A day in the life of Mr. Met. The saddest guy in baseball.
7:05 A.M. Wake up and roll out of bed... and down the steps. Why did I buy a split-level house?
8:00 A.M. Masturbate to Rawlings glove catalog.
8:15 A.M. Play a little MLB 2K9 on the Wii. Pick my favorite team, the Yankees.
9:00 A.M. Watch the movie Old Yeller to cheer self up after thinking about Mets 2009 season.
11:00 A.M. Put finishing touches on new Mets catch phrase for 2010: "Slightly More Exciting Than the WNBA!"
12:30 P.M. Play rock, paper, scissors with GM Omar Minaya to determine 2010 starting lineup.
1:00 P.M. Encourage Mets to have a teamwide steroids scandal in order to cover the shame of the upcoming season.
1:30 P.M. Have lunch with Mrs. Met. Ask her about the Phillie Phanatic hairs found on the bed. And on the washing machine. And,oddly, in the chimney flue.
3:15 P.M. Plead with baseball commissioner Bud Selig to let Mets bat with large canoe oars.
4:00 P.M. Line player uniforms with bubble wrap to help prevent injuries.
4:30 P.M. Visit sick kids and apologize for 2009 season. Get pelted with bedpans. Full bedpans.
5:00 P.M. Call Mrs. Met and ask her about those Billy the Marlin scales found in the backseat of the car. And on the hood. And all over the tire jack.
5:30 P.M. Ask Citi Field to host hard liquor night to help fans forget.
8:05 P.M. Slip into Snuggie, pour a glass of white wine, and watch the 1986 World Series highlight tape in the fetal position.
11:30 P.M. Crawl into bed with Mrs. Met...and, surprisingly, Colorado Rockies mascot Dinger, who said he just lost a contact. Though that doesn't explain why he was naked. Oh, well.
