Simple & Fun Question of the Week

Q: What is your ultimate blogging goal? 

To promote yourself as a writer/author?
To make new friends?
To just get your thoughts down?
You want to write a book?
You started one because everyone else was doing it and you you have no idea where it is going?

Battle of the Fast Food Mascots: Round 4

I thought the last bout was going to be a lot closer but that Chihuahua didn't have a chance against the Cow that can't spell. The Cow will move on to the semi-finals. Now on to the next round. I am letting the mascots in this round interview each other, I need a break.

Vs.

Jared: The first question is an obvious one. How did you get the title of King?

The Burger King: Thanks for noticing. (He smirks and launches into a series of pelvic thrusts). I make home deliveries too. Wink, wink.

Jared: Um, that really didn't answer my question but whatever. What celebrity do you most want to have a Jell-O wrestling match with?

The Burger King: That would be you, Jared. You’re looking real good these days. (He starts salivating).

Jared: Thanks, I'm flattered. If we don't kill each other, we can talk about that after the match. What is your favorite Subway sandwich and why?

The Burger King: You think I’d eat that crap?!

Jared: How dare you speak of Subway that way!! (He reaches back his arm to punch the King).
PTM: Whoa, whoa, save that for the match Jared. Don't let him get to you, keep your composure.
Jared: Sorry PTM, I don't know what came over me. Let's move on. I have a peanut butter & jelly stain in my hallway carpet and I am having trouble getting it out. What do you recommend?

The Burger King: I’d need to see it for myself. Take me to your hallway and we’ll assess the situation. (He tosses off his paper-crown). Oops. Please pick that up for me.
Before Jared could pick it up, Camera Man #3 swooped in, grabbed it and gave it to the King with a huge smirk on his face

Jared: Is there such a thing as too kinky? Where do you draw the line?

The Burger King: My, my. You’re getting frisky. I like it. (He walks closer to Jared and whispers, “There’d be no lines between us, my Subway stud").

Jared: (He swallows hard), There is an old rumor about you having an affair with Laura Bush back in 1993-1994. Can you confirm or deny?

The Burger King: Laura came to me in a time of need. She’d realized it’s true what they say about men with small brains. So I, you know, let her try my special sauce. They don’t call me “king” for nothing.

The Burger King: Who – I mean, what do you eat besides the foot long?

Jared: If the mood strikes me I will have a hearty 6-inch.

The Burger King: You’re looking really good.  (He licks his lips). Are you seeing anyone?
Jared: Yeah, but you don't know him-I mean her.

The Burger King: Do you know that I make home deliveries now?
Jared: I might be interested in a hot beef delivery from you.

The Burger King: What is your fetish with Subway about? Do you like getting Lay’s?
Jared: They pay me millions of dollars to say I like their sandwiches. It is kind of a no-brainer. And I love getting Lay's with my footlongs.

The Burger King: Do you ever eat anything but Subway, and would you like to try my Whopper? (He grabs his crotch. Wink, Wink).
Jared: I'll try your Whopper if you try my spicy 6-inch.

The Burger King: Ever done royalty, Jared?
Jared: Does the Dairy Queen count?


You could cut the sexual tension with a butter knife. I never knew that the Burger King swung that way. I learn something new every day. I forget what we were doing here...? Oh, that's right. A battle is taking place. Please cast your vote on the poll located on the top left of the blog. Will the Burger King or Jared be victorious??

I would like to thank RawknRobyn from Life by Chocolate for playing the part of the Burger King. I can always count on her help and creativity. I just received her book of poems in a blog giveaway and I am thoroughly enjoying it. It's called Just the Right Time. You should check it out. I'm sure she has a link on her blog about it.

So Many Questions and Not Enough Answers

Has anybody noticed a decrease in foot traffic over the past few months or is it just me? It feels like no matter what I do I can't increase number of readers or comments. I have recently increased how many blogs I read and comment on to help increase foot traffic to my blog but I don't feel like I am quite the response I was looking for.

I know that not every blog I comment on is going to return the favor. I know that bloggers might have a ton of blogs they already read and have no room for new blogs or people are just really busy and don't get around to it.  Back in 2010 I was getting a lot of comments and readers, not so much lately.  I did some calculating and figured out that I am getting a crappy return. I have over 300 followers and average about 10 comments per post (which is very weak and I have been trying to pump up those number) which comes down to about 3% of my readers/fans are commenting. I have no idea what the average percentage is out there in the blogosphere but I thing that just sucks.

What my rambling and ranting is trying to say is that I need help producing more foot traffic to 'Just the Cheese'. I promote posts on Facebook and Twitter and I read and make quality comments on many blogs. I try to participate in blog hops and blog fests to bring people over but that only works for a short while.

Am I doing something wrong? Have my posts gotten stale and recycled? Do people that used to read my posts not find them funny anymore?

What do you do to increase your readership and solidify a decent number of comments? Have you noticed a decline in commenting? Do you have any advice that I don't have to pay for?

Missed Connections

These are real missed connections from Craigslist. The replies may or may not be true.

Missed Connection #1:

Bartender at Applebee's - m4w - 38 (Torrington)

I came into Applebee's a few days ago and sat at the bar. From the first time I looked at you I could not take my eyes off of you. I have not been this attracted to a woman in a very long time. I have not been able to get you off of my mind since seeing you. I think you are just stunning with just the right amount of personality and sex appeal. I found everything about you to be absolutely beautiful. I think you mentioned a husband, but I can not be totally sure. I would love to go out for a drink sometime, unfortunately I am sure you will never see this. The day I met you was a special day for some, but seamed like a normal day for us. Let me know what I told you I was going to do later that night. I hope to see you again in the future.

Dear Pervy Bar Patron,

I talk to so many people during my shift that I cannot remember every guy that is drooling over me. If I had to guess at what you told me you were going to do that night it was that you were going to masturbate to a Princess Leia Doll. As a matter of fact I did tell you that I have a husband but only so you wouldn't ask me out. I am not actually married but I do keep a baseball bat with a few nails in it under the bar counter. I dare you to come back and hit on me.

Missed Connection #2:

wanda from foodbag 24 years ago. - m4w (Danbury)

I'm looking fo a female named wanda, she worked at food bag on division st. 24 years ago. Blonde hair, had a little baby.

Dear Desperate for Love,

i've known Wanda for 27 years. I have some bad news for you. About 23 years ago she was arrested and thrown in an Institution for the Criminally Insane for eating her little baby, poor thing didn't have a chance. She spends her days coloring and mumbling to herself. But I'm looking for a good time, call me (555-555-5599).

Missed Connection #3:

You were my bank teller - m4w - 50 (newmilford)

you have worked at my bank a long time,, you told me RED was a good color for me the other day. I know you are married , we talked about me doing some work at your house but you needed to talk to your husband. What bank am I talking about? Thank you

Dear Future Dead Bank Customer,

So you were going to "do some work" at my house? I'm guessing when I wasn't home and wife was alone? I have been suspicious of my wife cheating on me and now I have the proof that I need. I am not sure who you are but I will get it out of my wife. You should be very cautious when going to the bank from now on. If I find out what you look like and I see you talking to my wife, I will stab you in the eye with a pen.

Missed Connection #4:

unhappy lady for youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu - w4m - 23 (northwest CT)

Let me please you I think i have done a lot in my life. You will have to get to know me. Send a picture cause lets be honest there has to be some chemistry between us and I will send one back. Let's see where things go

Dear Unhappy lady?

I am an unhappy gentleman. I would love for you to please me. I don't know who you are or where you live so I am going to mail a naked picture of myself to every household in northwest Connecticut. It might cost me a fortune in stamps but we shall be together. On a similar note can you send me some money for stamps?

BTW, the Fast Food Mascot poll (to the top left of the blog) needs some more votes. If you haven't voted please do so. Every vote feeds 17 starving children in Africa

Battle of the Fast Food Mascots: Round 3

As I am typing this post, the last round is still not over. I know that you are on the edge of your seat about it. I will come back and add in the winner when the poll is over. Now that we got that out of the way let's see who is in the next round. Please there is no flash photography, water color painting or sculpting allowed during the match. Chick-Fil-A Cow versus Taco Bell Chihuahua. I'm going to let the mascots that didn't make it into the battle (Jack-in-the-Box Jack, Bob's Big Boy, Carl's Jr. Star and Long John Silver Pirate) to interview....

vs

Jack: So Cow, how do you feel that Taco Bell uses your friends and family in their food?

The Cow: I've eaten at Taco Bell, it's pretty good. My friends and family would of wanted it that way. Good thing I am protected under the Fast Food Mascot Act.

Jack: I forgot that act existed. So what did you do before you landed the Chick-Fil-A gig?

Big Boy: Is it my turn to ask questions yet?

Jack: Sit down and wait your turn and for Pete's sake get your thumb out of your mouth. Sorry Cow, go on.

The Cow: Well I tried out to be the Ben & Jerry's cow but they said that my udders were too big. Other than that I've been in some Spanish Soap Operas and a few commercials for a Japanese butter company.

Jack: Now it's your turn Big Boy.

Big Boy: Yay! Um, uh, err, duhhh, I can make a sound like a cow, "quack, quack, quack".

The Cow: Sweetie, that is what a duck sounds like. A cow goes "moooo".

Big Boy: Oh, like a horsie. I got it.

The Cow: Yeah sure like a horsie. Are you going to ask me a question?

Big Boy: Why does Jack tell me that I can't eat the blue cakes in the bathroom?

The Cow: I don't understand.

PTM: I think he is talking about the urinal cakes.

The Cow: Oh, well because they are covered in pee.

Big Boy: I thought they tasted funny.

PTM: Ok, Cow your interview ran a little long. Go get ready for the match. You are up Chihuahua.

Carl's Jr. Star: I heard a rumor that you aren't Mexican. Is that true?

Chihuahua: I am as Mexican as Taco Bell.

Carl's Jr. Star: Are you currently seeing someone?

Chihuahua: She probably won't confirm it but Betty White and I have been doing some licking.

Carl's Jr. Star: That is a disturbing image. I am going to pretend I didn't hear that. Have you seen those Beverly Hills Chihuahua movies?

Chihuahua: Other than the hot ass in those flicks they were the worst things I have ever seen. I only saw them to get with this hot guinea pig.

LJS Pirate: Have you seen that Star before?

Chihuahua: I have no idea who he was. He said he works for a chain called Carl's Jr. which is sometimes called Hardees.

LJS Pirate: I think I've eaten there while drunk once. I remember they had nice bathrooms.

Chihuahua: Speaking of bathrooms, I have to drop a big deuce. Are we almost done here?

LSJ Pirate: I haven't even asked you any of my questions.

Chihuahua: Ok how about this, meet me in the bathroom and you can do the rest of the interview in there.

LJS Pirate: Kind of weird but what the hell. Let's go.

PTM: Due to privacy laws we couldn't bring the camera crew into the restroom. I will have to interview the Chihuahua another time.

Please cast your vote on the poll located to the top left of the blog. The Cow and Chihuahua need your support.

This just in, the last round between Col. Sanders and Little Caesar's Pizza Pizza Guy ended in a tie 9-9. To be fair and unbiased I flipped a coin for the tie breaker. Going on to the next round is Little Caesar's 'Pizza, Pizza' Guy!!



Interview with Cupid

I ran into Cupid at a bar at two in the morning so I asked him if he would be willing to do an interview. So after he sobered up he dropped by to chat.

PTM: Happy belated Valentine's Day.

Cupid: What? Who says that? I can understand Happy belated birthday but no one wishes belated Valentine's. Are you a moron?

PTM: Calm down there Cupid, sound like you have some pent up aggression.
Cupid: Duh, ya think?!? I hate Valentine's Day!

PTM: How can you hate it? That would be like Santa hating Christmas.
Cupid: Have you talked to Santa recently? V-day is the same old shit, stupid red Teddy Bears, flowers that die in 2 days and giant boxes of chocolate. I don't understand what chocolate and stuffed bears have to do with love.

PTM: Have you ever enjoyed your job?
Cupid: Yes, there was a time when people just loved each other for the sake of love. Now it is the greeting card companies trying to suck every penny from you. I currently have several lawsuits against Hallmark. Those greedy bastards are going down.

PTM: I had no idea you were this bitter. You know what I never understood, how come it is an arrow that magically makes someone fall in love? That seems like a weapon.
Cupid: To be honest, shooting someone with an arrow has never worked. They are either killed or seriously injured. My insurance premiums are astronomical. I don't know if I'm doing it wrong but I keep trying every year hoping that an arrow with stick in the right place.

PTM: You would think after the first few deaths you would give up.
Cupid: Momma didn't raise no quitter!!

PTM: It must get pretty cold working in February only wearing a diaper thing.
Cupid: You don't even know. My nipples can cut glass right now.

PTM: Those things are quite erect. Would you mind if I touched them?
Cupid: I thought you would never ask, I haven't been touched me in sooo long

PTM: Ok, it just got weird. I just wanted to touch them to see how hard they actually were. You are being a bit too gay.
Cupid: Come on, there is nothing gay about a man with bread for a head touching a man that looks like a babys' nipples.

PTM: If you don't stop, I will have to file a sexual harassment suit. I already had to file one for Rawknrobyn and Captain Crunch.
Cupid: Sorry, I will get it together. Could you at least sent a hooker to my dressing room after the interview.

PTM: If you behave, I'll see what I can do.
Cupid: Thanks PTM, you are an okay guy, I don't care what the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy say about you.

PTM: What do they say?
Cupid: I've said too much. Okay interview over. I'll be in my dressing room. (leaves stage)
PTM: Dammit, where is he going? He never told me waht kind of prostitute he wanted. (runs after Cupid)


If you haven't yet voted on the Fast Food Mascot Battle: Round Two, the poll is up at the top left of the blog. If you vote I will send you 3 cookies of your choice.

Lessons from Captain Obvious

Captain Obvious doesn't get enough credit. If he didn't give us advice that reminded us to do things we already knew, who would? Here is a page from his book of somewhat obvious lessons.


1) Don't play peek-a-boo or Marco Polo while driving

2) Petting a porcupine is a bad idea

3) If you are being questioned by a police officer, don't pee on his shoes

4) When you meet your girlfriend's mom, don't ask her about her cup size

5) Avoid wearing full body armor in a lightning storm

6) Raw chicken does not taste good

7) Do not run around the pool with scissors

8) Sandpaper is not a good substitution for toilet paper

9) Fire is very hot, don't run through it naked covered in gasoline

10) Abstain from getting tattoo advice from Mike Tyson

11) If you are looking to take Driver's Ed. and Lindsay Lohan is the instructor, walk away

12) Don't eat yellow, brown, green, red or black snow

13) If you like getting hit in the testicles, tell your wife she looks fat

14) Do not drive your dad's car on a lake with thin ice

15) Condoms are cheaper than diapers

If you haven't voted on the Fast Food Mascot Battle: Round Two, please cast your vote on the poll located on the top left of this blog. Thank you, your contribution is appreciated.

Battle of the Fast Food Mascots: Round Two

The votes have been tallied for Round One and it was a close one. Unfortunately there can only be one winner. To the next round goes Ronald Mcdonald. Now that we got that out of the way, it is time for the next round. Again I used a randomizer to pick the combatants so it would be fair and legal (damn legal department is up my ass lately and not in a good way).

Vs.

And as usual I will interview the mascots before they battle to get into their heads. First up is the Colonel.

PTM: How did you become a Colonel?

Col. Sanders: Same way Colonel Mustard did. We both won the grand prize at bingo.

PTM: Can you tell us something we don't know about you?

Col. Sander: I have a twin brother that works for the Health Department. Ironic huh?

PTM: I bet you two get into a lot of arguments?

Col. Sanders: We actually haven't spoke in 8 years. Something about a family of cockroaches in the fryer. I can't quite remember the details. He's kind of an asshole. I don't want to talk about him.

PTM: What is the secret ingredient in your breading?

Col. Sanders: I'll tell ya but you won't believe me. It is actually Pixie dust. I just can't tell you where we get it from.

PTM: You're right, I don't believe you. If you had said Leprechaun tears or Unicorn eyelashes, I might have believed you but Pixies aren't real.

Col. Sanders: You've seen a Leprechaun before?

PTM: Are you kidding? My Aunt Phyllis is 77% Leprechaun.

Col. Sanders: What about the other 23%?

PTM: A mix of Swedish, Wonder Bread and cranky bitch.

Col. Sanders: I don't think your aunt would appreciate that remark.

PTM: You've never met her. And looks like we are out of time. Good luck in the ring Colonel.

---------------------------------------------

PTM: I am a little embarrassed, I don't even know your real name.

Little Caesar's "Pizza, Pizza" Guy: It's Carl, don't be embarrassed, not many people know.

PTM: So what is it like working for Little Caesar's?

Carl: The commute is a bitch, ever try to carry a spear onto a bus? I get jumped at least twice a week by a random passenger. You would think they would eventually recognize me. 

PTM: That sucks. Do you at least get a discount on pizza?

Carl: I do but I am allergic to fake cheese.

PTM: This isn't your first battle on JTC. You once fought The Domino's Noid. Are you two bitter enemies now?

Carl: It's strange but we actually became good pals after that match. We both bonded on how much we love Long John Silvers and Jack-in-the-box. I was the best man at his wedding.

PTM: I didn't realize he got married. Who did he hitch his wagon too?

Carl: It was very hush, hush. They were trying to keep it a secret for as long as they could. He married Elizabeth Berkley. The Noid is a huge Saved by the Bell fan. And she loves his long ears.

PTM: Good for him. So Carl, how are the ladies treating you? You must get recognized a lot.

Carl: I do get recognized but since all I say is "Pizza, Pizza" in those damn commercials, most people think I am mentally challenged. Woman come up to me and talk to me like I'm 4 years old. I don't get any respect.

PTM: Before I let you go, do you have anything to say about the Colonel?

Carl: Your chicken gives me fiery diarrhea, Popeye's is the real deal.

PTM: Thank you Carl. Now go get ready to duel.

Now after you stop laughing please don't forget to vote on the poll on the top left of the blog. Who will come out victorious, Colonel Sanders or Little Caesar's "Pizza, Pizza" Guy? Comments are also appreciated. So is chocolate.

Weird Laws: Part 16

I haven't made a weird laws post since February 22nd of 2012. I didn't think it was that long. I need to do these every couple of months. Without further adieu more weird laws from possibly where you live.

OHIO

It is illegal to fish for whales on Sunday. Wouldn't it be mammaling for whales?

It is illegal to get a fish drunk. A lot of them have trouble making it to AA.

Participating or conducting a duel is prohibited. How else do they settle their arguments?

OKLAHOMA

One may not promote a "horse tripping event". It's kind of like cow tipping but with more broken legs.

It is illegal for the owner of a bar to allow anyone inside to pretend to have sex with a buffalo. Why don't they just ban buffaloes from the bar?

Females are forbidden from doing their own hair without being licensed by the state. They have had lots of cases of women suing themselves for not being licensed and getting a bad haircut.

OREGON

Dishes must drip dry. I only own one bowl and spoon. I can't wait that long.

It is illegal to whisper "dirty" things into your lover's ear during sex. Good thing I like to use a megaphone to talk dirty.

Canned corn is not to be used as bait for fishing. Fish don't have the ability to use can openers plus the cans make the fishing poles quite heavy.

PENNSYLVANIA

It is illegal to sleep on top of a refrigerator outdoors. I like to sleep inside of the box in came in.

Dynamite may not be used to catch fish. I use dynamite to catch whales.

A special cleaning ordinance bans housewives from hiding dirt or dust under a rug in a dwelling. My maid hides it in the house plants.

Don't forget to vote on the Fast Food Mascot Battle poll on the top left side of the blog. It's Ronald Mcdonald versus Wendy.

Battle of the Fast Food Mascots: Round One

The votes are tallied and it is very clear who you folks like. Four out of the twelve mascots will not be participating in the battle. Jack, The Long John Silver's Pirate, Big Boy and Carl's Jr. Star will be in charge of cleaning the bathrooms and running the concession stands.

I used a randomizer to pick the first two combatants. Battling it out today we have Ronald Mcdonald versus Wendy. Before the fight gets underway I would like to interview each opponent.

Vs

PTM (Powdered Toast Man): I don't like the name Ronald, I'm gonna call you Ronnie and I don't care if you don't like it. Now for the record, how old are you?

Ronald Mcdonald: For what record?

PTM: The 'Just the Cheese' record.

Ronald Mcdonald: Well in that case it's none of you goddamn business.

PTM: Okay, moving on. Can you tell us something about Mcdonald's that we don't know?

Ronald Mcdonald: When we run out of hamburger meat, we steal it from the nearest Wendy's

PTM: Aren't you worried people will taste the difference?

Ronald Mcdonald: No, not really, it's all the same shit.

PTM: How are Grimace and the Hamburglar? We haven't heard much about them lately.

Ronald Mcdonald: The Hamburglar is currently on trial for grand theft auto and Grimace lives in a Trailer Park in Alabama with The Muppet Babies nanny.

PTM: Have you ever eaten at a Wendy's before?

Ronald Mcdonald: No, but I have eaten a girl named Wendy before.

PTM: Whoa Ronnie, that is too much information. This is a family program.

Ronald Mcdonald: No it's not, you talk about perverted things all the time.

PTM: Do you want to take this outside?

Ronald Mcdonald: I will see you in the parking lot after the match.

PTM: Wendy, I hope you are more cooperative than Ronnie.

Wendy: He sounds like a jerk, I'm glad I get to fight him.

PTM: But you are only a child. There is a chance that you could be killed.

Wendy: I take that chance every time I eat a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger and a Frosty.

PTM: So do you have anything against Ronnie besides him being a jerk?
Wendy: I have caught him on numerous occasions with a prostitute in a Wendy's restroom.

PTM: That is disgusting. I will never get that image out of my head.
Wendy: I have been in therapy for 7 months because of it.

PTM: Let's change the subject. What do you want to be when you grow up?
Wendy: Mrs. Justin Timberlake. He's so dreamy.

PTM: Ahh, that was my dream at one point too. I mean boobs, I like boobs.
Wendy: Closeted homosexual. I knew it.

Time to pick the winner. Please vote on the poll to the top left of the blog. Then feel free to leave a comment on how awesome you think I am. Poll will close on Sunday at 11:59 pm.

Simple & Fun Question of the Week

Q: Do you mix your cereals together to create your own? What is the strangest combination you have put together?

Don't forgot to vote for your favorite Fast Food Mascots to do battle. Poll (top left of blog) will close tonight at midnight. Explanation of the battle is in my previous post. The first battle will commence on Wednesday.