The Muppets Dark Secrets Revealed

Ever wonder if The Muppets had any deep, dark secrets? Well they do and I got each of them to spill the beans. I had to bribe each of them except for Fozzie Bear, he just told me without me asking him anything.

Kermit the Frog: Once ate frog legs thinking they were chicken and went back for seconds.

Miss Piggy: Has had three abortions.

Fozzie Bear: Buys his stand-up jokes online.

Gonzo: Has maxed out all his credit cards playing online poker.

Rowlf the Dog: Has had love affairs with five different cats.

Rizzo the Rat: Ate two of his siblings when he was only a few months old.

Scooter: Had sex with a male prostitute.

Statler & Waldorg: Watch the movie Clueless every night before bed.

The Swedish Chef: Is not Swedish at all. Mostly German, Scottish and Portuguese.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: Has cloned Beaker.

Beaker: Is the clone and murdered the original Beaker.

Janice: Has been sprinkling speed onto Animal's cereal for 20 years.

Animal: Has written and published ten children's book anonymously.

Sam the Eagle: Was involved in a hit & run. Doesn't know if the man is alive.

Pepe the King Prawn: Is addicted to stealing spoons from restaurants.

Bobo the Bear: Voted for Trump.

Camila the Chicken: Has always felt she was born a turkey in a chicken's body.

Without using the letter 'E' - Revisited

Disclaimer: I attempted to write this post back in 2010. I thought I didn't use any E's but alas a fellow blogger found 3 of them. I tinkered around with it again and believe the rest of this post does not contain the letter E. I had to use a thesaurus to find other words. The post is a bit odd and you may find it difficult to make sense of it, that is okay. Maybe read it over twice to make sure there are no E's. A few things have changed since the original post. I have a son now but his name is Ryan. I do own blu-ray players and movies.My wife also got me Darkwing Duck DVD's for Christmas one year. This will all make sense soon. Without further ado....

***************************

I thought about writing this post on many occasions. It is difficult to brainstorm an original thought without applying that unambiguous symbol. Try it right now, think of any formation of words without that symbol. Hard, right? Now, think how hard it would occur to construct a thorough and continuous post without that symbol. I was having author's block during my brainstorming about this post. It should contain humor, random thoughts, originality, thought provoking topic, a post to talk about at an H20 apparatus and damn right phantasmagorical. I am thinking about what to concoct as I push all sorts of symbols on this plastic pad of random marks and symbols.

How about a quick nostalgic analysis?

DARKWING DUCK

I had a fancy for Darkwing Duck . That cartoon IS kick-ass. It's first affair was back in that 9th month of 1991. It ran for four minus uno occasions, from '91 to '93. Go on you know you want to sing that Darkwing song. Put your arm up high if you would want Launchpad McQuack as your trusty crony. I spot with my orbitals that most of you do. I am going to call my first son Lauchpad. What a fantastic monogram. My son would automatically turn into a pilot with that tag. I want a job as Darkwing Duck. That duck has loads of fun. I wish to own DVD's of that cartoon. My b-day is July 14th if anybody is blurry on what to buy P-Toast Man. I am not on a blu-ray wagon up to now, so only mail DVD's to my location. Who was Darkwing Duck? Did Darkwing hold similar blood with a distinct duck family? McDucks? How did Lauchpad go from that particular duck show, DuckSagas (wink wink) to Darkwing Duck? Did Launchpad attain a boot out? I fancy solutions and justification!! I miss old cartoons. Nowadays' cartoons do not stack up to particular toons of my youth. Cartoons kind of suck now. Mr. MoistPadBob StraightRhombusPants has an omission from said dumb cartoons of nowadays.

Okay that is all I got for this post. It was difficult and took a long duration. But it was fun. I might try it again. If you find any of that symbol I could not apply, point it out to muah. I await your input.

What you long to catch with your audio organs...

Street Fighter II: Meeting with Human Resources

Ken from the Street Fighter II video game gets called down to Human Resources for a meeting. Here is how that meeting went.



 Human Resources Supervisor Glenn: Ken, thank you for meeting with me today. I will get straight to the point. We have had several complaints about you. E. Honda claims you have been clogging up his toilet. Guile said you keep prank calling him. Blanka said something but I can never understand what that dude is saying. I'm here to see if  all these allegations are true. I decided to review your file. I found out that you possess the same abilities as Ryu. He has the Hadoken, Shoryuken and Hurricane Kick and so do you. Are you just copying all of his moves?

Ken: Well, yeah, he said it was okay.

Glenn: Oh, well then that clears up everything.

Ken: Phew! Can I go then?

Glenn: Not just yet. Let me just call Ryu to confirm what you said. Picks up the phone. Hello, Ryu. It is Glenn from HR. I just have one question for you. Did you say it was okay for Ken to copy all of your moves? Oh, I see. Is that right? Very interesting. Thank you for your help. Enjoy your lunch. Well, Ken, according to Ryu he didn't give you any such permission. He said he has asked you repeatedly to stop stealing his moves. Anything you care to say?

Ken: Ryu is a fucking liar! He just knows I can perform those moves better than him.  Who are you going to believe?

Glenn: Please resist the use of profanity when you are in my office. Ryu has been with us for years and we have never had any issues. You joined us only two months ago and already there are several issues. That call to Ryu was just a formality. I already knew the answer, I just wanted to see your reaction. I did some digging on you. I found out that no one actually hired you. How did you get to be on the Street Fighter team?

Ken: What are you talking about? Steve hired me.

Glenn: We do not have any one named Steve that works here.

Ken: Did I say Steve, I meant Sal.

Glenn: Ummm, who?

Ken: Sally, it was Sally.

Glenn: Is this a joke? I'm not amused.

Ken: Just stares blankly with mouth agape.

Glenn: Well, explain yourself!!

Ken: Starts to cry. I'm a fraud. I don't belong here. I have been hiding from my girlfriend Barbie. She's crazy. I only meant to stay for a couple of days but it is so cool here. Starts sobbing uncontrollably.

Glenn: Hold it together man. Show some dignity.

Ken: Sorry, sorry,  I'm so ashamed of myself.

Glenn: So why are you hiding from your girlfriend?

Ken: I slept with her sister Skipper.

Glenn: That is fucked up. Was she at least hot?

Ken: Ohh yeah. But she is crazy too. I can't go back. Can I stay? Pleeeeeease?

Glenn: Fine, just stop crying. You are embarrassing yourself. You can stay but you have to come up with your own moves and you have to apologize to E. Honda, Guile, Blanka and especially Ryu. You better get on your hand and knees for that one.

Ken: Thank you, thank you. You won't regret it.

Glenn. I am already regretting it. Do you have anything else to add before you leave?

Ken: Yeah, what is Chun- Li's story?

Thoughts of Michael Myers

Halloween is almost around the corner. so I thought I would have a pre-holiday post. I wrote this post up last year but never published it. If you don't know who Michael Myers is then you should rent any of the Halloween films and come back ASAP. Here are the Thoughts of Michael Myers while hiding in a closet waiting to kill someone.

• I shouldn't have eaten two bean burritos for lunch.

• 'In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion....'

• Where the fuck is this bitch? I've been in here for 20 minutes.

• Was it Bill Paxton or Bill Pullman in Twister?

• I think I forgot to brush my teeth this morning.

• I should have peed before I came in here.

• I don't care what everybody is saying, I think Trump is doing the best he can.

• Freddy vs. Jason, that was bullshit, my agent sucks.

• Shit, I left my knife in the bathroom.

• I should really kill the Kardashians now, it's time.

• The license plate that I saw read 'VMAQ2PLB.' Now what does that mean?

• Is the McRib out now? I finally need to try one of those things.

• Do I need milk? Dammit, I always forget to check.

Doritos Flavors

I have always been a big fan of Doritos. I used to eat them a lot in my younger days. I don't eat much junk food now though. I was always super excited when they came out with a new flavor. They have had over 140 flavors since being introduced back in the 1960's. Some great and terrible flavors have come and gone. Does any one remember Sonic Sour Cream? That one was so cheesy. I still don't know why they got rid of it. I wish I was in charge of picking the flavors. Here are some flavors I would like to see happen.

Spinach and Artichoke Dip

Honey Mustard

Blooming Onion

General Tso's Chicken

Peanut Butter & Jelly

Buttered Corn on the Cob

Caesar Salad

Sour Patch Kids

Big Mac

Garlic Mashed Potatoes

Waffles and Maple Syrup

Spicy Garlic

BBQ Mac 'n' Cheese

Grilled Cheese

Lucky Charms

Wasabi & Soy Sauce

Cinnamon & Sugar

BBQ Pulled Pork

Deviled Egg

Salt & Pepper

Pork Fried Rice

Pineapple, Mango & Lime

Swiss Onion

Corn Pops

Roasted Red Pepper Hummus

Which of my flavors would you like to see? Can you think up any of your own that have yet to be created? My mouth is watering now. Click here for a list of past and current flavors.

Disney Princess Jobs

Have you ever wondered what a princess would do if they had to get a real job? Now you don't have to think. I figured out which job each Disney Princess would have if she couldn't be a princess anymore.

I did Google Disney Princesses because I couldn't remember them all. A few sites claim that there are 14. I know that Mulan isn't technically a princess but just go with me here.

Ariel (The Little Mermaid) - Aquarium Tour Guide and moonlights as a Stripper. Her costume is mermaid themed. Who wouldn't love to see an authentic clam shell bra?

Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) - Zookeeper. For her love of animals.

Snow White (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs) - Aide at an old folk's home. She has already worked and lived with a bunch of old men.

Cinderella (Cinderella)- I know you are probably thinking maid but I am going with Fashion Designer. She designs the clothes and her animal labor makes them.

Rapunzel (Rapunzel) - She would make a great Interior Decorator. How many times do you think she rearranged her room being locked in that tower for so long?

Jasmine (Aladdin) - Lion Tamer at the circus. I know she had a pet tiger but I figure a big cat is a big car.

Mulan (Mulan) - Some will argue that she is not a princess but when I Googled Disney princesses her name came up. She would be a fantastic Secret Agent.

Moana (Moana) - Cruise Ship Captain. Maybe she would start off as Activities Director and work her way up.

Belle (Beauty and the Beast)- Librarian. She loves books, not much else needs to be said.

Pocohontas (Pocohontas) - Campground Manager. She is very outdoorsy.

Tiana (Princes and the Frog) - Restaurant owner. She wanted to own a restaurant. Now she can.

Merida (Brave)- Owner of a chain of shooting ranges specializing in archery.

Elsa (Frozen)- Ice Sculptress  for weddings or Zamboni Driver

Anna (Frozen)- Elsa's Booking Agent.

Presidential High School Nicknames

George Washington - "Boy George"

Abraham Lincoln - "Tall Drink of Water"

John F. Kennedy - "All brains"

Richard Nixon - "Just Dick"

Bill Clinton - "The beaver snatcher"

Barack Obama - "Black and white cookie"

Gerald Ford - "Hey you"

Thomas Jefferson - "T-Dog"

George W. Bush - "Snooki"

Ronald Reagan - "The next Pauly Shore"

Failed state slogans

New Jersey

Current:
The Garden State. Yeah Gardens are what people think of when they drive through Jersey.

Failed:
Do you smell that?
We apologize for The Jersey Shore.
Now with less medical waste at the beach!

Montana

Current:
Big Sky Country. How can the sky be bigger?

Failed:
Every house comes with a free 27 acres of land.
I bet you forgot we were a state.
We have one Walmart and it's a 3 hour drive from everywhere.

Florida

Current:
The Sunshine State. I have been to plenty of other states that had sunshine.

Failed:
Bring us your old people.
The penis of the USA.
Disney World is overrated but you're gonna come anyway.

Alabama

Current:
Sweet Home Alabama. Heart of Dixie. You are not allowed to have more than one slogan!

Failed:
No, Deliverance was not filmed here.
Come to Alabama, we will show you our Dixie.
More cousin weddings than Arkansas and Kentucky combined!

Maryland

Current:
More than you can imagine. You reeeaallly don't want to know what I can imagine.

Failed:
Not Merry-Land, Mar-eh-land
Home of the .....?
We are pretty tight with Delaware.

Interview with E.T.

I finally did it. I killed James Lipton. Inside the Actor's Studio is now my show. Don't bother trying to find his body. I gave it to Hannibal Lecter to dispose of it properly. Now that I got that announcement out of the way, we can move on to the show.

Today our special guest is E.T. You might know him from his role in the 1980's hit movie, E.T. The Extra Terrestrial He can also be seen hanging out with Drew Barrymore a lot. Occasionally you may see him with Corey Feldman. Let's get on with the interview.

PTM (Powdered Toast Man) - Thank you E.T. for coming on the show today. I am glad you could fit us into your busy schedule.

E.T. - Yeah, it's tight, but that's how I like it.

PTM - I can see where this interview is headed already. How much of the Stephen Spielberg movie is based on true events?

E.T. - What movie?

PTM - I am not prepared to open that can of worms. I will have to have a one on one with Drew later. So, what is Drew Barrymore really like?

E.T. - She's all grown up now, hot as ever. Between us guys, though, she's dumb as my doorknob and twice as loose.

PTM - Are you referring to an actual doorknob or your penis? And I thought you liked it tight? Never mind, I don't want to know. Which Golden Girls character is your favorite and why?

E.T. - Estelle Getty because of the tightness factor.

PTM - I guess that answers my previous question. Betty White is my gal, bigger rack. Where do you shop to find clothes that fit?

E.T. - Pee Wee Plus Sizes for the Short and Thick

PTM -  Must be an online only store, I have never heard of it. Are you dating anyone right now?

E.T. - Yeah, Drew and I are still dating. It's an open relationship. Punky Brewster's a side dish, along with all of the Bachelorette rejects. 

PTM - I call her Soleil Moon Frye. The restraining order states I can't call her Punky Brewster anymore. I heard a rumor that you haven't spoken to Elliot in 5 years. What happened?

E.T. -  He didn't invite me to his Bar Mitzvah, and that really hurt. But he eventually apologized, gave me a phone and lots of rides. *Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.*

PTM - You are one horny little alien. I would love to harness your sex drive. You were recently with Drew being interviewed by Rawkn Robyn on Life by Chocolate. I have always had a big crush on her. Since you were close enough to see, I have to ask. Are they real?

E.T. -  I once got my finger stuck in them for hours. She loved it. Yes. They're real, and they're spectacular!

PTM - I hope you get an endorsement check for that Seinfeld reference. For once and for all, what does E.T. actually stand for?

E.T. - Emerging Testicles 

PTM - That raises a lot more questions that we really don't have time for right now. What is your biggest accomplishment?

E.T. -    Bea Arthur. She's 5'10".

PTM - That picture will be burned into my brain forever. Camera man #3 is your biggest fan. He wants to know if he can buy you a drink after the show?

E.T. -  No, Betty White hates it when I'm late - or premature. 

PTM - I hope you carry lube, she must be like a desert down there. Let's turn the tables for a minute. I am going to let you ask me a few questions. I haven't done this in awhile. I am a little gun shy after what happened with Dustin Diamond. You get 3 questions.

E.T. - Briefs, boxers, or commando and why?

PTM - None of the above. I have worn Speedos since I was nine.

E.T. - What's your favorite sexual position? 

PTM - It is a toss up between the German shepherd and lazy grasshopper.

E.T. - Do you have a recommendation for loose bowels? I'm asking for a friend.

PTM - Cut down on the anal sex. Twice a month is recommended. Ask Dr. Phil. 

E.T. - *Holds up two wet thumbs*

PTM - That is all the time we have plus E.T. soiled the chair cushion twice. I knew I should have put down newspaper. See ya next time. 

E.T. -  Dope! Catch ya on the flip side. 

I would like to thank Rawkn Robyn from Life by Chocolate for playing the part of E.T. I never knew E.T. was so perverted. Rawkn Robyn is an old blogger buddy. We have done a plethora of blog posts together. It has been awhile since we collaborated but it feels damn good to work together again. Click here to check her out. 

Prequels, sequels and remakes.... maybe?

My main hobby is watching movies. Love me a good flick especially late at night when the family is already in bed snoozing. I love looking up upcoming sequels to see what potential awesome or horrendous thing Hollywood has made. Here are some prequels, sequels and remakes that probably won't happen but if we wish hard enough maybe they will.

Back to the Future: Back to the Past - A Back to the Future prequel that portrays Doc Brown as a kid getting into all sorts of trouble with his wacky invention and experiments. Maybe an older version of himself visits him to give advice about the future.

Back to the Future: Part 4 - Set in 2030, Marty has a family of his own and his son travels back in time with Doc Brown to give advice to a younger and unwise Doc Brown. The question is which film comes out first, the prequel or sequel? Mind blown!

Titanic Remake - Rose dies this time. Jack finds a door to float on that only has room for one person. The rest of the movie is exactly the same.

The Return to Shawshank - A sequel to The Shawshank Redemption. Red (Morgan Freeman) finds Andy (Tim Robbins) after getting out. Turns him into the authorities and steals all the money he took from the warden. The lesson is you can never trust a criminal. Andy goes back to Shawshank. After 10 years he escapes again but is mauled and eaten by a bear.

Jaws: The Beginning - A prequel to the classic. It tells the story on how Quint (Robert Shaw's character) tortured Jaws and his family all the time for years. Since Robert Shaw died in 1978 they will have to find another actor to play Quint. I'm thinking Channing Tatum. The original movie Jaws is simply just revenge on Quint.

Zack and Miri Make Another Porno - Zack and Miri fall on hard times again. This time Kevin Smith comes out from behind the camera and gets in on the action. Let's just say in this one there is a lot of butter.

Doom Remake - The original movie was pretty terrible. I loved the video game as a kid. Back in the day on Super NES you couldn't save your progress, you had to beat the game without stopping. So in this movie it will just be some kid playing the Doom video game all the way through with only one life.

Phobias - Real or Crap?

You decided if these are real phobias or made up crap from the inner nether regions of my brain. 

1. Fear of your shoelaces being untied 
2. Fear of otters
3. Fear of eating calamari because the suction cups on the tentacles might get stuck in your throat
4. Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth
5. Fear of phobias
6. Fear of running into Carrot Top in real life
7. Fear of tipping too much at a restaurant
8. Fear of monsters biting your toes while you are sleeping
9. Fear of a megalodon not being extinct
10. Fear of opening your eyes
11. Fear of somewhere, somehow, a duck is watching you
12. Fear of not having phone service
13. Fear of the McRib never coming back
14. Fear of Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny having sex
15. Fear of shadows
16. Fear of getting an erection while going to the doctor
17. Fear of getting bit by a Zombie
18. Fear of running out of ketchup
19. Fear of string
20. Fear of wind
21. Fear of having a baby with Snooki
22. Fear of clowns
23. Fear of horses dressed up as cows
24. Fear of O.J. Simpson being innocent
25. Fear of ghosts using your toothbrush

1. Crap - I suffer from this on roller coasters and stuff.
2.  Real - Lutraphobia
3. Crap - my wife suffers from it.
4. Real - Arachibutyrophobia
5. True - Phobophobia
6. Crap - That hair is very scary
7. Crap - Before cell phones were invented when math was done in your head.
8. Crap - We all had this as a kid and I still suffer from it.
9. Crap - There is still one out there. Shark week wouldn't lie to me.
10. Real - Optophobia
11. Crap - I know it can see me.
12. Real - Nomophobia
13. Crap - Feels real.
14. Crap - Just imagine it and be afraid.
15. Real - Sciophobia
16. Crap - Every guy's worst nightmare.
17. Crap - May be real in the future.
18. Crap - Always have a back-up!!!
19. Real - Linonophobia
20. Real - Ancraophobia
21. Crap - I might need counseling.
22. Real - Coulrophobia
23. Crap - This one is my favorite.
24. Crap - Controversial!!
25. Crap - But ghosts don't have teeth, do they?

Claw Game Prizes

I am sure everybody has played the claw game at an arcade or pizza place or carnival or that guy's basement. The machine is usually meant for kids whose parents don't mind losing $40 for no prize. I recently built a miniature claw game from a kit that my daughter got for her birthday from Grandma. It is made of plastic and string. It took me hours to put together and I do not recommend getting one for yourself.

Any who,  this got me thinking about the prizes that are usually in these machines. Normally they are filled with stuffed animals or candy that you rarely win. I would fill the game with random weird prizes that you would win most of the time. Fun for the whole family.

Random Claw Game Prizes

Already chewed wad of gum

Anal beads

K-cup coffee pods

Brand new diaper

Naked Barbie

Very ripe banana

Single serve box of cereal

Slinky

Light bulb

Frozen meatloaf

Travel sized shampoo

Jar of pickles

Set of billiard balls

Dentures

Heads of stuffed animals

Live lobster

Edible underwear

Open box of condoms

Garden gnomes

Plate of mashed potatoes