Almost 911 emergencies

911 is only for emergencies. We all know that but there are some special people out there that call 911 when Mcdonalds forgot their chicken nuggets or the Wendy's drive-thru is closed. There are plenty of events and occurrences in our lives where calling 911 would be so convenient and helpful. Such as:

Realizing mid-poop that you have no toilet paper

You have your bowl full of cereal but no milk in the fridge

You stepped on a Lego, barefoot

You think there is a monster under the bed

The remote control is on the other side of the room

It's time for bed but the sink is full of dishes

You are the only one home and you can't open the jar of pickles

Your baby needs a diaper change ASAP

Your 3 year old son keeps asking WHY and you have no more answers

There is a spider on the wall

You can't get away from that annoying coworker

You are at the grocery store without your grocery list

You stepped in a puddle on got your sock and shoe all wet

Wendy's forgot to give you honey mustard for your nuggets

The garbage is full but it is raining out

Your wife needs one ingredient for dinner and she wants to send you out to the store

You stubbed your door on the corner of the bed frame

You are on hour 3 of building your new IKEA furniture

A coworker ate your yogurt that was in the work fridge

You smell a skunk

Out Sick

Excuse my absence this past week from posting, reading and commenting. I have been fighting off a cold and it continues to linger. My brain is quite foggy and the creative juices are all clogged up. I will return to the blogging world once I feel like myself again.

If you didn't notice that I was gone then I am not as special as I thought I was.

Please find other forms of content to make you laugh in the meantime.

Some important questions

Normally I am all about having fun on here but today I'm going to ask some serious questions. I have always wondered about every one's blogging habits and hopefully you will all tell me in a comment. To make you feel at ease I will answer my own questions.

1.) Do you have a blogging schedule? Do you post a certain amount of times each week or is it totally random?

I used to post randomly whenever I had an idea. Nowadays I forced myself to have a strict schedule. I post 3 times a week. I come up with at least one new idea every day. I read and comment  on 20 blogs per day. I also reply to comments via email. 

2.) Do you Blog for fun or are you an aspiring writer?

For 10 years I blogged just for funsies. Now I want to be a comedy writer so I use this as my outlet.

3.) Do you always return the favor if someone comments on a post? Do you always comment after reading a post?

99% of the time I return the favor. I feel like it is blogger etiquette to engage with your followers. I usually try to leave a funny comment on a post. I never just read and leave.

4.) Do you make any money blogging? If so, how?

No, but I want to. 

5.) Who is your all time blogger buddy?

Rawkn Robyn from Life by Chocolate. We compliment each other quite nicely. Alex J. Cavanaugh is a close second. 

6.) Does you spouse or significant other support your blog/writing?

At first, no. It took a loooooong time. People that don't blog just don't understand.

7.) Ask me a question.

Couples counseling: Santa & The Mrs.

I recently took some online classes and now I am a certified couples counselor. I don't get paid as much as a therapist but it pays for my hummus addiction. I don't know how I did it but my first two patients are Santa and Mrs. Claus. I guess they have some free time now since Christmas is still a few months away. I also hear that Santa is pretty cheap and probably didn't want to spend the big bucks on some fancy quack.

PTM: Thank you Santa and Mrs. Claus for being my first two patients. Are you patients? I'm not sure what to call you since I am not a doctor. Would clients be better terminology? Anyway I am going to try to fix whatever problems you two are having. First I will talk to you separately and then bring you back together for a group session. Mrs. Claus I will chat with you first. Santa can you take a seat in the waiting room? There are plenty of dirty magazines and assorted donuts.

PTM: Mrs. Caus, how long have you and Santa been married?

Mrs. Claus: Fifty-eight years, but don’t ask Mr. Claus. His memory went years ago. He can’t even find the bathroom anymore. Thank goodness for Depends!

PTM: Was that a product plug? Didn't know you two sponsored stuff. What is the biggest problem in your relationship?

Mrs. Claus: I always have to spend Christmas alone. You would think just one time he’d send the elves out and stay home with me.

PTM: I never thought of that before, must get so lonely. What is your favorite thing about Santa?

Mrs. Claus: He tickles me. I can’t tell you where though.

PTM: I would do it too but my lawyers said I am not allowed to tickle guests anymore, not since that incident with Hugh Jackman. How would you describe your sex life?

Mrs. Claus: Let’s just say no one’s going up the chimney anymore.

PTM: I wouldn't kick you out of bed. If you were allowed to cheat on Santa with one person, who would that be?

Mrs. Claus: The Easter Bunny. His cousin is the Energizer Bunny, you know.

PTM: Why not the Energizer Bunny then? The Easter Bunny might be done in 3 minutes. What pet peeve of yours that Santa does drives you the most crazy?

Mrs. Claus: When he gets the reindeer games confused with hunting season. Poor little dears. We had to get all new reindeer last year.

PTM: That must be tough trying to find more magic reindeer. Why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children.

Mrs. Claus: Santa brought one home one year after his Christmas flight. Little fella kept running away, screaming ‘You’re not my real father. I’ll never rule the North Pole with you!’ I think a polar bear finally got him…

PTM: Poor little TImmy. What is a secret that the big guy doesn't know?

Mrs. Claus: Gary the elf down in shipping and I have had a thing going on for years now…

PTM: You just said no one goes up your chimney anymore. Unless your chimney is your butt hole. Now it makes sense. Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White?

Mrs. Claus: I’m not that kind of woman, but if it would entice the mister into some fun, I’d be willing to try.

PTM: That's hot. Do you find me attractive?

Mrs. Claus: Actually, with that little toast head, you look scrumptious and good enough to eat!

PTM: That definitely gave me some insight on your relationship. I'm curious to find out if Santa will answer the same way. You can head back to the waiting room now, Mrs. Claus. I hear the Elves are getting restless. Send Santa in please. 

PTM: Santa, how long have you and Mrs. Claus been married?

Santa: Three or five–hiccup—longer than I’ve been gettin’ sloshed on Jameson. Tosses empty whisky bottle at Frosty, who ducks. It hits Mrs. Claus’ tuchas as she’s, uh, tending to the elves.

PTM: Where did Frosty come from? I didn't even see him come in. What is the biggest problem in your relationship?

Santa: That right there. Points at her. She spends gobs of time with the elves. And when I wanna light her tree, she’s all ‘Not now, I’m too elfin tired.’ Man’s got needs!

PTM: You should talk to Gary in shipping. What is your favorite thing about Mrs. Claus?

Santa:  She puts on these fuchsia nip tassels and gets all snazzy vajazzled. That’s when I got yer North Pole right here, ya know? Santa points at his growin’ groin.

PTM: That is an impressive pole you got there. How would you describe your sex life?

Santa: It’s like a bipolar bear. Mostly frigid. But when it happens, which is twice a year (International Hot Dog Day and Yom Kippur), it’s like a flea market gorge fest. Belch.

PTM: Too bad she can only fit one wiener in her mouth on International Hot Dog Day. If you were allowed to cheat on your wife with one person, who would that be?

Santa She’s a little thick and tacky, but I’d take Robyn for a spin any time of year. I hear they’re real too. Santa nudges PTM with his elbow.

PTM: You must mean Rawkn Robyn from Life By Chocolate. Nice choice and I knew they were real!! What pet peeve of yours that Mrs. Claus does drives you the most crazy?

Santa: She measures me when I get out of the shower then busts out laughing, that *bleep*!

PTM: Next time you have to bring him to attention before you get out. Why no children? And don't give me that bullshit that the elves are your children.

Santa: Look at her! I don’t want no STDs. I use protection. Same ribbed condom’s been working for centuries. Guess I’m lucky that way.

PTM: Mrs. Claus has a different story but I'll believe you. What is a secret that the Mrs. doesn't know?

Santa: She has no idea how much Rudolph and I love to go riding. Got a cigarette?

PTM: I can see that happening. Reindeer are kinda sexy. Would you ever have a 3-way with Betty White?

Santa: If she’ll pole dance in the raw with fuchsia nip tassels, sure.

PTM: I will give her people a call after the show and ask. Do you find me attractive?

Santa: I’ve noticed your nice, tight tuchas. I’d like to *bleep* *bleep* *bleeeeeeep* you.

PTM: Santa you are a dirty Sonuvabitch. I love it!! Now go grab your wife so I can talk to you both.

A knockoff version of Jeopardy theme song plays

PTM: You both gave some interesting answers to my questions. For the sake of privacy and that oath I took, I am not going to reveal what each of you said. I hope you both understand.

Santa: Oh no! Not another pregnancy scare?

Mrs. Claus: You’re such a sweet toast boy – I knew we could trust you.

PTM: Santa lay off the drugs. Mrs. Claus thank you for that. Now that we are in a safe space, is there anything you want to say to each other?

 Santa: I just wish you'd wear those fuchsia nip tassels once more for me.

Mrs. Claus: Two days a year? Have you ever asked me on Easter? May Day? I’ll show you some pole dancing…

PTM: I can understand how you both feel. Nipple tassels are the shit. What is one thing you wish the other would do more of?

Santa: Wear the fuchsia nip tassels for me!

Mrs. Claus: Bring me more gifts. The kids get everything. Even if he just wrapped that hot dog of his in a bow, I’d take it.

PTM: Very sexual answers, we are definitely getting somewhere. What is your biggest fear?

Santa: When I can no longer go South

Mrs. Claus: One day I’ll measure him and won’t find anything there…

PTM: Penis, penis, penis. Vagina, vagina, vagina. We have time for one more question. Can you see my nipples through this shirt?

Santa: Can you see my pole through this sack? Santa grabs his crotch.

Mrs. Claus: You must be chilly! I can’t see anything in your pants, either.

PTM: Awesome. After listening to you both I have come up with a solution for your relationship. Both of you need to wear fuchsia nipple tassels. That will fix everything. Now I called Betty White's people before you both came back. She is down for the threesome but she wants to make it a foursome. Apparently she loves toast, if you know what I mean.

Santa: Now we're talkin'! It's gonna be a White Christmas even before Yom Kippur!

Mrs. Claus: Break out the butter!: 

PTM: We are meeting her in 20 minutes, let's go!!

I would like to thank two of my blogger buddies that I've known for 10 years, but have never met in person, Alex J. Cavanaugh and Robyn Engel (aka Rawkn Robyn) for playing the parts of Santa and Mrs. Claus. Alex played Mrs. Claus and Robyn played an extra perverted Santa. 

If you don't know either of these awesome people than shame on you. 

Alex J. Cavanaugh

Life by Chocolate: Robyn Alana Engel's Blog

Pop Culture Questions

I am finally going to answer those Pop culture questions that have plagued us for years. The questions stem from a song, movie, tv show, cartoon, board game, children's book or commercial.

Who let the dogs out? Probably your mom

What does the fox say? The same things as the kangaroo, armadillo, porcupine and electric eel.

Do you know the Muffin Man? Let me think. I know the Cupcake Boy, Donut Lady, Bagel Guy and Crumb Cake Twins. Nope no Muffin Man,

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I need more info to answer this question. Is there a time limit? Is all the wood the same size? Does he/she get a break? Is the woodchuck actually throwing the wood or does chuck mean chew on?

Whooooooo, who are you? I'm a person tired of this question. You never remember my name and I'm not answering it anymore.

Oooh that smell, can't you smell that smell? It's me, I farted.

Are you smarter than a fifth grader? Yes, they don't know where the G-spot is.

Where's Waldo? He is tired of being found. He is at City Hall changing his name to Miguel.

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? She was kidnapped and murdered by Pirates. 

Got Milk? No I don't, thanks for reminding me. Oh, I need eggs too.

Where's the beef? I'm guessing wherever you left it.

Why did the chicken cross the road? It is none of my business.

Do you believe in magic? My wife still has sex with me, so yes.

What would you do for a Klondike bar? Watch two girls, one cup.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? I gave up. I figured out it was easier just to eat a tootsie roll.

It's 10 O'clock, do you know where your kids are? Why are you so curious???

Would you eat green eggs and ham? What kind of ham? Honey? Cold cut? Fresh ham? Is there ham juice?

Where have all the cowboys gone? If you live in a state that is not Texas, they went to Texas.

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Neither, the Rooster came first, inside the chicken to make the egg.

Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? I have no idea but he keeps leaving the stove on.

Are you ready to rumble? No but I am ready to get Jiggy with it.

Dad Jokes

It's Monday so here are some corny jokes to get you through the day.



Q: Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

A: Because he was outstanding in his field.




Q: What does an educated owl say?

A: Whom.



Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

A: Cuz if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.

Chewbacca's Bandolier: Hidden Treasure

Recently I interviewed Chewbacca and got down to the nitty gritty. My question that always tumbled around in my head is what is in his bandolier? He told me it was for his Pez stash but I didn't believe it for a second. While he was taking a shower in the dressing room I opened up the bandolier to see what was inside. This is what I found:

Expired condoms, size extra wide

13 passion fruit lip balms

About 50 bobby pins

Playing cards

Dominoes

Miniature Magic Eight Ball

Sewing kit with only yellow thread

Matchstick boxes filled with white rice

A  mouse skeleton

A recipe for sweet & sour meatballs

Tampons, size medium 

3 Game Gear cartridges, Sonic the Hedgehog, Madden '95 and Mortal Kombat

Travel size floss, tooth paste, shampoo and conditioner

Chinese finger traps

Blue jellybeans

Bird seed

Richard Nixon Pez dispenser

Werther's Originals

Polaroid picture of Han Solo dressed as Batman

Tweezers

All the player pieces to Monopoly

Live frog

Stick on tattoos

Keys to a 1987 Toyota Camry

Soy sauce packets from different Chinese food restaurants

His baby teeth