my goal

one of my new year's resolutions is to get back to blogging. let's hope that comes true.

I'm Still Here!!!!!!!!

 Hello fellow bloggers!! I have not been eaten by a zombie. I am a very busy man. I'm working full time, going to school full time and raising my 4 month old daughter. I think about blogging every week but never get any time to post or read anything. Stupid life always gets in the way.

Just wanted to let you guys know that I'm thinking about you. I am still trying to find time. I will look under different rocks this time around.

 I love being a new dad and I know a lot of you have been waiting on some pics. Here are some to hold you over. There is a video in the previous post.

Baby Video

Anybody out there?

Anybody miss me yet? I need some motivation to come back to writing. Can I get some love?

New Edition to the Family

Fantastic news!! My stubborn baby finally decided to check out of the womb. Born on Wednesday June 19th at 6:28 pm. Only 11 days late and 30 hours of labor later, Olivia Marie Scully is finally here. At 6lb 2oz and laying down at 18" long, she is the best thing to happen to me. Just look how cute she is!!

It is such a great feeling to be a daddy. I tear up every time I look at her. She is such a good baby. She has such a cute girly cry. I want her to stay like this forever. I didn't know how I would handle being a new parent but it seems to come naturally. I've already changed like 10 diapers and don't even care that I got a little poop on my one time. I can't express how happy and excited I am to have her in my life. If you are a parent I am sure you know what I am feeling.

As you probably guessed I am going to take a little sabbatical from blogging to spend time with my daughter. I will be back soon. I need to get adjusted to her schedule and learn how to function on less sleep. Enjoy the pics and see you soon. 

Deathbed Confessions

Hillary Clinton - "I got a blow job from Monica too."

Dustin Hoffman - "Tom Cruise propositioned me on the set of Rain Man."

Jennifer Lopez - "Taco, Taco, Burrito, Burrito."

George W. Bush - "I never actually read Superfudge."

Samuel L. Jackson - "You will never know what was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction, Mother Fucker."

Ryan Seacrest - "I'm overrated."

Ray Romano - "I don't think anyone really liked me."

Pamela Anderson - "At least I had big boobs."

Ozzy Osbourne - "Clean the bats out of my freezer please."

David Letterman - "I stole the top ten idea from Jay Leno."

Jon Hamm - "Fine, you can look at it but no pictures."

Simple & Fun Question of the Week

Q: If you were shrunk to the size of a nickel, where would you go and what would you do?

Celebrity Survey

I wanted to interview a whole group of celebrities but I couldn't get all them in at one time. I did the next best thing and sent out a survery. Surprisingly a lot of them actually responded. I asked them to finish a certain question.


The movie I could watch over and over again that I star in is...

Jack Nicholson wrote: The one where I play a crazy guy.
Morgan Freeman wrote: The one where I play the President.
Nicholas Cage wrote: The one where my acting isn't so good.

When I first heard that Will Smith's movie After Earth bombed...

Jada Pinkett Smith wrote: I already have the divorce papers signed.
Tommy Lee Jones wrote: It's because it wasn't released around 4th of July.
Barack Obama wrote: I thought I was letting down the black community.

The biggest fear I have with raising kids in this world is....

Katie Holmes wrote: Scientology.
Russell Crowe wrote: There are other people like George Bush.
Dustin Diamond wrote: Having Screech as a father.

My favorite food is...

Chris Christie wrote: Deep fried whole chickens
Snooki wrote: New born babies
Larry King wrote: Brontosaurus ribs

The first person I would thank in an award acceptance speech would be...

Kanye West wrote: Kanye West
Gary Busey wrote: The flamingo that gave me acting lessons.
Charlie Sheen wrote: My drug dealer.

Inside the Actor's Studio

Once again I am filling in for James Lipton. He should really see a doctor, he is out sick quite a bit. Our special guest today is Lamp Chop from 90's show Lamp Chop's Play-Along.

PTM: Thanks for stopping by Lamb Chop. How have you been?

Lamb Chop: I'm okay, times are hard for a once famous lamb. People look at me now and whisper "that lamb was once in some kids show, now look at her." I just want people to know I have grown! It’s like Selena Gomez’s breakthrough performance in “Spring Breakers” I need that, I can be a bad little lamb.

PTM: It will be 15 years this August since Shari Lewis passed away. Have you been able to cope with her death?

Lamb Chop: It was very difficult for me, she always told me my “purity and innocence” would always bring people in, I always had to be that way with her. It was like I was living a double life, innocent little lamb by day and freaky little lamb by night. I am happy she is not here to see that, it would break her heart; the drugs, the men, the men trying to ride me when they were on drugs… complete shit storm.

PTM: I knew you had a little freak in you. Dating anyone nowadays?

Lamb Chop: Nothing serious, I am still trying to figure out what I want, I definitely swing both ways, but I am torn. Guys are always a good time of course, I mean what girl doesn't want the dick?  But they are such douche bags. Girls are more sensitive, and understanding, I have a serious girl crush on Jessica Rabbit.

PTM: What a coincidence, I have a crush on Jessica Rabbit too. I don't think she feels the same way because she has never replied to any of my letters. I heard a rumor that you have a mint jelly fetish, is this true?

Lamb Chop: Well you heard right, but its not what you think, it’s more of a fetish in the bed room …. Some people use whipped cream, I use mint jelly.

PTM: That's exactly what I was thinking. What is your biggest fear?

Lamb Chop: Tailgate parties. Drunken motherfuckers, grills, and a lamb. You do the math.

PTM: Mmm grilled lamp chops (starts salivating). Sorry, forgot who I was talking to. If Hollywood was to make a movie about you, what actress would play you?

Lamb Chop: Mmhhmmm, I am thinking Pamela Anderson makes a come back by debuting in a movie about me, the resemblance is there for sure.

PTM: I'm sure she has had a hand up her before. I have a chocolate pudding stain on my couch, what do you recommend to get it out?

Lamb Chop: Are you on drugs?

PTM: Only Viagra and Benadryl. I still have that song from your show stuck in my head. Has the person that created that song been murdered yet?

Lamb Chop: It was a children’s show you dickwad, A CHILDRENS SHOW!

PTM: Whoa, didn't know that was a touchy subject. What is your favorite cheese?

Lamp Chop: You are definitely on drugs, damn it this is what I mean, never taken seriously you took drugs for this damn interview because you thought it would make this “joke” even funnier.

PTM: I take drugs for every interview. Would you like to have dinner with me tonight?

Lamb Chop: Get fucked! (walks away while mumbling to herself) Damn it, my agent is going to kill me.

PTM: I guess I'm eating dinner by myself tonight. That's all the time we have today. I want to thank Lamb Chop for taking time out her day to sit down with us.

I want to especially thank my coworker Shaden for playing the part of Lamb Chop. She did an awesome job for her first guest post. She is thinking about joining the blogosphere and starting her own blog. Do you think she can bring the necessary snark?

Failed Slogans

Failed product slogans you might not remember hearing or seeing.


Isotoners - "If they are good enough for O.J., they are good enough for you"

Firestone - "Causing SUVs to roll over is in the past"

Tyson - "We choke our chickens before you eat them"

Apple - "It doesn't matter what we make because you are still going to buy it"

Jif - "May contain peanuts"

Oscar Mayer - "Do you really want to know what's in our hot dogs?"

Samsung - "Not your grandmother's television"

Ford - "We have reliable cars, we promise"

Fisher Price - "Lead paint free since 2004"

Head & Shoulders - "Your disgusting scalp is our #1 concern"

Crest - "Also removes zits"

Missing in Action

I apologize for my absense from the blogosphere for the past two weeks. I had a mental block last week. Over the weekend I became sick and the cold interferred with the creative juices in my brain. I hope to be fully recovered by next week and back to my regularly scheduled program. I have a lot of blogs to catch up on. Hopefully, the upcoming baby won't disrupt my blog ritual.

Simple & Fun Questions of the Week

Q1: Do you think squirrels are secretly ninjas?

Q2: A Penguin vs. A Swan: Who would win that fight?

Best/Worst Movie Remake Blogfest

Hosted by  Alex J Cavanaugh, Stephen Tremp,  Livia Peterson, and Father Dragon Al.

When Hollywood runs out of ideas, they remake older films. Sometimes this works, and sometimes it fails miserably. 
List the best remake you’ve ever seen and the worst. 
Added bonus – list the worst and/or best song remake you’ve ever heard! 

Best Movie Remakes

True Grit (2010) Original (1969)

3:10 to Yuma (2007) Original (1957)

Worst Movie Remakes

Total Recall (2012) Original (1990)

The Day the Earth Stood Still (2008) Original (1951)

Best Song Remake

"I Shot the Sheriff" by Eric Clapton - Original by Bob Marley

Worst Song Remake

"My Generation" By Hilary Duff - Original by The Who

Weird Laws: Part 17

Weird laws of the United States of America.

Rhode Island

No one may bite off another's leg.  What are zombies to do then?

It is considered an offense to throw pickle juice on a trolley. A little unknown fact: Trolleys are allergic to pickle juice.

Any marriage where either of the parties is an idiot or a lunatic is null and void. So many Reality TV Stars can't get married in Rhode Island.

South Carolina

Every adult male must bring a rifle to church on Sunday in order to ward off Indian attacks. Because every Indian hates church.

It is a capital offense to inadvertently kill someone while attempting suicide. Sorry judge, I was trying to hang myself and I accidentally shot Steve in the face.

A person must be eighteen years old to play a pinball machine. Beating the high score earns you a carton of cigarettes. 

South Dakota

It is illegal to lie down and fall asleep in a cheese factory. The mice will take you away and hold you hostage for a block of cheddar.

No horses are allowed into Fountain Inn unless they are wearing pants. How do you figure out a horse's pants size?

If there are more than 5 Native Americans on your property you man shoot them. This law also applies to Snookis, Biebers, and Kardashians. 

Tennessee

Student may not hold hands while at school. That is how cooties get spread around.

It is a crime to share your Netflix password. How else is grandma going to catch up on Breaking Bad?

Giving and receiving oral sex is still prohibited by law. Hence the nickname, The Hand Job State.

Thoughts of an unborn baby

I was thinking the other day as I felt my unborn baby kick, what do they think about inside the womb?

Unborn Baby Thoughts

• This place is getting cramped, I need to call my real estate agent.
• You would think after 8 months I would be able to find the light switch?
• Whoever is singing "Mmm Bop" out there needs to knock it off.
• When I finally get out of here, I am going to just cry uncontrollably.
• I am getting sick of leftovers.
• Ok, who farted?
• I kick and I kick and it does nothing. 
• Should I be concerned with the soft spot on top of my head?
• How many times is she going to watch Titanic? Jack is not going to live this time.
• I hope my parents aren't Mexican.

A to Z Reflection

This was my first attempt at conquering the A to Z challenge and I made it through til the end. I didn't think I had it in me. I don't know how I found the time around work, school and preparing for a baby. Someone should be proud of me because I know the wife won't be.

Having a theme and planning each letter ahead of time really saved my ass. I would participate next year but I don't know what my theme would be and I wouldn't want to duplicate what I did this year. I am a little disappointed with the drop in comments towards the end of the challenge. I assume most people are burnt out and are trying to get in their last few posts. I am guilty of that as well. I was organized at the beginning but towards the end I was writing my posts the morning of that letter.

I want to give some shout outs to some awesome bloggers:

Alex Cavanaugh for playing the part of Cookie Monster in my 'C' post. He brought the necessary snark. And for also featuring me in one of his posts. I feel so honored. This must be what being knighted by the Queen feels like.

Jewels for playing the part of Rainbow Brite in my 'R' post. Next time I need some sass I'm calling her back.

Hart Johnson for playing the part of the Hamburglar in my 'H' post. She is the best fast food mascot interpreter out there in the blogosphere.

Thank you to all the new followers and commenters and a big thanks to those of you who have stuck around for a few years, you know who you are.

Go check out others on the A to Z Reflection List

Zombie

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.

I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: I want to thank you for being here today and I also want to apologize for the restraints. I hope you understand. You are our guest but you simply can't be trusted.

Zombie: I totally understand. My first instinct when I saw you was to bite into your leg.

PTM: Then I am really glad we strapped you down. For your cooperation and understanding there are a few chickens, a deer and a koala bear in your dressing room.
Zombie: Ooooh, a koala bear. I've never had one of those. How fancy!


PTM: You star as one the zombies on the AMC series The Walking Dead. That must be exciting.
Zombie: I am one of the few real zombies on the show. Most of the zombies are actual actors. There isn't much work for a real zombie. I'm lucky to have gotten the job.


PTM: I was under the impression and I'm sure everyone else was too that zombies couldn't talk.
Zombie: That's what the producers and directors want you to think. For one, zombies are scarier when they don't talk. Second, when they do speak they sound as intelligent as Snooki or Paris Hilton.


PTM: That makes sense. A question I have always wondered: Do zombies poop?
Zombie: Very infrequent. My metabolism is extremely slow so I take a shit maybe once a month.


PTM: If you could eat any celebrity, who and why?
Zombie: John Goodman. Not only would it be a filling meal but I also loved the sitcom Roseanne and the film The Big Lebowski.


PTM: I thought you would of picked someone that you hated. I've always wondered is eating another dude kind of gay?
Zombie: At first it's weird but you get used to it. I save the genital and rectum for last.


PTM: I hope I can get that image out of my head. I just stop thinking about Rosie O'donnell eating twinkies.
Zombie: Do you think a zombie will ever be elected President?


PTM: It would be the shortest presidency. Some gun nut would assassinate that zombie leader real quick like.
Zombie: What if
gunshot echoes through studio and the zombie's head explodes


PTM: Oh shit!! I said shoot him in he gets out of his restraints!!
Terry (the producer): Sorry, he was creeping me out.

PTM: Dammit!! He was my in to get to be an extra on The Walking Dead. No I will never accomplish my dream. Man, the cleaning guy is going to be so pissed tonight.

Yakko

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.

I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: What are you doing with your life since the Animaniacs?

Yakko: I have been a writer for Conan O'brien.

PTM: That sounds awesome. I love Conan.

Yakko: He is pretty likable.

PTM: What can you tell us about Conan that we wouldn't know?

Yakko: When he isn't on camera, he has a German accent.

PTM: Really? That's weird. I always thought he was Irish, go figure. How are Wakko and Dot?

Yakko: Wakko works for a traveling circus, I don't see or talk to him much anymore. Dot is a single mom with 13 kids living in Ohio.

PTM: That sounds pretty rough. Can I ask who the father of the 13 kids are or is it more than one?

Yakko: All from that asshole Kevin Federline.

PTM: What a douche. I hope he pays child support.

Yakko: Dot and Britney Spears fight over who should get more child support.

PTM: Do you have any kids?

Yakko: No kids for me. I was castrated at a young age.

PTM: Umm, okay? Why did that happen?

Yakko: After Wakko was born my mom didn't want anything similar to him in the world.

 PTM: That does make sense. What is the capital of Alabama?

Yakko: That's easy, Yo mama!

PTM: Well that is all the time we have today. Come back tomorrow as we wrap up with this A to Z thingamajig.

X-Men

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.


I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

A list of not-so-well-known things about the X-men

Wolverine - Likes to write poetry

Cyclops - Has an extensive stamp collection

Jean-Grey - Has a tattoo of Charles Xavier on her back

Beast - Practices Buddhism

Storm - Cheats at board games

Professor X - Plays with rubber duckies in the tub

Gambit - Has seen the Sex and the City movies 24 times

Iceman - Drinks only Evian water

Colossus- Crochets scarfs for his friends

Rogue - Poops her pants when tickled

Magneto - Is allergic to bubblegum

Wilford Brimley

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.

I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: You are probably all wondering the same thing, "PTM if your theme is fictional characters, why do you have Wilford Brimley on the show today? He is a real person." I will let Wilford answer that question.

Wilford: I am not Wilford Brimley. The real Wilford Brimley died in 2009. I am a an advanced robot created by the Liberty Medical company. 

PTM: Let me guess, he died from Diabetic related issues?
Wilford: Nope, truth is he never had Diabetes. He died while skydiving, both his lungs exploded during the fall.

PTM: That's terrible. Do you know if other companies use robots to sponsor their products?
Wilford: I am not at liberty to say. I could be terminated from giving that information out.

PTM: Come on robot Wilford, just give us one company and one other robot.
Wilford: Ok, Colonial Penn Life Insurance uses a robot of Alex Trebek. He is still alive but he is always so busy that they needed a robot in order to use his likeness.

PTM: See, that wasn't so bad. No harm, no foul. Trebek needs to grow back his mustache.
Wilford: I concur.
Beep Beep Beep 'Self destruct mode activated, Warning, Warning!'

PTM: What the hell is that?
Wilford: Liberty Medical must be monitoring me. They must not like me being here talking about this stuff. They have initiated my self destruct mode. In 30 seconds I will explode.
PTM: OH SHIT!! EVERY ONE TAKE COVER!!!

Wilford: Goodbye cruel world.
Wilford self destructs. Robot parts everywhere.
PTM: Ok, the coast is clear. Wow, the janitor is going to have fun cleaning this mess up. I'm sure Liberty Medical has a whole warehouse of Wilford Brimleys. Let's end the show here before I self destruct. Bye.

Victim

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.

I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

Terry (the producer): I am sorry to inform you that Powdered Toast Man has been kidnapped by Snooki and Justin Bieber. Apparently they found out that PTM had a sniper following them around so he could take them out with just a phone call. Don't worry, Snooki and Bieber aren't that intelligent, we will find PTM later today and he will be back hosting the show tomorrow. I am just going to call Snooki pretending to be Barack Obama and find out where they are hiding PTM. If you see Bieber today, kick him in the head.

Underdog

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.


I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: Thanks for being here today. Did you fly or drive here?

Underdog: My mom actually drove me. She doesn't like me flying to places I haven't been before.

PTM: So you still live with your mom?

Underdog: I like to see it as she lives with me.

PTM: Who has the master bedroom?

Underdog: She does (sighing)

PTM: Then you still live with her, momma's boy. So how many capes do you own?

Underdog: One for every day of the week plus three alternates. How many do you have?

PTM: I consider myself a cape connoisseur, I own 365 but they are more for show now. I have a few that I wear including a bathrobe cape and a towel cape. Who is your nemesis nowadays?

Underdog: Mr. Bigglesworth from the Austin Powers franchise.

PTM: What a coincidence, I had him on last week. He seemed harmless.

Underdog: That's what he wants you to think. Now that your guard is down he could easily cut your throat. You are brave for being in the same room with that mad cat.

PTM: (snickering) I will be on the look out for him and I will beef up my security. Do you eat dog food and biscuits or human food?

Underdog: Well, I don't make much money as a superhero so I can only afford dog food. Once in a blue moon I will splurge and get a Big Mac or some beef jerky.

PTM: Well as a token of our gratitude and appreciation for all your heroic efforts we present you with a $25 Chili's gift card. Don't tell your mom about it.

Underdog: Thank you so much. I have heard good things about the molten lava cake.

PTM: You're welcome. And now that you have been here hopefully your mom will let you fly next time you visit. 

Underdog: Would you like to meet her?

PTM: And look at that, we are out of time. That's our show for today. See you next time.

Taco Bell Chihuahua: Where is she now?

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.


I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

Taco Bell used the Chihuahua in their advertisements from 1997 to 2001. You might have wondered why they stopped if every one loved that dog. I am hear to give you the inside scoop. If you have researched it on your own, you might have read it was due to some lawsuit. Well that is what the corporate big wigs want you to think. I have the truth behind the disappearance of the dog in the commercials.

Gidget is her real name. One day she went for a walk back in 2001 and some old lady snatched her up thinking she was one of her missing cats. After her disappearance the Taco Bell people got worried. They searched for her for about a week and then gave up. They didn't want to get any bad publicity so they just started running new commercials and didn't explain why. After awhile people forgot about the Taco Bell Chihuahua and the company was in the clear.

Meanwhile Gidget was trapped in this old lady's house. This old lady was convinced that Gidget was one of her missing cats. Gidget was forced to use a litter box and was fed cat food. When Gidget would bark, she was smacked so she had to learn how to meow. The old lady had other small dogs that she treated like cats. The other dogs told Gidget that there was no way out, that they have been there for years. She was held prisoner for 7 years and had convinced herself that she was a cat. In early 2009 the old lady croaked but with no family or friends nobody knew about it for months. Eventually the animals ran out of food and were forced to 'kill or be killed'. During a fight with a Yorkie, Gidget suffered a stroke and died. She will be missed and I hope this gets out and people know the real story.

PTM: I am being interviewed by Hart over at Confessions of a Watery Tart today.

SpongeBob: Random Thoughts & Shit

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.


I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: I am pretty sure that most of you folks have either watched SpongeBob on the boob tube or have heard about him. I have him on the show today but instead of doing the typical interview we are going to do something different. We are going to hook him up to a machine and read his thoughts while he watches some episodes of his own show.

Random Thoughts of SpongeBob SquarePants

I bet if I pretended to be gay, Patrick would copy me and be gay too.

I wonder if Mr. Krabs would fire me if he knew how many Krabby patties I dropped on the floor?

What did Sandy mean when she said she was 'going to ride me like a pony'?

How do fires start underwater all the time?

Squidward really needs to get laid, he is so stressed out.

Plankton kind of looks like a penis.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? I do, I do!!

Does Gary know where I hide my porn?

I wish I could grow a mustache like Burt Reynolds.

I have such a craving for a Doritos Locos Taco.

Is Mrs. Puff actually a giant potato?

I know we never talk about religion but Mr. Krabs must be Jewish.

Rainbow Brite Interview

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.

I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: Welcome Rainbow Brite, I'm glad you could join us. What are you doing with your time nowadays?

Rainbow Brite: Since kids stopped giving a shit about me I decided  to become frienamies with the Evil Princess. She’s really not so bad so long as you keep bringing her gems and gifts. It’s pretty convenient actually since the Sprites just mine the jewels and give them to me all the time, suckers.

PTM: Do you still keep in touch with Starlite and Twink?

Rainbow Brite: Of course. Starlight is my boy! Do you know how expensive gas is in my land? You think you have it bad, you don’t. I can’t give up a free method of transportation…plus it’s badass showing up on a flying horse. As for Twinkle, he’s pretty busy overseeing the other Sprites but we text every now and then.

PTM: Do you feel that you are still relevant?

Rainbow Brite: Not that the shit kids of today would know it, but of course I am! You like color in your world right? Well, you think it just magically appears!? I have to lug around this scepter, belt, and fly all over the place creating color and happiness and what thanks do I get!?  None, but I’m not bitter at

all…no, I just love working to help people who never say thank you. 

PTM: Is it true that G.I. Joe asked you out back in the day but you turned him down?

Rainbow Brite: That guy! Psssh, Yeah, he made a pass at me once but he stood no chance. I tried letting him down easy but you’d be amazed how handsy he could get. Eventually I sent Krys after him. He moved on to She-Ra after that but I hear that didn’t go over so well for him either.

PTM: My sister is a big fan of yours. Any chance you could make a house call and surprise her for her birthday?

Rainbow Brite: I’d love to! My fans mean the world to me. There are some loyal fans out there that are a tad creepy (grown men really shouldn’t be requesting I stop by their house and hang out) but since you’ve been so nice to me I’m sure your sister will be a gem. Email me the details.

PTM: Do you have a blog?

Rainbow Brite: I had one for a little while when everyone and their mother was getting a blog but found that I just didn’t have the time to keep up with it. I’m a busy woman, you know? It was fun while it lasted though. 

PTM: Now that you're older it isn't weird that I fantasize about you. Your breasts have filled in quite nicely. Maybe after the show, we go for a drink?

Rainbow Brite: Wow, so that whole you’ve been nice to me thing…yeah. Uh…that’s really sweet of you. I mean, I work hard to stay in shape and always appreciate when that’s noticed but I’m kinda with somebody. After spending all that time together Brian finally made a move and well, we’re an item now. Sorry.

PTM: Have you and Barbie resolved your difference or do you still think she is a bitch?

Rainbow Brite: If I can be friends with the Princess I can be friends with Barbie. Well, at least on the surface. I mean honestly, pick a fucking job! You can’t shop, lounge in Malibu, and get your hair done all day AND still be a doctor, astronaut, Veterinarian, Secretary, CEO, ballerina, news anchor…the list goes on and on. She’s just so wishy washy.

PTM: Wilfred Brimley, Pee-Wee Herman and Oz from the Wizard of Oz: Marry, fuck, kill. Go.

Rainbow Brite: You’re an asshole! This isn’t even fair! Alright, I’m going to marry Wilfred (he won’t last long with the diabetes and all), I’ll fuck the Wizard (dude’s gotta know some tricks) and I’m killing that sick fuck Pee-Wee (I don’t like the way he looks at my kid friends).

PTM: I would like to thank Jewels over at According to Jewels for playing the part of Rainbow Brite. Give the woman some blog love.

Quailman

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.

I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: If you watched Doug on Nickelodeon then you know who Quailman is. If you didn't then you might be wondering who this guy is. I am positive you will still enjoy the interview.

Quailman: I'm pretty sure everybody knows who I am PTM.

PTM: I hope they do or our ratings are going to plummet after today. Let's get this interview rolling, I have a massage appointment in the next hour.

Quailman: I can massage you right now if you want?

PTM: That is a little weird, I just met you and you are wearing your underwear on the outside of your pants.

Quailman: This is my superhero outfit.

PTM: So kind of like Superman?

Quailman: Whose he?

PTM: You don't know who Superman is? You call yourself a superhero and you don't know who the Man of Steel is?
Quailman: I have never heard of a guy made entirely of steel. I know Batman, Wonder Woman, Spider-Man, Aqua Man and many others.

PTM: No, he's not made of steel, he is strong like steel. This is going to bother me the whole time. How can anyone not know who Superman is? That is like never hearing of Santa Claus or Jesus Christ.
Quailman: Just get over it man, it's not a big deal. Can you ask me some questions already.

PTM: Fine but it is still going to bother me. What are your super abilities and what is your ultimate weakness?
Quailman: I can play a trash can like a drum and I am good at math. My weakness is doing the dishes.

PTM: No wonder you could never get into Patty Mayonnaise's pants.
Quailman: Don't you talk bad about Patty!!

PTM: Or what? You are going to whip me with that belt that you have wrapped around your head?
Quailman: Did you just bring me on to make fun of me?

PTM: No but that's where it seems to be going.
Quailman: No one respects me. Starts to sob

PTM: Gee, I wonder why? You have to be tough to be a superhero. Once you stop being a pussy then maybe people will start respecting you.
Quailman: You really think so? Talking through his tears

PTM: I know so. Now man up!! Go toughen yourself up. Hit the gym, watch some Stallone movies and get a new outfit. In a couple of months I will have you back on and we will see what progress you have made.
Quailman: I'm gonna do!! Thanks PTM. I'm ready to be a real man.
PTM: Now get the hell out of here. I'm going to be late for my massage.

Powdered Toast Man

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.

I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: You are probably thinking "is he going to interview himself? He has finally gone crazy." No, I haven't gone that crazy yet. Today I am going to share my pros and cons list about myself. And who better to do that than me? Before I start I just want to point out how sexy I look in that picture. I know what you are thinking ladies and the answer is yes.

Pros

I have a killer physique

I have a great sense of humor

I know the Muffin Man

My penis has it's own blog

LL Cool J asks me for advice on the ladies

I can fart cinnamon sugar on command

My great-great grandfather knew the guy that invented ketchup

With just a phone call I have the ability to take out Justin Bieber or Snooki if need be

I am still close friends with Ren & Stimpy

I am fertile, my wife is pregnant

Cons

I'm married, sorry ladies

My head attracts a lot of hungry birds

I am known to start fights with random homeless people at soup kitchens

I have never seen Game of Thrones

I know longer receive royalty checks for being on Ren & Stimpy

I was drunk on election day in 2004 and voted for Bush

I am allergic to small boobs

I get teased when people don't recognize me

I have recurring zombie nightmares

I am addicted to sniffing jelly beans

Optimus Prime

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.

I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: How awesome would it be to have Optimus Prime on the show today? I know, pretty awesome. Unfortunately we forgot that he is the size of a semi truck and can't fit inside the studio. We then had the idea to have him on via skype but he doesn't know how to even though he is a technologically advanced robot. So I did the last thing I could think of and sent him out a questionnaire. Here is how he responded.

Questionnaire

1) What is your favorite movie? - I know it is kind of cliche and selfish but I love the Transformers movie. Michael Bay did an awesome job.

2) What is your favorite food? - I don't have any digestive organs.

3) Who is your favorite actor? - You are probably expecting me to write Shia Lebeouf. He is my 3rd favorite. I am a huge fan of Jeff Bridges. Who doesn't love The Big Lebowski?

4) Why does Megatron hate you so much? - We actually used to be best friends up until middle school. I became cool and he didn't and he has resented me ever since. 

5) Do you think Megan Fox is as attractive as every one says she is? - If I had a penis, I'd hit that.

6) A lot of people were disappointed with the last two Transformers movies. Do you think Michael Bay can make it up in the next sequel? - I don't know, go ask Bumble Bee that question.

7) When you switch into a semi truck, do you need gas to move? - Yes, I hate waiting in line at the gas station, so many of them don't have diesel.

8) What is your favorite band/singer? - Justin Beiber, no just kidding, imagine? I like hard stuff like Korn, Tool, Slipknot and Iron Maiden.

9) If you could change your name, what would you change it to? - I have an awesome name but if I had to change it, I would go by Tackle Box.

10) What is your favorite cartoon? - Tiny Toon Adventures.

Ninja Turtles: Teenage Mutant Variety

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.

I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: We have the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the studio today. Instead of our normal interview we are going to play a game show. It is sort of like Jeopardy but I can't call it that or Alex Trebek will sue me again. The rules are simple, I will ask a total of 5 questions (because we have limited time) and any one of the turtles can answer. Correct answer gets you one point, incorrect answers make you look stupid. Winner gets some frozen pizzas. Michelangelo, Donatello, Leonardo and Raphael, you ready?

Turtles: Yeah!

PTM: What is Shredder's favorite food?

Michelangelo: Pizza!!

PTM: Wrong, idiot. Any one else want to guess?

Raphael: Sushi.

PTM: Good guess but still incorrect.

Donatello and Leonardo shrug their shoulders.

PTM: The correct answer is turtle soup. Next question, What is Splinter's favorite color?

Leonardo: Green!

PTM: Nope.

Donatello: Red?

PTM: Wrong again. Fellas?

Michelangelo and Raphael look at each other puzzled.

PTM: It was actually a trick question. Splinter is color blind. Let's move on. Which animal is known for it's unusually long neck?

Michelangelo: A turkey.

PTM: Mike you need to stop guessing, that's incorrect.

Donatello: A giraffe.

PTM: Nope. Wait, that is the right answer. Good job Don, you are in the lead. Who is noted as being the Father of Soul Music?

Leonardo: O.J. Simpson.

PTM: That is just wrong dude.

Raphael: Don King.

PTM: Very funny Raph. Ray Charles is the Father of Soul. Read a book once in awhile. Last question, finish this sentence: Where in the world is...?

Michelangelo: Waldo!

PTM: Wrong as usual.

Leonardo: The Muffin Man.

PTM: Nope. Where in the world is Carmen San Diego. And the winner with one question right is Donatello. Here is a coupon to get yourself 3 Celeste frozen pizzas. 

Donatello: Seriously?

PTM: We don't have a big budget on this show. Be glad you are getting anything. That coupon comes out of my paycheck. Thanks for coming to play the game Turtles. I hope Michael Bay doesn't ruin the remake.

Mr.....

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.


I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: So I was suppose to have Mr. Ed on the program today. I figured having a talking horse would be pretty awesome. My producers have informed me that Mr. Ed couldn't actually talk, that he was voiced by Allan Lane. I decided if I couldn't have a talking horse why not have the man behind the horse? 

Terry (my producer): Umm PTM, Mr. Ed and Allan Lane died over 40 years ago.

PTM: What?!? How did I not know this? Who am I suppose to have on as a guest now?

Terry (my producer): Give me15 minutes, I will see who is available last minute.

PTM: I guess we will wait. If you have to use the bathroom or need a snack, I would take advantage of the break.

Jeopardy music plays

............................

...................

............

.......

....

..

.

Terry: We got someone!!

PTM: Who?

Terry: Mr. Bigglesworth from the Austin Powers franchise. He is actually only a few minutes away.

PTM: I guess a talking cat is just as good as a talking horse. Bring him aboard.

more waiting

.......

.....

...

..

.

A man holding Mr. Bigglesworth enters. Places him in the interview chair.

PTM: Thank you for joining us on such short notice.

Mr. Bigglesworth: He starts licking himself.

PTM: Do you live close by?

Mr. Bigglesworth: Meows and starts to claw the chair.

PTM: Are you purposely ignoring me? Do you not want to be here?

Mr. Bigglesworth: Looks at PTM and goes back to licking himself.

PTM: Ok, is this a joke or something? Terry, are you behind this?

Terry: I spoke to a gentleman on the phone and he said he was bringing Mr. Bigglesworth.

Man that carried in Mr. B: You spoke to me. What's the problem?

PTM: Why isn't he talking?

Man: He's just a cat. He doesn't talk.

PTM: Terry, why did you tell me that this cat talked?

Terry: I thought he did.

PTM: And you, whatever your name is, weren't you at all curious about why we would want to interview a cat?

Man: I was told I would get $150 for bringing him here.

Mr. B. starts to cough up a hairball.

PTM: Well you have been lied to. Take that cat and get off my stage!!

Man storms off with Mr B. who is still coughing.

PTM: Well this day has gone no where. Sorry for the confusion folks. Hopefully the next guest we have will be alive and able to speak.

Lara Croft: Pros & Cons

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.

I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

Lara Croft is the main character from the video game Tomb Raider.

Pros

Has big boobs

Knows how to handle a gun

Makes a mean bacon, egg & cheese sandwich

Is involved with training Navy SEALS

Had Angelina Jolie play her in two movies

Helped President Jimmy Carter kick his silly putty addiction

President of The Walking Dead fan club

Has big boobs

Cons

Even though she is hot, she is just a video game character

Has taken candy from a baby on numerous occasions

Can't pee standing up

Has five over due library books

Is addicted to watching Teen Mom

Is waiting until marriage to lose her virginity

Allergic to small penises

Afraid of the dark

Kanga

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.

I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: I have brought in Kanga from the Hundred Acre Wood. She is a huge gossip and knows all the dirty little secrets about all of her friends including Winnie the Pooh. Okay Kanga I am just going to mention someone and you tell us what juicy info that you know about them.

Kanga: I have so much stuff to tell you!!

PTM: Eeyore.

Kanga: Let's just say that his tail isn't the only things he likes to nail into his behind.

PTM: Rabbit.

Kanga: Massive speed freak. Why else do you think he is so tidy?

PTM: Owl.

Kanga: Has been to jail several times on 'Peeping Tom" charges. One more strike and it is off to the big house.

PTM: Piglet.

Kanga: Has been in 10 hardcore pornos as a dominatrix. I haven't seen any yet.

PTM: Tigger.

Kanga: Was in and out of Foster Homes as a child. Spent some time in Juvenile Halls too.

PTM: Roo.

Kanga: I know he is my son but I have to dish. He has a collage of Eeyore pictures and several albums of just Eeyore. It is kind of creepy.

PTM: Christopher Robin.

Kanga: Gets off on torturing squirrels and chipmunks.

PTM: Winnie the Pooh.

Kanga: This one is probably the most shocking. Winnie the Pooh is actually allergic to honey. What you see him eat is some weird substitute that looks like honey.

PTM: Now that you revealed everyone's secrets, it is time to tell everyone what you have been hiding.

Kanga: I don't have any secrets. You don't have anything on me.

PTM: According to a trusted source who shall remain anonymous, Kanga used to be Kango. He had a sex change operation about 22 years ago. He is actually Roo's father. Roo's real mother died during childbirth. What do you have to say about that?

Kanga: It's true, it's all true. Just don't tell Roo. He isn't ready to know yet.
PTM: You heard it hear first folks, Kanga is actually a dude.

Joker

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.


I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: Some of these guests are tough to get on the show. First they agree to come and then they cancel last minute because their evil plans get in the way. Any who, I was suppose to have Joker (the villain of Batman) on the show today. Even thought he couldn't make it down he did fill out a questionairre about himself. This part of the Joker's Bucket List.

1) Adopt a kitten

2) Try on the Batsuit

3) Have tea with the Queen

4) Finish a 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle

5) Run for the Mayor of Gotham City

6) Start a Blog

7) Participate in the A to Z Challenge

8) Apologize to all the Rodeo Clowns I have insulted

9) Meet Snooki and punch her baby

10) Get my motorcycle license

11) Be a contestant on Wheel of Fortune

12) See Mila Kunis naked

13) Learn to speak two other languages (not French)

14) Play one on one basketball with Shaq

Invisible Man

I can't believe I am actually participating in this challenge. I hope I can make it all the way through. I'm going to need lots of Red Bull. My theme for this challenge is fictional characters including but not limited to cartoons, tv shows, video games, movies, books, etc. Now let's have some fun.


I, PTM, have commandeered the show Inside the Actor's Studio hosted by James Lipton for the A to Z challenge. James is safely being held prisoner until May. He will get plenty of food and water, no need to call the cops. For the month of April, I am renaming his show to Inside the Fictional Character's Studio.

PTM: The Invisible Man was nice enough to bring us pictures of all the people he met and all the places he visited in his lifetime. Surprisingly he was able to get into every picture. Unfortunately he couldn't stay for an interview. He said his invisible dog got loose and it takes him forever to find it. Enjoy the snap shots.



Here he is standing next to the Washington Monument


Having a moment with the President


In front of the Berlin Wall


At the bar with Fred and Barney


Taking a moon walk with an astronaut


Having some grub with Jesus


Chillin' with Kiss


Bowling with Peg and Al Bundy


Got to be an extra in Pirates of the Caribbean


Here he is at the Super Bowl


Hanging out with the cast of The Jersey Shore


Got to be a guest on Conan

PTM: Those are all the pictures he brought this time. He is looking good for his age, don't you think? I hope he finds his dog and brings us more pictures next time he stops by. Maybe then I can actually get a real interview with him.