What's Up?

I haven't posted anything in over a month. And I don't have much to say now so I will leave you with a random thought.

What is the difference between jam, jelly, fruit preserve and marmalade?

You don't see peanut butter come in so many different varieties.

Time for some ranting

I think the one thing we can all agree on is that no one knows how to drive in this country (USA) anymore. I live in Connecticut and there is an epidemic of people running red lights. And I am not talking about just turned red as they were going thru. I am talking about the light being green on my side for 2 to 3 seconds and these assholes are still whizzing thru the intersection. And it is not just one intersection and not just a few cars, it is all the time! The crazy part is that other drivers know about this problem and wait at the green light for a few seconds before going.

And somehow I have not witnessed a single accident. That is what blows my mind. Sometimes there is a whole line of cars that does it. Boggles my brain every time I see it happen.

Another frustrating thing are pedestrians that walk across the street at any old time without even looking to see if there are cars coming at them. Use the crosswalk and look to see if you are going to be hit by a car before you cross. Especially don't run across the road at night. I cannot see you and I will go to prison for vehicular manslaughter.

If you live in Connecticut, please don't be either of these assholes. Good day.

Dirty Joke of the Week

Q; Why are cowgirls bowlegged?

A: Because cowboys like to eat lunch with their hats on.

Weird Laws: Part 17

Weird laws of the USA

Rhode Island

No one may bite off another's leg. So arms are fair game?

One must make a loud noise before passing a car on the left. I recommend firing off a canon, it really gets the point across.

You may not sell toothpaste and a toothbrush to the same customer on a Sunday. What if I want the bundle pack where it all comes in the same box?

South Carolina

Horses may not be kept in bathtubs. Good thing I keep my horses in the hot tub and my chicken in the bathtub.

A person must be eighteen years old to play a pinball machine. It is because most of the pinball machines are Rated-R.

A permit must be obtained to fire a missile. For a nuke you need a license. 

South Dakota

If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you may shoot them. Can't argue with that logic. 

No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants. Must be a pretty schwanky joint. 

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. Hungry mice might carry you away.

Tennessee

It is a crime to share your Netflix password. Anytime I use a public toilet I write my password on the stall. 

It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish. That would just be hilarious to watch. 

Giving and receiving oral sex is still prohibited by law. How else are college girls going to get an A on their Econ final?

What's rolling around up there

I don't understand personalized license plates. They only make sense to the people driving that car. Most of the time it is a guessing game, trying to figure out what the letters and numbers could mean. But even if we decipher the puzzle, we still don't actually know the meaning behind it. It's like the driver is fucking with us by putting "LUV2CKS". They love to make cakes? They love two cocks? They love to cookies? We will never know.

Why did Domino's change it's name from Domino's Pizza to Domino's? So they want to say that they are more than just pizza. Can't they just say that without having to spend millions of dollars to change every sign, pizza box, napkin and merchandise. Seems like a waste of money. I don't think anyone cares.

Why are there no female breakfast cereal mascots? I remember one, the Waffle Crisp Grannies but that cereal doesn't exist anymore so it's a sausagefest out there in cereal land.

Why is it acceptable to say bye-bye or b-bye but it doesn't work with a greeting like hi-hi or h-hello? And why is it goodbye but not good hello?

I have been overwhelmed and underwhelmed but never just whelmed. Have you ever been whelmed?

That ol' saying

We have some sayings that have been around for awhile that we just say because we have heard them all our lives. But have you ever actually thought about what these sayings really mean and where they came from?

"You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink" - Are horses that dumb that they need us to lead them to the water. They are animals, I think they are fully capable of finding water on their own. And how would one forcibly make a horse drink water? I would like to see that.

"You can't have your cake and eat it too" - Why wouldn't I be able to eat my own cake? Why would someone give me cake and tell me I couldn't have any? If I get my own cake, you are damn well going to let me eat it too.

"The cat's pajamas" - If you ask someone if they liked something and they said it was the cat's pajamas, we somehow know they meant it was pretty good. Who are these people that are pajaming their cats? The world is filled with too many hoarders with 75 dead cats in their homes, we don't need people trying to put pjs on their cats too.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" - By bird do they mean penis?

"As happy as a clam" - I have conversed with many clam in my day and none of them seem that happy. Most of them come from broken homes or they are in bad relationships. The phrase should be changed to "As happy as a dog licking it's crotch."

"As easy as pie" - Eating or baking? Because they are two very different things. And I am sure that some pies are a lot harder to make than others. This saying needs to be more specific. Or maybe it was said by a mathematician and they meant easy as Pi.

Honest Corporate Slogans

What if corporate slogans had some truth to them?


Skittles - "Taste the cavities"

Hot Pockets - "Every bite is a different temperature"

Maybelline - "Maybe she is born with it, maybe it's photoshop"

Triscuits - "Every box is guaranteed to cut the roof of your mouth"

Facebook - "Keeping divorce lawyers in business"

AOL - "How are we not bankrupt by now?"

Chapstick - "You'll lose it before the tube is empty"

Digiorno - "It's obviously not delivery"

Gillette - "You keep buying them and we will keep adding more blades"

IKEA - "We add in extra parts just to fuck with you"

Pringles - "We only make the can that size so you get your hand stuck"

MTV - "If you are looking for music listen to Pandora"

WebMD  - "Convince yourself you have a disease"

Pros and Cons: Toilet Paper

 

Pros

 

Cleans your ass

Is a good listener

 

Doubles as a tissue

 

Perfect for decorating trees with

 

A mummy's best friend

 

Used to make boobies look bigger

 

Was secretly involved in finding Waldo

 

2 ply is like rubbing a baby's bottom

 

TP is fun to say when in a hurry

 

Cons

 

Doesn't have much flavor

 

Doesn't come in other colors

 

That first piece is hard to start

 

Is always clogging your hot date's toilet

 

Doesn't come in 10 ply

 

Is wanted in 7 states for racketeering and arson

 

Has a longtime feud with toilet brush

 

Doesn't absorb like paper towel

 

Gave an STD to Megan Fox

10 Things you didn't know about toothpaste

10) It was first invented as a jock itch cream

9) It tastes great on pizza crust

8) It glows in the dark if you brush more than 4 minutes

7) Before 1996, the secret ingredient was Koala Bear sweat

6) Former President George W. Bush uses it to style his hair

5) You can repel leopards and anacondas with it

4) 3% of the world has a fear of green toothpaste

3) It is a myth that is can get rid of acne

2) It can dissolve unwanted moles

1) For some reason Corey Feldman receives royalties from the sale of Crest, Colgate and Aquafresh

Inside the actor's studio

Well it is that time again where I fill in for James Lipton on 'Inside the Actor's Studio.'He seems to be getting sick a lot. He should probably see a doctor about that chronic diarrhea and jock itch. Today I am interviewing someone that hasn't sat down for an interview in 20 years. For some reason he agreed to talk to me. I guess all you need to offer is some prostitutes and blueberry pie. Please welcome to the show Count Chocula.

Powdered Toast Man: Thank you for being on the show today. Can I call you Count?

Count Chocula: It is great to be here. I actually like to be called CC.

PTM: So first question CC, why has it been so long since you did an interview?

CC: It was something Larry King said to me but I can't even remember what it is anymore. He just got under my skin.

PTM: I know, he can be a real dick sometimes. And what is he 130 year old now?

CC: I think he died like 50 years ago and is now some sort of Zombie that drinks prune juice instead of eating brains.

PTM: Next question, what cereal mascot do you not get along with?

CC: Cap'n Crunch. He thinks he is so cool because he's a captain and he has a hat. 

PTM: Interesting, I though it would have been the Trix Rabbit.

CC: No that guy is cool, just does too many drugs.

PTM: It figures. There was a rumor going around about 10 years ago that you were having an affair with Ms. Pacman. What can you tell us?

CC: It's true. Her and Pacman were having problems and were on a break for about a year so I swooped in and fooled around with Ms. Pacman for about 2 months. She is surprisingly flexible.

PTM: I have always had a thing for Ms. Pacman, you lucky bastard. 

CC: I still have a pair of her panties if you are interested.

PTM: Talk to me after the show. Next question. Do you know any other Counts?

CC: Funny you should ask. I was actually part of the Counts Club back in 1997. There was the Count of Monte Cristo, the Count from Sesame Street, Count Dracula and Count Dooku. We had to kick Dracula out of the club after a couple of months because he get demanding that we form a band. He was so annoying. Everyday he would bring it up so we voted and we kicked him out. He was never the same after that. Our club only lasted another 6 months after we kicked out Dracula. I can't really explain what happened just that it involved a dead penguin.

PTM: Wow, I want to know but I don't want to know. Let's change things up. Do you have any questions for me?

CC: What is your favorite cereal? And if you say Cap'n Crunch I will stab you.

PTM: I like to mix Trix and Fruity Pebbles to make my own cereal. 

CC: I knew you would pick something fruity. Can I lick your head?

PTM: Why is it every guest wants to lick me? I have been told by the legal department that I can't let people do that anymore. What I can tell you is that I will be at Poppi's Bar after the show 

(wink, wink)

CC: I read you loud and clear. 

PTM: Do you have nay kids?

CC: I got my high school girlfriend pregnant but we gave the baby up for adoption. I did some research and found that he was in the first two Home Alone movies. His name is now Macaulay Culkin. My fucking luck right?

PTM: That is crazy stuff. Well that is all the time we have today. Thank you for joining us today CC.

CC: No problem. I will see you at the bar. I will bring the panties.

PTM: Goodbye everyone. 

Thoughts of the grocery store cashier

Why do I always get the old lady with the check book?

K-Y Jelly and two bunches of bananas. What is this lady up to?

Please don't ask for paper

Who is this line would I have sex with?

Fuck you lady and your 87 coupons!!!

I hate my job, I hate my job, Doo da doo da doo doo do, I hate my job

I will pay you $20 to kill me with this watermelon

I don't even know this guy but I hate him soooo much

Let's see what today's tally is: 12 assholes, 3 pedophiles, 5 bitches, 9 morons, 2 visible boners, 10 women showing too much cleavage, 6 farts and one nose picker

Great idea bringing your 3 annoying kids grocery shopping

Who needs 11 jars of olives? 

This lady has 'punch me in the baby maker' written all over her face

Let's see 6 peaches with no produce label, thanks ya jerk