pick the combatants so it would be fair and legal (damn legal department is up my ass lately and not in a good way).


And as usual I will interview the mascots before they battle to get into their heads. First up is the Colonel.

PTM: How did you become a Colonel?
Col. Sanders: Same way Colonel Mustard did. We both won the grand prize at bingo.
PTM: Can you tell us something we don't know about you?
Col. Sander: I have a twin brother that works for the Health Department. Ironic huh?
PTM: I bet you two get into a lot of arguments?
Col. Sanders: We actually haven't spoke in 8 years. Something about a family of cockroaches in the fryer. I can't quite remember the details. He's kind of an asshole. I don't want to talk about him.
PTM: What is the secret ingredient in your breading?
Col. Sanders: I'll tell ya but you won't believe me. It is actually Pixie dust. I just can't tell you where we get it from.
PTM: You're right, I don't believe you. If you had said Leprechaun tears or Unicorn eyelashes, I might have believed you but Pixies aren't real.
Col. Sanders: You've seen a Leprechaun before?
PTM: Are you kidding? My Aunt Phyllis is 77% Leprechaun.
Col. Sanders: What about the other 23%?
PTM: A mix of Swedish, Wonder Bread and cranky bitch.
Col. Sanders: I don't think your aunt would appreciate that remark.
PTM: You've never met her. And looks like we are out of time. Good luck in the ring Colonel.
PTM: I am a little embarrassed, I don't even know your real name.
Little Caesar's "Pizza, Pizza" Guy: It's Carl, don't be embarrassed, not many people know.
PTM: So what is it like working for Little Caesar's?
Carl: The commute is a bitch, ever try to carry a spear onto a bus? I get jumped at least twice a week by a random passenger. You would think they would eventually recognize me. 
PTM: That sucks. Do you at least get a discount on pizza?
Carl: I do but I am allergic to fake cheese.
PTM: This isn't your first battle on JTC. You once fought The Domino's Noid. Are you two bitter enemies now?
Carl: It's strange but we actually became good pals after that match. We both bonded on how much we love Long John Silvers and Jack-in-the-box. I was the best man at his wedding.
PTM: I didn't realize he got married. Who did he hitch his wagon too?
Carl: It was very hush, hush. They were trying to keep it a secret for as long as they could. He married Elizabeth Berkley. The Noid is a huge Saved by the Bell fan. And she loves his long ears.
PTM: Good for him. So Carl, how are the ladies treating you? You must get recognized a lot.
Carl: I do get recognized but since all I say is "Pizza, Pizza" in those damn commercials, most people think I am mentally challenged. Woman come up to me and talk to me like I'm 4 years old. I don't get any respect.
PTM: Before I let you go, do you have anything to say about the Colonel?
Carl: Your chicken gives me fiery diarrhea, Popeye's is the real deal.
PTM: Thank you Carl. Now go get ready to duel.

Now after you stop laughing please don't forget to vote on the poll on the top left of the blog. Who will come out victorious, Colonel Sanders or Little Caesar's "Pizza, Pizza" Guy? Comments are also appreciated. So is chocolate.


Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I just can't vote for fake cheese...

A Beer for the Shower said...

Look at Caesar, impaling and eating that pizza. That smiles says, "You're next, bitch."

My vote's for the guy with the huge spear.

Baby Sister said...

Haha. Family of cockroaches in the fryer. Nice. :) Hmmm...I think I'm going to have to go for Carl. I just love their pizza!!

Mark said...

I voted for Colonel Sanders because I want to see him vs Ronald McDonald. I'm surprised the last fight was so close.

Cheryl said...

I was ready to vote for Carl because I was feeling bad about him being treated like a 4 year old...right up to the point he favored Popeye's chicken over the Colonel's. The man has no taste.

Birgit said...

Col. Sanders-he is old and Southern so he derves a win besides Pizza Pizza Guyis just too short

Chuck said...

I'm sorry but ever since they came out with the advertising campaign that KFC was a healthy meal...I just can't get behind them. Plus I think Carl would twist on the fake cheese and shove that spear up the Colonel's extra crispy ass!

Pizza Pizza it is.

Shaharizan Perez said...

Hilarious! My vote went to Carl! :D

Adam said...

I remember the noid, one of the worst mascots ever.

Pat Tillett said...

I'm voting for the Colonel for one reason and one reason only. Crap, make that two reasons. Reason #1 Pizza pizza kinda sucka sucka. Now for the MAIN reason it's KFC for me. In Japan, it is exactly the same, but it also sesame seeds in batter. IT IS SO GOOD! Okay, three reasons and three reasons only. I'm from Kentucky...

Tamara said...

Haha...I haven't visited your blog in awhile, it's hard to find the time and I got really sucked into some projects I'm working on.

Now I remember why I love coming here. I'm off to vote for Carl. Sorry Colonel, but I love a guy with a spear.

Al Penwasser said...

Golly, I don't know. Colonel Sanders is dead but Carl is a cartoon.
What to do? What to do?

Jo-Anne's Ramblings said...

I of course would vote for good ole Col Sanders...........only becuase we don't have Carl here in Aus