Fan Mail

Occasionally I will receive some fan mail. The mail comes in the form of an email, letter, telegram, Morse code transmission and/or sky writing. People have questions, concerns, comments, recipes and pictures of their hot daughters and/or sons. Here is some of that mail with my responses.

PTM, does your head and face get badly sunburned or burnt to a crisp when you go to the beach? Email from Peter Gardo, Texas

I try to avoid the beach as much as possible nowadays. Anytime I go to the beach I get attacked by seagulls and it doesn't help that I have to use butter instead of sun tan lotion on my head. Hope that answers your question Pete.

Hi, PTM, my name is Roy G. Biv. I love your blog. I have a big problem. People won't stop asking me about rainbows and I can't take it anymore. Should I change my name? If yes, what do you think is a good name? Letter from Roy G. Biv, New York

Tough break Roy. I guess you have no other option but to change your name. I have always liked the name Grover. I would of loved to meet the president Grover Cleveland. I got a great name for you, Grover Indiana. Hope you like it. Before you change your name though, I have a question. What color is indigo?


Hey PTM, I've been reading your blog for awhile and I am a huge fan. I just recently watched Back to the Future for the first time. Do you know how to build or find a flux capacitor? I just put a bid on a Delorean I found on ebay. It's going to cost me $32,000 but I am really excited to start time travelling. So again if you know anything about flux capacitors, that would really help me out. Email from John Asterin, Ohio

No, John, unfortunately I don't know anything about flux capacitors. I bet if you call up Christopher Lloyd and Michael J. Fox, they would be glad to help you build or find one. I think you can find them on Twitter. Good luck.


Dear Mr. Powdered Toast Man. My name is Lucy and I am 16. I love eating Taco Bell. It is one of my favorite places to eat. I always go there on my school lunch. The problem is I always get really bad diarrhea from eating Taco Bell. I'm talking burn your ass hairs off diarrhea. What can I do? Letter from Lucy Johnstone, California

Lucy, I would recommend eating KFC, Popeyes and Arby's in between your Taco Bell meals to help with that diarrhea. If that doesn't work eat a lot of greasy Chinese food. Stay healthy Lucy.


PTM, I have had this rash on my inner thigh for a month and I am scared to go to the doctor. Enclosed in this letter is a photo of my thigh. Do you know what it is? Letter from Sam Blimpkin, New Mexico

I'm sorry Sam, as soon as I saw the photo I threw up all over it and then I had to burn the photo so I wouldn't look at it again out of curiosity. But from what I saw you probably need to be quarantined and have your leg amputated because that shit wasn't normal. Be safe. 




If you have any questions, comments or concerns please don't hesitate to write.

Random Thoughts

Why do the French get their own vanilla? Where is the Spanish vanilla?

Who is running IMdb and how do they know so much about movies?

Why do we still have flat head screws? Phillips head screws are superior. And why didn't they name them cross head screws? Who is this Phillips guy?

How much gum would you have to eat in order to kill you?


Do you think people are good so they can get into heaven and then when they are there they are bad?

How is livery pronounced? I see it on taxicab license plates.

How come when people get shot in movies or on tv they just look at their gunshot wound in awe without screaming bloody murder? When I stub my toe in real life I want to throw a table across the room and punch the first person I see.

I think Tyler Perry just really likes to cross dress. There isn't a logical explanation for making so many Madea movies.

Can a tree die from old age?

I like lunchables but where are the breakfastables and dinnerables?

Ape-tastic

I just watched Rise of the Planet of the Apes and I thought it was fantastic. I have to admit that before viewing this flick I was a Planet of the Apes virgin. I know, I am as shocked as you are. Now I have to go back and watch the original and the sequels from the 70's. I heard the 2001 remake sucked so I won't get my hopes up when I eventually watch that one.

In my opinion you really can't go wrong with prequels. There is always a story to tell and Hollywood many routes to go. Unfortunately sequels are harder to live up to because it is tough to top the original. I'm excited about The Wizard of Oz prequel that comes out next year. It tell the story of The Great Oz.

I have a great idea that I have mentioned in the past that someone should come up with a series of at least a trilogy and start at the end and work back to the beginning. Star Wars kind of did that but not entirely. Each movie would leave you wanting to know how you got to that point. They would be prequels to prequels. Someone will eventually have to run with this idea, Hollywood is running out of ideas. Remakes, prequels and sequels seem to be mainstream nowadays.

What do you think Hollywood should do? Do you have any film ideas?

Eloquent rambling

Dammit, time just slips by without me noticing. I haven't posted anything in over a month. First I was sick and couldn't write. Then I had my wisdom teeth taken out and wasn't up to doing anything. And the last two weeks just went by and I totally forgot about blogging. What is wrong with me? Am I losing the urge to write? Do I not find blogging as awesome as when I first started? Have I lost my edge? So many questions to ask and be answered.

I need to stop making excuses and whining like a baby and shit or get off the pot. Either blog like I mean it or don't do it at all because this half ass crap isn't working. It is not like I don't have the time, I have plenty of time but I choose to do other things for some reason. It's not like I don't like writing, because I do. It's the reading of other blogs and keeping up on comment replying that gets time consuming and over whelming. I need to hire an assistant for very little money to read blogs all day and comment as Powdered Toast Man. That would make things so much easier. I feel like I should have some ultimate goal with blogging but I don't. It is really just to get comments. Isn't that all we really care about? What people have to say about what we write?

I get overwhelmed thinking about what I need to write sometimes like it's school or a job or something. It is just for shits and giggles and I need to just loosen up and go with the flow. I need to slowly make a comeback. I was at the top of my game once. I just need to figure out a way to do it again.

Or just say fuck it and be done. Any thoughts?

Stupid is as stupid does

Fire Investigator: Do you know how the fire might have started?

Homeowner: Yes, I smelled gas in the basement. So I went down there and lit a candle so I could see where it was coming from.

Actual conversation after a fire in Medina, Ohio. Can't make this stuff up.

Wrestling or porn?

Time for a little game. You are going to guess which are the names of Wrestling Pay-per-view events and which are the names of Pornos.

PPV or Porno?

1) Fatal 4-Way
2) Breaking and Entering
3) Backstage Rumble
4) Carnage in the Cage
5) One Night Stand
6) Muscle Explosion
7) Hard Justice
8) 3-Way or the Freeway
9) The Eruption

Answers: Right click the mouse and highlight underneath to reveal the answers

1) PPV
2) Porno
3) Porno
4) PPV
5) PPV
6) Porno
7) PPV
8) Porno
9) PPV

Man vs Wild: In the ring

I have decided that I could take on a wolf or coyote in hand to hand combat. As long as it doesn't get a hold of my jugular I believe I could defend myself and come away with minor injuries. I am able to take down my sister's pit bull no problem so I figure a wolf or coyote wouldn't be that much different. Now a bigger animal like a bear or a lion, then I'm fucked, there is no winning that fight unless I had a AK-47. I actually wouldn't even want to fight something small like a raccoon or a opossum. Those things are secret ninja assassins and way to squirrelly for me. They would be on top of my head and I wouldn't even know it.

I am sure this goes on in other countries. Like Man versus wild: to the death or Man versus animal: MMA style.  Where a man or woman would go one on one versus another animal in the hexagonal cage. Animals like bears and lions would have to be fought 3 or 4 on 1 to make it fair. No weapons though, only what you are born with and your clothes on your back are allowed in the ring. And it wouldn't be like bull fighting where they kill the bull regardless of what happens. In this fight, if the animal wins, they get to live another day and fight another fight. Sure, it is somewhat inhumane but as long as the animals sign waivers, then it shouldn't be a problem.

We would never be able to organize this thing in the U.S., so a third world country would have to be it's birthplace. I would love to see three grown men fighting a bear inside a cage. Ah man, a fight against a porcupine would be interesting. I personally would feel bad just going up to the animal and kicking it in the face unless it provoked me first. Only land animals are allowed, there will be no fighting a shark in a giant fish tank, that is just asking for trouble. I'm not sure yet if I would allow birds, at least ones that could fly. Ostriches are okay because they are flightless. But is flying an advantage? The cage would have to have a roof in order for that too work. And no dueling against nonviolent or cute animals like penguins or rabbits. I will have to create a rule book and a list of animals that are allowed.

What do you think? Would you watch?