Monday, March 4, 2013

Battle of the Fast Food Mascots: Semi-Finals Round One

The King is victorious! The King is victorious! He might have won fairly or it could have to do with the chocolate cake bribe from Rawknrobyn. There will be full investigation but that could take months. Either way, it doesn't matter, The King will move onto the semi-finals with Ronald Mcdonald, The Chick-Fil-A Cow and Little Caesar's "Pizza, Pizza" Guy. Disclaimer: This blog and it's affiliates does not condone vote tampering nor judge bribery. (But if you are a hardened criminal already and don't care for the law, I love dark chocolate).

On a sad note, Jared has fallen into a deep depression and is ironically stuffing his face with Whoppers.

Let's move onto the first round of the semi-finals. 


Since I have already interviewed these combatants, I am going to change things up and interview their parents.

PTM: Thank you for being here today Mrs. Mcdonald.
Mrs. Mcdonald: No problem, Mrs. Mcdonald is too formal, call me Sheila.
PTM: I though your first name was Margaret?
Mrs Mcdonald: It is but I've always liked the name Sheila.

PTM: Okay, Sheila? What was Ronald like as a kid?
Sheila: He was a normal kid until about age 7. From about age 7 til age 12, he used to dress up in my clothes, put on my make-up and sing Barbara Streisand into a hairbrush.

PTM: Sounds about right that he turned into an adult clown. Did he play sports as a kid?
Sheila: No, he was into home economics. The football team used to play keep-away with his knitting supplies.

PTM: Kids can be rough.I must say Sheila, you look great for 72. If you were 50 years younger I would totally hit that.
Sheila: Why thank you. I must say, you look pretty good for a guy with toast for a head.

PTM: Thanks, I try to keep it well maintained. If I'm not careful a family of pigeons could ruin a good hair day. How often do you eat at Mcdonald's?
Sheila: That seems like a random question.

PTM: It's where your son works. I would have to say it's an obvious question.
Sheila:That's where he works?!? I just assumed he entertained at kids' birthday parties and had a side job of keeping the bull from killing the cowboy. All this time I didn't even know. I have to call his father and tell him right now.

PTM: Sheila, wait! We aren't done with the interview. 
Cameraman #2: You want me to go get her?
PTM: No, just go tell The Cow's dad that I'm ready for him.
PTM: Thanks for being here with us. I'm sorry, my staff failed to tell me your first name.
The Cow's Father: You can call me Rusty.
PTM: I don't mean to be rude Rusty, but you have some blood dripping out of your nose.
Rusty: Thanks. Damn thing is like a faucet.

PTM: Do you normally get nosebleeds?
Rusty: No, I was recently diagnosed with Mad Cow's Disease.

PTM: Is that contagious?
Rusty: Only if I bite you which I haven't done to anyone yet.

PTM: You really didn't have to come in we could of done this interview via Skype.
Rusty: The doctors only gave me about a month to live so I needed to get out of the house.

PTM: Rusty I hate to be a dick but you are depressing the hell out of me. These interviews are suppose to make people laugh and you sucking the wind out of this place.
Rusty: Well it's a good thing I was joking then. I don't have Mad Cow's Disease. 

PTM: Really? That's a strange sense of humor. Then why is your nose bleeding so much?
Rusty: I was snorting coke with some crazy looking clown in the bathroom. I was just in there taking a piss and he came out of nowhere and asked if I wanted to do a line. 
PTM: Ronald Mcdonald randomly offered you coke in the bathroom?
Rusty: No it wasn't Ronald. I would of recognized him.

PTM: So you are saying that some random guy dressed as a clown offered you coke in the bathroom and you thought this was a good idea?
Rusty: I've done worse, I once did some crystal meth with a leprechaun dressed as a unicorn.
PTM: I have no idea what to say to that. So on that note let's move onto the battle.

As always, scroll up to the top of the blog to vote on the poll. I also accept colorful comments.


Mark said...

I don't know why but I quite like the thought of Ronald McDonald's parents not knowing what he does. We all know Ronald is well verse in killing cows so this could be quite a fight. said...

The cow gets my sympathy vote. Plus, The King really, really wants to be up against a cow. He told me so.

Thanks for accepting the bribe. It's on its way. I promise.


Betty Manousos said...

well, the cow gets my vote.
i love cows!

p.s. i really love your great sense/style of humour.
i just read what you're saying in "your about" section.

have a great day and thanks so much for your quirky comment!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Then consider this comment colored puke.

Dragon's Blossom said...

Totally voting for the cow. I love cows and Ronald scares the shit out of me. Always has.....

Adam Lloyd said...

My money is on old Ron. He's used to mincing cows un a variety of different ways, so this should be a whitewash. It's just a shame that none of the resulting delicious beef makes its way into the Big Macs.

DEZMOND said...

I'm a vegetarian....

Al Penwasser said...

I'm voting for the cow. Ronald's an effin' clown.

Birgit said...

I heard the cow was quite tasty at the McDonald household. A cow can moo, chew and look dull as ever. Clowns can make a person laugh or scare the frikken hell out us. I mean that red hair plus he seems very comfortable in his skin even if it is pasty white so Ronnie gets my vote

Silvia Writes said...

Hey, cool blog. I'll leave the voting to the 'experts.' :)
Silvia (from A to Z Challenge)

Anonymous said...

Chocolate is a vegetable in my world.

Cheryl said...

The cow gets my vote as well. Poor thing has a junkie for a dad and one with a sick sense of humor at that.

Elsie Amata said...

The clown gets my vote. He had a posse back in the day, his mom is clueless and he can knit.

Adam said...

I figured Mrs. Mcdonald would be like 130 by now

Demitria said...

Definitely rooting for the cow :)

Great blog!!

New follower...

Chuck said...

Mad Cow Disease...hilarious! I am all in for the Hoofers.

Empty Nest Insider said...

This is a great anti-fast food commercial! I vote for the cow, and hope we can have an online intervention at some point.


Bart said...

ive always thought ronald was a weirdo

A Beer for the Shower said...

That rapey clown has it coming. I hope the cow scalps him and wears his ginger afro as a victory crown.

Baby Sister said...

Well, the father's interview explains why the cow can't spell....still, I've never been a fan of Ronald, so most definitely the cow.